The dreaded "Baby Mama". What do you do?
@MsControversy (446)
United States
August 25, 2012 8:46am CST
My husband has what people refer to nowadays as a "baby mama" and she is honestly the most difficult, hard headed, unreasonable person that I've ever had to deal with. They have two children together, but they were never married. They had what, I guess what you would refer to as a relationship for a few years. She never has anything good to say about him, even though he takes care of the kids. He gets them every Friday night to Sunday night, pays child support and gives her mother extra money when she needs it. When it comes to school supplies, clothes, shoes, birthdays, etc, my husband and I are always the ones footing the bill for everything. Their mother does not work and always has an excuse to why she can't, even though she a very able bodied, young woman. When it's time to get them, we pick them up and drop them off. Their mother never offers to make the drive. (They live almost an hour away). My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. In the beginning, the "baby mama" and I got along and were civil to each other. I didn't really ever talk to her, other than Hi and Bye. When I got pregnant with my daughter is when things changed. And then, when we got married, she became really bitter. She says she hates him and that she is emotionally scarred because of him, she has written me lengthy e-mails telling me about all the things that he never did for her, that he didn't care enough for her to marry her, even though he "knocked her up" twice. To my knowledge, they were engaged but she cheated on him so he left her. I, personally, do not care about what when on during the course of their relationship and who was right or wrong. That was years ago. All I know is that he is a wonderful husband and father. When things are going good in her life, all is well and fine. But the minute that she doesn't get her way or if he doesn't jump when she says, she immediately uses the kids as ammo. Always saying, that he's not going to see them, that she's going to go for more child support, etc etc etc. It's getting to the point that me trying to be nice to her isn't going to fly anymore. He never sits and bashes her in front of the kids, but they tell us the things that she says about us. She goes on rants about how messed up her life is because she has the kids all the time and no one to help her. She really just isn't the greatest mom ever and I believe the kids are suffering for it. We tried to get custody of them, but were only awarded temporary custody for six months. At the end of the six months, she had a job and lived in better conditions and the kids were returned to her. Within two weeks, she quit her job and went right back to her old ways. Once again, we are starting proceedings to try to get full custody, but she is fighting tooth and nail. She complains about the kids all the time and I believe the only reason she fights us so hard is too be spiteful to him. She is really starting to get under my skin and I don't know what to do about it. I'm not the type of person who puts up with too much flack from someone before I really put them in their place. But for the kids' sake, I try to just ignore her. But she pushes and pushes. If she can't get to him, she comes at me. She'll start arguments for no reason. For instance, this past Sunday was my daughter's birthday and we took all the kids to Chuck E. Cheese. She was informed that they would come home a little later than normal. Usually we drop them off around 4. At 5 pm, we were getting ready to get on the road and she texted me and said that if her kids weren't home in 30 minutes that she was going to report them missing. She's ridiculous. I don't know what to do about her. My husband says just ignore her and to save every e-mail, text message and voice mail and to let her hang herself in court. But I have about chewed my tongue off trying not to say anything back to her and fuel the fire. At what point to you just throw caution into the wind and lose your temper? I can't keep holding my tongue because there are so many things that I want to say to that woman. I want to grab her shoulders and shake some sense into her. I want to scream at her until I'm blue in the face and really give her a reality check, though it probably wouldn't even make a difference. Should I just keep letting her do the things that she does? It's impossible to sit down and try to talk to her rationally. I don't even think that ration is in her vocabulary. What should I do?
2 people like this
9 responses
@adforme (2114)
•
25 Aug 12
If your husband has responsibilities to the children of his ex, he needs to honor them. There may be some animosity due to the fact that the husband that married you probably left the "baby mama" feeling disappointed by the fact that she is one of multiple baby mamas, but without the commitment. She is left to wonder why and be more responsible for the children while helping them deal with that. A man will choose who he chooses to marry and have children with. But, if the ex wanted the ring after so much time and effort with multiple children involved, there may be drama. By the way, consider getting professional help in solvong this. As you can see mylotters are probably not going to touch this one. It is too personal.
