Is your relationship a give and take one?
By Dominique25
@Dominique25 (9464)
United States
January 3, 2013 7:46am CST
I think that is how a good relationship should be. My relationship unfortunately isn't and I'm pretty sure that it is going to lead it's ending. My husband is always complaining no matter what I do.If I don't work outside the home he complains that I need to get a job to contribute more financially. If I do get a job then he complains that I'm not making anything because it all goes to gas and childcare.
He always expects me to be the one giving. He can take a program to help him buy his business, or he can go to college, or hanging out all night at the gym,play video games, or buy a brand new tv. He can do all those things because I'm the one who takes care of our child, and household responsibilities, and bills. But if I say that I want to do something then it's no because we don't have the money to pay childcare. Why can't he be willing to stay and watch our daughter? Why do we have to have her go to childcare when he's in a position to stay at home with her?
I calculated that it would cost us $400 a month for childcare if we were to go with the lowest rate available in our area. That is close to $5000.00 a year. That is how much money that many women save their family because they stay home and take care of their children. I have saved our family so much money. I just can't understand why he will not try and support me. There are things that I want to do. I want to go to college, I have goals just like them. But it's always about what he wants to do.
If he wants to move to another state, go to college for twelve years, or whatever I'm suppose to support him. But yet he will not even support me on one thing. He isn't willing to sacrifice HIS precious time so that I can go to college. It really does make me sick.
4 people like this
22 responses
@Cricket127 (548)
• United States
5 Jan 13
Hi! Are you in a position where you can sit down and really talk with your husband about what your needs and wishes are? Would he be willing to try you working to see what the benefits of it are? What kind of environment did he grow up in? Is there anyone that can help you with childcare that he is comfortable with so you don't have to pay $400 a month?
What I'm saying is that you may need to write things down (both the positive and negative and leave some room for variables) for both costs and what options you'll have after say 3-6 months--promotion chances? Would the companies help you in some way; work/life assistance, good chance of promotion, perhaps you can car pool on occasion? In the meantime, he has to carry his weight and be willing to help you as you both adjust to new schedules and demands.
It'll take time but if you both are committed or willing to make the adjustments, there is better chance of it working out and you'll both see the difference.
Best of luck!
2 people like this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
21 Jan 13
We keep talking about these things off and on. I have a feeling that we will continue to talk about them more. There needs to be changes in order for this relationship to succeed. He is willing to work on the areas that he needs to and I'm being patient about just waiting it out and seeing how things turn out.
Unfortunately there isn't anyone yet that can help with childcare. His family lives about 45 minutes away while my mother lives two hours away. But I'm keeping my eyes and ears open for an opportunity to find a good sitter. Thanks I will keep those things in mind. I appreciate it.
@derek_a (10874)
•
4 Jan 13
Yes, our relationship is a give and take relationship and I feel it really needs to be that way. Because what is the point of stopping a partner do what they want to do? They are not going to stop wanting it and may well end up with resentment about the situation. I would say that a powerful relationship is one of support from each partner. I realize that it is easier said than done though and other issues can come into a situation where children are concerned.
I was raised, like most men to be the main bread-winner and have often taken on two jobs to provide for my family in a previous relationship. Unfortunately, this wasn't seen as something that I was doing to get the best start and I was nagged at for being in work so much. This caused a lot of discontent and eventually we broke up. I don't blame anybody for that, it just happened, and I learned a lot about give and take. I think also that we need to have a good relationship with ourselves and learn to be content with ourselves, then that can make things a lot easier. 
_Derek
_Derek2 people like this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
4 Jan 13
Yeah a relationship should be give and take. It takes both partners feel good about the relationship. I completely agree with you about the resentment part coming into play. I feel a lot of resentment towards my husband. For the past three years I have stood by him and supported his decision to start a program that would help him buy a business. He has just finally bought it.
Now I think it is time for me to go to college since we have focused on his goals for that time period. But he says we can't afford the childcare but yet we can afford all the things he wants to do. Paying all the money for his business and the equipment and then later down the line he wants to try and go to medical school after taking premed. He plans to make all those things happen and yet he can't help make my goals happen.
Being content! I'm not content with myself or my relationship which is furthering my resentment. I'm a very independent and hard working. I wouldn't mind at all working full time and bringing home the bacon. I like to work.
