I feel like i am being looked down upon, because I am a stay at home dad.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
United States
May 28, 2012 1:52am CST
I know my family was against my decision to leave my job so I could stay home and take care of my twins while my fiance kept working to support the family, but there were a lot of reasons behind this decision. Now I'm starting to feel like my fiance is resenting me, because she is the only one working, but who is going to take care of our twins who aren't even a year old yet. My fiance and I discussed the option of me not working and she said she was okay with it, but now that money is tight I feel like she wants me to go back to work. I don't mind doing this, but I left a job where I was making over $40,000/ year so I could take care of the twins and I'll never be able to find a job like that again for years. This means I'll probably end up working a low paid job which will barely pay me enough to take care of the cost of child care. She says her family will help us out if I want to go back to work, but we can't even get her family to agree to baby sit so me and her can spend some quality time together. The other thing is I have three older boys that I never got to spend time with because I was always working, it feels great to have this time with my twins. Maybe its just me, but I think it's unfair that a father should be looked down upon, because he has decided to fill the roll as caregiver to the children.
4 people like this
20 responses
@Suebee (2013)
• Canada
28 May 12
I don't know why people look down upon a parent that decides to stay home to look after the children. I think this applies to stay at home mothers as well. I stayed home when my kids were small and did not regret it one bit. My ex-husband was in the military and I felt that my kids needed at least one parent at home, so I was it. When things got tight I took in kids to babysit for a few extra bucks. Then when my
ex-husband was off work for medical reasons, I went out to work again. When he was able to go back to work I kept my little retail job on a part time basis. I never worked unless my ex was at home to take care of the kids. I figured it was pointless to pay out such a large portion of my paycheque for childcare. I never paid a cent for childcare in my life.
We all make choices that suit our individual needs at the time. I don't know why some people think that everybody should make the same choices or that everybody should work, kids or not. If you and your fiance feel comfortable with you staying at home then that's what you should do, regardless of what anyone else says.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
28 May 12
My family doesn't really bother me, but my fiance does. I don't want her to resent me, because the fact is I love her too much to see her unhappy. I offered the chance to be a stay at home mom, but she invested in college to pursue her career and she didn't want to give it up. I hated my job, I never went to college, and I felt like I wasn't giving too much up to spend time with the kids. Maybe I'll try to find a part time job. It's frustrating because I was trying to see if I can make money with my writing, but the process takes a long time to build up a good readership, and unfortunately the $15/month I'm making isn't really helping out.
@Suebee (2013)
• Canada
28 May 12
I agree that making money online does not really help out a whole lot. I think that this is one of those things that you're gonna have to discuss and come up with a solution together. However, after discussing it and she says she's ok with it, believe her. It could be that she is feeling some stress or feeling overwhelmed with school, kids, finances, and your relationship as well. Maybe she is feeling guilty about not spending enough time with the kids. Whatever the reason, it could be a temporary thing. In any case, discuss it and trust that she is being honest about her thoughts and feelings.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
28 May 12
I think the situation with my son not progressing as fast as he should be is effecting her more, because she feels like it's her fault. I tried telling her to relax and he'll do it when he wants to, but I can see how it's stressful.
@MissPiggy (1748)
• Indonesia
29 May 12
I can understand your decision to stay home, I think that is sweet and rare. And I don't look down upon you. But I have to admit that I was shocked that you let go of a very well-paid job even for a noble decision. Now that everything goes up high, I think your previous job would help so much. Moreover that you have twins. I don't mean to make you regret your decision you made because I know that you don't but I can understand how your fiance starts to feel "exhausted". I think if you could get well-paid job, I know you would be able to get the same kind of job even if you have to start it all over. The thing is that I think you should start helping your fiance. Things will get much better once you can find the solution of how to take care of the twins. I think you already have a really good communication with your fiance, so another talk won't be so bad.
@MissPiggy (1748)
• Indonesia
29 May 12
Well, I do hope you can find the solution. I think when your twins are big enough you can find a way out. 
Meanwhile, hang on there! You're awesome! 
