Would You Date A Pathological Liar If You Thought You Could Change Them?
By Opal26
@Opal26 (17679)
United States
April 28, 2011 10:28pm CST
This should be a no-brainer, but, unfortunately for my best-friend
it isn't! She is involved with a pathological liar who steals from
her (both jewelery and money), lies about everything, promises he
will change (and doesn't) and she just can't "live without him". My
father was a pathological liar and prescription drug addict so I have
zero tolerance for this behavior! But, she is my best friend since
we were kids (48 years) and I can't get through to her and I've even
told him off myself. What would you do? How would you deal with someone
like this?
12 people like this
35 responses
@GardenGerty (161080)
• United States
29 Apr 11
First off, if my friend expects to bring him to my house, I will nail everything down or lock it up. You can not change people who think they are "in Love". They are in desperation more often that not. You are not going to change someone with a track record like that.
3 people like this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
26 Jun 11
I second everything that Gerty said Opal... I'd nail everything down too... and I'd tell her to never bring him to your house. She will probably never listen to you as long as she is 'in love with him'... but that is her own problem.. she will lose all her friends if she keeps making excuses for him.. because no one will want him around their stuff.
@celticeagle (168721)
• Boise, Idaho
29 Apr 11
First off she is also a liar! She obviously see something else in him or he gives her something. She sounds like an enabler and it is near classic co-dependency. She needs and he enables, and vice versa. They are two sick people! If you have been her friend for 48 years then surely you have seen this and other behaviour down through the years. How would I deal with it? I would listen to her when she harps about his doing this or that. I would quickly make my excuses and leave or get off the phone. I would not enable her! I would be her friend only on your terms and in a healthy way. That is the only way you can help her and really be a freind to her. If she asks tell her I won't enable you to hurt yourself like this.
2 people like this
[em]rolleyes[/em
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
29 Apr 11
Years ago, I would have said yes to that or possibly but now that I know that once a person becomes a pathological liar, they never change, there is now way I would ever do it. I know two people like this and there is nothing you can do to change them. I have tried so many times and nothing works.
2 people like this
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
29 Apr 11
Oh my G Opal firstly I would immediately distance myself from a known pathological liar. I cannot stand liars let alone pathological ones. I don't believe we can, even for the sake of love, change anyone.
So absolutely would not date or continue to date someone like this at all.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
26 Jun 11
Everything that Gerty Said are my sentiments here. Opal, your friend sounds like she has a very poor self-esteem to settle for a man that lies to her and steals from her. She cannot change him. Gosh, she would have a liar and thief before she would chance living alone with no one? I'd rather have no one than have a liar. A liar is the worst, and a thief on top of that... gosh.. she better start nailing stuff down too.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
26 Jun 11
Hi Opal! Thank you for accepting me as a friend. I really have no patience with women and men who keep waffling like that. It's a person with a real bad self image that insists on being treated badly because she loves him or he loves her. Whatever. People somehow think love is enough. Well it's never enough when we allow ourselves to be treated badly.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
29 Apr 11
I would not
She believes she can not live without him, but in my eyes she is not living right now she is putting herself through h*ll and makes herself believe she can not live without him, I used to think that with my Ex Husband and that is probably why I put up with everything for 21 Years but then I realised after I left him that I stopped loving him years before but believed I could not live without him, when I left yes it hurt in a way but in a way that I believed it would change that he would change but I built my Life from scratch and I am now the real me not the one I was turned it to
Please Sweetie tell her from someone who used to think this to she can live without him yes she will miss him for a while (I didn't) but she will be able to build up her life with her Friends helping her
Love you Sweet xx
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
29 Apr 11
Hi Sweetie
I have had a bad fall but it is ok I am with my Children still and I am ok just a few bruises lol and sore but I am ok
Well all you can do is leave her to it now Sweetie she will have to learn herself there is no more you can do now
Little Man is doing fine right now
Big hugs
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
29 Apr 11
Oh Gabs! I am so glad to hear from you! How have you and the "little
man been? I have told her, tried everything but she is quite stubborn.
I've also been in similar situations and she knows I know what I'm talking
about, but I can't get through to her! I've even spoken to "him"
tonight to try to straighten him out myself. I don't think it helped much~
1 person likes this
@moondancer (7431)
• United States
29 Apr 11
I was married to one for 7 years and I tell you never ever again. I run far away.
I would never stay around one again. I see people like that and I just don't hang around them. When I see someone I know with someone like that I tell them. I also tell the person that is like that what they are and they need to try and change knowing all to well that they will never change.
But I am letting them know that I know how they are and they can not pull something over on me.
But I just stay away from people like that. I have no tolerance for them.
