Comforting a friend
By zralte
@zralte (4178)
India
January 24, 2011 11:15am CST
My friend just told me that her newborn son (born on the 4th Jan) has Tethered Spinal Cord Syndrome. I feel so bad for her. I was just about to send her an email saying how sorry I am to hear that and all that....my husband stopped me. He said I should not be negative about it, try to get positive way in and comfort her in a way that she knows we are there for her.
Well, I am used to saying 'Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that',etc. etc. My husband says that probably is not a good way; as in 'I'm so sorry your son has this illness' as if to gloat over her or something. So I dash of a short message telling her I am there for her if she needs me. Then when I saw messages from other people, most people (from our culture) says how sorry they are to hear that except for a few English friends who, like my husband, don't mention much about how sorry they are, but giving words of encouragement. It probably is a cultural/society thing, the way we think, I mean.
What do you guys think? What would be the correct way to react? And how do you comfort a friend in that kind of situation, especially when you are so far away from each other?
1 person likes this
6 responses
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
16 Feb 11
I think your husband's way is right. It is better to just give a silent ear to her problems and not express anything for sometime. WHen you see her in person it is different or if she talks to you sharing her misery it is different. THe fact that you just told her that you ar there is enough. I too feel this way. She will get many such messages and this is not what she needs right now.Moreover, you should wait for her to tell you this or gently talk about it when you see her. It is not a happy thing for her to share and if you have heard about this from someone your husband's approach is the most sensible.
1 person likes this
@zralte (4178)
• India
16 Feb 11
You are right about it being difficult for her to share. She kept quiet for more than two weeks. I knew her delivery date and I was waiting for her to post the pictures. Two weeks passed, and no pictures of the baby. I still thought she must have been having some problem with delivery. I called her brother and asked him if she had the baby yet or is there any problem. He didn't tell me anything except that she had the baby. That's when she sent messages to all her friends about the problem. She said she was just trying to come to terms with it.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36447)
• United States
27 Feb 11
Personally a lot of times I will respond back to them like My thoughts and Prayers are with you at this time. Let me know if there is something I can do, or you need someone to talk too, as I am here for you. Many times that there alone seems to encourage them and know no matter what is going on they can get thru it. How is things going with your friend's son now? My thoughts and Prayers are with them.
@zralte (4178)
• India
27 Feb 11
Thanks for your concern. I did call her and tell her that I am there for her if there is anything I can do.
The baby hasn't developed any complications so far. They have done MRI and waiting for an appointment for surgery. Last I talked to her, I said, 'At least things are moving in the right direction,' to which she replied, 'It's not moving yet, we are facing the right direction'.
At least her sense of humor is back.
@shibham (16977)
• India
20 Feb 11
Hi friend. Its really a challenging condition too go for a consolation or to make someone comfort. Your hubby is so much right that if you say sorry or something to your friend then it may increase her pain and agony. better you may call her and can try to discuss the matter that you know this is not a big health issue and remedies are all over the country. You may consider it as a well process. Have a nice day.
@zralte (4178)
• India
22 Feb 11
Thank you, shibham. It seems like everyone is in agreement with my husband. He would be glad to know that.
I did call her and discuss with her. She told me it is now a waiting game. Waiting for the MRI results, waiting for appointment, etc. I do hope they get the result soon and get the surgery done as soon as possible.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
8 Feb 11
I believe that the way that your husband told you to deal with the situation is the best way to deal with it. You see, I learned about a month and a half ago that my ex-boyfriend had lost two children in a house fire. I talked to his sister and I asked if there was anything at all that I could do for him. She suggested prayer and said that he needed a lot of that at the time. It is something so simple, but since she told me that I've been praying for him every evening.
@zralte (4178)
• India
9 Feb 11
I am starting to see that now. It's like my husband said, that bringing up the subject and saying you are sorry, somehow seems like gloating. As in, 'I'm sorry you have a baby who is not healthy' seems like I am trying to remind her that her baby is not normal. Sounds so cruel...you know what I mean.
I have been praying for her and calling her every now and then to cheer her up.
@dweebs_8000_j (885)
• Philippines
25 Jan 11
today i have learned a new thing to say to friends...
"...comfort her/him in a way that she/he knows we are there for her"
that is really a very big thing for me... While others are not compassionate to others, we should start being compassionate (to the Next level) for others, at All times...
May God Bless Us , ALL, Always...
My best regards to all, friends and Friends to be...
@louisejune29 (27)
•
25 Jan 11
comfort your friend and give her a right and positive attitude towards the situation, give her an advice that can inspire her. encourage her to be strong.
