At my wits end..
By buggles64
@buggles64 (2709)
United States
January 20, 2011 3:36pm CST
I have finally had it. I have been living at my parents home for the last six years on and off. I had a job, when I first left my second husband in 2003...on my birthday. I thought I was so lucky to have stumbled into a job so quickly, but now in hindsight, I realize it wasn't luck at all.
I worked for two and a half years, made a move and was starting to feel pretty good about myself. I even decided to buy a home..and I did. I moved into the new home in August of 2005...I was so happy! It was a cute little modular...not the one I wanted from the get go, but it would do. I lived there for one month! My son had a asthma attack...and I was worried about him, so I took three days off from work.
I returned to work...and was greeted with a..."you need to go to human resources"...okay...what for? I wondered...well, it was a list of so many things that I apparently did, but was never approached. Bad management here. Now, I knew there were other things at work...and somehow through the last six years, I have discovered...my parents had a lot to do with what has been happening to me.
My Mom sits and lies at every convenience she gets...little stuff, big stuff...nothing but lies. She even stole my w-2 forms from the mailbox last year..she always yells at my kids...and has nothing good to say about me or them. Yes, I am hurt...so hurt...that I hate her! I cook her meals--every day, I clean the house, I shovel her driveway..everyday! And she acts as though I am no help at all. It's not like I am a drug addict or an alcoholic.
I am moving...soon as I can. What would you do if you were in my shoes? She meddles in everything..people, jobs, etc. She has people follow me...I hate it!!! She should have no control over my life...yes, she's a ....well, I will leave that to your imagination. I have just had it!! I have to move, get a job, and just be by myself...I am to tired to endure this anymore. What would you do?
2 people like this
16 responses
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
20 Jan 11
I would get out of there as fast as you can. I know it's tough but you are a strong woman and you can do it. Two family..even though it might not seem as so..homes never seem to work out..at least not in my experiences. Sometimes people get along so much better when they don't live with each other.
I do hope that you are able to get out of there soon. I know how frustrated you must be and fed up is an understatment.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
20 Jan 11
They are hard to find anywhere right now. I have been alone and without family for a long time. I know what odds can do to you. Don't think about those...think about the when I am out. Try to find something before you leave that way you don't have to go back..ever if you like. It won't be easy to stay another day..but try to get that income and then once you go...your out. It will pay off.
@buggles64 (2709)
• United States
20 Jan 11
Oh yes, a complete understatement. Yes...I am a strong woman, but sometimes I feel weak when I know what the odds are. I have to make as much money as I can to high tail it out of here...I'll be doing this on my own..no hubby, and no help from anyone else. I want to make sure I have enough to sustain us for a little bit until I can get a job...I'm looking now. Here in Michigan, they are hard to find. Thanks for replying to my post.
@Ladyslipper (1327)
• Philippines
21 Jan 11
I would do the same. I did that about three years ago but not with my Mom. I was living away from my parents working in a different city. I lived with my two Aunts. They act like the way you described your Mom. That's why I decided to get a job in a city very very far from them. They had no choice because it was a very good offer. Since I moved out from that house I became better in all aspects of my life.
I learned to decide on my own and plan my life. After I moved out from their house I became a Supervisor in two years time. After a year I became a Manager of one of the top ten biggest company here in our country. I wish you all the best. May you succeed. :)
@sirnose (2436)
• United States
20 Jan 11
Yes, I know what you mean to have a bad or unfit parent(s) is one of the worst things that could happen to any child. Why would you want to go back and live with a parent that for whatever reason doesn't like her child. I could never go back to an abuser regardless of my situation. It is best that you move on because whatever it is that your mother doesn't like about you, well, that will always be there. There's nothing you can do but go on about your business and find somewhere else to live. I can never
live with someone what take me for granted its just isn't right even if they are your parent(s). Good Luck... Hope everything turns out all right for you.
@buggles64 (2709)
• United States
20 Jan 11
Thank you, I appreciate your response...and I do feel like I am being taken advantage of...well, it has to stop somewhere, right?
@kingparker (9673)
• United States
21 Jan 11
Sorry to hear that. Indeed, your mother just horrible to do such thing to you. Nonetheless, you are her daughter, she should protect you rather than to hurt you. And her grandchildren too. You maybe make a right move, by moving out. I wish your luck out there though.