@adforme (2114)
•
25 Aug 12
Here is the deal. Once upon a time, they were probably contributing to their responsibilities together. Now they are not. Single motherhood is not always easy. If this woman was not the one, it took two kids to find out. Hopefully, she can get over any hard feelings and learn to get back on her feet.
@WumpyPPancakes (117)
• United States
26 Aug 12
I don't know what's like to be a single mother or let alone a mother. But I did have a single mother on welfare who had low self-esteem. Of course, my mom didn't do anything spiteful like causing drama with my father or my sister's father, etc., but she did get entangle in some of the worse situations possible...
Bottom line is not having sense of self-pride and collecting government assistance can teach your kids two things: One, not to live that kind of life or Two, do exactly what your mom did. I can tell you...I was the kid that took the road traveled on...attending college, getting degrees, etc. while my sister made similar decisions like my mom...had kids at the age of 21. My sister has no high school diploma and college degree that I know of. I will say that my mom did graduate from high school.
I am glad that that your stepkids have positive role models, and that your husband takes care of them. He has a responsibility to his kids which he does have a responsibility to the baby mama because they share those kids. BUT that's pretty much it. If it was me, first I wouldn't be on Welfare. Second, I wouldn't be thinking about someone who doesn't want me. Bottom line, the ideal situation would be for her to quit being petty and do better. She doesn't have to make these decisions and be this person that you guys are seeing before you. Rise above and be respectable!
@MsControversy (446)
• United States
25 Aug 12
He does honor his responsibilities and she is NOT more responsible for the children. She doesn't do anything. She sits at home and collects welfare and child support. She lives in section 8 housing. She works the system and uses these kids as an excuse to be lazy. All the free money that she gets per month and she STILL needs us to buy clothes and shoes for the kids. She barely pays her rent, she gets energy assistance, the whole nine. There's no reason for all that. I don't know if you read my whole post or not, but we took custody from her for six months. She lives on welfare, she doesn't work, and she doesn't help them with anything. She is NOT a good mom. All she does is complain about them all the time and the only time she even acts like she cares in an effort to spite him.....And professional help is out of the question, once again, there is no such thing as speaking with this woman rationally. She's a nut!
@WumpyPPancakes (117)
• United States
25 Aug 12
Wow, MsControvery, you are a GOOD ONE.
I admire you for being graceful and classy. Apparently, the "baby mama" hasn't matured and sadly, she may never. Even though you don't have ANY obligations to her, it's apparent her children are your obligation because you really care about them. Using kids as weapons pisses me off. Kids should not be used to further your self-pity cause. Obviously, she's jealous of you because your husband built a family with you instead of her as you expressed. If she mature enough and not bitter, she would realize that her and your husband wasn't a fit. If they were, she wouldn't have cheated on, and she would have what you had.
However, it's in the past. Hanging on to bitter feelings about not having the same life as you...is wasting away her life. If I were, I wouldn't every say anything to her because she's the one who is causing herself unhappiness. It's her choice to be spiteful and unreasonable because she is letting her jealous feelings get the best of her. Sooner or later, if she doesn't lose full custody of her children, she will lose their respect. They will also drift apart. Kids know who is there for them and who isn't.
You keep your head about you and keep doing you. Don't let this woman suck the energy from you. When she starts acting devious, remind yourself: I have honorable character that carries me through. Apparently, she doesn't love herself or view herself to have the same honor as you.
@WumpyPPancakes (117)
• United States
26 Aug 12
From my experiences, I find that getting confrontational with individuals who are as such is a energy buster. It appears that she's not going to change; if she was, she would have already done so. I guess when bitterness and immaturity get in the way, you can't see how it will affect others--especially kids. Besides that, I wouldn't want to look like the incompentent parents. Years from now, if she doesn't get her act together now, her children may not want to be around her. There is so much a kid can take from a parent who is acting imbalance. Thank goodness you and your husband are there for them.
I am sure she's not an evil troll, but I am guessing she does a lot of negative behaviors. I tell you what...people don't want to be around negativity and drama. Maybe she will let go of all her energy by getting some help or just realizing that it's not worth making everyone miserable.
