I need some relationship advice....
By rmorefield
@rmorefield (941)
United States
February 9, 2012 9:56am CST
Ok. I am female (of course) and have been best friends with a guy for over a year now. We are constantly talking on the phone, texting, emailing, etc. We know everything there is to know about each other. We have a great time when we're together, which is often. In the whole time that we've known each other, neither of us has been in any type of relationship with anyone else. Here's my problem. He calls me "Babe", and tells me that he loves me and wants me in his life forever, and then in the same breath says that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, but he wants us to become "friends with benefits". What is going on in his brain? I understand the whole relationship thing, because he's busy trying to get his life together. But at the same time, I'm good enough to be his BFF, and I'm good enough for his bed.....but not his heart (even though he says he loves me)? Does he want more from me and is just confused about it? I have had many male friends over the years, but never one that acts like he does. Please give me some advice. What do I do? What does he want?
2 people like this
17 responses
@rochii (15)
• Philippines
10 Feb 12
Awww. I've been in that situation... (And still in that situation)
I don't wth is wrong and he doesn't commit to me. He always say that he's not ready for a commitment yet but not ready to lose me as well. Sorry I can't help sharing my story because I can relate. I think, we don't deserve to be the 'comfort zone' that he can run to whenever he wants or needs someone. But maybe we have some differences, I'm just an option. He's my ex actually, back in high school. So I never understand why he doesn't have the balls to commit when we are happy with each other. I've decided to stop entertaining him because I think it's just a waste of time.
2 people like this
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
10 Feb 12
I guess he likes you but he is confused whether he really loves you or just wanna see whether things will work out for you both. For me it really won't work at all if he wants us to become friends with benefits. I mean, there is nothing wrong about being friends and eventually be lovers, but at least become serious about me. And not too straight forward that he wants to try me in bed too. It's hard to give ourselves to someone whom we are not sure of whether he truly loves us or not.
2 people like this
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
10 Feb 12
I agree with you. While I want the physical aspect of it, I just can't have casual encounters. I want him to be serious about me, and want it all.
1 person likes this
@anncherry (406)
• Philippines
10 Feb 12
You should always remember: DO NOT SELL YOURSELF SHORT. So if he wants it to be "friends with benefits", you should say NO. That kind of setup is unfair for you; you will always feel insecure and will forever wonder what's going on in his mind. Having a good relationship is having good communication, and if he can't even tell you clearly that he loves you for what you are that he's willing to take a risk in having a serious relationship with you, then that's NOT good communication (despite the great times together). What does he want? He wants your body but not your heart. What should you do? Don't agree to it. Being your own person and being able to stand up for yourself is more attractive (to the good guy) than being a doormat.
2 people like this
@haopee (493)
• Philippines
10 Feb 12
Hi.
It's like he doesn't want the drama included in a relationship but loves your company. Some males find it easier to like and love a person when they know that they aren't committed to them.
He wants you to be his friend with benefit, like the movie starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis.
What do you want in your relationship? Do you want commitment or companionship? I think you have to decide for yourself first what you want for you two.
2 people like this
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
10 Feb 12
LOL. I just saw that movie last week. It's a little ironic, isn't it?
Hmmmmm... What do I want? I want what we have now with a commitment. I don't work well with jealousy. But I know that the only way for me to get over that is to 1) have the commitment from him; or 2) walk away and forget him. Because I know deep down in my heart that our friendship is too deep and complicated to outlast either of us finding someone else. I love him with all of my heart....but if I don't get the commitment, I'm going to have to distance myself. He just doesn't understand that. We've talked about that before (before the whole romantic conversation). I told him that one day he would meet a girl and forget all about me. His response was "I'll leave her before I let her come between us". I responded with "Then you'll never have another girlfriend because there is not one single girl out there that would understand and accept you and I." But, since he is a guy, he didn't believe me. And the same thing goes for me. I know that without that commitment, one day I will have to choose between him and someone else. But for right now, I'm not pushing a commitment on him, and he's not pushing anything physical on me. We both have a decision to make.
