I am at my wit's end
@Masihi (4413)
Canada
February 12, 2012 1:19am CST
I am at my wit's end with my husband's father. I'll say it up front - he's greedy, selfish, and don't think of anything but himself! And one would think his grandchildren would change his heart but noooooooooo!
Almost 11 years ago, I married my husband. His father first didn't want him to marry me, but now he loves our kids. But the problem is, he's so selfish and stingy with money and food and we're all feeling it.
It was a tradition to go down for a meal Tusedays and Sundays (before the kids were born, and just when they were infants) because of Hubby's grandmother, she always wanted Hubby down, and it was a time of fellowship with her. Father-in-law complained that we were eating all his food. So I said to Hubby just Sunday dinner and to speak to his grandmother about it. A few months later father-in-law said we were only down here for hand-outs. I put my foot down and we left the house without eating our supper.
Long story short with Hubby's brother (who has since passed away with terminal illness) father-in-law was mean and selfish and called him bones last going off that hubby's brother didn't want anything to do with his father.
When Hubby's grandmother went into the nursing home, father-in-law ransacked her room for any valuable and money. Bugger.
Back to us, we only joined them for supper once in a blue moon. He once got so scared when we pulled into the driveway that mother-in-law was going to give us HIS steak, but we said no, we have our own food, and we left.
Nowadays we been joining the in-laws (we have a good relationship with mother-in-law) for supper only when we brought our own barbeque meal, and have some for father-in-law. This past week was one such day, and I saw a big plate of thick slices of tomatoes and I started to reach for a slice and asked politely, and he said no they're for him and he won't have enough for his hamburger. That was the final straw. I don't think I can handle it anymore. I know it seems like a minor incident but 11 years of this same kind of incident over and over and over again, after sharing what we have with him, and he even ate our banana loaf as if nothing happened saying it's good, I feel like I was slapped in the face. I don't want him in my life anymore. I can't handle it any more. I'm going to blow up and say something I'll regret, this all built up and came to a head. He only laughs when we tell our feelings, so it's no good talking with him. There's only family obligation left.
I wish mother-in-law would leave but she wouldn't. I'm just mad, confused, angry, frustrated, and I don't want to expose my kids to this foolishness. Argh! :-(
2 people like this
9 responses
@urbandekay (18278)
•
12 Feb 12
Perhaps you could send him a food parcel with a covering note.
Dear....
I hope you will accept this gift of food, I have been so worried about you, who are obviously in such great need, and I hate to think of you going without.
It might just shame him into changing his attitude
all the best urban
2 people like this
@urbandekay (18278)
•
12 Feb 12
Glad you appreciated the humour. But seriously, have faith, with man something may be impossible but with God all things are possible, even to soften such a hard heart
all the best urban
2 people like this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
12 Feb 12
Hmmphf, don't think that'll work but it is a hilarious idea! Several times mother in law has approached him abouthow he hurt my feelings over the years and including the tomato incident and each time he just laughed. Seriously the man got no feelings! 
Anyway, I'll see what Hubby and mother in law says, you just never know what may shame him into becoming a normal person.
*sigh*
I don't know, this whole thing is so depressing.
Anyway, I'll see what Hubby and mother in law says, you just never know what may shame him into becoming a normal person.
*sigh*
I don't know, this whole thing is so depressing.1 person likes this
@jellygator (76)
• United States
12 Feb 12
Well, I'd probably respond differently than most people. I'd have grown weary a long time ago and done exactly the same things you did. And if I wanted a slice of tomato for once, I'd just take it and laugh it off. If he got mad, I'd say something like, "I appreciate your sharing!" (Ok, I'd say it either way.) And I'd make it a point to show that no matter how mad he got, it would not affect me.
He probably experienced some kind of deprivation in his past that has left him fearful and anxious, but that's not your problem. Since you're invited into his home, I'd behave as a family member - with give and take.
Good luck! I completely get why this would annoy the crap out of you and no, it doesn't seem like you are being petty.
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
12 Feb 12
I wish it was something simple like having come from a life of poverty but nope, he had a good life financially growing up, it's the way his mother and step-father raised him, he is an only child and was brought up selfish and it never left him. Long story there, from what I hear. And you're right, it should be give and take but it isn't. He only gives what he doesn't really want or doesn't really like or is broken or whatever, but food and money is out of the question.
