staying too close with your family is suffocating
By rizzaspeaks
@rizzaspeaks (391)
Philippines
November 18, 2012 7:42am CST
True or not? Depends on the kind of family, I suppose.
I've met different people and many of them said that one's character is first built at home. That, I agree. For me, a family plays a vital role in one's personality. The upbringing of the parents, the caring and fighting of brothers and sisters, the environment inside the four corners of your house and maybe outside of your house. That may also explain how a child with no family sees the world differently.
But, would there be a point in your life that you will say, having a very close family tie is kinda suffocating? That every decision you will take should be approved by every member of your family? That you can't choose your career 'coz your parents find it useless? That you can't choose your friends 'coz your parents don't like them? And that you can't even choose your partner in life 'coz they're not a family-friend?
I guess these still happens everywhere in the world.
Yet, I cannot give a conclusion if these things are good or bad. 'Coz I have friends who turned to be very well persons because their parents have supported their dreams and also those who live their dreams without their parents' support but still ended up successfully.
I believe: If you want to be happy, make choices out of your own reasons.
Listen and solicit advices if you need them, but make the decision of your OWN.
In the end, it's only you who can find the answer to the path you chose to take.
That, you will never blame any one else, not even your family.
3 people like this
14 responses
@angelsmummy (1696)
•
18 Nov 12
I used to feel suffocated at times by my family but when I moved out of my mums house we were alot closer. My mum has never told me who my friends can be, not has she told me what career to take, not has she told me I can't choose my husband. I have my right to do that and it's nobodies decision but mine. I chose my husband, I chose when to have children, I chose where to work. I lived by my mums rules when I lived in her house but they weren't hard. My mum and I were super close until the day she passed away but no matter how close we are she can't control my life in the same way I couldn't control hers.
I would never expect her to tell me these things I wouldn't be impressed if anyone told me what to do. I would tell them where to go lol.
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
22 Nov 12
That's true. Independence from our parents make us more responsible and likewise start a different closer relationship. Guess almost every one who lives inside his/her parents' house should live the house rules.
It's good that you know how to take control of your life. It's disappointing if they would make you live the kind of life they wanted, that in the end you'll realize it's their lives you're living and not yours.
@angelsmummy (1696)
•
26 Nov 12
I'm not the type of person to allow someone to live their life through me lol. But I have seen parents like that and I hate to have that and hate to be that.
@leeandrew (1225)
• Philippines
19 Nov 12
True, specially when they depended on you. They would asked for things and make you buy things and pay things as well, then not only that you can hear of not good words or opinion from them still, it seems that no matter how much you have given in... its seems not enough for them (this happens when your family lives with you with two still in school siblings and a dad that don't provide for his family).
But I think things is different when your parent is able to provide for themselves and they don't depend on you. When they could contribute paying with the bills and could contribute with the food.
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
24 Nov 12
It's really hard to be a bread-winner of the family especially when you are the only one who is responsible for every thing. I don't see wrong with helping them but when they turn abusive then it's a different story. Parents should act as parents. It doesn't matter what kind of job they have, as long as they take their roles responsibly. Every one has the right to get tired too most especially when your actions are not recognized.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
18 Nov 12
I agree with you that it depends on the family. Some families are very close and they get along great. It works out good for them. And other families it's like they can't get away from each other quick enough. I'm hoping that as my daughter grows older she will stick close to us and enjoy spending time with us.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
24 Nov 12
Thanks. I think she will too. I hope that she will appreciate all the things that we do for her. That she will appreciate the values we instill in her. It is a good thing for children to have supportive parents. They will learn a lot more this way.
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
22 Nov 12
Right. It depends on the environment your family is building for you. You may either feel safe or get suffocated.
Good parents will always have thoughtful and caring children to spend time with them. I'm sure your daughter will forever feel blessed of your presence :)
1 person likes this
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
21 Nov 12
Only someone who had sufficient family would write about being suffocated. I was an orphan from my teen years and so many times, I longed for the advice of family. I would have even settled for advice from other older adults. I especially miss not having a family over the holiday time. There is a great emphasis on family and it seems to increase the feelings of loss. I think that the is great wisdom in seeking the counsel of others before making life changing decisions. However, when the decision is not so important to one's life, I think making your own choice is a good way to become good at picking the best path. If you solicit advice from family then I think you should give very serious consideration to that advice. No one is comfortable with unsolicited advice and I think it is even harder to take when that unsolicited advice comes from the family who loves you and understands you the most.