1 person likes this
@NailTech (6874)
• United States
9 Feb 12
Well, he is conflicting what he says there for sure by saying he wants you in his life forever and loves you and then says that he doesn't want a relationship. I mean, isn't that what a relationship is. He is totally in denial about something or otherwise doesn't know what he wants. Friends with benefits sounds like he just wants you for "one thing" eventually, so that can't be good unless you agree that is what you want as well. I'm not sure about him, he doesn't sound like he truly wants a real relationship where you both are sincere to each other, to the point of not dating or seeing anyone else with or without benefits, too.
2 people like this
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
9 Feb 12
LOL. I thought that's what a relationship was, too. :) Apparently from a guy's point of view it isn't, though. He assured me (numerous times) that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship with me, but that he didn't want one with ANYONE. So I don't know how to take that. He wants us to go out (on what I constitute as a date since he drives, he pays, etc) and he wants us to "have fun", but he doesn't want the label. I don't know.
1 person likes this
@thelmadacullo112659 (642)
• Philippines
10 Feb 12
All i can advise u is that...try to meet him every now and then..then u can go dating to him.as u go along with ur friendship of course u will go to a relationship...still observe him by talking each other and there u can realize and know his real character, thats the time to go with him....
2 people like this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
10 Feb 12
I'm a woman so I'm not really sure. Guys think differently than us. I would say that he doesn't want things to change drastically between the two of you. He doesn't want to feel obligated to call you every night or take you out on dates etc. He wants it to be just how it is now which isn't always a bad thing. I would ask him to be clear though but I'm guessing that he would keep it monagamous and that you would be his only friend with benefits. I would ask him that. If he said "yes" then I would probably be ok with that. He's not looking to get married or live with you or have kids anytime soon. Maybe in the future, things could move forward...who knows.
1 person likes this
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
10 Feb 12
I understand what you're saying. I guess what I'm really confused and hurt over is the way that he's labelling it. He already calls me every night to tell me "Goodnight Babe. I love you." He calls me and tells me that he's coming over to take me on a date. He has three kids and I have four, and neither of us wants any more....I can't have any more anyway. The whole conversation about our possibly being FWB's started because I point blank asked him what we were..."Just friends? More than that? Taking it slow and seeing where it goes?"....because in the past month or so, our relationship has changed. (We still haven't been physical, except for hugging, cuddling, and a few light kisses.) That's when he told me that he wants more from me...he just doesn't want a relationship with anyone. I'm just extremely confused. My ex-husband didn't even treat me as well as this guy does. (That's one of the reasons why I divorced him. LOL) But what we have sure feels like our friendship has moved into a relationship without either of us realizing it. Unless I made him take a long look at it the other day when I confronted him. (It took him a loooong time to answer me) But what you said is right. No change isn't always a bad thing. I would be perfectly happy with keeping things the way they are now (even adding the FWB part) except for the whole jealousy thing. If I give in or if I don't, the only way that we are going to be able to stay in each other's lives forever (like we have both said we want) is if we are together. Other girlfriends and boyfriends would not understand....neither would I for that matter.
1 person likes this
@bing28 (3795)
• Philippines
10 Feb 12
You lay down what you want. Is your relationship with him enough for you I mean Is it okey for you to just be consider as a friend with benefit. If he really loves you, he would go with what you want. Tell him you want him to be your husband and you as her wife. You want a commitment if he just want you to be friends then stop going to bed with him. If it's alright with you having a relationship without a commitment which is hurting of course as you said you're good enough for his bed but not in his heart. You must suggest your idea of how about being a husband and wife.
1 person likes this
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
10 Feb 12
Oh. I want a commitment (to be exclusive) but I'm faaaaar away from being ready for marriage again....if ever. And I haven't gone to bed with him yet. I'm just torn as to whether or not I will make that change.
1 person likes this
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
9 Feb 12
What I mean is, he thinks enough of me to be his best friend and confidant, and he is obviously attracted to me. But he's making me feel like I'm not enough for him to be committed to.
1 person likes this
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
10 Feb 12
I have. That's why I'm asking all of you. The only answer I received from him was "I don't want a relationship with anyone right now"
1 person likes this
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@alberello (4752)
• Italy
9 Feb 12
Dear friend, first question I ask myself, is this: He really loves you? Well in some respects the answer seems an obvious YES, but from what tell you, it would seem that perhaps among of you, there still have something to fix and especially to clarify, first of an eventual marriage.
I write this, however, is just my opinion.
