My boyfriend plans to hang out with another girl
By Aja103654
@Aja103654 (5644)
Philippines
December 20, 2012 10:14pm CST
-sigh- How do I start? It's quite a long story. Get ready for a head ache. ;)
SUMMARY:
My boyfriend has promised his friend who is a girl and her mother, that he will guide them in Philippines. But I don’t want him to because I don’t him close to that girl. He asks my permission if I agree, but I did not say yes or no. I want him to decide this on his own, so I will know how I truly mean to him. Would he chose his promise and his friend over me and our relationship? I wonder. I want to know even if it will hurt me.
If he goes with her, I will be very disappointed and desire not to talk to him again. Even make him guilty for it, even when I know there is nothing really wrong with his actions. Even when I know that they are just friends, or so they say. Even when I trust him... It’s complicated.
If he doesn’t go, all is safe between us, but that is something I want him to choose. This way I will trust and love him even more. I know I am making a big deal out of this, my mind tells me so. But my heart tells me that this is the only way to be satisfied.
HERE’S THE LONG VERSION OF IT!
My boyfriend has friend who is a girl. She lives in Japan. She is part Filipino and part Japanese. She plans to come to the Philippines this month with her mother. Let's name her M to makes thing simple. My boyfriend let's call him A. They both get along like good friends but A thinks M likes him more than as a friend. A claims he is not interested in the M but wants to keep his promise for being her tour guide because he also promised M's mother accidentally via yahoo messenger.
Here's what A said. When he was chatting with M's mom, M's mom asked him for help and be their tour guide because they have not been in Philippines for a long time. A's time at the internet cafe was up so he replied 'okay, gotta go now' M’s mom seem to really like A, that added to his pressure.
He just realized that M's mom must have taken that as a yes when actual A has not made up his mind yet, because he wants to ask my permission first before giving his answer.
But he is not comfortable with going back on his promise even though it was accidentally. Because he is the kind of person who 'keeps his words' and he does not want to disappoint M's mom.
So he calls me and told me what happened and asked for my permission. I find everything he said to be hard to believe. I am jealous because he just can’t seem to find a way to get away from that situation. I know I am being cruel also in not willing to understand. I don’t want to give him permission so he can just be their tour guide without conscience. I am hurt because he will be with that girl, M. I don’t trust the M but I also believe that she doesn’t really have romantic feelings for A. I just don’t want them to be together… because I am not comfortable with it.
So I told him I won’t give him permission. I want him to decide on his own. A is very confused what to do because without my permission he won’t be comfortable keeping his word. He is hoping I will understand. Frankly, even when I understand I still can’t accept his reasons. I believe if A doesn’t want to risk our relationship just to keep his word, he would choose our relationship. I’m sure M’s mother and M will understand.
A is only making it difficult for himself. Now, he realized that I am unhappy with his decision that he will likely accept to be the tour guide. Though he already sent a message to M’s mom that he will do his best, but he can’t guarantee full time because he needs to study for his exam too.
My boyfriend is so foolish. He hates the situation and he’s very confused. He is willing to risk our relationship just to keep his promise. That make me proud and disappointed in him at the same time. He really values that friend of his, I get it. It upsets me. My boyfriend even cried as he was so confused what to do. He is torn between me and in keeping his word.
I told him that if he chooses to go with that plan with M, then I will PROBABLY not talk to him again. This I don’t want to happen, but I am only being honest with myself. I really find this hard to accept. It will probably break us up.
I just want him to break his promise for me. I’m so bad. I’m not willing to be a martyr in this relationship. I am selfish because I am testing him.
What do you think of this, my friends?
5 people like this
20 responses
@Mintlin (322)
• China
22 Dec 12
I have similar dilemma as you. my husband has a female colleague classmate ,their relationship are good. that woman stays in another city,once she went to my city and requested my husband toured for her alone. I met her once in my wedding ceremony ,she is still single and likes to hang out with mans.honestly,i feel jealous when seeing she get special treatment from my husband.Of course ,i denied accepting they go out.but my husband promise me they are just good friend. that day,they went to a sea town which is far away from my house,my husband texted me they will stay there for one nigt,it's too late to get home. I was angry to know that and i did not reply. the next day,that woman went home ,i shouted at my husband and asked him to explain everything. mY husband said they just friend and that woman helped him a lot when he was in school. what can i say,do i have to trust my husband. I do not know,but i choose to be silent
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
That's it Mintlin!!! that's the word!! That special treatment thing! It pisses me off! It's because of their promise!! aRGH, she could have asked someone else, why'd she have to ask my boyfriend and why did her mom have to ask my boyfriend? And why did my stupid boyfriend couldn't say no properly??? Sheeesh!!