Strange, because mother in law is the most generous person I've met, and we have a good relationship. I know she's angry and frustrated at her husband's behaviour, but she wants to keep peace as much as possible. If I did grab that slice of tomato he'll just order mother in law to not allow them to eat anything or do something stupid, at the very least yell and swear at her as soon as we're out the door.
Grrr....wish the dude can face us in the face!
1 person likes this
@jellygator (76)
• United States
13 Feb 12
Gah! I would end up treating him like the joke he is. It might get me banned from his house, but then he and his wife could visit me instead.
1 person likes this
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
12 Feb 12
Obviously this man doesn't want your company. In fact he is happy with his own company and stinginess. He reminds me of Scrooge. There is a deeper seated problem with this man, which I would guess is a mental illness. A neighbor of mine is the same way. We would be invited for dinner and the whole time we heard about "money", it made us feel like we were taking food away from them.
I fixed Thanksgiving dinner for us, and of course the whole dinner got criticized and the husband took the best pieces of the turkey. And then he claimed that the wings were always his. So we got a bit of meat off the drum sticks.
We finally got to the point that we would refuse any dinner invites because of their poor talk and how they would make us feel guilty. Of course the other reason is rather hilarious...I got tired of seeing movement at my side and I would look up to see the husband's false teeth "smiling" as he removed them at the dinner table. I had issues with the teeth. My boy friend told me that the man would take his teeth out at the fancy restaurant that they went to eat at on Wednesdays. He would inspect them thoroughly before he put them in his shirt pocket. I'm sure a LOT of diners would get more than a bit turned off by the sight.
As for your father in law, I would honestly find other places to be on the days that you are supposed to "eat" with them. Or bring a total meal for yourselves (make sure there is something that the father in law would drool over) and when he wants some tell him he can't have any because there wouldn't be enough for you. If he is that stingy he doesn't need for you to feed him too. It's hair of the dog type thing. But I would still find a reason not to go to their house for dinner. If your husband wants to go, then let him go and you stay home. If your children wonder why they're not going to grandpa's anymore, tell them the truth that he doesn't like to share and that in your family you were taught to share because it is much better to share with others than to keep everything for yourself. Your children shouldn't be subjected to s grasping,stingy, greedy man.
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
12 Feb 12
Well, I did tell Hubby that I ain't going down there anymore for a meal as long as he lives unless he changes his attitude. Seriously, I just don't trust myself not to say anything, and I'm not going to risk a blowup.
I'm sorry you are faced with a similar situation and I'm glad you stood up for yourself and stayed away from the grouch on your end. Seriously, we don't deserve to be treated like this at all!
We know it's a mental illness because of other things he does but what I mention was the worst of it all. I wish he'd seek treatment. For his sake and for our kids' sake...
1 person likes this
@cotruelove (1016)
• Denver, Colorado
13 Feb 12
Thanks for the discussion! I think some people are born this way, and others inherit the selfish traits. I have a daughter that has been selfish since I can remember. When her brother had a birthday, she expected a gift too. Then when her birthday came along, she wanted her gifts and of course, her brother couldn't have anything. I know I never gave into her demands. But she learned it from her father, my ex husband. He would manipulate until he got what he wanted, or you would give in to get him to shut up. The strange thing is my mother was the same way, selfish to the max. I think my mother's behavior came from the depression. But it doesn't explain my ex husband. It is still this way with my daughter, and she and I no longer talk because it is always about her and her expectations of others. She has lost friendships with several people because of it, but it doesn't seem to bother her. I know I told her I was tired of her behavior and disrespect, and that ended our talking. Such a shame since she lives within a mile of me. Her son is grown and he thinks she is nuts. I just pray for her and hope some day she sees the way she is.
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
13 Feb 12
I'm sorry you had to go through this with your family, I was raised in foster homes but we were taught to share. I was selfish for the longest time but got out of it when I hated the dirty feeling of selfishness every time I received something. That was in my early 20's. Do you have a good relationship with your grandson, though? I hope so. I guess when I calm down I can pray for him but it's like one incident after another and this was the final straw.