Meanwhile, hang on there! You're awesome! @PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
29 May 12
I'm gonna keep on pushing for my writing to work for me. I just need to be able to focus on it like I would if it was a 9-5 type of job. I admit I have been living it up with my kids, but I need to get serious about this home employment stuff.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
29 May 12
I can find a part time job, but the fact is me working full time will not help the situation. The cost of childcare for twins will probably be more than I could make working full time, and we really don't have any other options but childcare or me.
@maximax8 (31046)
• United Kingdom
29 May 12
A stay at home parent works very hard to take the care of the children. Being a parent is a 24 hours 7 days a week job. An office worker might only work 9 until 5. You gave up your job earning 40,000 a year to care for your twins. People should not look down on you became you are a stay at home father. After all many ladies are a stay at home mother. You twins are less than one year old. Looking after two is more demanding than looking after one. Childcare is expensive and relatives are not always there to baby sit. There is a recession and jobs are hard to come by. Good luck getting accepted and respected as a stay at home dad.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
29 May 12
Child care would be my biggest concern if I went back to work. I mean there are baby sitters putting kids in washers for goodness sake. Not to mention the enormous cost for twins. We have until they turn 3 before they can go to head start, and I'll bide my time until then.
@maximax8 (31046)
• United Kingdom
29 May 12
In my home country every childminder I choose is registered and very good at her job. The cost is three pounds and fifty pence per hour for my daughter. With your twins it would be double the cost. You are wise to remain a stay at home dad until they are in head start at 3 years old.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
30 May 12
What does that translate into US dollars? Trust me I've seen day cares that charge $200 per week for one child, multiply that by 2 and you have almost $20,000 per year in child care. It would be fullish of me to take a job, because I'd be working just to have my kids in child care.
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
29 May 12
Ok for one thing, you have to just ignore those that look down upon you for choosing to stay home and care for your children. It really doesn't matter which one does it...the mom or the dad but someone has to. Babysitters are very expensive. Does your fiance make more than you were making on your job? That should be the key factor in deciding who wil stay home to watch the kids.
When my girls were all small, I did daycare work to bring in some extra cash and yet still be with them while my husband worked. I also held a part time job at night so that he got time with the kids and I got a little time away from them while earning money to help us out.
Don't even think about trying to replace that great job you gave up for your kids. You are probably right...you can't. I gave up a great paying job as an insurance adjuster when I had my kids. You just do whata you have to do. Your kids are very lucky to have a father that loves and cares so much about them!
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
29 May 12
Well then it makes perfect sense for you to stay home with the kids. It is a choice between you and your fiancee and no one elses business. You mentioned that you feel she is starting to resent you for it. I think this is something you two may need to talk about. Remind her that she agreed to this.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
30 May 12
I think its just more that she wishes she could spend time with the babies. The fact is I am the most experienced at child care as well. She even admits the thought of taking care of two babies is intimidating to her. I helped raise two of my older boys, so babies aren't a real problem for me. The twins are her first children, and I think she's glad that I can help as much as I do.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
29 May 12
My fiance makes a lot more than I did, plus she still has room to grow, where I was at the highest level I could reach at my job. That was the main reason she stayed at work. I know something will work out for us, I just have to wait it out.
@jambi462 (4576)
• United States
29 May 12
I completely agree with you and not just on the being looked down upon for being a stay at home dad but for any parent to feel bad for being a stay at home parent. I hate how our reliance on money and the economy is forcing parents to both work so that children get less and less time with their parents. I think that each couple that has kids should try and have one partner that can stay at home with the kids or have days where one parent or the other can get a chance to have free time with the child.
With so many parents having too both work children are now being raised more and more by people that aren't their parents. They are getting the life lessons of people like teachers and other nonfamily members. In my opinion I don't think it is the best for children to not learn from their parents because the love of a mother or father can be the most positive learning experience one can have. Even if both partner of a relationship have to work I think that we all need to keep in mind to try and make time for family because that is what is truly important in life, not money.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
29 May 12
I think it's sad for parent to miss their children because the cost of living has increased, but employers are consistently looking for ways to cut salaries. I wish they could understand that if people have no money they can not buy the goods and services a company is selling.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
30 May 12
My family often takes trips to the park, and it feels nice to do a simple thing like that. Not everything that makes life worth living cost a fortune, but I fear one day it will, because some people have decided that profit is the only thing that matters to them.