1 person likes this
@moondancer (7431)
• United States
29 Apr 11
I hate it for her. But one day she will have her fill of his antics. She will tell him to bug off.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
29 Apr 11
Hi moondancer! I have talked to her over and over again each time
he does something and she swears "never again" and the next minute
he's right back in her house. I spoke to him myself and warned him
on the phone last night not to mess with her and I'm on to him
and really don't mess with me!
@ann815 (54)
• Philippines
2 May 11
i used to have a messiah instinct as well in the past. i've had destructive relationships with psychologically unstable characters as well. but thinking that one day i am the one who will be able to turn their lives around and make them outstanding citizens.
until i realized that i should stop trying to "save" them and learned to love myself better then i will be truly happy. i told myself that i deserve much better than involving myself with worthless men. if i want to save people, i should work in a social center and contribute there and not involve myself romantically at all.
i am a work in progress and i continue to remind myself that i deserve a better man who will bring out the best in me and will not steal my money and my self esteem. Good luck to your friend and just continue to be with her to support her.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
2 May 11
Hi ann! And welcome to mylot? You remind me of another ann~ Anyway, your are
so right! She is trying to "save him". She thinks she can "fix him". She is
also not quite mentally stable herself and can't quite deal with her own issues.
This is why I am so worried about her. She has a Psychiatrist who is "aware" of
the "situation", but I know her for 48 years and have seen her go into and get
out "psych wards". I have a reason to worry~Thanks for your input.
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
2 Jun 11
See, you answer your own question. It is a no-brainer and unfortunately this situation is likely to put some distance between you and your life long friend, because you owe it to yourself not to get close to this sort of person.
It would appear that your friend suffers from low self-esteem. Only she can fix that, as self esteem is not something we can give our friends. They have to discover it for themselves. You ask how I would deal with it, well, personally I would just tell her that I love her and wish her well and that when she and that guy are finished with each other to look me up and until then GOOD BYE. I would not be co-dependent with somebody who cannot live without supporting a liar and a thief.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
4 Jun 11
Hi drannhh! As always, a pleasure to see you! The situation got
much worse and she had to have him arreste for theft of her
debit and credit card (for the second time! I warned her and
so did others, but we knew it would have to come to something
horrible to wake her up.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
2 May 11
It's sad, but one day she will realize she is "done" and make a clean break. Hopefully sooner rather than later...
@vandana7 (100664)
• India
29 Apr 11
Scary prospect. First and foremost, I need to come across one, and identify them as one, to know how it would feel, and what my reaction would be. I think as long as my sentiments are not involved it is possible to steer clear. But if sentiments are involved, then it becomes very difficult I suppose. Personally, I think much of it might have to do with low self-esteem. My contention is pathological liars are smart! They know what to utter to make other person feel good about their physical appearance, or mental faculties. They might generally be flatterers. But as I said, I dont have any such person in my life as yet, and hopefully, I wont.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Apr 11
Vandana- I agree a lot of it is low self esteem, and that's obvious with Opal's statement that her friend feels like she needs a man in her life. That stems from low self esteem.
Though I disagree with thinking these types are smart. I don't think they're all really that smart.. I think they're charming, sweet talkers. Girls with low self esteem fall for this type (because those with self respect would certainly steer clear of them) and these girls get so sucked into the charm that they become "blinded" to the flaws.
Trust me I was in this situation. The guy I was with was not smart at all. He left obvious clues everywhere as to what he was doing. I found a list of girls names and phone numbers in his wallet.. many of them with hearts drawn next to the names.. these were the girls he really liked.. and we were supposedly in a commited relationship. Obviously not a smart move to have a piece of paper like that somewhere I might find it. Then he lied and said these girls were just friends and the ones with hearts were best friends. Well no guy has that many female friends who he's not interested in.. especially a bunch of female friends his girlfriend has never met. So I was just stupid to "overlook" this and pretend to believe him. I knew in my heart he was lying and cheating on me.. but I wouldn't admit it to myself because I didn't want to lose him.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
29 Apr 11
Hi Vanny! You are absolutely right. Pathological liars think
they are smart, but since my father was one I knew the tricks.
They are charming most times, but manipulative, selfish self-
centured cons and thieves! And they don't ever change. My gf
is co-dependent and "must have" a man in her life to "feel
complete". I, am the opposite so wouldn't put up with that
crap, not at our age!
@vandana7 (100664)
• India
29 Apr 11
Opal sweetie, since we know
a. They are liars
b. They flatter and dont pay genuine compliments
c. They thrive on low self esteem of their partners
d. They are not intellectuals, wouldn't know half the things in the world.
e. They are lazy
f. They waste their time a lot
g. They are careless
h. They cant care
i. The person who is conned doesn't want to admit the truth
That is the total scenario..problem is I am also fairly ok in identifying these problems. :)
1 person likes this
@fixerupper3530 (173)
• United States
4 Jun 11
First of all you can not change anyone, they can only change themselves. Second, never spend time with people who look to do you harm by lying and stealing from you. Distance yourself from people like this, and seek out a person with a kind spirit. Surround yourself with as many like minded people as possible.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
4 Jun 11
Hi fixerupper! Welcome to myLot! You are quite right, but it isn't
that easy when someone is "in love". Even though they know in their
mind that what's going on is wrong, it's harder to tell that to your
heart and that's where people make mistakes and get "into trouble"!