... oh my, that is indeed very suspicious.
They went out all alone together? And she's single too??? And they stayed the night??? I would be very very suspicious of that indeed. They could have avoided many misunderstandings but it was completely unnecessary for your husband to make you feel that way.
I am sorry mintlin. I guess for now you only have to remain silent. You have no proof as to what really happened there. Try to forget it and not let it bother you. But if it happens again, make sure to investigate and be prepared.
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
I totally know how it feels and if there is one solution i could think of that is you go with your bf! I mean what is wrong with that? Bf could take you with him and he introduce you to them.. and that would clear any confusions with him and that lady from Japan too..and you will also know everything will be platonic with them. lol.
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
First off, thank you jazel for totally understanding. People who have not experienced this exactly how I experienced it wouldn't totally understand. There are a lot of factors involved here and it's confusing!
Yeah going with him would be ideal.
But to me... well, I'd rather be not there with him. It's not like I need to watch over him. It's not cool to me being a helicopter girlfriend. Ugh, it kind of gives the impression that I couldn't trust him.
Why can't he just give me the right words that even I don't know yet but in my heart I want to hear???
Yes, but anything that is not right between them, I'll be there to put a stop to it.
-sigh- C'mon. I'd rather my boyfriend do it all himself. Just to train him for the future, in case I wouldn't be there around to help him.
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
22 Dec 12
Hi!
I think you are not fair to your boy friend.
You should not put conditions for your boy friend like this. After all he is also a human being and need to accommodate others.
If he truly loves then you should not have apprehensions that he will get attracted to the other girl.
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
24 Dec 12
It takes two to tango, so goes the saying.
It is, therefore, the girl in question just can not trap your boy friend single handedly till your boy friend allows himself to get into the trap.
May be your boy friend was testing your patience when he would often mention about the girl.
Anyway, let us hope for the best.
dpk
PS - Did you get my PM?
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
I know. But he raised my suspicion too because he keeps talking about the girl.
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
I mean, I should know how it feels. I have been with an ex of mine who has taken away my freedom to be with my friends. So definitely, I would never do that to my boyfriend. In fact, if you asked him yourself, he is pretty free. He'd say he is lucky because I let him live his life. Best yet, it's reciprocal!
I forgot to mention. I've never kept my boyfriend away from anyone else, just this girl. because I don't trust this girl. I don't know her. And my boyfriend keeps assuming and hinting that this girl might like him as more than a friend.
If there's one to really blame for my discomfort about this, it's my boyfriend. he brought her up in many conversations we have. It's starting to annoy me.
If you were in that situation, would you still trust this girl to be with him? The issue is not that I'm worried they would cheat, I'm pretty sure that they are not, but I am not comfortable thinking of the possibility of any romantic feelings blooming between them. I'd have to nip that in the bud!
Thank you for the response dpk!
@Cutie18f (9546)
• Philippines
21 Dec 12
It is normal for you to feel jealous or have this anxiety because he is your boyfriend and things could happen when he goes with another girl for a long time. We can't help that. What will happen while they are together is beyond your control, but now that the moment hasn't come yet is the time to make him decide. If he goes even if he knows you are not in favor of it, then it only means that he also has some feelings for the other girl. Why would he bother to go with them?
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
Glad you see it how I see it cutie. Most responders were telling me I am freaking out over something so little. I know initially people would be annoyed the way I acted and not everyone would understand. I'm aware that I'm behaving like a crazy girl back there.
Naturally we have our protective and possessive side as a girl friend. Sometimes we can't help the feeling even though we know there's no need for all the drama. However, I had many reasons for acting the way they did.
One is to let my anger and displeasure out and second I want to clarify many things with my boyfriend. So now that most of it has been cleared up, I am okay for now. I want to see things unfold later on.