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
29 May 12
Even mothers now a days get looked down upon where as years ago it was normal to be a stay at home mom. I cannot tell you how many times I have had people say to me why dont you get a real job! Too bad they dont know staying home is more work than any job I have ever had!!
People always judge, thats just what they do when their jealous.
If you and your fiance are happy then thats what is important.
I worked for a year while my husband stayed home with the kids. I never got angry or resentful towards him. I missed the kids like crazy though. I only got frustrated when I worked all
day and had to come home and clean all of their messes,
that annoyed me. I was stressed because of work, missing
the kids, coming home to a messy house and barely ever
seeing or spending time with my husband. My parents are
also a pain sometimes to get to watch the kids, they mostly
said they were too tired. So, that was a lot to handle each
day.
I hope you can figure out whats bothering her soon.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
29 May 12
I'm happy to be her punching bag if thats what she needs LOL.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
29 May 12
I'm sure things will get better. We had a nice talk this morning, and things seem nice now.
@ForSouls1234 (720)
• United States
29 May 12
I'm so glad to read that you talked to her. Since you didn't write that she definitely stated her views something told me you were misreading her. Men do that, they jump to conclusions. If she works as hard as you say she does and gave birth to a terrific set of twins that you love she must be a wonderful woman. Sometimes us women just get overwhelmed. I know I take a a lot of things out on my husband because well, hes's just... there.
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
30 May 12
I think I would try to find some ways to help with the money issue. Going back to work could get very costly, and probably would not even pay you to work. I hope things work out for you. I stay at home and care for out special needs son. It is not easy living off of one income.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
30 May 12
I'm definitely looking for different way to make money at home, and I've taken it upon myself to find ways for us to save money where ever we can. I just need to keep up the momentum and things will hopefully get easier.
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
29 May 12
Hi PhillyDreamer, I can see your point and think it's great that you have been able to spend this time with your twins. There is nothing at all wrong with being a stay at home dad but there will always be those who criticize and make it their business. This only concerns you and your fiance and what is best for the children. We do not have to give others power over us by letting the things they say get us upset. Discuss it with your fiance and do what you both decide is best. Blessings.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
29 May 12
We will both work together to keep this family strong, and hopefully the critics will see my actions for what they really were.
@jdyrj777 (6528)
• United States
4 Jun 12
Dont worry about what other people may say or think. You and your fiance desided what is best for your family. I have seen other couples do the very same thing. Whoever earns the bigger income goes to work. Its good that at least one parent can stay home with the kids. Lots better than having a sitter doing the child rearing.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
4 Jun 12
Yes, I watch how my babies progress, and I know they feel loved and need their dad. It makes me feel good to see their smiles everyday.
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
29 May 12
I could not find reasons as to why one should look down on you Philly.
You sacrificed a LOT for you children and that alone is admirable. You sacrifice your work and even yourself. You fiance should not even resent you for Christ's sake when in fact it is often females who should sacrifice and look after their children. She should be thankful that it is you who sacrificed and look after your kids. It shows how much you love your family. As to what other people say - just ignore it.
Before looking for a job think first on who will look after your children, maybe look for some online job first that could sustain some needs or some home business that could be done without leaving your kids.
I hope you can work things out Philly. Do not be disheartened or discourage. You are admirable.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
29 May 12
I'm still looking for other legitimate online opportunities. I'm actually thinking about starting an internet radio show, plus I'm investing some time in networking my poetry. I wish I knew a few more writing sites I could do more free lance work, but I'm skeptical about if some of these sites actually pay.
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
28 May 12
Sorry to hear about your situation.
Here in my country, husband who stays at home usually called houseband.
Well, only a few are looking down at them -maybe those judgmental ones or righteous (so called righteous-duh)
But for many families, stay home husband is much better than having a nanny to take care of kids.
