How to get rid of one without the other?
By bonnie
@bunnybon7 (50973)
Holiday, Florida
November 19, 2011 5:21pm CST
Most of you know, I have a daughter here I love more then life. shes always been there for me as I have her. When I was going to have to have surgery, this is the person I knew would go stay with me in the hospital and help, lovingly and not grudgingly. 
anyway, she was nearly homeless in florida, even though she was working. 
so i ask her to come here but she said she wanted to but she really didnt want to leave her young boyfriend thats 10 yrs her junior (27 yrs) I knew she wouldnt be happy if i made her leave him there but i thought, hey maybe here where theres more jobs he could be the one working and helping them get ahead. Hes had several jobs. none works out for long
Im tapped out for money. having went over my alotted amount for meds, co pays, etc. so, my poor little skinny daughter is now working again trying to keep afloat. hes a drinker that shes been trying to keep off the sauce. lol. son dont allow drinking here anyway having been a recovering alchy himself. the bf of hers is really getting on my nerves. so childish. first good check he did get, he had to have a $170. guitar. geesh!!! im just trying to figure a way to get her away from him ,but shes "IN LOVE!" dont you know. cant see his wrong. guess im stuck. sorry to rant. seems thats all i ever do here. lol
anyway, she was nearly homeless in florida, even though she was working. so i ask her to come here but she said she wanted to but she really didnt want to leave her young boyfriend thats 10 yrs her junior (27 yrs) I knew she wouldnt be happy if i made her leave him there but i thought, hey maybe here where theres more jobs he could be the one working and helping them get ahead. Hes had several jobs. none works out for longIm tapped out for money. having went over my alotted amount for meds, co pays, etc. so, my poor little skinny daughter is now working again trying to keep afloat. hes a drinker that shes been trying to keep off the sauce. lol. son dont allow drinking here anyway having been a recovering alchy himself. the bf of hers is really getting on my nerves. so childish. first good check he did get, he had to have a $170. guitar. geesh!!! im just trying to figure a way to get her away from him ,but shes "IN LOVE!" dont you know. cant see his wrong. guess im stuck. sorry to rant. seems thats all i ever do here. lol7 people like this
17 responses
@peavey (16936)
• United States
20 Nov 11
Are they staying with you? You need to set some boundaries if they are. Tell them what their share of the utilities and food is. Let them know that you can't support them both. It sounds like your daughter would understand if you explained to her that you don't have enough money for your medication and that you don't mind helping, but there is only so much you can do.
Her boyfriend is her choice, especially at her age, and there's nothing you can do about it, sadly. She may have to learn the hard way. Being a mother can be the hardest job in the world.
2 people like this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
20 Nov 11
yes its an extremely hard job. the idea was we help them and they get ahead enough to help themselves get on their own. but he wont save even when hes made a little money. and we have laid down the rules. my daughter understands to a degree but she has blinders on when it comes to him. 
we have discussed share of bills, but the one month he made enough to put in a little, he thought since he had a job, he should have the guitar. now the job did not work out, so, we are back to square one with paying all, plus things i had to buy for her job, and now hes got another just yesterday where he needs things to work there.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
20 Nov 11
I have issues about my daughter's b/f too. I hold onto the fact that she is a smart girl and sooner or later that love won't be enough to cover up who he really is. The sad thing is that it takes so much to make one see sometimes. It's not that their bad...they are loyal and they think if they forsake the "needy" that they are doing something wrong. These men have a way of clinging and making the girls think they "need" them.
We'll hang in there together and hope that these guys either change or get the heck out of dodge
We'll hang in there together and hope that these guys either change or get the heck out of dodge2 people like this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
20 Nov 11
im with you. if one of us figure out a foolproof way to get rid of them without daughters finding out we should let the other know. right?2 people like this
@GardenGerty (162464)
• United States
20 Nov 11
Bunny you gotta have somewhere to spill it out. Here is a good place. No one in the family has to hear it and get defensive. If you criticize you know it will just make her stick to him more. He will get tired of things eventually and move on.
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
20 Nov 11
You really are in a pickle on this one, I don't think she will accept him leaving without her. So you would probably loose both of them. It is not an easy decision to make whatever you do.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
20 Nov 11
yes you are likely right. i was hoping for some pointers here or maybe just to get to rant
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
19 Nov 11
Hi there... I understand your good will to help your daughter, every mother would do that.. It seems to me that she needs to learn a few lessons too.. If the BF is wasting time and money, then he is no good.. Either he needs to change or she'll need to change her partner or at least, leave him... Why don't you talk to your daughter and explain it all to her???