@MsControversy (446)
• United States
26 Aug 12
You're exactly right, she's not an evil troll but she is so dramatic. If she's not happy with her life or if one of her many boyfriends is acting up and she's miserable, she makes everyone else miserable with her. Misery loves company, I guess! =)
@MsControversy (446)
• United States
25 Aug 12
Thank you so much. It makes me feel good to have someone tell me that I'm doing something right. I always felt like a coward or like I was copping out with her to just let her keep on like that. I guess the old saying it true, Kill them with kindness! =)
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
25 Aug 12
Of course, you know her motive. She wants your husband to leave you, get a divorce, not take care of your children, and go and live with her. I doubt that she wants marriage, because she would have asked before and if your husband felt she was not the type of girl he should marry, he woud have left, no doubt when they had only ne child together and all he would have to do is take care of the child and pay child support.
Obviously she had no intention of going to work because of what you told us, that she quit the job as soon as custody was returned to her and I doubt she is interested in working at home - babysitting, housecleaning, or whatever. So I would suggest you keep all the information about what she is doing, and then keep trying to get custody of the children. I do not believe that every woman who gives birth is a good mother - there is sin in this world - but she will soon slip up, and if she is not ordered or warched, may do somethng stupid.
@MsControversy (446)
• United States
25 Aug 12
She's definitely not "wife" material. The two kids are only 12 and a half months apart in age, so she got pregnant with the younger right off and two months after he was born, she cheated on him and he left her. So she really has no one to be mad at but herself. I've thought before that she is still in love with him, but really? It's been 6 years. Maybe she is still holding on or maybe she has something against me because I was the first and only one after her. I don't know. All I know is that she's crazy and she's making me crazy in the process. Lol
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
27 Aug 12
But she does probably want him to leave you and live with her even if she is not wife material. I have seen the same thing on Maury, a husband had an affair with a girl before he married or met his wife, and he realizes that the girl is a tr*mp. He finds out she has a baby but she is letting her parents take care of it, or she is running around and cheating - not wife material. Yet she expects him to leave his wife and live with her and he knows that she will keep on cheating and living off the American taxpayer. You could try legal help. If he has to see the children and for that I would agree on, because no child should go without a father, maybe dropping off the children at your place for the visits or perhaps if she has parents he could visit at their place rather then run into her. Who knows she might be declared an unfit mother and if he wants he could try for permanent custody. One can only hope.
@MsControversy (446)
• United States
27 Aug 12
We have a visitation order in place and we get them every Friday to Sunday. We call when we're outside and she sends the kids out, so we don't have to visit them anywhere, we already have that order in place, so they come to our house as it is. And we are already trying for full custody. We got temporary custody before, but this time around we have a lot more stuff to use against her.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
26 Aug 12
How hard it may sound: you should not do anything. This is NOT of your business. This is a part of the life of your husband and it sounds to me he did never deal with it in a proper way. To you it may sound as if he is a great guy.. and your husband is if it comes to you and to his kids now. But you were not there at the time she was pregnant of him.
You can't say anything about how he was.
Imagine how you might have felt if it was you.. pregnant of him, no future.. I don't think he was such a great guy.. he might became a better person after these experiences.
He has to deal with it so has she. I think she never did and is still seeing/knowing him as the kind of person he was at that time. You won't be able to use that so easily. It's something the two of them have to do.
So yes.. let them both do what they want so the moment will come they both will deal with this past, the hurt together and be able to end it and make a new start. Not together but with their own life. By calling her rediculious etc you are not doing what is the best for the kids or yourself.
It's also not your job to talk to her. This is the mess your husband made and left.. he has to end it.
@WumpyPPancakes (117)
• United States
26 Aug 12
Whew wee...preach it, Sister!
I tell you what...I've met women like this. Dramatic as hell...and are envious of the other women for their screw ups. She's a scorned woman who is very, very spiteful. Any individual that uses his/her kids to stick up to adults...and don't even pay attention to their kids and not provide for them, I have no respect for. Instead of wanting a man to take care of her, she needs to learn how to take care of herself. She reminds me a little of my mom except my mom was NOT spiteful. She let me dad and other other guys that she got involved with...she let them go if they had no interest in her. And my mom did provide for us. We did have food on the table and right size clothes on our back...my mom wasn't perfect, but man, she wasn't spiteful! Whew wee....I feel for your stepkids! I am going to say it again, I am glad that they have you and your husband!