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
24 Nov 12
That's the thing most people fail to realize- the essence of having a family. ne. Just like what they say "you'll only realize the importance of someone when he/she is gone"..or maybe when you yearn for it.
Family members can give advices but it's still you who must decide for your life.
@habibti320 (925)
• United States
18 Nov 12
I think everyone has to find their own boundaries with their family members.
With my family, I have had to set certain parameters with my mom especially. There are certain things that she knows not to ask about. Also, we have had to talk about her own expectations. A lot of times, she has seen my choices as a reflection of her parenting ability. When bad things have happened to me, she has shared this information with her friends and distant family members, although they weren't topics I wanted to be made public. When this came out and I had random people emailing me and Facebooking me, I was able to talk to her about it. She wants us to be close, and I would like to be close to her. However, we now have some protocol that each of us tries to respect.
My sister has been living in China for 5 years and says that it's the best way to have a good relationship with my parents. That way, she gets to live her own life and select which information she shares with them. We see her once a year for a holiday or summer vacation.
Even though my parents are in the same city as me for now, we don't cross each other's social circles very often and have biweekly meals together. My parents are great, but working out an adult relationship with them has been crucial for keeping good terms.
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
22 Nov 12
I agree with your sister, independence will build a different closer relationship with your parents. In such way, you will have to take every risk and choice on your own but at the same time will long for your parents' advices in some instances.
With regards to the sharing of your mom with her friends about your problem, I don't agree with that too, but, on the other hand, I guess she's just trying to solicit advices to share with you but only take a wrong move at that one :)
At least now you practice the protocol in sharing;)
Don't worry, spending more time together will keep you in good terms most often. Parents long for our hugs and kisses too you know, you just have to make them feel special more often:)
@habibti320 (925)
• United States
24 Nov 12
Yes, a certain amount of distance is good for keeping independence.
This week I saw my family a lot due to the Thanksgiving holiday and really appreciated my parents and siblings. We had a great time playing games, watching a movie, and talking about different issues. I feel that we have a much better relationship than we used to.
Also, I feel that it's good to keep the relationship strong. My parents are getting older and chances are, we will end up caring for them and spending more time with them then.
@Mavic123456 (21893)
• Thailand
18 Nov 12
When too young family or parents are like that because they claim they want the best for you. although your immature mind says "they are so suffocating" always wanted to be followed. Why can I choose on my own? But when you have grown age all decisions are yours. Mistakes or success it is all yours. At least that can I say about my family. Really they are up to my neck when I was younger. Everything been said and should be followed. But now I decide on my own and they interfere with my decisions. I like to quit from job. "they say, if that will give you stressful life, the quit". No buts, no saying "what if you don't find a job?" and so on... One day I brought someone in the house. "Meet my bf", No question "Who the hell is he?", he was accepted right away.
Yes, they are so suffocating when I was young, now they are compassionate, understanding and true, family is always you can run to in case of troubles, loneliness, failures, success, happiness. They will not turn their back at you and say, "it's your fault because you.. blah" no. At least I can speak for my family.
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
22 Nov 12
I see you have a supportive family. Just like you, my family has been supportive to everything I want in my life, may it be with my career and my life. I guess it happens often to anyone esp. to young people, feeling suffocated when over-protected.
And you're right, when you are in your down-most times, your family will not forsake you. They will let your realize your mistake and even scold you, but still will help you stand up again and fight.
@Mavic123456 (21893)
• Thailand
28 Dec 12
Great realizations so make the best while they are still with us.
Thanks for that he best response. I do appreciate it
@perfectstranger (727)
• Indonesia
18 Nov 12
Family remains an important part of our lives. Although in the end all the important decisions we will take. But the family is supporting us to become a better person, gives what is good and which one is bad. No parents want their children to experience a fate worse than they
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
22 Nov 12
I agree. No parents would want their child to have bad future. Having supportive parents are not just those who will accept any thing you want but will also advise you the pros and cons of your possible actions. Supportive parents would want you to take risk but would not allow you to be harmed.
