It went so, so wrong.
By Amber
@AmbiePam (92711)
United States
December 1, 2012 4:53pm CST
If you have a short attention span and are one of those people who get annoyed at long discussions, I'll make it easy on you. Just go ahead and tell me about your day. Also, if poo stories bother you, stop reading now. Now, about the discussion. Last night I had a migraine, but couldn't refill my migraine meds until this morning because of insurance. Thankfully, it was gone this morning and I could go ahead and do what I had planned. Some people were throwing a kind of lunch or whatever in my dad's honor. They had some plans to do something special for him. My sister, BIL, and new niece Amyra came here last night so they could attend. I wanted to go myself but knew he wouldn't be able to relax if my mom came. He'd be worrying about her messing in her pants, and if she did he'd be in a world of hurt. I mean even if she goes in a diaper, you still smell it.
So thankfully I could watch my mom so they could go off and have fun. And about two hours later things went very bad. I was in the "computer room" when she came in to talk to me. Actually she just roams around, so she didn't really say anything. But I certainly smelled something. I asked her if she had pooped in her pants and she said no. But when I got up to check and looked down the back of her pants, she clearly had. I thought shoot, I've got to clean her up. Oh, but no that wasn't the worst. I walk into the hallway to take her to the bathroom to change her diaper and clothes. And there are FOOTPRINTS of crap. I follow the footprints into the bathroom where for some reason she had dumped the mass of crap that was in her diaper on to the floor. The tracks led into the bathroom, to her bedroom, down the hallway. So I had to change her (and you can't just get her to change clothes, you have to physically pull her pants off, and wash her yourself because the simplest commands she won't do) and then mop everything. Not to mention scoop up the mass of crap. I almost vomited so many times. We are not talking about a baby's diaper. People will say oh, well your mom did that for you when you were a child. Nuh-uh. I wasn't a grown adult who filled an adult diaper. And I didn't spead my poo around nor walk in it. Anyone who thinks taking care of a baby is the same as taking care of an adult has some mental problems.
I really don't know how I got through it. My neck has been screwed up all week (the pain meds weren't working). And she wouldn't sit still while I was cleaning it up. She'd try to walk through it. You'd ask her to sit and she'd say, I am sitting! When they finally came home I was so relieved. I mean you ask her all the time, do you need to go to the bathroom? You sit her down on the toilet just to be sure. She's hardly ever out of your sight and still these things occur.
I have nothing left today. But on the positive side my dad had a great time. As did my sister and brother-in-law.
7 people like this
23 responses
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
1 Dec 12
Dearest Ambie, my first attempt of an answer went into internet space..... so let me try again.
My heart goes out to you and I hurt with you about that day. Sorry you were bothered by migraines again and sorry that this day turned out that bad.
I sure wish I was not halfway around the globe only to type some stuff now but in the same town cause I feel you cant go through these things alone but need someone who also asks about your needs and takes a bit care of you, mainly when you are as exhausted as you seem to be right now.
It rips my heart apart for sure.
You know I had other problems with my mother and it was so draining though I only had to cope with it for a few hours a week so I admire your strength......
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (160663)
• United States
1 Dec 12
Lots of hugs, Amber. I do know what it is like, and I do know what Alzheimer's type dementia is like. You did good girl. You were able to get through it because of grace and also because of adrenaline.
I am glad you can give this very special gift to your dad. I have never understood why there is not some type of respite care available for him.
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
5 Dec 12
Wow!!! I cannot believe what you have to endure at times with your mom. This must be hard emotionally as well as physically. Has your Ewe considered a care giver who can help with a lot of this?
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
1 Dec 12
I skipped through a lot of that as it was making my stomach turn just thinking about it..
You poor girl!
I know I've dealt with such things with my kids.. they've used it as a crayon to draw on the walls.. not kidding!
But I think it's different with kids. It's not quite as sickening and gross.