Another point I want to add...when someone marries someone who has children and was with someone else, they do have to deal with them. It's unavoidable. This reminds me of Elizabeth Edwards interview with Oprah Winfrey a couple of years ago. Oprah asked her questions about John Edward's daughter with Rielle Hunter...and basically, Elizabeth Edwards in sort of a denial because she said that if the child was his, she has nothing to do with it. However, if you stay with someone who has an affair, if you marry someone who already has children and those children have a mom, you can't just say...I am not going to have nothing to do with it. As long as that individual is married to you, not only the kids will be in your life, the parents of those kids will be to. So, in that sense, you are already in the business. To me, it's unavoidable.
@HomeBase (1153)
• United States
26 Aug 12
Whew!! I had to take a deep breath after all of that! Bottom line, she is JEALOUS because he married YOU and not HER, that's all that is. If she was in a good relationship herself she would not even be trippin' off of you and your husband, but obviously, even if she IS in a relationship (which I seriously doubt because this sounds like someone with a LOT of time on her hands), she is unhappy.
You have heard the saying "Misery loves company?"
She was semi-ok to you until she found out you were becoming the real deal to that man and not just some passing thing. She is miserable and wants to make YOU suffer too, and it seems like her plan is working and working WELL.
I would pray about it (if you are INTO prayer), but I also think at some point (probably sooner than later) you are going to have to let her know that you are not the one for all that nonsense.
@MsControversy (446)
• United States
26 Aug 12
That's exactly what I'm thinking at this point. I'm tired of being nice all the time. It takes a lot for me to get to that point, but when I go there, there's no coming back. I can play the game just as good as she can, but I don't like to "dumb" myself down to people like her's level. But chances are I'm going to have to go there. When I was younger, I was a "wild child". I'm 28 now and it took for me to become a mother (my oldest is 8) to calm myself down. But I know that it's still in me if need be. I don't want her to be the one to awaken the beast because chances are, it'll come out swinging and I don't want to go there and I certainly don't want my kids to see me act like that. But if I HAVE to act ignorant to get someone to see that with me if you mess with the bull, you WILL get the horns, then that's what I guess I'll have to do. I've noticed since I put all the loud-talk and drama behind me, people seem to take my kindness for weakness. But I promise, I'm not the one!! Lol =)
@Shavkat (139401)
• Philippines
26 Aug 12
There are times that a "mama's boy" needs to grow up. But if your hubby allows that kind of set up, the in-laws will always interfere. Try to have open communications in the family circle, I am sure there will a compromise solutions to happen.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
15 Nov 12
Well, it's been 3 months. I agree with your husband. let her hang herself. I can only imagine how hard it is to bite your toungue but do it and save every text and every voice message and write notes of dates/times of conversations. It will all count in court if it comes to that. She sounds like a very bitter woman that is angry at seeing you get treated better than she did. Did she deserve better treatment? Who knows...maybe she did and maybe not...like you said...it doesn't matter. Maybe they just simply were not compatable. I would do all I could to ignore her and let her hang herself as your husband said to.
@silverfox09 (4708)
• United States
15 Sep 12
Well she is hurt and bitter , and she will take it out on you . She have to see you and talk to you because you are with a man she once love so she will be bitter to you . You just have to be strong for your family , just sorry for her kids having to deal with that kinda situation .
I never like to see children in the middle of a feud . That woman need council and she should get herself some support so she can get better and move on . They break up for whatever reason , she need to realize its not the end of the world.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
26 Aug 12
You know what I honestly think that she is trying to do is to damage the relationship that you have with your husband. In other words, she is trying to do what she can so that she will be able to get him back. There are so many women in the world that are like this. One of my close friends has been dealing with "baby mama drama" since his ex found out that she was expecting (he isn't even sure that the baby is his). She has been stringing him along and doing nothing but damaging any chance of happiness that he has in his life.
I think that the best thing that you can do is to let your husband alone deal with her.
@MsControversy (446)
• United States
26 Aug 12
I used to until she decided that irritating him wasn't enough. Now she goes in on both of us. =/