I'm not a particular fan of having to stay at home. He could stay at home full time and I work. He knows how I feel so that should make him think "hey i should support her goals knowing that she wants a career that she enjoys." I hope that your current relationship is going well. Keep doing all the things you do to make your relationship strong.
@julyteen (13252)
• Davao, Philippines
4 Jan 13
That's ridiculous. I never treat my wife like that even I work away from her for our financial stability. Your husband find discrepancies from all your works everyday which is not good for the family. I think you need to talk to him what would be the problem why he acted like that to you inspite of everything you did for the whole family
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
4 Jan 13
I'm glad to hear that you treat your wife with love and respect. That is how it should be. It is hard to see why my husband acts this way when I do a lot for the family. The reason for this though is because he is honestly a selfish person. He only thinks about what he wants to do and just focuses on that. It's like he feels he doesn't have time to focus on anything that I want to do.
I hope that things will improve. If not though I hope to try and reach my goals on my own. I think it feels good to know that we have accomplished something we like to do. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it.
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
5 Jan 13
A good relationship must be give and take. This is the fair way to make the relationship strong and healthy. Decision must be made both of the husband and wife not the husband alone. If the husband have a plan or want to do to improve the lives of his family. He must talk first to his wife to get her opinion and if his wife agreed or oppose. They settle on what is the best thing to do...not force anyone to do this or do that.
Wife must always on the supportive side and the husband must always on fair side. This is the best thing I know to avoid anyone to get hurt or hurt the principles of both.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
21 Jan 13
I agree with you. It is definitely fair to do things this way. It shows consideration for the wife when the husband consults with her before making a decision. Compromising is important. It does a lot of good for the family. Both parts when handled properly works out the best for the family.
@mythociate (21432)
• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
3 Jan 13
I feel like we're not hearing his side of the story---that maybe he does something that takes a lot out of him, that maybe he's just a ... 'not good with kids'-person.
In any case, you DID marry `im. "He's your problem now!" 
No ... maybe you need some 'counselling.' And I don't mean 'some professional stranger,' I mean 'someone who's a friend to you both (possibly who knew you both before you were married), who can hear each of your "cases" and help you each understand where the other is coming-from.'
If you want to try to solve your problems yourselves, the question to constantly ask is 'Why?' Not "Why do you want to solve your problems," but more like 'Why are you doing that? And Why is that the way you learned it? And Why weren't you able to learn something else instead?' etc. until you get to the root cause of the problem.
No ... maybe you need some 'counselling.' And I don't mean 'some professional stranger,' I mean 'someone who's a friend to you both (possibly who knew you both before you were married), who can hear each of your "cases" and help you each understand where the other is coming-from.'
If you want to try to solve your problems yourselves, the question to constantly ask is 'Why?' Not "Why do you want to solve your problems," but more like 'Why are you doing that? And Why is that the way you learned it? And Why weren't you able to learn something else instead?' etc. until you get to the root cause of the problem.1 person likes this
@mythociate (21432)
• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4 Jan 13
How stressful is work? Do you ask him what happened at work? Do you tell him what happened at home? Do you TELL him to help out, -to take care of the daughter etc.?
It sounds like you're mothering him, so make him 'do chores'!
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
4 Jan 13
Honestly, I wouldn't mind if our lifestyle would have bee or would be recorded (without our knowledge of course) for a period of time. Then the proof would be there in action without me having to say a word. I'm a good wife and mother. I have been getting suggestions and counseling from different ones for the last couple of years.
Nothing changes except for the fact that I continue to waste my time taking care of him. He hasn't tried to do any type of improvement until recently when he has come to see that I'm fed up.
I keep the house in order, I have meals ready when he gets home, and I raise our daughter. I have supported his endeavors. I have considered moving to a different state so that he can go to medical school. I work when he suggest that I do. I don't when he says I shouldn't. I don't have friends over because he doesn't like us to have company. The only people who can come over and stay are his brothers.
His normal schedule is work, coming home eating, then going to the gym, and then playing video games until he goes to bed. He has never offered to watch our daughter so that I can have time to myself. I feel more like a mother to him than a wife. He lives the life of a bachelor except he has a wife to cook and clean up after him.
He says he will not divorce me. I feel the need to live my own life without taking care of a grown man. I do not want to look back on my life decades from now and see that all I did was strive to please my husband even though he did nothing for me. Yes I did marry him, he is my problem and every day I will work at dealing with it whether we stay married or not.