2 people like this
@cyclopz (251)
• Sydney, Australia
9 Feb 12
I think i quite get the picture, the way i see it is that he doesn't want any commitment and i think it depends also on how much you know the person. A person's decision may be caused by lots of factors which one of which is his or her past experiences. Well, since you know eachother that much i would assume you also know about the things the he went through in his past because it could also be one of the factors which may have affected his decision why he doesn't want to be in a commitment.
In some or usual cases, when a guy likes a woman he usually think if he could see himself with his partner in the future and won't have a hard time thinking of entering in a commitment. There are also some people who don't like to be in a commitment so that they could fool around and there are also some who are honest enough not to let the girl expect more and would just honestly say that he doesn't want to be in a commitment with her.
1 person likes this
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
9 Feb 12
I know that in the past he was hurt very badly by his "baby-mama". And he keeps telling me that I'm the only one he has, and that he doesn't want to lose me. But he still wants us to go out and he wants us to "have fun". And I may be crazy, but when we go out, it always feels like a date to me. Sometimes he even calls it that. But regardless, he picks me up, we go out, he pays, etc. He's keeps telling me that no matter what he does in life, I will be right there by his side. I keep thinking that maybe he is, in fact, really scared of losing me. But with the way my feelings are going, he may do just that anyway.
@lekhya (819)
• India
10 Feb 12
What about your husband and his wife?
I won't think this relationship will survive for a long time. Relation without commitment is always superficial,it will lack the intensity in it.If u are serious with him(and are both are committed to each other)u can proceed in doing what u like.Otherwise,it is better to restrict it to just friendship.Males mostly prefer to stay away from commitments.They want to live happily without any restrictions in their moves.I think he is not confused,u are the one who is confused.He is clear from his side.He just don't want to get into "relationship with anyone"...means he wants freedom.At the same time he wants your love benefits.I THINK HE IS INTERESTED IN A LIVE IN RELATIONSHIP,WITHOUT COMMITMENTS AND RESPONSIBILITIES.He want your love,care,friendship and benefits like "***".I think its clear for you now.You need to decide now.Are u ready for it?I think u can enjoy only physically but not mentally after getting into this.After some time, u might want him forever in your life,while he may not be interested.Vice versa can also happen.Take some more time in understanding or discuss seriously before doing anything.All the best!
1 person likes this
@jethdale (156)
• Philippines
10 Feb 12
hmmmm. I don't understand what he is up to. but i'm very certain that he was thinking more about the benefits and not more with the relationship. A guy who truly loves a a women will never ask something like that without a commitment on hand. The one who truly loves you is a man who is willing to wait and give respect to the girl. There are things that are limited only for couples and not for friends.
1 person likes this
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
9 Feb 12
Well, it is true that he wants me in his bed. He knows that I want the same thing. But I have the same problem as you. I don't know what he's thinking. In his defense, he's really a great guy. He's never cheated on his exes and he takes care of his three daughters. He will even do anything in the world for my four kids. He's really the only father-figure they have ever known. We already basically have the relationship, just not the label.
1 person likes this
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@shylade (3132)
• Philippines
9 Feb 12
hello there! being friends is always a benefit when you will be a lover in time. but friends withe benefit is not a good idea. he is taking advantage over you when he wants you in his bed only and not in his heart. his afraid of getting in a relationship and if you agree with him, it will always be your lost. you really need to talk to him because if he loves you really he should take the risk of getting in a serious relationship. what if, accidentally you got pregnant? will he stand by you and your baby? in this situation, you will always be the loser so better think about it. sometimes, a person is better as a companion but not a lover. for the mean, try to make a space between you for you to think about it and make a better decision. you can't decide when he is always around close to you.
1 person likes this
@bubuth (1815)
• Philippines
11 Mar 12
I don't want to offend you. i will just tell to you what i think. I think he just saying that he love you because he want to get you trust and he want you to agree in what he want. I think makes sure first that he love you before you do something wrong. Just make sure that you will not feel regret in the decision that you will make. There is a possibility that he really love you and there is also possibility that he just really want you to agree in what he want.
@jellygator (76)
• United States
11 Feb 12
He isn't confused. You are.
When someone gives you mixed messages, you should probably believe the message you'd rather ignore.
I'd say dump his manipulative butt and find someone who already has their stuff together and who shows you that YOU are what they want.
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