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
20 Nov 11
yes. good luck with that. i have talked to her but she thinks shes so in love. lots of us have been the same she also cant see him thruthfully and takes up for him. gotten mad with me a couple of times. ive gotta watch how i do it. 
1 person likes this
@nanajanet (4436)
• United States
20 Nov 11
You can't, because I had similar with my daughter. My husband fought with her, about him, constantly. The more he did, the more she dug in her heels about him.
I told him, "back off talk him up, be nice. She will figure it out", and she did. When she finally dumped him, she said to my husband
2 people like this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
20 Nov 11
thats exactly what we were hoping for but they arent going to get on their feet at the rate they are going.no way i can throw him out without daughter being mad at me and maybe go homeless with him. 
i was kind of hopeing for ideas here
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
26 Nov 11
You know how kids can be...say or do one thing and they go the other way...if you go the other way first, they should hopefully go the way you actually want them to. Us mothers have to stick together at times like this.
You will stay sweet with your daughter this way and he will relax thinking he is doing good. She is smart, she will soon start to see what an idiot he is and you will look like a saint.
Thanks for BR.
You will stay sweet with your daughter this way and he will relax thinking he is doing good. She is smart, she will soon start to see what an idiot he is and you will look like a saint.
Thanks for BR.@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
26 Nov 11
great idea. maybe if i take up for him enough she will see what a goof ball he really is. even get jealous? you are the first one with a great idea like that
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
21 Nov 11
Your daughter has to make the decision to either leave him or kick him out herself. She has to tell him that either he get help or he is out. The trouble is that she is too much 'in love' with him and thinks that by being good to him and showing what a nice person she is, he will get the hint. All you can do is to be there.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
22 Nov 11
iknow. you are right. still hopeing things will work out soon here. thanks suspenseful
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
20 Nov 11
Dear bunnybon...there is NO easy out, here! No solution...other than time, and your perserverance. I know, the commonality of advice is to lay down some rules...NOT EASY, and you will more than likely alienate yourself! I think, sadly, this is one of those storms...you just have to ride out!
I truly believe the emotional part, you have to stay out of!
BUT, I also think the time is NOW, that you have to lay down some financial ground rules...there is NO free ride...and the one that you have given..IS OVER!
The finances directly affect you..and entire family, and I would hate to see it eventually create a rift with the rest of the family! I think you have to control what you can here, and leave the other alone!
This is a good place to rant, bunnybon...best of LUCK, dear!@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
21 Nov 11
OH GOSH...don't get mad at me..but the more I think about it..the more I realize you are the enabler (and I would be too!) If she didn't have you..a warm place to land, she may be able to see the forest, and the trees much sooner. The more she realized that her future was in jeopardy..with this "no goodnick" the sooner she would get rid of him..hopefully!
For your sake, I hope she "see's the light" soon....but on her own! She doesn't need another loser...she will be so much stronger if she does this on her own!
Can your son not lay down the law...tell this lazy soul..room and board is needed from HIM, and you will not accept payment from your daughter? Good luck, dear!@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
22 Nov 11
i couldnt get mad at you for that. i am asking for advice after allYes, son has told him the rent is for his upkeep, not daughters. son is just about as bad at "tough love" thing as me though when it comes to baby sister, 
hes a push over for her. the one thing i know to is that at least no guy will hit her. son would pulverize them. lol.1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
20 Nov 11
i know. i keep trying to explain that to my daughter. i might not mind as much just helping her some but him laying on his butt, NO, i dont like that. hope she meets someone else at work soon or something. and sees the light.1 person likes this
@Hatley (163773)
• Garden Grove, California
19 Nov 11
hi bunnybon7 wow he is just too young for her, okay love but why cannot kids fall in love with guys that are hard working and dependable, a guy should not be letting his girlfriend support him.
I bet she feels sorry for him oh dear and a drinker, oh my goodness whats she thinking? I cannot imagine even at 17 spending 170 on a g guitar when he was so hard up. I wish she could see some guys her own age where you are now as if she fell for one , your problem 'would be solved. us women are nuts when we fall for a guy like that, Hey bunnybon maybe your son could help you to persuade your daughter shes loving a loser and find someone her own age he sounds like he is using her as a replacement mom.hey I can s end some prayers asking God to turn her towards a man her own age who would love her and c are for her instead.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
20 Nov 11
exactly. my oldest daughter says you can fall just as much in love with a guy thats self supporting and mature. i know that now to. but i did have a few years of the same kind of blindness. till i met John. 
