Why do I react so strongly to some people?
@bagarad (14283)
Paso Robles, California
September 30, 2011 3:48am CST
Today we had visitors -- two of my least favorite people in the world. And I am not sure why. I have known them for several years and being anywhere near them drives me crazy. I find it difficult to remain in the same room with them. So, of course, my husband invited them in while I was in the kitchen and couldn't very well escape. My husband is so good-hearted, and in comparison I feel like a real grump. The girl wanted to earn some money, so my husband thought up a job she could do. Keep in mind my feelings are so strong that I actually hid in the house the other day when I needed to unload groceries because one was out in the yard talking to my husband as he was leaving. I wanted to wait until she was gone.
There are five people in the world I feel this way about and four of them are in the same family. It bothers me that I feel this way, and I feel guilty about it. It seems that these people are always in my face and I can't escape contact with them because they often visit my neighbor and they used to live with her. We don't let them live there anymore, but I wish I didn't have to have contact with them. I feel they are totally phony with me. They are overly polite when I believe in their hearts they don't believe a bit of it. I've got a wall up a mile high and I want to turn and run if they so much as say hi, but I have to be polite and then I feel phony. On the other hand, I have no good reason to feel this way. If I were a cat my back woud arch if they came near me and I might start making growling sounds. They are always wanting to greet me with hugs and I don't want them. Honesty would not help, because I simply couldn't say we need to stay away from each other because I can't handle having you around. That would be unkind, since they may not realize what a problem I have with then. I shall brood about this tonight and see what god does with my thoughts . My sleeping pill is telling to go bed since the fingers won't type straight.
i
the right keys anymore tonight
7 people like this
16 responses
@estherlou (5015)
• United States
1 Oct 11
Some people just rub us the wrong way. It might not be anything we can put our finger on, or it might be an instinctive "reading" of their character. I tend to trust those feelings. You can be civil, if you have to interact with them, but I'd keep my distance also. Hubby just isn't getting the same vibe from them that you are.
2 people like this
@estherlou (5015)
• United States
2 Oct 11
All of us are "works in progress" and some people can push our buttons real easy.
1 person likes this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
1 Oct 11
Hubby says I just never learned how to deal with people like this when I was younger -- people who weren't parented properly or brought up properly. i guess I also picked up certain attitudes from my mother that are showing now. Perhaps I should be more compassionate, but I won't be able to do it without God's help.
1 person likes this
@Rick1950 (1575)
• Lima, Peru
30 Sep 11
Well, Bagarad, you haven't easy with those people. It seems you can't avoid contact with them and they are near around you. I see you're feeling dissapointed with these people. But try to be relaxed and don't take it so serious. I really expect you go well through that event and you are going to be happier. 
2 people like this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
1 Oct 11
I hope so. Maybe I was in a worse mood than usual yesterday. I was making tea and couldn't leave to go upstairs until it was brewing in the pot. I had been planning to serve dessert just after that, and then we had the drop-in visitors and then my husband went outside with them to show the daughter what she needed to do to earn the money.
The more I write, the more selfish I feel. Just talked to Hubby again. He says it's just that these people have had no upbringing, which is true and they are reaching out to us for the parenting they didn't have. May be true of the mom, but not so much the daughter, who acts nicey nicey to us but has hit her own mother. And she smirks all the time.
1 person likes this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
2 Oct 11
I guess we will just have to do the best we can to handle it when we are faced with situations we can't avoid.
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
30 Sep 11
Me thinks...dear lady, it is that special thing called "women's intuition," something that we are really blessed with, OR a "gut feeling!" And, oft, more than not..given time, those feelings come to fruition. I know it is hard to bite your tongue, and you harbor inner guilt feelings. Obviously, these feelings are growing stronger each time they are in your presence, so honor your feelings, and remember, the Lord will give you strength to handle these occasions with diplomacy and tact. Respect your innermost feelings, as something is NOT right here. Cheers!2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
1 Oct 11
I do understand, often pouring out your heart gives one more thought and more introspection, but in my case, I have to pull myself up short, as I can waste so much time on these issues, when other's need addressing. I have, as year's add up...learned to listen to my inner self more!
I hear, loud and clear, your struggle, as the emotion's of your husband are entirely different...what you write about him reminds me of my Father. A kind and gentle spirit....the epitome of; see no evil, hear no evil, say no evil!@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
1 Oct 11
It causes not only guilt, but also introspection. I wrote three paragraphs that I cut out of my last response, because the more I wrote, the more I was seeing, and I decided it needed to be through through more before sharing it.
1 person likes this
@janevi (888)
• Philippines
30 Sep 11
I can just imagine your reaction when these people are around. :-) I can understand that there are really some people that you cannot take for one or two reasons. In my case, if ever I meet people I don't like, I try to be civil and polite whenever they are around. Just like you, I also try to limit my appearance with them to avoid some unpleasant reactions that I may have . I try to stay away and silently wish that they'll be gone soon. After they have left, I try to check my self why do i feel that way toward them. It is beneficial to do some introspection because I realized the reasons for my reactions. Sometimes, there is something in them like their manners and ways of doing things that I really don't like and abhor such kind of attitude. It helped me to change the way I feel and the way I deal with them the next time I meet them. So, i maintained my 'poise' and showed them that i am not affected and carry on with my interaction with them without getting annoyed.