1 person likes this
@Arieles (2473)
• United States
4 Jan 13
He went to school for 12 years? What kind of college degree did he get? A PHD? Wow. That is selfish, especially since you are the one taking on all the household responsibilities. If you didn't do that he would have to start sharing the responsibilities at home.
You are right, any extra money you would make would go to gas and childcare, unless you take a part time job while he can stay home and watch the kids himself. It seems like the logical thing to do.
It does sound like you have saved your family so much money, and he doesn't see it that way? That's sad. You sound like you are very supportive of his wants and needs, and now it's your turn.
I am currently single, so right now it's just me and the kids. When I meet the love of my life, I will want a "give and take relationship" and I will support my spouse with his decisions as long as he is going to support me with mine.
2 people like this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
4 Jan 13
No, he hasn't went to college for that long but he really wants to. He wants to go four years to get his pre med classes done,then we would have to move to a different state for him to go four years for medical school, then four years for a residency program and then he would finally be a dermatologist.
First though he has spent the last couple of years in a program to buy a small business. He just purchased it and now he's hoping to get this going and maybe he will be able to start hiring workers so he can start working on his pre med program.
Since he is focusing on the business right now I think it would be a great time for me to get my associates degree. But he isn't willing to support me in my goal. It is definitely logical that he stay home and watch our daughter while I go to school.
I hope that when you meet the person you love that you will both support one another. It's not a hard thing to do and it really is a kind and caring act that shows love for one another. I hope that my husband will work on this.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
3 Jan 13
I hear you alright, my last relationship was all about give and take, I gave, my partner took, it was so one sided, they were so controlling, manipulative and cunning in their ways, I became trapped into an unloving, relationship where my partner was like yours, utterly and totally selfish. My friend you only get one shot at life, why be with someone like that? You deserve so much better, put yourself FIRST, look after YOU, you matter. Leave him to his own devices. If he can't put himself out for you then he ain't worth it. Don't let him stop you reaching your goals or enjoying life, he is clearly holding you back. I know it will be hard at first but you are strong enough to go it alone, you know it deep down, and so does he, it's just a pity he can't show it and meet your needs instead of selfishly expecting you to meet his needs 24/7.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
3 Jan 13
I'm sorry to hear that you were trapped in an unloving relationship as well. It is an awful way to live life. You are so right. Life is too short. That is one thing I have been thinking about lately. I have always been thinking to keep being a good wife, to do as much as I can for him and maybe some day he will try to do that for me.
I know that I do not want to look back on my life forty or more years from now and see that I spent decades only trying to please my husband and he still never does anything for me. Because I have already been doing things for a few years now with the way they are.
One thing that I don't get is "why" would a person treat someone who is good to them so bad. That just doesn't make sense to me. I know that I don't want to live my life like this so I'm working on saving the extra money I make online.
@artemeis (4194)
• China
5 Jan 13
I think there is something quite erroneous as far as mutuality between the both of you is concern. I agree that all relationships need BOTH parties to understand and exercise the meaning of give and take.
I can understand the frustrations you are having and I wonder if it is anything to do with exhaustion at your end where your continuing efforts of giving have gone unrequited and unappreciated. I am not saying that your husband or you is wrong but in a relationship when something is wrong, both parties are at fault. Both parties will need to sit down to talk and solve the problems together.
Clarity is important and both of you really need to have a heart to heart talk with each other. Communication is very needed here to arrive at an acceptable common ground for both parties. I think there's a real need for the both of you to address the frustrations and issues here. Victory is irrelevant , so be openly honest and leave no stones unturned to arrive at a place where the both of you can accept. At the same time, state a list of things you want to see taking place and cast in stone if you have to.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
21 Jan 13
I agree with a lot that you are saying. We are slowly working at things and I hope to see improvement. My husband has come to see that in a lot of ways he has not been doing the things he should be. Which has made me very frustrated and I'm about ready to call it quits.So he is actually working to do his part. Which I appreciate and we will see where things go.
@silverfox09 (4708)
• United States
3 Jan 13
Yeah thats how relationship should be a give and take and not just take take take ... Sorry to hear about the trouble you are now facing with your husband .
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
4 Jan 13
Yeah a person can only give so much. And it starts to build resentment if what they are doing isn't appreciated. Thanks. I just hope whatever happens that I will be able to pull through this ordeal alright.