I don't really suspect them cheating. I wanted to verify if my boyfriend might have even the smallest romantic feelings for this girl. Is that so bad? I had to be sure, I can't be over confident of my beauty. 
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
21 Dec 12
A promise is a promise, a friend is a friend. I can understand you but still I think it's childish never to speak to him again or force him to break his promise. Would you like it if someone would do that to you?
Also I think this is a good moment for him to prove to you how strong your relationship is. But also what kind of person you are. Sounds to me you don't trust him. If you better end the relationship and stay single for the rest of your life. I don't think you will ever find a partner who will always be there for you or will give up everything for you endlessly. You are not testing him, you are forcing him into a bad situation. Making a huge problem out of nothing. You better test yourself.
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
hahaha, yeah that was childish of me. I'm well aware of that and what a byotch I was to behave like I did and saying all those things. Ah, it's weird why I love being a byotch sometimes just to let some steam out, and when all the pressure inside me is out... I return to my old self.
Uh, well, I also wanted to test myself to. To see how I trust him truly and what kind of a person I really am. So I will find that out after the tour.
By the way, I couldn't just nod my head and let him go that easily without a challenge on his part. I won't be the docile and kind girlfriend all the time. When I feel hurt, I will turn into a byotch.
@bjc66bjc (6730)
• United States
21 Dec 12
Hi Aja, i know you said that you love and trust your boyfriend.
But I am not believing you..If you trusted him you would not have
an issue with him being a guide with these people...Now I do
understand that this girl has a thing for your boyfriend, but its
up to him to get her to understand that his love and heart belongs
to you..He has no reason to not be trusted if he really really
loves...
I do think it very stressful on him and you to make him feels like
he is caught between a rock and a hard place...You should believe
in him..if the love is real..
First how do you know the girl has a thing for your boyfriend?
would you prefer not to know that...If she lives some other place
how on earth would ne be playing both of you and if you believe that
he really loves...How old are you guys?? You can't not have love
for someone that far away from you and not trust them...You are gonna
drive yourself absolutley C R A Z Y... Stop doing this to yourself.
Let him be the guide and let this situtation be laid to rest..It
may not be easy but believe me this test is hurting both of you
and its just not necessary.
Pray to God to help you though this tough disturbing time in your
life and you will be fine...Without trust whats love got to do
with it...
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
My boyfriend and I met up today and everything seem forgotten. He was wondering why I made such a big deal about it, and I was feeling fine already so I teased him to just go with that girl already and get it over with.
Seems this is one of my crazy girl friend moments that only last for a short time and afterwards I'm okay and more clear headed. I acted that way because I wanted to let him know a lot of things and I want to verify many other things from him.
I wanted to know if HE wanted to be with that girl and how he sees that girl. But since he has given me the answers sincerely, I am fine already.
We have been through this before over the same girl. For some reason that girl makes me feel that way. I don't trust the girl because I don't know her. If she turned out bad, then I wouldn't be pleased.
Thank you for the response and advice! I really appreciate it! 
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
24 Dec 12
Seems to me you have a lovely guy for a boyfriend and you take delight in playing with his affections.
This guy is too nice for you, You are selfish, mean, critical, possessive, negative and a whole lot more.
Let this fine fellow go so he can be happy and find someone who will make you miserable. Someone who will really give you something to complain about
Any woman who will put her relationship at risk just to test a guy is a fool. Any woman who expects a guy to break his word, go back on a promise, give up his standards and values, throw away his self esteem just so she can have the upper hand is a user and a really nasty person.
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
22 Dec 12
If he is serious about you, he really should not be spending so much time chatting with other girls and making such promises--especially not ones that he thinks have a thing for him (whether that really be the case or not).
However, you are wanting for him to do something that goes against who he is. He made a promise, and he is the sort who keeps his promises.
I would say that the best course of action would be to smile sweetly, bat your eyelashes and insist upon tagging along to "help out" with the tour. That way, you can keep an eye on your guy and be certain that M's hand's stay well off him. If he has any issues with this plan, that is the point at which you know that his loyalties do not lie with you.
