"You are just afraid to marry"
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
United States
June 20, 2011 3:23pm CST
" You don't value yourself enough." Is what I heard Dr Phil tell a woman who had been engaged to the same guy, her 5th engagement, for 4 Years! They live together, They share everything but they are not married. She has seen her parents and everyone she know marry and divorce and remarry. But Phil said she didn't value herself to try. Just because all the marriages she saw failed doesn't mean her would. Well she did decide to marry her guy when he promised In writing to try each day to make her happy. I wish them well.
I, on the other hand, Will never marry.I value myself or should I say Know that I would do the complete opposite once married. Now I Want my guy's happiness as much as my own. If I had to marry him, I could care less. Now I want to talk everything through, married I wouldn't listen. many will read this and say Why? Because I'm very old-fashioned when it comes to marriage. Once married I'm owned. Dr Phil implied a strong peron with a sense of self can marry and Still be themselves. Me, The first thing I wuld Have to change is being strong willed. The Sarah he sees would die on the wedding day. The only thing I would say is Yes Dear even when the answer is no. So Am I afraid to marry? No, I just refuse to. Do I value myself enough? Yes. I know that if I am free to be myself fully I can and have blended my life with a man's and supported him every step of the way! Your thoughts.
1 person likes this
11 responses
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
20 Jun 11
You have to do what's right for you....I personally would marry again if the right person came along. I had a rotten marriage..but that doesn't mean that a second chance wouldn't work out! And I do also value myself and the things I love to do..so it would have to be alot of compromise on his part.
3 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
20 Jun 11
I used to say I would marry when I could find someone I could hate without thinking about it, to save a step.But now , there isn't anyone save George Clooney but he is an a$$hole but not a Dumb a$$hole , he won't remarry, lol!
1 person likes this
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
20 Jun 11
I don't blame her for being afraid to be married. My marriage is falling apart. My friend just got divorced after finding out her husband had been with another girl for a year. He just told her out of the blue that he wanted a divorce and he left and moved in with this other girl. He also was sleeping with people at work. There are so many divorces in the papers these days and at least half of all marriages end in divorce. If I end up getting divorced I will never remarry. I think it's easier just to live with someone.
3 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
20 Jun 11
I'm so sorry. Thanks for responding. Like A ditz I didn't even think about couples in crisis. I hope you can find happiness with or without being married.
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
20 Jun 11
I've heard you say this before, but I'll never understand it. Walker and I are living proof that marriage do not have to be this way. There were independent women in the dark ages too. That's how society evolved into the modern freedom and choice we enjoy today.
2 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
20 Jun 11
I know. You are living proof love and marriage can mix. But it's me. Just the thought of being a wife gets me angry, not loving . In fact I loose that loving part of me. Thankfully my guy understands. That's what makes him The One. A guy who equates love and marriage would be so frustrated by me. He would see me saying no I will never marry you as I said I will never love you. And I wold see his need to marry me as his desire to trap me into a little box. And that's what I choose to see my marriage, no one else's, as a little box. Too small for love to flourish in. I'm just weird that way. I get angry with stuff other people find joy with. I'm the only person I know who gets so angry just seeing a romantic comedy promo I want to kill someone! It's just me.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 Jun 11
For me, I don't see why it would matter. A committed relationship is a committed relationship, and a marriage license doesn't mean I would behave any differently, it just means that there are now legal privileges and obligations.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
24 Jun 11
I strongly disagree. With that piece of paper I will Have to turn into someone I'm not, a wife! And sadly it is the complete opposite from what made my guy love me.It would be night and day. Before I'm me and then boom A Stepford wife!
1 person likes this
@blue65packer (11826)
• United States
21 Jun 11
You I know I will never marry! I know as soon as I do or before I will turn into my mother! I will become passive and I've been there! I refuse to go back there! I would probaly become so dependent on the husband I would not want to do anythhing on my own! I would not let myself think on my own either! Been there! Done that! Don't want to go back! I prefer to be single and manless for the rest of my life! I want to be happy not miserable!
2 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
21 Jun 11
I'm not alone! Somehow without getting married, I just Knew I would become some kind of Stefford wife If I ever did. I prefer to have my man and Never marry him and live happily ever after.