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
18 Nov 12
Sorry to hear about this.
We have same situation back in my hometown wherein our family lives in one place - a private compound.
However, when it comes to decision making- it doesn't need to be approved by everyone, unless it is a family matter.
But with personal things- members may give their advice and suggestion but it doesn't mean they should or must be totally involved.
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
22 Nov 12
No need to say sorry jaiho, I am not suffocated by my own family. It's for general discussion :)
Same with you, we decide as one when it comes to family matters and in times when a family member is in trouble.
Personal things, we may talk about them but they will just support whatever your decision is.
@sender621 (14894)
• United States
18 Nov 12
A familt that is too close is just as discouraging as being too far apRT. THEY BOTH HAVE THEIr disadvantages./ you can suffocate too close or too far apart.@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
24 Nov 12
Yes. There are different effects on the distance you build with your family. There are both advantages and disadvantages, it still depends on how they and we perceive things. Thanks:)
@allknowing (136099)
• India
19 Nov 12
There are a few situations where interaction with family becomes more fulfilling than interacting with society. But this is on the decline. We are a drifted lot each confined to their nucleus set up and once children become independent they would rather prefer to interact with friends than keep in touch with family.
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
24 Nov 12
That's so true. Most young people nowadays would spend their time with their friends rather than family-bonding. Peer influences often make parents hardly communicate with their children. Young people would rather spend hours sharing in the internet than sharing with their parents and family.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
18 Nov 12
I completely agree with you that what you do has to be your own choice. But even if you do listen to your parents/family, do what they want you to do it still is your choice to do so. So you can not blame anyone else or be angry with anyone else as yourself! People are born with a character. This has nothing to do with the family where you are raised. There are plenty of "black sheep" in each family which already is a prove that those people do not fit in that family because of their character, because they are different as wanted. But who cares about that since in the end the worst thing that can happen to you is to loose yourself! I don't believe all kids without a family see the world different. This also depends on the character. Family can be everyone and this has nothing to do with a bloodbond. So if a kid like that sees the world different it has way more to do with the society as the lack of family. BTW nobody is raised by family alone. Most children spend over 8 hours a day outside their home/without family. A big part they spend sleeping so there is very less time left over for the "own" family to "built character".
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
22 Nov 12
I agree with you that family can be anyone. 'Coz a real family to consider is the one who "act" as your family. Family speaks relationship. It can be your friends, it can be anyone you feel as part of your life.
Nobody is raised by family alone, that is so true. Our growth is dependent on our environment, it may be on the streets, inside our houses, in the church, in school, it is everywhere. Character is not planted in us when we were born. We build it according to what we believe and how we see the explanation of living in this planet. A child without parents may not understand the feeling of having a biological mother or father but it doesn't mean that he/she cannot have the family. A character is not built by a biological family alone, it is developed by the kind of our environment (with or with a biological family).
The effect of not having a family is different on each child. One may live stronger, the other may not.
@prashu228 (37524)
• India
18 Nov 12
yes your are right it depends upon the family members and the relation we share. But again it depends upon the person how he/she wants her life to be. Whether they want their family interference or not. So we cant blame anyone.
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
22 Nov 12
Absolutely. It sill depends on how we want our lives to be. We can't blame anyone 'coz it's always our choice how to live it.
@jdalaqui (1073)
• Philippines
19 Nov 12
When family members knows how to play their rightful role then I think it would be wonderful both for you and for them. Sometimes we cannot avoid our family members to but inn concerning your personal choice so if cannot cope on that, it's better to live apart.
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
24 Nov 12
I agree with you, if family members will act accordingly to their roles, it will create a wonderful relationship but if they keep on mandating on how you should act your life, it's better to be independent.
@vernaC (1491)
• Romania
18 Nov 12
Yes, there are times that I get suffocated, but when I do, I go out with friends
or with my siblings and get back to happy moods by enjoying. Family will always be
family no matter how you get tired of them, theyre always the one you come back.
You forget this suffocating mood eventually once you enjoy your life once in a while.
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
22 Nov 12
It's a smart way of controlling your emotion. Plus, you are also creating a stronger relationship with your siblings thru bonding. I agree with you, family will always be a family. We'll always come back to them no matter where our lives will take us.