I realized that in the end, I am the one who suffer not them because they don't know that they cause me some misery.
I also found out that there some good things in them that I overlooked because of my biased judgment.
2 people like this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
1 Oct 11
What you say is true. What's strange is that if I saw these people hurt or in need of help, I would help them. I don't mean them ill. I just wish our world's didn't connect so much.
@janevi (888)
• Philippines
2 Oct 11
To help those in need i think is our natural reaction whether they are our enemies or people we don't like. It is innate to us to help.:-) It is just that we can't take them.Sometimes, i would also think that maybe there is something in them that I don't like in myself and maybe I am just projecting it to them.:-D
@piendsky4 (11)
• United States
1 Oct 11
I know how you feel. There is a woman I worked with and she recently left the company for a different opportunity. But I do know where my feelings are coming from. I felt betrayed by her prior to her leaving the company. Unfortunately she was considered as the weakest link in our office; she was going through a rough time and I felt I was there for her. She is a great person but a bit quirky which is fine with me. As they say, we are all God's children. There was an incident that occured a few days before she left. I was honest with her for I didn't want her to feel like I was taking something from her. But the way she reacted caught me off guard and seemed as though she was accusing me of something I was trying to prevent but back fired on me. Ever since that incident, I have not made any attempts to strike up a conversation with her; I just want to stay away.
She still comes in the office at least once a week. I see her and completely ignore her. It's an unfortunate way to end our professional and personal relationship. She is a good person but I think I just had enough.
2 people like this
@peavey (16936)
• United States
30 Sep 11
I have known people who made me feel that way, so I know what you mean. If you haven't talked with your husband about the way you feel, that would be where I would start. Maybe he could support you, or as someone else said, maybe he has his own doubts about them.
I think it can be an emotional survival instinct that makes us want to avoid some people, and I think that's okay to feel that way, as long as it doesn't grow into a hatred of them. We don't have to like everyone.
Also, I don't think you're being a hypocrite when you're polite to them. You're simply doing the minimum required in human relationships to avoid direct conflict.
1 person likes this
@peavey (16936)
• United States
1 Oct 11
Oh, that's bad. For me, at this point, it would be hard to not be totally honest and tell them "Look, we can get along, but we will never be close friends, so let's stop pretending." Not very practical, but that's just me...
Maybe if you started talking about things they know nothing about when they were around, they'd back off a little. Or express opinions you know they don't share. Not to be mean about it, but maybe they'd realize they don't have much in common with you and even if they do, you could bring out the areas where they don't.
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
1 Oct 11
I'm defnitely going to have to work on the feelings. Part of it is that they expect more than politeness -- they expect to be treated like intimate friends, and I just can't fake it and don't want to be put in the position of seeming to be the cold fish I appear to be. My husband knows how I feel, and I suspect that since he doesn't share my feelings, he sees it as a failing in me. Sometimes I think these people can sense that and actually enjoy the power their presence has to cause a silent dissension -- like kids playing one parent against the other.
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
30 Sep 11
I think that if you have an introverted personality, that people who are very enthusiastic, wear their hearts on their sleeve, say what they mean sort of make you feel uncomfortable. You have to find out if they did something that really did hurt you in the past as the reason why you felt this way. Or it could be a personality clash. And you have to not let it get at you because now what they did in the past to really hurt you is from a long time ago. Another thing is are they are of a different social class then you? And perhaps it is the grammar or the way they say their words.
The trouble is they do not know how they irritate you if you stay in the house . Why not ask them to be not so loud and just a mini hug instead of one of their usual bear hugs?
That might help.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
2 Oct 11
There are some people who also bug me. Now me, I am sort of inbetween but I like to have a certain space. I do not like to get into someone's face and I do not like them getting into me. For instance, I do not like being prodded when someone wants my attention. I want them to say :excuse me" and not push or prod me. Then what happens if spoils the whole day. I do not mind social class differences as long as they are the best example of the social class, not the worse.
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
1 Oct 11
I'm not really an introvert. I can be quite an extrovert when the occasion calls for it. If anyone tends to wear the heart on the sleeve, it's me. I'm pretty outspoken, though I also try to be diplomatic about the way I say things. There is a personality clash. but I don't think these people have hurt me. They just seem to know where my buttons are and the push them. I guess you could say they just don't respect my boundaries, physical or emotional. And they are also of a different social class, but that isn't the problem here.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
2 Oct 11
I'm so sorry. If I were you , I would be cordial but I would make sure if hubby wants them over , I'm in the next state. I'm lucky. the only person I want to avoid is a movie star. He is the only person I loathe at the moment. And it is safer for him that I never see him! I hope youe G-d gave you enough peace to sleep well. And I'm glad you told us about your feelings. There is more room out than in , Believe me I Know of what I speak.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
3 Oct 11
To answer your question is yes.Never keep emotions in . never keep who you really are in either! this is an expression my mom would say about gas. I use it about being gay and having emotions.