@gabbymg (127)
• United States
20 Jan 11
I live at home and while my mom is supportive, I still want to move out. The big problem with me is that I'm in college and I don't have a job that pays me enough for me to support myself outside of living with my parents. The best thing you can do is start to look for a job where you have health insurance not only for yourself but for your children seeing as how your son has asthma. Your mom may be meddling in your life, but she's also helping you out by putting a roof over your head. She might feel inconvenienced because she has her daughter and her grandchildren living under her roof which makes her feel as though she can shove her way into your lives. She may feel as though because she's supporting the roof over your head, you have to follow her rules and nothing is good enough because if she has to do anything she feels like you're not doing enough. I think you need to talk with her, tell her how you feel, don't say she makes you feel a certain way. You need to approach her with something along the lines of 'when you do this, I feel -insert emotion- because..' and so forth. If she doesn't understand still, approach it in another way until she sees things from your point of view. You have to do what's best for you and your children and that may be to find a job and start stashing it away so you can afford a place to live. Don't try and find a home because at this point that may be too far out of reach, so focus on renting an apartment or even a rental home. Don't think of it as small, think of it as a stepping stone for that house that you've been dreaming of. I hope things work out in your favor and I really hope your mom understands that it's your life and you need to live it right without her getting involved in areas where she shouldn't.
@tiffnkeat (1673)
• Singapore
21 Jan 11
I am quite surprised by your mother's behavior, but as a mother yourself, would this be something you think a mother would want to do to her child without reason? Have you tried speaking to her? Since you are primarily her care-giver, what would happen if you just leave her to her own devices.
I know the easy option is to pack your bag and go, and do consider what would happen to her if she is left on her own. If you are unable to accept her reasoning or you feel your departure won't put her in dire straits, it won't be too late then to consider your first option.
@buggles64 (2709)
• United States
21 Jan 11
There is no reason why she should be doing any of this...I wouldn't fathom treating my child like this. I would be totally different...she says she is helping...but it seems like she is working more against me than with me. It's like she doesn't want me to succeed...like she wants me to be dependent on her, and then on the other hand she says something totally different to make me feel bad.
I can't just pack up and go...I have my kids to think about...I am going to let them finish school, build a savings...etc...and then leave, when school is out. I have to be smart about it this time, because I won't be coming back..no matter what...oh, yes she will have me followed...but eventually, she is going to have to realize that no one is going to control my life except for me!
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
19 Feb 11
Wow!! If this were me, it would definately be time to go, and get as far away from her as possible, and maybe even not care about what happens to her in the future. It is sad when a parent acts like this, and tries to control one of their kids as they get older. Makes me wonder where their self esteem and self worth is, and what is really going on.
I think the sooner you can move yourself and your kids away from this situation the better you will be. Personally this does not sound like a Good situation for no one and you will never get ahead living like this. If I were you, I would start looking at resources, etc. to help you move out and live a more happier and productive life as well.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
20 Jan 11
I would do the same....as fast as I could. I lived with my parents for a while when I was very young...transition between moving to a new city etc...well it was just a couple of months and though they were nice...it was hard to stay when they watched everything I did...they however were not mean about it...but since I was there they forgot I had grown up...still treated me like I was 18...but I did move and was quite happy once I got my apartment etc...good luck to you!
@buggles64 (2709)
• United States
20 Jan 11
Thanks Jill...I plan on moving as quickly as possible. I wish the roles were reversed, so she would know exactly how I feel. When I first moved back (in 2003) she wanted to know where I was, what I was doing, everything...and I wasn't even living with her!! I was living in the house next door. I guess, I know where my tax money is going. Thanks for responding...it is very comforting to know that people care.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
21 Jan 11
Hi Buggles,
My mother was a very controlling and critical person also. She was a big part of the driving force behind my strong desire to be independent. I moved out of the house as soon as I graduated high school with no intentions of ever moving back in. Of course, there were a couple of times when I had no choice but to...when I went through a divorce. At that point, I was an adult and I just had to appreciate that she took me and my girls in. I didn't stay long as I did not want to impose on her or on myself any longer than need be. We just could not live together. I hope that you are able to find a job and a place to live really soon. Have you applied for help with housing? This just doesn't sound like a good situation for either you or your kids.
