cancer, fear & friendship.

sorry dear MsTickle that my answer is that late, didnt get to everything online last weekend....... I think the best thing you can do for your elderly friend and her husband is simply being there, getting her to the hospital and if allowed being there when she wakes up from the surgery. Guess that says more than words ever could.

Wow, that is a really tough one. I have been trying for three days to think of something helpful that you could talk to her about, but I have come up with nothing. Just being with her and showing your love might have to be enough. No words can replace the fact that you will be there for her. I wish you and her the very best.

am wondering why they wouldnt go on and remove the bad nodes????? They did mine all 18 of them on the right side when they took my boobs The best thing is to go in with a positive feeling. Try to get her in that mood on the trip. ANd I am sending her all the energies I can hugsssssssssssssssssssssssssssss to all of you blessingssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Hi there Ms.Tickle, What a great friend you are for this lady! There is so little you can do for her other than just be there as her friend. It's ok to let her know that you too are afraid for her health but assure her that you wil be there for her. If in fact, her cancer has spread, that will be devastating and as a friend, the most you can do is to be there and help her accept her plight. I had a friend that was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few years ago. As a friend, it was as important to her that I accept her fate as it was that she did. She actually accepted it quicker than I did once she had the diagnosis. Right now..just be there for her and hope and pray for the best along side of her.

Hi, A few things first and foremost. I always emphasize friendship in any relation. Wow and behold, what do we have here, a relation in a friendship, Hats off to all of you three really sweet human beings, take a bow dears. One thing jars a wee bit, why are we traveling for 4 hours for an operation. If we do have no alternative, then still why do we have to wait for the last moment to travel that distance especially considering all your ages, not to speak the state of your body and mind taking a strain of such a long journey. A normal journey itself on its own for an elderly person is nothing short of a health hazard. Here we have a person who is aware of her condition and so the mental balance will be something that will have to be closely monitored. A humble suggestion would be to travel a couple of days prior to the operation, reach there without anxiety, humor her and keep her calm, do not discuss any negativity, just talk of post operation plans, that brings joy to her face, as if the operation is no big deal. In short say everything to take her mind away from the operation. I know it is easier said than done, but trust me I have done it on numerous occasions, for I always believe in the theory 'It is all in the mind' Finally, she and her husband are not religious - true. However You and all we Mylotters make up 2,42,157 while I am writing this and my guess is there is democracy at God's place. and a prayer from us will not be out of place, and your friends need not be any wiser regarding that. Take care and God bless.

That is a very difficult and scary situation indeed. I do not think that there is any "right" answer to this. Many have suggested not talking about the surgery and her illness but rather acting like everything is fine and taking her mind off what is going on by talking of other things. If this seems like what she wants, then that is great. On the other hand, some people need to talk about their fears and concerns, especially as they are about to confront them. If she wants to talk about it, then let her. It is perfectly normal and natural to be frightened, so you should let her know that. Of course, you should also try to reassure her that you believe that everything will be alright, but if she truly does not think it will, then you should not downplay her fears, either, because her fears and concerns are valid. Sometimes insisting that everything will be alright when someone does not think it will, especially in a situation where there is a very real possibility that things will not be alright, can do more harm than good. It is difficult sometimes to find the right balance. You are a good friend, though, so I have confidence that you will do what is best in this situation.

Perhaps one of the three way to offer comfort from surgery fear in the following link may help. http://voices.yahoo.com/overcoming-fear-upcoming-surgery-3817424.html?cat=5

Ms Tickle, I can understand how she feels because i have had a few surgeries myself...I was once told by my surgeon that they have something to put you to sleep,they know exacially how much you need and they would never allow you to wake up during a surgery,they are on top of the situation at all times,,,also they have the same meds to wake you up after they are done,so tell her what my surgeon told me and maybe that will help her not to be so afraid.....

always go for the best outcome... "They take out the cancer and you will be fine." 84 is a good long life, and even if it has spread, it could be a while before it affects her.