@andy77e (5156)
• United States
4 Jan 13
Perhaps you should have a controlled separation. Move out of the home for a period of time, in hopes that this will wake him up.
It's also possible doing so will speed up the decline of the relationship. In either case, it's your best shot at saving the crumbling relationship.
Be strong in your stance, but don't be "hard" on him. ...yet.
It's possible that he simply doesn't understand what married life is. Unfortunately many boys grow up without a decent father figure that shows them what being married is all about. It's possible he simply does not understand.
Unfortunately, a women does not have the ability to "talk" it into him. You can example 24 hours a day, and he'll never get it because you are simply not a man. You have to communicate with actions, more than words. Which is why I advocate a controlled separation.
I would also highly advise you to meet with a marriage counselor, and the pastor of your local church. This is not something you can do successfully on your own.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
21 Jan 13
Thanks I appreciate your help. I agree with you that I think if things continue to get a worse a controlled separation could be our last option. We have had counseling sessions and now he is having a private session once a week with our friend and the person who married us. So hopefully those man conversations will do a lot to help be a better husband and I will continue to work on being a good wife.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
4 Jan 13
I feel the same as well, sometimes. And if I point it out to him, it will only lead to an argument which I really hate. So just to have peace in the house, I just do whatever I can...to keep the family intact and to keep my sanity. It is hard to be telling him over and over again that even though we are married, I still have my own life that I should be dealing with. But well, it goes to deaf ears.
When can we say, "enough is enough"?
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
4 Jan 13
Yeah it is hard to know when enough is enough. I agree with you I get tired of arguing with my husband about all of this. I wish he would just take the time to sit and think about me. About what I would like to do instead of only thinking about himself. Honestly, he really is a selfish person. I hate the fact that I'm going to have to leave him, take my daughter with me (not that she wouldn't be able to see him, he's a good day), and be out of his life, before he realizes what I really mean about all this.
Right now he's at this stage where he thinks I will never leave him, and he says he will never divorce me. I think he needs a bachelor's life without a wife cleaning and cooking up after him for him to appreciate me. He has to completely lose me before he can see how valuable I'm to him. Which is truly sad.
@tshihmin2 (186)
• Malaysia
4 Jan 13
In relationship, you really need a lot of give and take. Only then it can last for a very long time. It doesn't matter husband or wife will be giving in more. I understand that it can be very painful for the person who is giving in. He or she had to put in a lot of tolerance and patience. Of course, he or she must not be too much, only want to take and don't want to give in. It can be very not fair for the one who always had to give in. I feel sorry for you in that situation. I agree that your husband should take care of your daughter. It really can save a lot of money for these days childcare is also can be costly.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
4 Jan 13
Yes childcare is very costly. I'm hoping that he will work to help me with my goals. I have supported him with the things that he has wanted to do. He has had the freedom to do them because I do everything else. So he should want to help me reach my goals. He has been working towards his business goal for the last few years. Now that there is some what of a pause I hope that I can work on my goals now.
@ccmacarayan (188)
• Philippines
4 Jan 13
First off, a husband's responsibility is to provide for the family. Traditionally, the wife stays at home and take care of the household. It has only come to the point where the wife also takes on a job in cases where the husband does not earn enough to support the family or in certain cases---when she's standing up for woman's lib. Anyway, whatever the case maybe, any relationship is a two-way traffic where both sides get the best out of. A one sided relationship can never prosper. However, if there is still love in your heart, it is something worth saving. Have you tried counseling already?
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
4 Jan 13
I agree with you that a relationship should be a two way street. Both individuals should be able to reach their goals in some way. We are in the process of counseling. We have had our couple's counseling and now he is on personal counseling that will help him to be a better husband. I really do hope that he will apply what he is learning so that he will do better in those regards.
@misjoseph (162)
•
4 Jan 13
Well this relationship is not balance it sounds like you are putting all the inputs in the that one. your husband is also no fair why does he want you to support him and he is not willing to support you as well. one hand cannot clap....
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
4 Jan 13
It sad to see this happen to our relationship. I never imagined our relationship would be this way. It is completely unbalanced. It so hard to see that he does not support my goals. It has taken me awhile to see what is really happening.
He would always say that the reason that he doesn't offer to watch our child is because i have no interest. That is such a lie and that in itself hurt my feelings so much. He really tears me down. I have a lot that I would like to do he just isn't willing to support me in doing them by staying with our daughter.
