Succeeding and Failing as the Same Person
By Amber
@AmbiePam (92781)
United States
June 14, 2012 12:50pm CST
My sister is an enigma. Yesterday, I talked about how she and my BIL were in the process of adopting a foster child they are taking care of. And once again, all of you who just want me to get to the point, go ahead and tell me about the people who are great in one role (example: mother), but horrible in another (example: sister). A lot of you know how she has never lifted a hand to help my dad and me with my mother with dementia in the past 4 years when it's gotten really bad. Finally, this year my dad got her to keep my mom for five days. Now, with them adopting a child, I feel like any time where they could have helped is past.
So I thought about when I was 16 and starting college. I go to my sister's dorm room (she's 18, but also started college at 16) and ask if I can walk over to our first classes together since they were in the same building. She says no way, I don't want to be seen with you. I go to recent days when I never got an e-mail or a phone call asking how it was all going watching my parent's life fall apart. So she's never been a good sister. But she's a great friend to her friends. Whereas, she could get downright hateful with my grandparents (and I'm talking about still with my one living grandmother). And our own parents. But she's great with the little girl they are going to adopt. I wonder, how does one excel in one role, but fail so much at another?
How do you think that happens?
3 people like this
13 responses
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
14 Jun 12
it is all about priorities, obviously the baby is something she really wanted so it is a top priority for her. He family beyond that is not.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (160677)
• United States
14 Jun 12
My first answer on this is that the adoption is something she is seeking out, not something that has happened to her or she has been born into. It also may be that she views it as one way that she can strengthen her relationship with her husband. My second thought is less kind. It says that just because she is good with the little girl now does not mean she will continue to be. If something difficult comes up, or the little girl does not continue to improve in her delays, your sister may change. I hope not for the sake of the child. I just wonder how she will handle pouting or temper tantrums.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (92781)
• United States
14 Jun 12
The only problem I see in her future as a mother is being a perfectionist. My sister is an overachiever. We were both born smart, but she must have been born with some kind of insane drive, because she had to be the best at everything. I kind of just wanted everyone to be happy, and I hated competition in any way.
I think she has a great deal of patience because even though she quit teaching high school several years ago, she still gives piano lessons to little kids. She's good with them. But then you mention any delays A might have in the future. I can see that frustrating her because she never knew any kind of trouble like that personally.
It just reminds me of what my dad said when he found out that they got A. He said, "Jeff will make a good father." Nothing about my sister, just my brother-in-law. I think with Jeff as a father to A, she'll learn to be a good mother if they have any hiccups along the way.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160677)
• United States
15 Jun 12
It is good to know that she has an anchor to help her keep going the right way.
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@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
16 Jun 12
She sounds as if she's a bit of an attention seeker. How old is the child she's adopting? If it's an infant, then she'll get the attention she's craving via the baby. How long has she been married? She should be receiving attention from her husband, not adopting a foster child and having people praise her for 'doing the right thing'. I feel for the child.
@AmbiePam (92781)
• United States
19 Jun 12
She's been married almost six years. They have been trying to conceive since they got married. The baby turns one next month. She does crave attention, no doubt. But she'll love the baby. She'll treasure it. I just hope maybe this will make her a little nicer to her husband. Maybe in learning to be a patient mom she'll be a patient wife? Nonetheless, her husband is amazing. He was born to be a father.
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
15 Jun 12
She just got the little girl, right? If I'm right on that, the newness is still there so once that wears off and the baby starts walking and getting into things, THAT'S the true test for your sister. I really hope she does it with flying colors for the child needs a nurturing and loving mother not an impatient hateful one. So it all remains to be seen in how she'll do but I certainly hope she does well!