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
20 Nov 11
HI BON, It hurts so much to see your children go through things like this & no matter what u say or do it's hopeless. It usually just causes trouble between u & your child.Maybe she will see the writing on the wall before too much longer. It took me a long time to get my 'stuff' together.wishing the best for u both.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
20 Nov 11
So far i haven't even got a bill from the hospital. I'm sure i will,GRRRR, BUT I DO HAVE MEDICARE & A SUPPLEMENT W/BLUE CROSS SO HOPEFULLY THEY WILL PAY GOOD. hAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
20 Nov 11
yes you are right and i feel for you when the hospital bills, etc. start coming.
thats one of the many things freaking me out. 1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
20 Nov 11
absolutely. most deserves him. unfortunately none would have this one in spite of how my daughter sees him. like Agra, he met already and not only is she WAY older but he doesnt like her at all. then Chrissy, i havent heard from since febuary and she sure dont deserve a deadbeat like that no more then my daughter does. chrissy is the one i liked. the one in NY, still is crazy over my son and shes to far away for me to hope for that. the last one, just dates guys that pay for her to go out.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
23 Nov 11
It's okay because you certainly aren't the only one that needs to get it out sometimes. With that said, you don't owe anything at all to your daughter's boyfriend. So, I wouldn't threaten to put him out of the house. However, I would make it a point to say that I would not be paying for his food and such because it is just something that you can't afford. He is an adult and needs to pay for his own food and some of the household expenses as well. If he can't do that, then let him know that means that he has to go.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
23 Nov 11
the bad part about it is that he gets 200 bucks worth of food stamps a month but i dont feel that cuts it. like my son said, for 200 in rent he couldnt rent a box much less all the extras here. like phone, tv, internet, electric, gas, water, and soap and a washer to wash his clothes, etc. 
@inertia4 (27970)
• United States
24 Nov 11
Well, I think that in time she will realizer that he is not for her. You are right in not telling her to leave him, that could turn her away from you. I know it does not sound like a good situation, but you have to let her fall in order to learn from experience. We have already been through this thing called life, she is still learning. Be patient.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
24 Nov 11
im sure trying. but just like today. she got up at 3am to fix the thanksgiving meal. it was perfect. shes off work today after 7 straight days. He didnt even eat yet and made the comment that it didnt seem like a holiday cause no one here drinks eeerrr!1 person likes this
@inertia4 (27970)
• United States
30 Nov 11
Well, you do not need to get drunk to have a good time. I know. Look, I am not saying I do not have a few on new years, I do, but it all comes down to who is sending the time with you. It's all about family. Let him make his comment, and also, did he say it in a joke? If so, then I am sure it does not mean anything. Just enjoy being together.
@lumenmom (1986)
• United States
20 Nov 11
You probably can't do much about this, especially since your daughter thinks she's in love. She is not capable right now of seeing him for what he is and unfortunately she may have a long hard road ahead. Try your best to be suppportive of her as person and don't bad mouth him to her, even though it may be tempting to do so. I would point out from time to time some of the facts (such as it is his responsibility to address his drinking problem, she can't do it for him and if he does not do that it can cause major problems for them), just give her things to think about in her alone times. She probably sees some of these things but does not want to accept them for what they are. Hopefully in time she will come around.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
20 Nov 11
i keep hopeing for that and ive bitten my tongue till its raw ive even prayed. 
@junmae (1586)
• Philippines
20 Nov 11
Sorry to hear that, I know it is hard for a mother seeing her daughter being ruined by somebody else. But if a person is deeply in love, she is blinded from reality. Her happiness with him causes too much pain but she didn't mind it at all as long as she is happy with him. I just hope that your daughter's eyes will be opened to make her realized that the man is not worth it for her love.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
20 Nov 11
even she has said he might not stay with her because of the age difference and other things but its just takong to long for me
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
20 Nov 11
oh poor bunnybon you are really stuck between a rock and a hard place. I understand how much you love your daughter and I bet it drives you insane to see she is with someone who drinks too much. So you really have a good reason to object the relationship.
But your daughter does not see the danger ahead even though she is 10 years older than he is and should be able to see whats ahead when he continues drinking and then wasting the money on a new guitar when food on the table and a roof over the head would really be first priority.
I think there is no way you could get her away from him though you really have good reason to try. She will always have something to tell you to convince you its not that bad.....
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
20 Nov 11
yes thats one arguement she gives. oh, he has his good points she thinks and hes not that bad. she cant see that to others he is that bad!!