@zayasalyssa (28)
• United States
20 Jun 11
I depends on the person you are with.... i've known people who been with their boyfriend for 5 years and loved him, but not enough to marry. A year later she broke with her boyfriend and was a new relationship and married him 6 months later. She's been with her husband for 10 years. SHe told me that sometimes you just know if its the right person to marry. Let your gut drive you.
3 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
20 Jun 11
That's my point, To me love has nothing to do with marriage. It is either or. I choose love Over marriage. To choose marriage means , for me alone, to give up on any chance of love. My gut says marriage isn't meant for me.
@urbandekay (18278)
•
21 Jun 11
Why are you capitalising the initial letter of random words?
Me thinks the lady doth protest too much
all the best urban
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
21 Jun 11
No. I will never marry. I rather be happy. I just get pi$4ed when it is implied that if you don't want to marry means you don't want love. No, I'm the opposite I want love and that is why I will never marry. I must have thought the same as a teen because I never thought love was for me but I'm in love now and I will never marry him, I love him too much to inflict that type of pain.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
23 Jun 11
I think that Dr. Phil was way off base on that one. I think that sometimes people don't get married because they value themselves a little more. Can that be an extreme thing? Oh yes..but everything can be extreme if it is taken there. I think that he might be forgetting about the people who are waiting for the right one...or the people that just don't put as much emphasis on a piece of paper. It sure is alot easier to go into a marriage than it is to get out and when you are a little older and you have worked your tail off for everything you have, it's hard sometimes to just say "I DO, give you half"
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
23 Jun 11
Or see her say what mine is mine and what is yours is Mine, lol! Dr Phil didn't think about people like me, where it is Way more than a piece of paper. It means stopping thinking for myself. It means stopping being my own person. He would try like others have to say you don't have to lose your identity when you marry. In fact he would say it isn't healthy. Then I would say , then Why marry? To me marriage is very , very old fashioned and it should remain that way For me. So Husband is top , I'm on the bottom resenting every minute. It isn't a joining of equals. That is why I said I choose love over marriage.
@inertia4 (27960)
• United States
24 Jun 11
I have gotten married and it was going good for awhile, then after 17 years it was a disaster. The only ones that truly suffer are the children. Now, I used to say I will never gat married, but I did change my mind at the time. Boy did I make a grand mistake. I will never do it again. I wish I didn't have to have communication with my ex but because of the kids, I have no choice. I hope on day I won't have to. But I am in a relationship right now and she is great, but marriage is something that I cannot do anymore. Like Gene Simmons once said, "marriage is an institution, I do not want to be institutionalized."
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
24 Jun 11
Love the quote. At least you tried it. Me? I I decided at age 7 I would have no kids and by age 13 I would never marry and nothing has changed. Luckily ,my guy understands.
@sjvg1976 (41281)
• Delhi, India
21 Jun 11
Hi Sarah you have every right to take decisions for yourself after all its your life.Being in US/UK people are so free that they live with someone for years but don't marry him/her .Here in INDIA we are married to a person whom we have never met before. Once we are married then we are suppose to live happily & don't leave anything unturned to make our marriage successful.Traditionally we are not supposed to take divorce rarely people take divorces as these are not considered good here in society.But then too if leave exceptions most of the people spend their whole life with just one partner making life less complex.
In your case i think you need to know your partner more as i think you still feel that you don't know much about your partner or you have bad feelings about marriage when you see people having unsuccessful marriage.
You need to remember one thing that every one is not same what has happened to that woman not necessarily will happen to all. So you should get prepared for marriage after you know your partner you should take time for it but should not say that you won't marry.
In your case i think you need to know your partner more as i think you still feel that you don't know much about your partner or you have bad feelings about marriage when you see people having unsuccessful marriage.
You need to remember one thing that every one is not same what has happened to that woman not necessarily will happen to all. So you should get prepared for marriage after you know your partner you should take time for it but should not say that you won't marry.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
22 Jun 11
I know my guy very well. But I know myself More. I would never make a man happy by marrying him. It isn't him or marriage , It's me. The best way I can explain is this. I'm built backwards. for many just being boyfriend / girlfriend . it is fleeting and once you get marry you get Truly connected. You become One. Well , for me the best way to become One is for me to be free enough to love fully. Once married I will detach.Love,if there were any, would stop.
I can understand an arranged marriage. with that it isn't for love. You are not suppose to follow your heart. It is a family obligation.Love Can come later but if it doesn't , it doesn't. you are suppose to marry and have children. I can understand it.