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (92781)
• United States
14 Jun 12
But I'm not talking about gifts, I'm talking about being a good sister, daughter, all roles we play as people. I am so not good at so many things, but one thing I can be assured is that I was a good sister, granddaughter, friend, and although I don't feel like I'm a great daughter, I think I do okay at that. My sister has excelled in everything she does and I am so proud of her. But I'd rather be at peace with myself in how I treat people than the degrees and certificates I have on my wall. I think my dad feels partly responsible for how she is. He thinks she takes after him, and as she got older he started to see some of the mean she showed to me and her grandparents. I told him just because their sense of humor is similar doesn't mean he made her that way.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (92781)
• United States
14 Jun 12
But I don't think it requires a gift to NOT call my mom dumb. I mean my mom has dementia. I don't have to have a gift to treat her with respect. Whereas my sister thought nothing of calling her dumb right to her face, and being okay with it because she figured my mom wouldn't remember it anyway. I think priorities, which other people have mentioned, are a good explanation. If something is important to you, you give it more effort. That makes sense to me.
@catdla1 (6005)
• United States
14 Jun 12
The ability or desire to get along with others is a gift. Doesn't matter if it's as a sibling, parent, child, extended family, friend or stranger. Not all people are capable at being all things to all people. All of us are flawed, all of us are subject to the flaws of others. To learn and grow is our purpose here on earth...otherwise we'd all be angels right now.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
15 Jun 12
It does happen and I'm sure my sister feels the same way about me. I know how it looks and seems to the others around me but sometimes I can't really explain or justify the things I do....to family. I have my own reasons for doing what I do...which might seem insensitive to the person at the receiving end or the person watching what's happening.
I can't speak for your family but I can speak for myself.Sometimes I am torn between doing what is right for the family I married into and my own parents and sister.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
21 Jun 12
That is a good question...my oldest sister is a wonderful person...but over and over again she gets herself into trouble with money...she has always had a great income...but as a money manager she never learns...I just saw her the other day and once again she says.....I am in financial dire straights! We must all have flaws that show up in different roles in our lives....I do think that birth order has something to do with fail/succeed. My parents always threw her a lifeline....now there is no one to help her out! She never learned from past mistakes.
1 person likes this
@yoyo1198 (3641)
• United States
15 Jun 12
Well, perhaps she inherited a selfish gene from up the line somewhere. As she's gotten older, it seems to be lightening up? I know as I've aged, I've learned to mellow out a bit year by year. Sometimes I look back at my younger self and wonder how I could have been so intense about some things. Now, for the most part, I don't carry all of that old stuff and other people don't bother me anywhere as close to 'as much'.
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
24 Jun 12
I think there are some things people are really good at and then others..not so much. It may be a matter of dedication too. I know that we have to really want to be good at some things if we want to be. She may have also grown in certain areas and this baby may help her to grow more. I had another thought too. Sometimes people that are comfortable with certain relationships don't see the need to nurture them because they think that everything is ok there...that they don't need to pay attention to that area. Maybe that was kind of a mindset for her before. I love my sister and family and never have to worry about them not being there for me...so she turns her attention on relationships she worries about.
1 person likes this
@macdingolinger (10386)
• United States
14 Jun 12
It comes down to what one wants to do. She obviously doesn't want to help with your mom...which is very sad.But maybe she feels like some sort of hero for helping some little child. That's kinda crazy but I see it on a different level all the time. I moved to Oklahoma so family could help me with my injured son.. but still have to pay an aide to sit with him when I want to go out because everyone is too busy... funny how things look from the inside!
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
19 Jun 12
hi dear Ambie you really got me thinking with this discussion.
I think it has to do with the many roles we fill out during our lifetime, e.g. sister, friend, daughter, wife, counselor, case worker.....
I also find myself succeeding in some areas and failing in others. Like, I think I try my best to be a good friend to my friends may they be on or off line, I am a better online friend right now than offline friend as its easier to just write an e mail than to sit down and take pen and paper and write an old fashioned snail mail letter.
But due to my mother having been a perfectionist I never was the daughter she wanted and dreamed of, you know the kind which will scrub nooks and crannies with a toothbrush, excel at spotting and getting rid of every speck of dirt in the house at all times, be overly orderly with her stuff and taking pride of being a great housewife. That never was my world and never will be my world either.
I will not start the scrubbing marathon once I am retired but I will rather try my best to keep contact with the friends who then will still be there.
So you could also say I failed as a daughter as I didnt make my mothers dreams come true and we didnt share the same values.
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