The " star" in question is George Clooney. I Never want to see him in person. i have had this hatred for about 18 years I believe. So it is safer we don't meet.
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
3 Oct 11
I'm not sure I got you meaning in your sentence, "There is more room out than in." Are you speaking of physcial or emotional space? I'm also wondering if you have actually met this movie star or just just seen or read something in the media that has upset you.
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
30 Sep 11
I also know people I can't stand and I was told that usually this person has been hurt in a similar way that I was. When I looked at it from that perspective, and found out that 2 of them actually were hurt like I was, though I still can't really stand them, I understood why I had these feelings. It's hard to explain, other than like the one mylotter said, explain to your husband that this person makes you uncomfortable and if he would please not invite them over without talking to you first..
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
1 Oct 11
Ugh, that stinks..I don't know what to tell you, that won't be rude or lying..I feel for you bagarad..
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
1 Oct 11
My husband knows how I feel. He doesn't invite them over. They are ex-neighbors and ex tenants, and they come to visit their friend and ex-roommate who still is our tenant. They just appear on our porch at our sliding glass door whenever they happen to be there and want to talk. They always have. Then my husband feels he's the rude one if he doesn't invite them in.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
30 Sep 11
Tell your husband how you feel. Maybe he feels the same way but says nothing because he doesn't want to offend your "friends".
Feeling this strongly about someone is usually your instincts for survival kicking in. You don't have to talk to those people or even be polite, you're under no obligation to do so. After you tell your husband how you feel, don't say another word to them except to tell them that you don't want to associate with them.
Such strong feelings are rarely wrong. You're being warned, so you should listen or live to regret it.
2 people like this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
1 Oct 11
I have told my husband how I feel. He knows I struggle with these feelings. He just doesn't feel the same way, especially toward the daughter. He is quicker to want to help and fix problems and people. He is generous and good-hearted. I want to know there's a real need before I give and I don't like being taken advantage of. He's willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
@strawberrybaby39 (2086)
• United States
30 Sep 11
I have had those feelings as well before. There is something about them and you try to figure it out why you are bothered inside about them so much. Sometimes I think our spirit warns us if there is something wrong with a person. If I get that feeling a couple times being around them. I just stay away from people that give me that feeling then I feel at ease inside. Maybe God is trying to tell you something. Pray and listen. He will always answer you. Pray over the people that make you feel that way to. God gives me warnings when he doesn't want me around people. Because of things they do. God bless.
2 people like this
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
30 Sep 11
Hello bagarad, i hope it has nothing to do with age, there are times that we tend to react when we least expect it. in my case, i haven't had any guest for a long time except my moms. it's hard to control something n your feelings that you have absolutely nothing to prepare for. I only hope that i can control myself when something happens that am not prepared for. have a nice day2 people like this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
1 Oct 11
I don't think it has anything to do with their age or mine. I have people both older and younger than them I really enjoy. Or, do you perhaps mean I might be getting grumpier in my old age? Maybe there is some of that, but I don't think it's the whole answer.
@EdnaReyes (2622)
• Philippines
30 Sep 11
yeah you are right, we can;t help it but Me too have people that I know that I am not comfortable to be with even if they've been friendly and nice to me. I just don't know but there's something in that I despised and God forgive me, can't stand them. Maybe in the pa
st life,they're our rivals worst enemies!
st life,they're our rivals worst enemies! 2 people like this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
1 Oct 11
Sometimes I think maybe I see something I don't like about myself in them, something I'd rather not notice.
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
2 Oct 11
There are many kinds of information that we can pick up about others indirectly, so usually when we react adversely to someone else it is for a very good reason. Therefore we should not feel guilty about it in my view.
Personally I just don't see anything wrong with avoiding people who are undesirable, for whatever reason. But I do it in a more direct way. Instead of hiding I just tell them I don't have time to visit, either verbally or by my action of just saying Hi and Goodbye and walking away. If they are worth knowing they will underswtand and if not who cares?
1 person likes this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
2 Oct 11
If it were just I, I would do that. I'd go outside instead of inviting them in. But my husband is different. When he's home, he also has rights, since it's also his home. But I guess I could excuse myself.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
3 Oct 11
There are very few people in the world to whom I react to this way. In fact, I can only think of two people in the world that I actually know that I dislike so much that I couldn't even face them. One of those people is an ex of mine that decieved me in many ways and when we did split, he threatened my life and that of my family and that is the reason that I could never face him again. The other person is a former so-called friend that stole from my family last year and for that reason alone, I can't face her because we were nothing but good to her and she stole from us.
1 person likes this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
3 Oct 11
I can understand your not wanting to have any contact with these people. You, at least, have an identifiable reason for wanting to stay away from them.
