What to Do
By Joni
@joni1215 (394)
United States
November 8, 2011 3:05pm CST
I have a sister in law who only talks to me when
it is getting close to the holidays. Each year we
have Thanksgiving at my husband's uncle's house and
then we trade off on hosting Christmas. Well, I have
tried to be a part of her life but she fails to accept
my friendship. however, during the holidays she gets
real chatty texting me, calling and visits. Then when
the new year starts it's back to nothing. I fall for
it every time. i don't have kids and she has grand kids
and I love spending time with them. And she knows this,
and she always says she will invite me over more to see
them and all but it never happens. So, at the risk of
appearing needy I just kinda backed away. I did bring this
up to her and she said she had no idea where this was coming
from. And that she just thought when I said I wanted
to be a part of the kids life that it was just something
someone says in passing. It's all bull. Now, her daughter
is having her 3rd baby and they are having a shower. And she
literally tossed an invitation at me. I don't even feel
like going and my husband says look they only asked for
expensive gifts too. I don't want to be a puppy running at
the morsel that was tossed but if I don't go she can say well
see we invited you and you did not come. What do ya'll think?
2 people like this
6 responses
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
9 Nov 11
What I would do is try to get in with her daughter ans see where that goes since she really shows no sign of truly wanting to let you in the group. I'd try to instill my way in and take a gift to the mom and tell her that her mom threw the invite at you, so here you are. It might help too if you ask if you can help with anything. But ask the daughter not the mom since she has shown where she seems to stand.
But you could ask her what she is doing and why she is doing you the way she is? Tell her they way you feel. Many people do not know that the way they are doing is being accepted the way it is by someone. They don't understand that the way they do is not acceptable. They need to change the way they are doing things with people.
So talking to her may help.
I wish you lots of luck!!!!
1 person likes this
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
10 Nov 11
In that case it seems there is nothing you can do. You have tried and it does no good. Why put yourself out like that just to have to deal with her and her petty idiosyncrasies? I wouldn't do it. Like your husband says, just leave it be and don't go or get anything. It's not like it's her first child anyway.
@joni1215 (394)
• United States
9 Nov 11
It's not possible to get close to the daughter
because she lives with her Mom and her mom has
made her totally dependent on her. I have talked
to her and she says that she does not know what I
am talking about. She has done this so long and
everyone else just accepts it as her. I doubt there
is any getting trough to her because she is not dealing
with reality. Thing is she does not work and never has.
Men have always supported her. So, she is always
needy. It would never be a give and take relationship.
@lisa0502 (1724)
• Canada
9 Nov 11
I would go and hold my head high and focus on the kids. If you keep letting her know that this is bothering you then it will. I assume her kids are adults? I would also reach out to them and directly see if you can visit them. It may surprise you. And hey if her kids do start a friendship with you it will probably wake her up. Take what you can and hold your head high and be the better person. Good luck and I hope you can come to some solution.
1 person likes this
@joni1215 (394)
• United States
9 Nov 11
Her daughter lives with her and her boy friend.
So there is no talking to her directly and anything
that is said to her she tells her mom anyway. Her mom
has made her totally dependent on her. I just think
it may be too late in the game to establish a relationship.
My sister in law tells me that she will control how the
the grand kids care about my by how she addresses me whether I am
Joni or Aunt Joni. It's mind games.
@GardenGerty (160642)
• United States
9 Nov 11
A shower for a third baby is a little unusual, I think. I would buy her some of her choice of diapers and go to the shower. I have a standard gift I get, usually lavender scented baby products and I tell the mom it relaxes them and helps them sleep. Do not break your budget. I think you need to go, but do not expect much from it. Visit the other two kiddos and be happy for the daughter having the baby.
@lilblondiemjd (857)
• United States
8 Nov 11
I'm so sorry that you're in this position. She sounds like a real piece of work. I'm really headstrong, so I don't think I'd go if I were you...But I'm sure that would cause a lot of problems. She knows that she's being really passive aggressive, and it's not fair for you to have to be around that. It's just hard because if you avoid her alone, then you're also avoiding the rest of his family including people you may get along with. Have you talked to your husband about it?
@joni1215 (394)
• United States
8 Nov 11
Yes, and he does not want me to participate.
he does not see why I need to be around all
of that. You know men don't understand the
need for children in a woman's life and he knows
she will just use them to get at me. You are
right, she is a real piece of work in more ways
than I can say. I could write a nice short story
on just her. I think I am just gonna forget it.
It's like she is throwing what she has in my face.
Last night she texted and said don't forget the
baby shower and do you want me to save you baby
jars to store your beads in. Well, it could be
construed as trying to be nice. Except that is
not her style. She loves making people jump through
hoops. She loves to be the center of attention also.
@HICKS22 (28)
• United States
9 Nov 11
I understand where you are coming from with this, but have you tried to talk with her about how you feel? Sometimes it is better to tell her how you feel because that works. Think of this as trying to mend a broken relationship with her. If you don't feel comfortable doing that I can understand. I think that your sister should talk to you more often, besides the holidays. I am sure that you would like to stay connected with her. I also think that she should let you be a part of the kids lives,but then she probably has her own obligations to deal with too. The only thing you should do is tell her how you feel, but also listen to how she feels and maybe you both can connect with each other more often throughout the next year.
@joni1215 (394)
• United States
9 Nov 11
She is my sister in law. And I have already tried
this and she says she will but she never does. If
I call she will say she has another call and will
back but never does. It's not a broken relationship
as there has never really been one yet. I have been
trying to have one. She says all the right things
but there is no follow through. I am beginning to
suspect some psychological issues with her.