Hello Ms Tickle. When I saw your post I was moved to respond. First off, I would like to say what a loving and caring friend you are. Dealing with catastrophic illness is never easy - for the one concerned or their family and friends. I think it would be helpful to pass the long drive by talking about happy times you have shared in the past. I am sure that you will be able to come up with many pleasant instances. Also, you have to give her hope. Talk about what she would like to do in the future; projects she might be working on, gardening, etc. I wish your friend well, and I hope the outcome will be positive. If you are a praying person prayer always helps at times like this.

gee thats a tough call. is there anything she particularly likes to talk about that cheers her up? does she like some kind of music you could play that cheers her up? i mean there must be something you have noticed that helps her. you may have to talk to her about the surgery some more and just keep on assuring her she will be ok.

That's a very scary feeling knowing that you only might have a short time left to live. I really don't know how I would handle the situation but I think that you are doing a good thing by being with her throughout this ordeal. I hope everything works out OK for your friend. I have the same fear about surgery, I never had any and the thought of not waking up scares me a lot. It does happen but I'm sure the odds are against it.

Hi Ms.Tickle. I hate that you and your friend are going through this. It is tough and there are no easy answers to ease the fear. I remember having the one and only surgery I have ever had and I was, at one point, looking for the exits. I told the nurse that I had changed my mind..we weren't doing surgery. She smiled and said..let me get you hooked in and give you some medicine and if you still want to leave..we'll unhook you and let you go.One shot of that medicine and they could have took a limb and I would have never known the difference or cared either way. Maybe it will help if you have your friend express her concerns. That is not going to ease you though unfortunately. In that case I would say just stay strong for your friend and try to be as positive as possible. Sounds like she needs that too. Take care and I am sending tons of well wishes.

Hi,Mstickle.Two of my closest family members had cancer too,and though they didn't have to take the operation,I could feel that they are sometimes very scared.And I do also remember the operation I had when I was a little girl,same thoughts had occured to me at that time fearing I would wake up in the middle of the op and might not be able to see my parents again.That kind of fear was bacause of the uncertainty about disease and operation.So maybe if you tell the lady more about her cancer and the details of the op,she it would be easier for her to overcome this.Also, the support from the trusted ones do have amazing effects,let her know you are always with her and let her feel your love.Last,when the patient herself is anxious,you should stay calm or at least pretend to be calm so she will know things are not that bad and can be handle.Hope this could help,and best wishes to your friend.

Just keep her busy talking about other things. Try to make her trip as stress free as possible. It will be hard, but I am sure that she would appreciate it.

Hi Ms. Tickle, you really are such a good friend. I understand how you feel, your apprehensions and anxieties are but normal for a person very close to the patient. I am sure your friend also feels what you feel maybe more of fear. I am a nurse, and i have dealt with some of cancer patients before when i am in active nursing practice. What we usually do is to reassure the patient that the doctor will do everything to make the surgery successful. All she has to do is to trust the doctor and pray to God if she is religious that the procedure will turn out well. You may also help your friend by just listening to her, express her fears and what she feels but don't give false assurance. Encourage her to talk and just listen,this will lessen her anxieties a bit. This is also a good opportunity for you to introduce your friends to God and encourage them to seek help from Him. Read the bible to her and pray,prayer can bring out miracles. Be strong for your friend and God Bless!

Dear Ms Tickle How about discussing the sights that you see when traveling or even the family back home? I would recommend not discussing anything about the illness or even the surgery or hospitals or even doctors... It can be anything else - the safest, to talk about the interests of the lady. At 84, I believe she would be feeling more lonely and talking about her own life or about her would be great for her. She would feel happy and close to you and also feel elated that she has a great friend in you... I admire you Ms Tickle for the noble work you are into

i believe that her husband is here to play a crucial role, you and her husband need to behave as positively as possible and should never make her think or talk about the illness. you people should make her feel that this is a rough time in life and will go away easily. at this time people are bound to feel nervous , panicking, but you people have make her believe in herself and have a faith in doctors. the most important thing is she should not loose hope of getting normal again, make her as much happy and tension free as you can and make her feel the same way as before the discovery of the illness.

Just being there and supporting them is often more of a comfort than saying anything. Also listening to them as they discuss their fears and hopes... Try to stay strong in yourself and be positive.