Stay home husband here in our country is very common- wherein most wives are working abroad, as more women are hired for domestic job overseas having a good salary compared to husbands who works as an ordinary employee for any company.
So,this situation left no choice- but for the husband to take care of the kids instead of hiring a nanny.
It is better to have one parent to guide and take care of kids than none.
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
28 May 12
typo error
It is better to have one parent to guide and take care of kids than (none) a nanny.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
28 May 12
Yes. I think its ridiculous to pay someone to watch the children when there is a perfectly capable parent to do it. If I was a single parent I wouldn't have a choice, but there are two parents in this equation, and we are taking advantage of that fact.
@sishy7 (27167)
• Australia
28 May 12
I agree, it's unfair.
A very dear family friend of ours were in the same situation many years ago when they first had children. The mother was working full time and the father took care of the children full time. They told us that many of their friends and family looked down upon the husband. We have been good friends long before that, and their family situation has never really changed how we feel about them.
Well, we are still friends today and from what I have seen all these years they are still quite a strong family unit. Their children are respectful, and they seem to have respect for each other. They know what is best for their family; and no matter what others think or say, they continue to have love and commitment for each other to build their own family. But the important factor here is that both the father and mother must be supportive of whatever decision they'll have. Would be hard to make it work if conflicts exist between the two of them already.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
28 May 12
That's what I'd like to avoid. I'm going to have to kick it up a notch, and hopefully I can ease up some of her stress. It's just hard because there aren't a lot of options to fit the schedule we need.
1 person likes this
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
28 May 12
I guess if these things were easy, they wouldn't be worth doing. LOL. Maybe I'll write a story about a fairy godfather lol.
@billutheguy (179)
• India
28 May 12
I don't think there anything wrong with staying at home to take care of your kids , in fact I think its courageous and broad minded . Women did it in the middle ages and they still got all the respect they could and women are still doing it in a some of parts of the world.
You'll be close to your kids they'll know more about and when they grow up they'll remember you for more than just the typical dad and that's priceless .
As for the society's opinion nobody has a control on that. The world is full of several types of people some might respect a particular man that others might look down upon .
If you think its right then so will all the people that are similar to you and the opinion of people that think of it as some thing wrong shouldn't even matter.
As for me you've got nothing but respect from me, sir!
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
28 May 12
I have come to the conclusion my family will never understand. My mother and father both worked, and I grew up in the care of babysitters and day care workers. They were never there for special moments in my life, and I want it to be different with my kids. I lost out on a lot of time with my older boys, but I want to try something different while my kids are still kids.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
28 May 12
Waiting till my kids are old enough to go to school seems like my best option,in the mean time I've got to find something part time during the evening, but not so late that I lose sleep and then I'm too tired to deal with the kids. Its just I'm afraid if I take on a part time job, they will ask me to work inconvenient hours and then I'll find myself unemployed again.
@billutheguy (179)
• India
28 May 12
it doesn't seem like they'll ever understand , you could try telling them haw you were never as close with your parents as much you feel you should have been and you don't wants things to turn out to be the same when your lil' kids grow up . Although I'm guessing you've already tried that , even if you haven't I wouldn't hold much hope for that . Sometimes people set there minds about something they can be quite adamant about changing it sometimes , its because they just can't digest something so orthodox, sometimes its because they just don't like to admit they can be so wrong about something so obvious .
I don't know what is the reason in your family's case but what ever it is good luck trying to make them understand , if you're trying at all anymore.
If nothing works you could just wait , with time it may look good and everyone will just absorb everything the way it is and accept the circumstances.
@batcuie (50)
• Romania
29 May 12
Most important thing in this world is FAMILY ! people tend to forget this , standing near your family (kids) gives you feelings that money can`t buy .
Other parents struggle to have kinds , others that already have struggle to bring food on the table , well nothing is pink in this world :) I look at you with admiration , don`t feel being looked down upon ! enjoy your time with your kids , it`s precious time and quality time ! i don`t have kids for the moment ......but i can`t wait to have :)
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
29 May 12
When you do have children, spending time with them is important. Don't let the pursuit of material possessions blind you from that fact.