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
That's what I thought too! I am not usually crazy but this girl he usually talks about her. So my suspicion is raised. I had to investigate and clarify things with him. Pushing him into the situation I have created is a test! A test that will show what is important to him, a promise to a friend or his romantic relationship. Though it was childish of me to say I don't want to talk to him if he goes with that girl, I only said it out of bitter feelings, partly wanted to do it for real but I know also that I couldn't keep myself away from him for long. I merely wanted him to think I am planning to do that, to confuse him and see who really means more to him.
Rather cruel, isn't it?
I'm not really that worried they would cheat with each other. I am more worried they have feelings for each other, no matter how little. I can not risk that no matter how confident I am in the strength of our love.
I suppose you have a point. I'd have to tag along with them if it ever comes to that. What a pain. I don't want to be helicopter girl friend, I have other things I'd rather be doing. Let's just hope her mom treats us to good food and I'm cured.
Thank you wilson!!
Thank you wilson!!
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
Thank you, mandalee!
Though it would be good to just trust him and not worry, I can't just sit and wait patiently while he's out there with that girl. I don't know the girl. I can't say if she's trust worthy or not. No matter how loyal my boyfriend is, he is still a guy. If there is even the tiniest amount of feelings he has for her, I'd like to kill it immediately and not letting it grow.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
21 Dec 12
I really think that the right answer to this dilemma that your boyfriend in has to come down to trust. If you trust your boyfriend, you should tell him that he should do what he has to do. However, I can also honestly say that if there is a somewhat broken trust in your relationship, then I can completely see why you wouldn't want your boyfriend to act as a tour guide for this friend of his.
For me, my husband and I have a lot of trust in our relationship and therefore I don't get upset when he hangs out with female friends of his and he doesn't get upset when I hang out with male friends of mine.
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
Yeah trust. Even when I think they are not doing anything wrong, my evil mind is too selfish to accept it like that and wants stir things up until it's satisfied. Does that make sense?? It's like a defense mechanism. I don't fully understand either, if you have not noticed all my words and replies are inconsistent! My mind and my heart are saying different things!!
He never cheated on me. Not that I know of anyway but I really believe he is not cheating, because he is very honest.
I trust him. But I despise the whole scenario. It's so annoying. But I just want to get it over with, see what happens and get back. My boyfriend and I are okay by the way.
It's weird how both of us work in this relationship. We can't stay mad at each other forever, or longer than a few minutes.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
21 Dec 12
I know how you felt the first time you knew about this. But I guess, you have to trust your boyfriend on this. Let him guide his friend and mother when they come and also let your boyfriend tell to his friend that his being friendly only means he wants her to just be a friend and that he already has a girlfriend. Maybe it would be best, too if he introduces you to the mother and daughter.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
21 Dec 12
Why would you let yourself think about it and make yourself feel terrible when you can ask your boyfriend to tag you along with them. Come on, why suffer thinking when you can feel better if you'd meet them.
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
21 Dec 12
Well he hasn't made the decision yet but he said that he will likely guide them. I'd rather be there.... so they can free me to some food to and maybe help out. Maybe I just hate the fact that there are things I can't be aware of.
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
21 Dec 12
I can't do anything about it. I opt not to do anything. My boyfriend has to make his own decisions. Maybe I will feel better if I know the mother and daughter. Though I doubt my boyfriend even thought of that.
I guess, if he goes on with the plan, I will come with him and observe.
@subhojit10 (7375)
• India
21 Dec 12
Thanks a ton for sharing this discussion. Well i can understand your situation very well and i think it is fair enough for u to behave this way. While some might call this as your childishness or possessiveness but i would call true love for your partner. I mean when u are with a girl already what is the necessity to be in the company of another girl. That clearly speaks that he is not interested in you and in the present relationship. So try to confront him personally and sort out every thing before it turns ugly for u.
What say?
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
21 Dec 12
I believe he loves me but I want to strengthen that love using this situation.
I can't say he is cheating. But he is only friends with that girl, I can sense the sincerity in the voice. I know he is not doing wrong by keeping his word but would he risk our relationship for that?
He wants to keep his word, but he doesn't want to be with the girl because he knows it will upset me. that is what he told me.
My heart believes. My mind is unconvinced. My heart and mind are almost always in disagreement, this is what complicates me.
Thank you for taking time to visit and respond to my discussion, subho!