You really are a saint, you know that? Being so helpful to your father, going through all this with your mother, and I know that must be painful.. and skipping the party. I would have wanted to be at the party. I sure don't think I could do what you're doing.
2 people like this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
2 Dec 12
that has got to be a nightmare you are living in and your poor dad. im sorry but i just pray to God i pass away before this ever happens that i get like your poor mom. its got to be a nightmare for her also. 
i just cant imagine why anyone can not find a help for this. also i know you love her and your dad but wouldnt she be better in a nursing home? you may have already approached your reasons for not doing this in another discussion and i missed it. dont get upset at me. im not here to make you feel worse. i do hope my kids will put me some where if this happens to me. as i dont want them going thru this with me.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
2 Dec 12
and btw, i used to take care of an elderly man like that not even related but i have a strong stomach i guess but even so there were times i nearly lost it.
cleaning up after him and cleaning him. can you believe the family let me go? yes they were paying me but also they had to pay the replacment
takes a special person to do what we have done.
cleaning up after him and cleaning him. can you believe the family let me go? yes they were paying me but also they had to pay the replacment takes a special person to do what we have done.1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
3 Dec 12
i was so concerned over this that i talked to my daughter about it. she has a lot of control over my doctors and health issues. she agreed with your dad about keeping me. she said, what if they abuse you and we dont know it? and you wont be able to tell us. i can see her point but still i told her i dont care and wont know anyway. i just dont want that to be my last memory for my kids of me im afraid my kids will do the same as your dad and not let me go. 
i just wish no one had to face this horrible desease.1 person likes this
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
2 Dec 12
I'm glad that I've never been in the position of having to do that for anyone. I would if I had to, but... Well, I'm glad that I haven't been there.
My boyfriend's mother has dementia and is in a fairly good nursing home. The staff there is good, and she seems to be generally happy. There is absolutely no way we could have her living with us. Taking her to dine out or into a store is challenging enough; we wouldn't have the stamina to be able to handle taking care of her 24/7--especially not if we also wanted to do little things like earn a living, prepare a meal or get a peaceful night's sleep.
1 person likes this
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
2 Dec 12
oh nooooo I thought that your dad gets more sleep now as your mom seems to sleep better since she is in that daycare..........
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
3 Dec 12
I totally can relate, my son is in a wheelchair, but we sure end up with some messes sometimes. I am so sorry that you had to go through all that.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
3 Dec 12
Awwwwww I'm sorry you had such a rough time. I can relate to your situation. I was my mom's primary caregiver when she was terminally ill and I had to do a lot of things that, looking back, I don't know how I managed them. My sister and I found out we were eligible for an in-home care nurse for her but she came once or twice and my mom hated her. She was very efficient but also very cold and methodical. My mother was in a huge amount of pain in her head because she had cancer of the salivary gland and a really large tumor on the side of her face. The nurse hurt her a lot while handling her body and her tumor site so, after she left, my mother told me "I don't want her to come any more... I only want YOU to take care of me." It broke my heart because, by that time, I was soooo worn out, so exhausted that I really wanted help. But I couldn't deny my mom what she wanted and needed so we let the nurse go. She provided me with all the medical supplies I could need (which was help with the financial burden, for sure) and I continued to have to change dressings, clean the tumor and more.
There is really no dignity for the adult patient nor for the adult caregiver in situations like these. I mean, every day, I had to carry my mom to the bathroom, fully undress her, sit her in a chair and bathe her (she was no longer strong enough for the shower or bathtub). She wouldn't accept being bathed in her bed. She insisted on being washed in the bathroom. I think she fought to maintain some semblance of "normal" and something that didn't signify that her condition was so bad. However, near the end, the pain overtook everything and she could no longer hold a coherent conversation nor fully hear or understand what I was saying. As you say, it's sometimes "like" caring for an infant -- but then so not! It's not anything you ever envision doing... and yet, when it happens, something just "kicks in" and you cope.
