I don't know what to do about my husband...
By chitchat
@chitchat (179)
United States
June 14, 2011 12:01am CST
I've got a big problem-at least big to me. My husband is smoking pot again and I am at a loss. It may not sound like a big deal to some people, but I have 2 children with him, we've been married for almost 6 years, and he promised me that he had stopped. It's not like I'm perfect myself. In highschool and college, I tried smoking pot. But I was just an immature teenager then. Im an adult now-a mother. He, too, is an adult now-a father. He doesn't know that I know. I've been having these suspicions lately about him--his demeanor, how he disappears for hours and he doesn't say where he's going or where he's been. So I checked his cell phone (I admitted I snooped)and I found several messages confirming my suspicions. I don't know what to do. It was different when I thought it but didn't have any proof--I blamed it on paranoia and stupidity. But now I have actual proof and I don't know what to do. He promised me stopped and now I feel like a fool--who knows how long he's been doing this behind my back. Not to mention the financial aspect of it. We've been saving money for the past 2 years so that we could move to a bigger house-sacrificing movie theaters, restaurants, big gifts, new Michael Kors handbag, etc. To think that he's been wasting money on pot angers me considering how hard it's been for the rest of us to sacrifice. How selfish of him! What do I do? Do I confront him? Confess that I looked through his cellphone? If I confront him, do I give him yet another ultimatum to quit or do I leave him this time? What do I tell my kids? Or do I stick with him anyways-despite the lies and deceit, despite the fact that I don't trust him? Do I try to help him quit again--I've tried before, apparently it didn't work. Do I really allow this person to live in the same home as my children? How many times has he been high while he's watching them while I'm out? What if one day, the kids find his stash? What do I do? I need a lot of advice. Please help me.
3 people like this
8 responses
@Koko2181 (13)
•
14 Jun 11
I wish I could tell you what to do. My husband smokes pot and did not when I met him or married him. I would not have married him. Honestly even aside from financial things I just hate that he does it. I have two children with him. He knows I hate it. He smokes it every single day now too. It drives me nuts!! How can he expect to be taken seriously when he's stoned. I get it he had a hard day at work, blah blah. Its just pot, big deal right? To me it is a big deal!!! I feel like if I won the powerball I would just leave him and get it over with. It has driven me not to love him... Along with a few other things, but thats how I feel. I look forward to seeing what others have to say.
@chitchat (179)
• United States
15 Jun 11
You may not have been able to give me suggestions on what to do but your story makes me feel a little better because at least I know that I'm not the only one going through problems like this. Thank you for saying that it is a big deal to you too because it validates my own feelings about this situation. So you did help me even if you didn't think you could.
@shattered (1728)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
Its so easy to say give him an ultimatum, but its the one of the hardest decisions you would have to make. And it may not be the right decision.
Before you do anything drastic, you must first determine if this is really an addiction or is it just socializing.
In either case, however, you would have to confront him. You would have to discuss these matters with cool minds and intelligently. Try not to be emotional about this when you discuss with him.
If it is an addiction then dealing with it might require external intervention.
If it is just socializing, then dealing with it would be easier. Cutting too much on expenses is stressful and may have caused your husband to relapse. Try a saving method that would allow you to watch movies once in a while or find something more exciting for him than pot.
I hope I make some sense and this helps you even a little.
1 person likes this
@chitchat (179)
• United States
15 Jun 11
Your right, maybe an ultimatum may not be the best solution. Good tip about not being emotional when talking to him about this problem. I didn't mean we don't do anything ever, I just meant that we don't go to the movies and restaurants as much as we used to. We're cutting back on wasteful spending but we're not completely sacrificing everything that we enjoy. I think stress is a lame excuse to smoke pot. How many millions of people out there are stressed out every day and don't resort to smoking pot--even those who used to do it. Thank you. Your suggestions were helpful. Wish me luck.
@salonga (27775)
• Philippines
24 Jun 11
How sad! It is the worst situation a wife could ever face. I feel for you dear. At any rate you should be strong. Get that man out of your life lest you put your children's life in danger. You have to decide whatever way you could for as long as you can get rid of him then do immediately. 
@ddaguno (3107)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
im so sorry to hear about your problem with your husband. its so sad that some people can really get addicted to pot.
we had a friend who smoked everyday and she always brought an extra stick for the group. it was kind of fun when we were on vacation mode but we all had to stop so we can get jobs and grow up. my friend eventually stopped too because she had a baby. thankfully it was not a problem for any of us to quit. I hope your husband sees sense and stops too. especially with the kids around
1 person likes this
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
15 Jun 11
Hi chitchat,
I am so sorry you are going through this and although I have not I can only apply some humble advise and say that I have listened through your discussion.
I think you just need to speak to him and maybe not mention the cell phone and really let him know how you feel. You can bring up simply that they are suspicions and say that because you love and value your relationship you would like to be heard.
I would not ultamatum him unless you are prepared for the outcome and with this I just mean that maybe he will say do what you like and if you are not prepared to leave him then it will look like he will take you for granted and make no changes. I say this only because it was how my ex-husband was.
I would much rather say that maybe you need to think about you and the children and decide if this is something you can continue to tolerate and or if he is willing to make changes.
See I would never recommend to anyone to leave their spouse, when I am asked for advice, all I simply say is think about 5 -10-20 years. Is this how you want to continue to live. Basically it means something has to change and the only time it will is when you are ready. It took me 20 years to finally let go and when I look back now it is like where did the years go and if only I let go sooner. Simply because we cannot get the years back.
Please take care of you and the children and try to gain, strength for you as the children will need this with or without him. I am wishing you all the best.
@kareemadivina (1230)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
So sad to hear that.I think you can ask help from his parents or respected elders in your family to talk to him about his bad habit.Don't be confrontational.The fact that the two of had smoke pot before can be a common ground to begin with.If necessary,you can ask medical or psychological help for his rehabilitation.
@junrapmian (2169)
• Philippines
20 Jun 11
If I were you, I will confront my husband. Think of your children's welfare. Smoking pot will not do him good. He may be able to hurt your kids when he's high, you don't want it to happen, do you? If he doesn't hear of you, I guess, you have to decide whether to leave him or suffer in the end.
@KingLobster (219)
• United States
15 Jun 11
As odd as this might sound, it is actually up to you as to what is going to happen in this situation. You have to decide if you can handle him doing this or not. I am assuming that you have already talked with him about this. If you have not, make sure that you do. Explain to him that this is something that really bothers you, and explain to him that you would like him to stop. If he cannot respect that, then there may be a serious problem here. You might need to take steps to distance yourself from him. After all, no good husband would ignore the wishes of his wife.