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
3 May 11
Opal26,
It is just disappointing and shocking to know that your friend of this age could actually fall for such a guy. Living in her own ignorant ideology will just be her doing and choice, so there's really nothing anyone can do about it.
As a friend, there's just so much one can do but as much as you don't like it, the decision is really her's. So, other than watching out for her and catching her at the end of her exhausted fall - there's really nothing you can do. I'm afraid she'll have to learn her lessons the hard way.
Take care and have a nice day.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
3 May 11
Hi sky! You are right, but it's like watching a "train wreck"! I
know what he's going to do before he even does it and she's so
surprised that I can "predict" his sick behavior! My father was
a pathological liar (who she knew). It is just so damn frustrating
for me, but as you said she is going to learn the hard way.
@tlb0822 (1410)
• United States
1 May 11
This is a horrible situation your friend has gotten herself into. I don't think that people can be changed... they need to want to change for themselves. I could not be with someone who lied and stole from me. I think that she needs to take into consideration her own safety along with how much that she loves him. If he lies and steals, she don't even know if he is being faithful to her, because he isn't trustworthy. I would voice my concerns to her, and let her know that she is putting her self in harms way. It could be possible that she isn't the only one that he is stealing from. And honestly how much does he really love her to steal from her and to lie to her. I would be very blunt with my friend, and tell her that he would not be welcomed in my home because I wouldn't trust him around my things. I had to do this with my sisters boyfriend. I do not trust him at all, so my sister is welcomed at my house, but her boyfried is not. I just say be completely honest with her, and voice to her your concerns. And if she continues to see him, then you really need to set some boundaries of whether you want your family around this man.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
1 May 11
Hi tlb! Unfortunately, I have already said all the things that you have
suggested and all she says is "I changed the spot where I hide my
jewelery".
He found it twice already? She is just so stupid
when it comes to this azzhole! She knows in her head that he is a liar,
but "she loves him". I am doing the best I can, even talking to him
on the phone which makes me sick! He isn't welcome in my home either!
He found it twice already? She is just so stupid
when it comes to this azzhole! She knows in her head that he is a liar,
but "she loves him". I am doing the best I can, even talking to him
on the phone which makes me sick! He isn't welcome in my home either!
@animegirl334 (3263)
• United States
30 Apr 11
Hi Opal, It's been a long time. I'm sorry about your friend but I don't think there is much you can do. When a person is in love it is hard to convince them that they are not supposed to love someone. Maybe with time, she would know that he is not good for her and fall out of love but that process cannot be rushed. Here's a crazy idea though. If he is taking money from her, ask her to lend you a large sum so that he can't steal it and when she leaves him you can give her the money back. .
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
30 Apr 11
Hi anime! Great to see ya! She has no money of her own to begin
with! It's a long story . Everytime he does something she gets
fed up, throws him out of her apartment and takes him back!
I just have to hope that sooner or later she gets sick of
his bs and hopefully before he does something he can't take
back! Hope you plan on sticking around gf!
@SangsTurks (1444)
• India
2 May 11
Well, its better that you stay off this situation. A person in love will not see that negative things in the other person no matter how hard you try. And actually by trying to make her understand you are becoming the "bad person"!!!! So, just don't interfere let things go the way they are, let her for herself realize and do the right thing.
1 person likes this
@sweetbabyjane (1929)
• United States
7 May 11
I would not want a liar in my life, but if I loved that liar I would have to try and help. If he didn't want the help I would hope I didn't love him so I would let him go. Love is blind and sometimes you just keep on believing that there is still good in the person.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
7 May 11
Hi sweetbabyjane~ Nice to see you! Unfortunately, things have gotten
much worse! He stole her debit card again today and I hope this time
she will finally realize that she has to let him go. She really tried
to help him, but he is too sick and evil and only cares about himself.
@bounce58 (17385)
• Canada
2 May 11
This reminds me of that saying where girls into a relationship hoping to change the guys. Or hook up with bad boys in the thought that they would be the one to change him.
Unfortunately, I think pathological liars are hopeless. I think that when making up stories comes but naturally, then there is no hope for change.
I hope your bestfriend sees him what he really is. And not get lost in her emotions.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
3 May 11
Hey bro! Unfortunately, she is aware of what he is, but still keeps
making excuses for his moronic and sick behavior. She just doesn't
seem to be able to "break away" from his "evil spell". I just don't
know what else to do. I can't even stand hearing his voice in the
background when she calls me on the phone!