You have a lot of strength -- probably much more than you know. No matter how hard things get, you will never, never have any regrets.
I'm sorry you had such a rough time. I can relate to your situation. I was my mom's primary caregiver when she was terminally ill and I had to do a lot of things that, looking back, I don't know how I managed them. My sister and I found out we were eligible for an in-home care nurse for her but she came once or twice and my mom hated her. She was very efficient but also very cold and methodical. My mother was in a huge amount of pain in her head because she had cancer of the salivary gland and a really large tumor on the side of her face. The nurse hurt her a lot while handling her body and her tumor site so, after she left, my mother told me "I don't want her to come any more... I only want YOU to take care of me." It broke my heart because, by that time, I was soooo worn out, so exhausted that I really wanted help. But I couldn't deny my mom what she wanted and needed so we let the nurse go. She provided me with all the medical supplies I could need (which was help with the financial burden, for sure) and I continued to have to change dressings, clean the tumor and more.
There is really no dignity for the adult patient nor for the adult caregiver in situations like these. I mean, every day, I had to carry my mom to the bathroom, fully undress her, sit her in a chair and bathe her (she was no longer strong enough for the shower or bathtub). She wouldn't accept being bathed in her bed. She insisted on being washed in the bathroom. I think she fought to maintain some semblance of "normal" and something that didn't signify that her condition was so bad. However, near the end, the pain overtook everything and she could no longer hold a coherent conversation nor fully hear or understand what I was saying. As you say, it's sometimes "like" caring for an infant -- but then so not! It's not anything you ever envision doing... and yet, when it happens, something just "kicks in" and you cope.
You have a lot of strength -- probably much more than you know. No matter how hard things get, you will never, never have any regrets. 1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (63594)
• United States
2 Dec 12
I'm sorry you were feeling so bad. And I'm sorry that your mother is such a trial.
I have a friend who's mother is also that way, only a few years older... okay, more like 25 or 30 years older. Her mom hasn't gotten that bad either, tho she doesn't know she has children, thinks she lives in a boarding house and there are two people named "B" living there.
I know its hard, and I'm impressed that your father and you are willing to continue taking care of her in their home. There are folks that have to put them in facilities made to handle people like your mom.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (92711)
• United States
2 Dec 12
She's 53 and I have no idea how many more years are left of this. I have to admit in a few years I hope he considers putting her in a nursing home. I've been able to help him for the last four years, but we're not either in good shape. He's had 4 knee surgeries and has a bad back. And I'm pathetically messed up due to the car accident I had years ago. I appreciate your kind comment about keeping her at home.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (63594)
• United States
2 Dec 12
Yeah, 53 is young - younger than I am! This lady's older than I am so you KNOW her mother is even older - like 80 something...
I realize that you and your father both have health issues and I hope you can find a good place for her when the time comes.
http://www.alz.org/living_with_alzheimers_choosing_care_providers.asp
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
2 Dec 12
Honey you have to be so proud of yourself. I know how hard the situation must have been. I also had to do that a few times with my dad before he passed...and I had even worked in a nursing home a long time ago....kudo's to you....I am sorry your whole family is going through this....its a tough situation!
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
2 Dec 12
You are an angel and there is a special place for you in heaven. What a lot to contend with ut yundid it. I know that I would have thrown up and not sure that I could have done it but probably would out of compassion. YOUR FATHER IS A WONDERFUL MAN AND YOU WERE GREAT TO STAY AT HOME SOMTHAT HE COULD GO OUT AND GET A BREAK FROM THE constant caring of your Mom. He must be so special but I do n ot know how he is going to cope when he gets older. I am so gld thathe had a wonderful timr. Every blessing to you and your family
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
2 Dec 12
You are right. It's not the same as cleaning up a baby, though a baby can be quite a nasty experience also when they leak out of the diaper and mess it all over.