@cotruelove (1016)
• Denver, Colorado
14 Feb 12
My grandson is great and very unselfish. Amazing considering his mother. He and my son are going to help me this spring with cleaning up the yard since my husband is going to have to have surgery and won't be able to do it. My grandson thinks his mom is actually mad at him and taking it out on me. I told him, it doesn't matter, she is just nursing a resentment she doesn't want to deal with, and would rather be right than happy.
Masihi, I wouldn't have anything to do with your FIL, and I sure wouldn't take my children around him. Heaven forbid they learn to act to like him. I know I kept my daughter and son away from my mom as much as possible but their father still taught them too. Funny how one is so different from the other. I do know praying for them, my ex, daughter and mom, has allowed me to move on peacefully and free from resentment.
1 person likes this
@marguicha (220215)
• Chile
12 Feb 12
There´s not much left to say, after the answers you´ve got, Masihi. But I wanted you to know I´m with you. I am sure that that behaviour would make me suffer so much that I would not be able to stand it. So I would go for a short visit AFTER diner whenever you want. No need to put up with his rudeness. Eat yout barbecue meal at home and after that, go visit. 
@marguicha (220215)
• Chile
12 Feb 12
Can´t you invite her to your house as much as possible? I can understand shés lonely. And if she is a nice lady, you can have more of her than of her husband. I´m sure the kids want to see their grandma too.
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
13 Feb 12
She does come up several times a week, it has been a tradition for her to do so ever since Hubby's grandmother passed away, but now there's a metro transit strike, so she can't really do anything now, but as soon as the bus drivers go back to work she'll be up 3 times a week as normal.
We often take her on family outings on Saturdays.
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
12 Feb 12
Well, as I told Hubby I don't want to go down any more when it involves a meal. He actually agrees with me but sometimes gives in to his mother's pleading,I guess she's lonely and wants to be around the kids as much as possible, she adores the kids. She doesn't drive either, but does take the bus up to our place, but that time we were behind their house on some frozen pond and so we took our barbeque stuff down to the side of the pond, and that's when she wanted us to come inside where it's more warmer. They only lived a five minute walk from the pond.
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
12 Feb 12
I was going to say it sounds like he's mentally ill, but that's already been said. So I guess you just have to accept that what is, is. I think you are correct in not visiting at meal time. I feel sorry for the grandmother, but it sounds like if she's his mother, she is reaping what she has sown. I think I'd keep in touch with your mother in law by phone and explain you love her dearly, but don't want to have your children see her husband's example anymore.
Do you ever invite them to your house to eat? It sounds like you always go there. It would seem eating at your house would solve the problem. I guess you could eat out when you go to see them and drop in when you've finished if they can't come to your house. You have my sympathy.
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
12 Feb 12
About 250lbs which would be about 115kg, he's always been a big eater. Now he has no energy and he walks very slow, and when he's home he sleeps all the time. He's only 74 years old.
@derek_a (10874)
•
12 Feb 12
Wow.. That is quite a predicament to be in. It seems as if your father-in-law has some sort of emotional problem and probably can't help himself. But like you, I would have to stay out of the way of him, because I tend to say things as they are and often upset people. I don't like going along with lies of b***sh*t - I much prefer to get things out in the open by asking what the hell the problem is. 
_Derek
_Derek1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
12 Feb 12
You and I are the same way, Derek, I don't like BS either. But unfortunately many people won't sit down and talk things out like normal, mature adults because it's really uncomfortable for them and they don't want to look at themselves. I know what I'm talking about because I used to be that kind of person. Only when I looked hard at myself did I feel more free and able to discuss things.
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
13 Feb 12
That's what I told Hubby and he does agree with me, but he's like his mother, wanting to keep peace. But that's only coddling him, and my blood is still boiling over, and I really don't trust my big mouth because I'm just angry as hell now. He's the type of person that gets away with everything, and he doesn't learn anything either. Something's blocking his brain somehow.
@humerasadat (73)
•
12 Feb 12
sometimes we have to bear some selfish persons just because we have to keep our husband happy.everbody wants their children and their grandchildren happy.your father in law seems weird.
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
12 Feb 12
I do try to keep Hubby happy, and tried to reach out to his father but he continually slaps me away, proverbially speaking, and a person can only take so much. Right now I'm at the point where I really don't trust myself to say anything more to him because I'm literally at my wits end with the fella. Sometimes being nice with him only coddles him.