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
28 May 12
it is too bad that you are treated this way. any parent that sacrifices to stay home with a child is doing the child (and the world, really) a huge favor! these people, who get to spend quality and quantity time with their kids are raising healthy children into stable adults.
i was really lucky because i got to be a stay at home mom for 10 years.
do what YOU feel is best for your kids and do not worry about what others say.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
28 May 12
I can already see the benefits, because my babies are just growing so fast and progressing as they should. I could imagine what they wouldn't be learning if I left them with a babysitter.
@randylovesdar (4932)
• United States
28 May 12
I commend you for wanting to stay at home with the kids. Nowadays, you rarely see fathers who are a part of their kids lives and I love it when a father spends time with their children. I am sorry that people frown upon your decision, but that is their problem not yours. I think it is sad that you and your fiance cannot go out because nobody will babysit the kids. I would try to find things to do online to make extra money. I wish you the best of luck.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
28 May 12
I think it's messed up too, we find things to do together as a family, but how I miss the old days when it was me and her and we could go wherever we pleased.
@Cutie18f (9546)
• Philippines
28 May 12
I think that should be the parents' option to either work or hire someone to take care of the kids. Someone has to take care of the kids. If both parents are at work, who will do the work? One of the parents has to take up the responsibility and I wonder why some people do not understand that. Looking after one's own children is work in itself.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
29 May 12
It is a tough job, especially as the children get older. The work just keeps getting bigger and bigger, but I think people see it as a privilege instead of work.
@Timeout (419)
•
28 May 12
You are brave to do what you did, some people put the money over everything, you can always find a job later when your twins are grown, that is a part of their lives that wont last long, because kids grow up fast. Your fiancee should be more understanding, there's always time to look for a job later!
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
28 May 12
Don't get me wrong, I love my fiance, and she is entitled to feel a little irritated. I just need to try harder to help her out more. I think both of us are so wrapped up in the kids that we are forgetting to be a couple.
@PJMingins82 (28)
•
28 May 12
Firstly, I too am a stay at home parent. I am a mum rather than a dad so this obviously makes me a more common statistic but it shouldn't be that way.
I think it is admirable that you are prepared to stay at home with your children as there are many men who would not do this.
The main issue you need to focus on is how your fiance feels about the situation. There is no point even dwelling on what anyone else says as they are most likely motivated by envy.
Things are going to be tight financially because you will have essentially halved your household's income. That is the situation for me as well but you have to think about what is important - money or your twins having a parent looking after them.
Being a full-time parent is the hardest job in the world and anyone who looks down on you for doing it obviously does not understand the demands.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
28 May 12
I wouldn't mind it so much, but I have found out people have made it a point to criticize me behind my back then to confront me with it. They will never understand how I feel about the situation, part of me wants to be out there working, but I'm not going to let the views of other force me into a situation that I don't want. I want this time with them, I have the privilege of spending this time with them, so I'm going to spend time with them. As far as my fiance, I wish there was some way I could ease her burdens, but until she decides she wants to change jobs or she wants to stop working all together. I don't see an easy way for me to help her.
@ForSouls1234 (720)
• United States
28 May 12
You didn't say if your fiance actually said that or do you just feel she feels that way. Taking care of twins and a house is a huge job and you know that if you both were working childcare for two would eat up one salary anyway. You know yourself that when you are working you sometimes get crabby and take it out on the only ones available.
Maybe she's just stressed at work and it has nothing to do with you. My husband felt like that when he was out of work for awhile but I assured him that he deserved the break, he had been working very hard since high school. Everyone needs a break in my opinion male or female and should have the chance to enjoy their children as life is short. I'm getting offline now as it's 3am here but I seriously think you should talk to her and see what she thinks and weigh the pros and cons.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
28 May 12
She says she doesn't resent me, but I can sense the change in her mood. Maybe you are right and she is just dealing with stress, but it kills me to feel like I can't help.