People with dementia just don't know they have to go because they aren't always self-aware. I'm a retired nurse and even I found it difficult to clean up messes like that. When my mom got dementia, I'm just glad she wasn't ambulatory because I would also have had similar messes to clean.
1 person likes this
@41CombedaleRoad (5952)
• Greece
2 Dec 12
I read this, all of it, and my heart went out to you Amber. You belong to a group of loving carers who are left to just get on with things. I suppose people are unwilling to show concern for you or your mother just in case they find themselves getting involved too. From what you have written it seems that your mother is equally unaware of what is happening to her or of your care for her. If this is the case then it is easier for her but much harder for you. All I can say is that your kindness will not be without its reward one day. I hope that there is someone who cares about you and can give you the support you need at the end of a day like this one when you put everyone else first and yourself at the end of the line.
@zainirye (36)
• Philippines
2 Dec 12
As I was reading this, the saying "No good deed goes unpunished" went through my mind. As a new mom, I adore everything about my baby, even her poop - so cleaning up is actually a lot of fun for me. I just can't imagine having to do that for an adult. But, I'm happy for you, being able to look on the positive side of things. You will be blessed.
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
2 Dec 12
I was able to read it through, even though I have been nauseous since last Tuesday. You are right, an adult would be a lot worse, especially if one fed their baby naturally, there is no smell, but once they start on solid foods, the smell gets bad. So an adult who has been eating solid food for many years, I can understand how you would almost get sick.
You are such a good daughter and I am sure your dad appreciates what you do for him. Perhaps next time your sister will allow you to go and she stay with mom? I know, probably a long shot, but you deserve to have a good time with your dad too..
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
2 Dec 12
I admire you. I know that we do what we have to do but this is way beyond normal. I know that your father doesn't want to put your mother into a nursing home but it may be the best thing at this point. If that is not an option, I'd advise having two people watch her at any given time. She is obviously too much for one person to take care of adequately. I'm not saying you didn't, it's just that the toll this has taken on you is not good for you, not even good for someone without your physical problems. Stress can do some pretty horrible things to us and there's no denying that this was an extremely stressful day for you.
If you volunteer to do this again, please make sure that there is someone else staying with you. I know that you can handle your mom but I worry about YOU. Please take care of yourself.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
2 Dec 12
Hi my dear 'lil sis~ I'm so sorry that you have to go through all
that. I can only imagine how awful it must be. I took care of my
neighbor when he was dying of cancer and changed his diapers
and know only too well that it's nothing like changing a baby!
It's very sad and upsetting to say the least. I knew him over
25 years and it broke my heart to see him like that~ My mom has
just been definitely diagnosed by a Neurologist with Alzheimers
Dementia, but she has a "mild case" if there is such a thing. She
hasn't progressed to not being able to do things for herself, but
she has to be "watched 24/7 since she opened the door at 1:30 AM
and got mugged and robbed of all her jewelery. She has more of an
issue with "short term memory" and making decisions. We are still
trying to "fix the money issue" with the attorney who she gave
"Power of Attorney" to who is holding her money and won't tell
her where the banks are that the money is in and how much money
she has-(long story and not good). We had to get an attorney to
get it away from him! Very stressful and worried because he turned
out to be a whacko who wants to run my mother's and my life-He
thinks it's "his" money and he is a millionaire already!
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
2 Dec 12
Oh AmbiePam..what tasks you and your family are facing. It is not the same as a baby..I know..I worked in a nursing home for a few years as a CNA and it can be tough.
I can not imagine how tough it must be for you and your dad. You are such a wonderful person for giving your father some time out. People need that so much. It is a sad state of being that an illness like your mom has puts on everyone around it and her. Try to get some rest dear fried.
1 person likes this
@natliegleb (5175)
• India
2 Dec 12
thanks for starting such a useful and interesting discussion here,i would like to say the neck problem is natural and you certainly did the right thing by cleaning up and the great times are very important
1 person likes this