It is such a simple thing that I ask of him and he makes it seem like I'm asking him to do some unreasonable thing. I'm just overwhelmed with frustration.
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
3 Jan 13
I agree with others, your husband sounds like he is being very selfish and unfair. I think counseling is needed for him to change his ways or for you to go your separate ways, whichever comes first...
I would hope counseling will let him see his wrong ways of how he is acting. Sometimes people just don't see themselves and what their doing. Maybe an outsider can do this for him, help him see where he makes mistakes in the marriage...I hope so for both of you and your marriage!
I hate to see anyone so unhappy and hurting so much. =( 
1 person likes this
@rjschultz68 (387)
•
3 Jan 13
There definitely needs to be give and take in a relationship and it seems to me that your partner is behaving very unreasonably. I often bite my lip when my wife watches her tv programmes while when I, quite rarely, watch what I want to see she talks all the way through it! She denies this or sees my choices as somehow less important.I find this insulting and a little demeaning. It might not seem like a big thing but it can spread like a cancer in the relationship. I saw a counsellor for depression some time ago and,although our relationship was not the primary cause of me seeking treatment, it was a recurring theme in the discussions. My wife has now made more of an effortand I have been coscious of my negative traits too. I think that even more progress could have been made if we had attended joint sessions with a relationship counsellor. Maybe it is worth a try for you? It may help your partner face up to his unjust demands and responsibilities. I wish you well -I hate to see relationships break down, especially where children are affected by the fallout.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
3 Jan 13
I'm glad to hear that you were able to seek counseling and that you have seen improvement in both of you. Was she unwilling to go to couple's counseling? We have had some sessions of counseling. Now that the holidays are over my husband will be having more private session since the counselor sees the need for him to have some more on his own.
I hope that this will help and that my husband will make an effort to apply the counsel that is given him. Because he is really way off balance and is causing me to want to end our marriage. Marriages falling apart is sad but it is also sad for those individuals who live with a person for decades and never get the support they deserve. I do not want that to be the case with me.
@kokomo (1867)
• Philippines
4 Jan 13
I think you are facing such a very difficult situation right now. I think you are a martyr one. In the very first place, your husband should be responsible enough to take care for you and your child and support you financially, morally, emotionally and mentally. You should not be the one who is responsible to send him to college. He is the head of the family so he should be the one who is really care for your situation right now and in trouble. You must talk to him and raise your concerns and I think if it doesn't work better to separate with him.
1 person likes this
@echo060201 (540)
• China
3 Jan 13
It is unfair that you sacrifice so much to the family but your husband cannot support you. I think you need to face the reality that he only cares about himself. It will be a wise decision if you want to end it, just be brave, you can live and you deserve a better life.
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
22 Jan 13
Thanks so much. I appreciate your thoughts. I do agree that it is time for me to face that reality. That he is a selfish person and that he will only change when he sees the need too or when it is too late. I deserve better that is exactly right.It has taken me along time to see this.
@Jennlee3 (292)
• United Kingdom
3 Jan 13
This is an extremely unfair situation you find yourself in. Relationships are ideally supposed to include balance, mutual respect, and unconditional support. As you stated, it needs to be a give and take situation. As you both have a child together and financial responsibilities, you will both need to make sacrifices and compromises. One person can not be getting their way all the time while the other one gives up everything. That will lead to resentment as it seems to have with your relationship. I think you need to communicate this to your husband if he wants to work it out because you both need to be having your needs met in this relationship, not just one of you, it's unfair.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
22 Jan 13
I agree with you. I have now come to know that relationships should be better than this. Yes, one person making all the sacrifices has lead me to resent my husband. I'm hoping that we will be able to get through this rough time. He doesn't want our relationship to end or to for me to go. He knows that his life is good and he is going to try and work at giving consideration to what I want.
@Sureoi (176)
• Philippines
3 Jan 13
That's sad to hear from you my friend. Just keep on the patience, please hold on for your daughter. Don't let your daughter grow up without a father. Try to say no sometimes to your husband and let him realize that, it is painful if your love ones doesn't support you. And keep on the faith! :)
1 person likes this
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
22 Jan 13
I will continue to have patience. I do hope that it will pay off. As it seems I have been patient for along time already. But I will keep hanging in there for a little while longer. Our daughter is one of the main reasons I'm still hanging on. Even if we did separate or get a divorce her father would still always be a part of her life.