@carol2532001 (467)
• Jamaica
20 Jan 11
Make sure you get a good job before you move. You don't want to have to move back in with her because you can't make 2 ends meet. Have you tried sitting down with her and explaining how you feel? Sometimes they need a wake up call to let them see their behavior through another persons eyes.
@buggles64 (2709)
• United States
20 Jan 11
Yes, I have tried talking to her...so much as asking her to "stop" meddling. She just keeps denying everything-she lies. As far as the job goes...I have to move far enough away so I know she won't be meddling. She has actually had me followed..like a private investigator, so I am looking for a job far away from here...Thanks for responding though, I do appreciate the extra support...no I am not coming back this time.
@jennyze (7028)
• Indonesia
21 Jan 11
Yes, move and start your own life. Don't tell her where you work and where you live, if possible. Some mothers are expecting too much of their children and complained when she did not get it. Do you think she is lonely and that is her way to get ore attention from you? Maybe she need a companion of her age to talk.
@virdell1 (57)
• United States
27 Jan 11
I will tell you what i DID when my Mom was being awful. I left the state, started my own business, cared for my daughter and myself and during that time (3 years) I had no contact with my Mom. She had no idea where I was and could not find me.
I was so happy and I worked so hard to build my own life.
After 3 years I called my Mom and told her I would not tolerate her lies, bullying, or verbal abuse and if she could not accept this then we would never talk again.
After that day we have been able to build a kind and loving mother/daughter relationship. She is 75 years old now and I go back to visit at least once every year. We talk on the phone weekly and on the internet daily.
I'm not saying it was easy to just cut off all communication with my Mom, but in the end it was worth it.
Good luck on resolving your problems with your Mom.
@pit33pit (534)
• Indonesia
23 Jan 11
hi buggles64,
as a friend, I was really surprised to read your discussions and so sorry with what happened. as it concerns the relationship between mother and child, my especially difficult to give an opinion because I just lost a mother. according to my advice, you should begin to arrange life again with the skills you have. stepped forward with head upheld and stand on its own feet. start a new life.
have a nice day.
@koikei (206)
• Philippines
21 Jan 11
greetings! i would probably try to relax for a while and sit back just to see the bigger picture. if after doing that, you still want to move out, then move out. there's no point in delaying the inevitable. we all deserve to be happy so if by moving out means you'll be a lot happier, then do it.
@reckon21 (3479)
• Philippines
21 Jan 11
I can see that you have a hatred for your mother and until now you still feeling it.
Mother should be loving and understanding being not monster just like your mother. But what I can say sometimes we can never have a perfect parents we can only hope. Just like we can't always have perfect children. It's a sad situation indeed that you hate your mother.
I can't understand either why there are some mothers like that who is like a dictator. You are her daughter but it doesn't mean she can command you whatever she likes. She has to let you go and let be your own self. I hope your situation with your mother will improve for the better one day.
@commonground (367)
• United States
21 Jan 11
Hey, buggles, I know just how you feel. When I was young and still had not found my way yet I had to live with different family members at one time or another. It was just for very short periods but I remember just how miserable everyone was. And then later on in life I was the one that the younger family members turned to for a place to stay or even older ones that had hit a rough spot. It's never easy, even when everyone gets along together. It always helped me to remember that I wouldn't be there forever, things would change, I'd get on my feet and be on my way. Sometimes we have to take the bad with the good and just grit our teeth until we have control again. I know it's hard to live with a mother that doesn't encourage you and seems to be the one making your life more miserable instead of helping you to succeed. You just need to purpose in your heart to do all you can to get out of there as fast as you can. Have you checked on what assistance you may be eligble for through the housing authority or job assistance, even food stamps and help with child care? There are a lot of areas of assistance available to single mothers, just get started on checking them out. You have to do all you can to help yourself, but there is no shame in asking for help. If you don't even have a job yet it's going to be hard to do anything else. Find out about assistance with child care so you are able to go for job interviews.
Just make a start and then it will all start falling in to place. Don't be discouraged. It will take time and effort but you will have your independence back and you and your children will be much better off. Good luck to you and I will say a prayer for you and your children.
