I give up on my grandmother.

She went to her chosen doctor alright. Her "family" doctor, actually. And she was referred to another specialist. Thus, the operation is the solution that they had come up for her problem. I have no problems with that (well, maybe I do) but the point is, undergoing operation may mean saying goodbye to her for good or surviving but still experience the "suffering" she's currently feeling right now. This is one of the reasons why we thought of doing something else instead of deciding right away. She was afraid and we don't have the financial money for her "operation procedure" are just some of the reasons too. Maybe you're right. Maybe we, me and the rest of my family who disapproves of the operation, just need to get down our high horses. But it also means we must be ready to let go of my grandma. And yes, maybe I need to see it from an old person's view point--particularly that of my grandma. And my grandma is self-pitying. Let me start there: "Oh, what poor spirit!". She's so devoted to her prayers, she does not believe that anything less than a medical graduate and degree holder doctor can actually treat her pain. But news flash, doctors are just humans and are not gods. Tell you what, my grandma's "illness" is still curable by non-operation. She just wants to undergo the operation--just as she underwent cesarean when she could have just a normal delivery on all her sons. She trusts modern medicine too much because she wants things convenient as most humans in this generation are. She wants things fast--as fast as a push of a button. She wants the same thing for her health. That's her stubbornness going when she refused natural treatment--and self-pity... So, I'm giving up. I don't want to blame anyone that's why I'm giving up. I leave it to God to determine her fate--well, after she raised the necessary funds for her treatment. We can't afford the operation she wants to undergo. We can barely afford going to school and eating 3 times a day so raising money for her operation is another burden we'll all have to deal with over here.

Ofcourse you don't want to let go of your grandmother. But what about her comfort and what is best for her. If it is her time then there isn't much you can do and she is going to better place where she can be comfortable and happy. And when a person is sick they make act in a lot of different ways especially if they know this is serious and could mean the end. I would try to be supportive but firm as to what she needs medically.

Comfort does become a priority but, quality of life is a priority too. You can have dementia and Alzheimer's and who knows what else and BE COMFORTABLE. But if the quality of life is not there then why bother? If she isn't up for the treatment and doesn't want it then what can you do? It's her life! Nothing much you can do but make her comfort or what she will let you do.

We already know what her doctors say. But it doesn't mean that it's the only option that's why we tried other things. Sadly, it didn't work because she'll have no less than a medical doctor to treat her. You have no idea how stressful she is right now to us. And I know her point of view. Hell, you can say I know the point of view of someone who's going to die. Suffering maddening pain and slowly dying--being eaten by one's own illness. But the difference in my point of view is that I was dying and she's not right now. And I don't self-pity. She does. We also know the percentage of her survival. It's very slim. Right now, she needs tough love and a lot of scolding. Support, maybe only the moral and spiritual. We can't seem to afford the financial support. And yeah, she's scared. She said that she was afraid. But it seems she's not scared enough to not take the operation. Her decision seems like irrational, if you ask me.

anak, your grandma was swayed by your daddytits decision. your daddytits has the big impact of your grandmother's soon to be surgical operation.

Yeah, maybe. But I had read the numbers--the percentage of her survival to undergo the operation--and I know what they mean. She has more chance of hitting the bucket while on the operation table than surviving. Consider her body is already weak from her constant watching of the afternoon TV dramas. Wait, slash that, a whole day long of watching the dramas while lying down on bed every single day from the time she last went from the hospital. And that was, oh! 3 months ago until now... Really, tell you what, the medical doctors were saying that even if the operation is successful, she's still may feel the pain that she's feeling now. Nothing may change. So what's the point of spending a fortune just to get back to square one? All she wants from the operation is to not feel the pains and numbness on her body anymore. But her actions tells otherwise. Where's the sense in that? If you were in my position, what would you do?

Indeed. And the worst part to their stubbornness is that when they are in pain, people who stayed close to them are in "pain" as well. You get bothered and affected by their troubles due to their stubbornness. It's very exasperating and troublesome to remind them repeatedly on their decision and the corresponding consequence a.k.a. the current situation. They should be responsible for the consequences of their actions but we, people who takes care of them, are being dragged into it as well... If one does not want to feel pain chronically, one needs to do the right thing for the body, right? So why persist with her stubbornness? I can't understand her! Really! No educational background--academic or financial--can give me a good reason why her psychology is irrational!

I gave up trying to get my husband to stop smoking years ago. I found that I was just wasting my breath and getting myself upest. He has agreed to smoke only on the front porch or back porch. The back porch is enclosed, so I shut the door when he goes out there. I did keep on hI'm about going to the doctor, though. When I let up a little about that, he decided on his own to go. He has expressed some regret ago ut that, as after they got the infection cleared up, the doctors started talking about the effects of his smoking. Yes, I well understand about the effect another person's pain has on the caregiver.

I don't know if I can give her any support at all when I am 100% against the decision in the first place. And that's the reason why I am giving up. I can't do anything. I mean, she can do anything she wants: abuse us, backbite us and do 10 times worse than she's already doing to us but NOT the part where she has to get an operation that may cost her life. I can handle any psychological and emotional damage she can give us everyday but not this one where all her sons and even her husband will be affected if anything goes wrong in the operation--which has more chance in happening than her recovery.

If you had read the discussions above this box, you'll see that she's still 73 years old. But because she is pitying herself, she looks older than 80. Her physical change is so drastic from last year to now--that isn't common in my family. If growing old means growing fearful, then it seems that she's not old enough to step back from her decision to take a medical operation. Tell you what, there is a way for her to recover without having to undergo the operation. However, because she does not want to endure her pain for just a little while and because she is pitying her self for it and because she does not believe in the path of natural healing, this led her to the decision to get operated than have a more percentage of survival. Because she wants the convenient path more than the path of being healed as a whole. And I give up on that. I only know that we all are going to be affected negatively over the course of time that she's "suffering" and worse if she hits the bucket. My mom feels the same way as I do. My dad is poker-faced so I can't tell for sure what he feels. He has some issues in showing his true feelings. Seriously. He's the son of my grandma by the way. My mom is just my grandma's neice/"once the maid". We're neighbors as well by the way. So if she has some tasks, we're the one's convenient for her to call. Because she's too shy to ask her closest family inside her own house or my uncle's family. You can call it, because we are the family of her niece/maid before that's why we're considered as such as well. Grandma is living with my grandpa and her youngest son, my uncle, but most of her days is spent with our long time family help--and the one who gets abused by the three every single day. Cuddling grandma will only encourage her self-pity. And that is not what she needs right now. My baby brother can do the cuddling for her. I do visit her time and again, though,--only to listen to her woes and suffering and pain and whatever she thinks of to talk about. As much as I try to lighten the mood she always finds the topic to go the most negative path every single conversation we have. Well, she's the one who does the talking. I'm just listening and listening.