How can I tell him to go away without offence?
By GreenMoo
@GreenMoo (11834)
March 13, 2012 10:36am CST
We have a dilemma with a chap who just won't stay away from our farm. He originally contacted us to stay with us as a volunteer, but then changed his mind and went to live locally instead. He's a nice enough chap, and we've welcomed him in the past to spend time here with the family and our other volunteers.
However, he's now here every afternoon and evening and I'm getting to the stage where just seeing him annoys me. Because we have an ever changing band of volunteers here (currently seven, from five different countries), it's probably quite amusing for him. He doesn't eat here or drink, or do anything that could be construed as wrong, but he's a constant presence. I've asked him not to show up during working hours as he's a distraction, which he pretty much sticks to, but the moment we sit down to eat our lunch he appears.
I have been astonishingly rude to him in moments of stress, and very sarcastic (oh, you again!), but it seems to be like water off a duck's back. We've suggested that he invites our volunteers to hang out at his place sometime, but he says it couldn't be appropriate (why ever not?!). Nothing I do or say seems to make any difference.
I wouldn't mind him being here occasionally, perhaps once or twice a week, but I feel like my place has become the local hang out. Noone has invited him, and he comes and goes as if he lives here. New volunteers have actually mistaken him for my son as he appears to live here and gives the impression that he knows everything about the place!
Can you give me any advice as to how to make my feelings clear to him, without hurting his feelings? Have you had to deal with someone like this before?
4 people like this
10 responses
@writersedge (22563)
• United States
13 Mar 12
Just say, "You can come to visit once a week. But every day is too much. What day shall we put you down on our calendars for?"
If you're becoming rude to him and he doesn't get it. Then not hurting his feelings may not be an option if you want him gone or limiting his contact. If that doesn't work, tell him the police will escourt him away next time and if he doesn't pick one day, then have the police escort him off and tell him to totally stay away.
Check into the stalking laws where you are.
But I will say he probably is missing his family or the family farm. He needs to make friends and your place is probably where he feels the most comfortable. For the sake of your family and volunteers, you may need to run a background check to make sure he is harmless.
He probaly figures you have people around all the time, what's the big deal? Maybe he came from a family where there were people there are the time including some of the same ones. Seems like he sees nothing wrong with it. But if that's not your style, you need to tell him that from the beginning.
Or as my husband says, "You collect strays, animals and people."
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (160665)
• United States
13 Mar 12
He sounds a bit socially inept. This might help him see how to fit appropriately. Or if you tell him you are expecting him on certain days, he may become contrary and not come at all. Background check might be good.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
13 Mar 12
You can't avoid hurting his feelings--you seem to have done everything possible to tell him diplomatically that he should not be there so often. Some people are just dense or they don't want to hear what you are saying.
You're going to have to tell him that he interferes with the running of the place and while you like seeing him occasionally, seeing him every day has become a real impediment to how the place operates. If he persists, go to the sheriff and get a restraining order or whatever you call it there. He is not invited and not welcome as often as he comes--it's your place, not his. Put your foot down and the hell with his feelings, it's your life and you deserve some choice in it!
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (160665)
• United States
13 Mar 12
Oooh, tough one as you have already tried. Maybe you should just directly ask him which days you can expect him and then tell him if that is okay or not. Then say," Good, we will only plan to see you on Wednesday and Friday, then. Our volunteers are needing to get a variety of experiences and friendships while they work here. They cannot always be depending on you." As you have indicated, he has not done anything illegal so it is harder.
2 people like this
@BarBaraPrz (47313)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
13 Mar 12
I think you have to be blunt with him and tell him not to come around again or you'll get a restraining order against him.
2 people like this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
13 Mar 12
I have...it was a friend and they didn't understand that I needed time to do my thing here at home.....always showing up when I was busy....finally I had to break with the relationship.....now the friends I have respect what I do and give me the space I need...how you are going to get rid of him is beyond me....sounds like he doesn't have his own life.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
13 Mar 12
Perhaps he's lonely? You say he lives away from you and that it wouldn't be appropriate for the volunteers to come round his place. Have you asked him why not? Have you ever seen where he lives? He could be mentally ill, in which case not even bills will get paid..he'll ignore them all.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
14 Mar 12
I think honesty is the best policy. If he gets offended by the fact that you don't like him hanging around all the time, that's his problem, not yours. You've got a routine to maintain and he throws a wrench into that when he's around all the time.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
15 Mar 12
Probably because you're worried he'll argue with you, and you won't know how to respond, and of course you want to avoid a confrontation. I think if you just say nice and calmly that you don't mind if he comes by occasionally, as long as it's not everyday, he'll probably understand and cooperate. Of course if he doesn't get defensive and start arguing, all the more reason not to have him come around.
@Orson_Kart (6776)
• United Kingdom
15 Mar 12
I think you have to be blunt here and just tell him you will call on him for his services when required.
If you are not happy to see him everyday and he isn't wise enough to realise this, then it's time to take action. People can become obsessive and this appears to be what has happened here.
P.S. Any jobs going? I can do every afternoon and evening, and mornings too if needed (or not as the case may be) 
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
14 Mar 12
It's a tough problem. I'm afraid if he has feelings, you will hurt them, but he just doesn't seem to get it. Do a background check if you can, but he may be emotionally handicapped -- unable to respond appropriately to hints the way a normal person would. I had a couple of kids in our church years back who were in special classes because of being emotionally handicapped. They did not mix well with their peers, each for different reasons. You will just have to be firm.
