His mom kind of upset me yesterday
By courtknee525
@courtknee525 (3742)
United States
July 23, 2012 8:47am CST
So I was hanging out with my boyfriend's mom yesterday and it just so happened he was able to call from boot camp while I was with her. I had him on speaker and then his mom ended up taking the phone and asking him all these questions. My boyfriend was talking about how he'll probably get asked to go airborne (jumping out of planes etc). He talked about it before he even left and I didn't like the idea because I thought if he had all these qualifications, then he'd get assigned more dangerous tasks or bases.
Well he told his mom how I didn't want him to do it and she goes on this whole thing about how he does what he wants and nobody should influence him. I talked to her on the phone later that night and that's when I got really upset. She was saying how I either support him in everything or I'm not "with" him as far as support and emotionally. Well I'm sorry that I'd rather him not do all these dangerous things. I just want him to get his time in the army over with and I'd like him to do it as safely as possible.
We were also talking about if he stayed in longer than 3 years and how I didn't really want to be with someone in the army long-term like that. She kept going on about how maybe our lives are taking us on different paths and we're not meant to be. I love my boyfriend and I really do want to be with him and I know he plans on asking me to marr him soon, but I just don't want to have my life revolve around the army for the next 20 or so years. I don't see myself in that situation. Originally my boyfriend just wanted to do the 3 years and then become a police officer but he always said if we got married then he'd stay in the army longer. To me, that seems like a sucky trade-off and I'd rather wait to get married if it meant he'd get out of the army.
I was in tears last night because of what she was saying. I don't think it's fair that she was basically saying that I have to make all these sacrifices and stuff like that. With a committed relationship it should be a compromise and he should make some sacrifices too like maybe not doing airborne or staying in so long because that's not what the plan was. His mom made it seem like it was all on me and that I either fully support everything he does or I'm basically not with him. If he wants this relationship as much as he says, then he should be able to give up a few things as well. I just couldn't believe what his mom was telling me and it was making me start to believe that things couldn't work out with my boyfriend and I. I felt horrible knowing that and I was crying my eyes out, she really made things worse.
After that, I texted my really good friend who's boyfriend is also in the army. She called right away and immediately understood the situation and said she also had a similar one when her bf said he wanted to stay in longer. He's since changed his mind but hearing her talk to me and her advice was really comforting. She didn't sugarcoat things but she also put things in a different way and it didn't seem as bad as what his mom was telling me. I think I'll feel better once I fly out to see my boyfriend this week graduate from army basic training. It's just hard to feel this way and not be able to talk to him about it or know what his plans are. I think a lot of it is just stress from being apart and the whole army thing. Hopefully I'll get a better idea of what my boyfriend wants when I go visit him.
5 responses
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
23 Jul 12
I am of two minds on this one. First if your boyfriend sincerely loves you, he should make some sacrifices to be with you as well, and do his best to make sure he comes back home in one piece.
The second thought is, there aren't many things that can stand in between a man and his dreams. The man you fell in love with is the man who wants to fulfill his destiny, and if he believes his destiny is to go as far as he can in the military then you may have to think long and hard if he really is the man for you.
His mother shouldn't have made you feel so bad. You are entitled to feel the way you do, just as her son is entitled to pursue his goals if he chooses to. Mothers will always defend there sons blindly so don't take it to heart too much. Understand that she probably loves your boyfriend as much as you do if not more, and every fear you have, she has too. She just doesn't want her sons judgement clouded on important decisions he needs to make for his life.
I hope everything work out for the best, just try to stay positive and let the cards fall where they may.
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
23 Jul 12
Thank you :) When I see him later this week I think I'll feel a lot better about things. It was just hard hearing him say that and then having the phone call end and I couldn't really talk to him about it. I'll feel much more at ease once I can talk to him and find out his plans for us and everything else. What really got me upset was how his mom talked to me. I was totally shocked and it just made me cry even more.
@PhillyDreamer (3039)
• United States
23 Jul 12
Mothers will be mothers, you will understand when you have your own children. I think you guys will be alright. He's just in the honeymoon phase of his military career, so naturally the sky is the limit for him, but once he has his fill, he will start thinking about home and settling down.
@steelers12 (153)
• United States
24 Jul 12
Wow, multiple things to think of and to deal with. First of all you will have to understand that mothers will try to protect their children, even smother them, and if you do plan on marrying this guy the then mother-in-law will be there. As hard as it might seem at the time all you can do with the mother is take her words with a grain of salt and treat her with kindness. Even if this might seem hard to do it is the best way to deal with her, yes you could say something to her about how she makes you feel but do it in a kind way. Do not attack her for all she will do is resent you and make things worse.