1 person likes this
@cobalt20 (1318)
• Philippines
21 Dec 12
Aja, just trust your bf and do not be worry. I know he still loves you and you love him.
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
21 Dec 12
I don't know really. I trust him but I hate the situation he got himself into.
@Lovegreen (376)
• Philippines
21 Dec 12
whew that was long Aja 
You said yourself that there is nothing wrong with his actions yet you're reacting like that? Are you insecure or what, he will just be a tour guide don't be so jealous 
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
21 Dec 12
Yeah, I know that look. I am a bit insecure, so what do I do about it? I can't help how I feel. I despise the feeling.
@Lovegreen (376)
• Philippines
21 Dec 12
just let him do what he promised. after that he's all yours right 
@paulusrasa (1)
•
22 Dec 12
do you have another friends? did you hang out with them? did you tell yous boyfriend when you and your friends plan to hang out? If you trust him, trust without disappoint...
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
I wouldn't mind him with other girls.
But this girl stands out in particular. He keeps talking about her and bringing her up in our conversations. Suspicious ain't it?
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 13
why don't you just go with them and show them around as a couple, that way he can keep his promise, but you send a message to the girl and the mother that you are together.
@Christoph56 (1504)
• Canada
21 Dec 12
I can not believe you're so worried about this, and you'll stake your whole relationship on your boyfriend helping out an old friend and her Mom. Firstly, do you seriously think that something will happen when they're around a Mom? That doesn't happen, that's just plain crazy. Second, obviously don't love or trust your boyfriend, because if he loved you, then there's no way he would ever cheat on you or do anything like that. Why would he? He would know that if anything happened between him and the other girl, then that would be messing things up with you two.
But if you tell him that you're going to break up with him just because he's going to be showing this girl and her Mom around the city, then you are a heartless girlfriend. If you don't trust him enough, then obviously you don't love him, so you might as well get out and stop wrecking things.
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
I'm not staking the whole relationship. I'm only saying it to test to what extent he will keep such promises to a friend. Sometimes I have this mean desire to see him in a certain situation and want to see how he comes through.
If he goes with the girl with my initial suspicions it would also upset me and I wouldn't feel like talking to him afterwards, just to get back at him. But then I probably wouldn't do that also because it's plain stupid. After thinking it through I just want to see what happens next and just stop feeling so annoyed.
No. I don't suspect they would be doing anything. I'm jealous because this friend is special to him. Maybe cause he doesn't have many friends who are girls so I'm not used to it.
You are right, I can do all that and be heartless. I can be heartless, but I just can't bring myself to do it, you know.
LOL, I haven't wrecked anything yet. I don't think I'll be able to either. I was merely testing him and letting him know the grave feelings I have. Often when I have let them out they disappear and I regain control again. I know it's an awful method, but that's the terrible thing about me.
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
thank you manasha. I know those that is why I am very critical too, because I want to investigate this case further. It's rude but I'm testing my boyfriend to see what he will do. I want to know how he acts in a certain situation.
Sometimes I wonder... my mind is skeptical about the whole incident and wants to look at this further. My heart believes in my boyfriend and has faith but is also insecure. I love him with both mind and heart. Is that weird?
@Shavkat (140102)
• Philippines
21 Dec 12
The idea of being with a woman is not a good idea. It is not acceptable, especially if there is some feelings involved. If your man insisted to go with her, then you need to think not twice but only once.
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
My boyfriend said that he doesn't want to go because of the girl. He is not interested in her in a romantic way. They're friends nothing more. He wants to keep his promise for being their tour guide because he wants to be a man of his word. It's really troublesome how my boyfriend can be such an idiot sometimes, getting into situations he doesn't like.
So far, that is all he said, I can't prove anything just through his words. So I have to see things for myself, maybe go with them if possible.
@mariaperalta (19073)
• Mexico
21 Dec 12
Im sure he loves you.. have you talked to him about this? Why are you not going as well? Have a merry xmas..........
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Dec 12
Yes, we talked about it the other night.
Hmm, I don't often go if I'm not invited. It's a rule I created for myself. But this time... if he really goes on with the tour, I'm going with him. For the fun of it.
@Morleyhunt (21744)
• Canada
29 Dec 15
He made a commitment. He should follow through. Would a third party buffer help you control your jealousy?