As for your boyfriends thoughts, or plans, for his military career there will have to be an open minded discussion with him and you. There might be a middle ground to be taken in this course, but as a former military person I do understand both sides.
I never wanted to date or marry anyone while serving as the military life is not for everyone or family lives. Yes it is able to dealt with and there are pluses also to be in the military as the retirement option is there as he will be able to provide medical insurance and a steady income for his family. As the economy is not that sound might be one issue he is taking into account and this could lead to his thinking of staying in longer than at first planned.
Take some time and talk to him and remember no matter what job or career path he take there will always be a risk of injury. People do not take into account that one could be injured or killed just going to the store, yet they always look at the dangers of their jobs.
Do not give up on him and let the talks be productive ones and not ones of making each other feel guilty or pressured to do what they do not want to, yet come to a sense of compromise and honesty. Do not be closed minded and let things not bother you so much, and yes that is a hard thing to do but can be done.
Good Luck!
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
25 Jul 12
Thank you :) i'm just trying to not let what his mom said get to me. One of my really good friends who's bf is also in the army talked to me afterwards and I started to calm down about everything and realize that things might not be so bad. I think all the stress of not being able to talk to him these past few months has really gotten to me and I'm just ready to see him again.
When I do see him I'll probably mention something about the subject to him but it won't be a fight, it'll be just me being curious and wanting to know where things stand as well as where we stand. Hopefully all goes well
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
23 Jul 12
Being a police officer can also be very dangerous work. You are with a man you will be worried about until the day he retires, whether he is in the military or with the police.
Your boyfriend's mother was a bit harsh in the way she phrased things. However, she just doesn't want to see her son not pursue his dreams. She did what many a mother would do--try to warn off the girlfriend who doesn't seem like she is going to be able to handle what is to come.
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
23 Jul 12
I definitely wasn't expecting to hear her talk like that to me and that's what made it all worse for me. I think I can handle what's coming, but I would really like to know if does plan on staying in longer. Before, it was just the 3 years and then he'd get out. So after hearing that yesterday and then not being able to talk about it with him really upset me because I really don't know anything. When I see him I just really want to talk to him about where he sees things with us going and what he plans to do.
@bounce58 (17385)
• Canada
23 Jul 12
I'm sure it's just all the stress that you're going through that's making you feel this way. Even though his mom may had a point (about letting him decide for himself), I don't agree with her in making you feel terrible. She should have been sensitive to what you're going through already.
Anyway, I hope that your meet up will make you feel better.
And feelings and stress aside, I do hope that you do let him decide (or make it look as if he decided for himself to not go through with these qualifications). So that when you do grow old together, he wouldn't feel as if he missed out.
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
23 Jul 12
Yeah, I think the stress I've had lately definitely got me all worked up. My boyfriend only said he'd stay in the army longer if we were married but he also told me a few weeks ago that he wasn't going to do airborne.
I was kind of taken back by what his mom said to me. It was completely unlike her because I know she really likes me and she likes me with her son. I know we have to be supportive but I don't really believe we should just blindly support him and be all gung-ho about everything he talks about doing. He almost needs someone to kind of have him sit back and remind him of what his decisions would result in, etc. For some reason I feel like that person is me. I don't want to hold him back but I also don't want him doing airborne. I'm not going to just be all supportive when I think he's making quick decisions without thinking everything through. His mom told me that she wants next week to be happy with him and doesn't want me pouting or being upset. I'm not going to be upset at all, I've been waiting all summer for this. But, I will talk to my boyfriend about a few upcoming decisions and what his plans for things are. I really don't think it was appropriate for her to tell me not to talk to him about it. We're probably going to end up married someday and I think it's something I should talk to him about. It won't be an argument, but I will talk to him about how I feel and that I would like to know what his plans for us in the future are and where he sees things heading.
@riyauro (6421)
• India
23 Jul 12
wow, it was a long story.lol. all i want to say to you Courtknee that it is just the start and you have a long way to go with your boyfriend. Don't get upset with what his mother is saying. Once you get married and you can do whatever he want's. being in the army is not that bad but i understand your concern though. Just relax for now and go for the graduation and talk your heart out with your boyfriend, you will feel better. have a good day
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
23 Jul 12
Thank you, I'm sure things will be better once I'm able to really talk to him and get a better idea of things and what he wants to do and what he plans on doing about us. All the stress just really gets to me sometimes and his mom didn't make it much better by saying those things because I really do believe that we're meant to be together. It's just really hard going through all of this.
