I just can’t understand a friend…..
By namiya
@namiya (1718)
Philippines
January 18, 2013 11:53pm CST
Every time we meet she doesn't run out of topic about her husband’s womanizing. Much as I want to empathize with her but honestly I could not but strive not to show it for I too get stressed out hearing similar stories though happening in various occasions about the pains she is experiencing from her husband’s escapades. She kept on asking for the right thing to do but I told her that only she and her children (who are now teenagers) should talk and decide between themselves for the right actions to take to bring back harmony and unity in their home and life. Seeking other people’s opinion may help but it is not proper to base her decision on other people’s suggestion as they are the ones involve and experiencing these. What if she applied an action based on someone’s decision and it fails? Most probably she will get back and blame that person for ruining her and her children’s life. What I find difficult to understand is her endless complaining but she seems adamant or I think afraid is a more fitting description to take definite action to put a stop to her sufferings. She want someone to suggest a “guaranteed” solution which is impossible for every action has its risk that the action maker has to face and be ready to accept. Co mylotters she is a neighbor and almost every week she updates me about this subject.
1 person likes this
11 responses
@teotimoponcerosacena (1551)
• Philippines
19 Jan 13
Actually you just don't notice, she was already doing the unity she was seeking. She can't changed her husband attitude on womanizing but she was able to withstand trials with her children who are now teenagers. Seeking opinion is just a delaying tactics meaning buying times. She is becoming older. The life span of a person is limited and what she is doing already consumed part of her life time. Later, on in so doing, what? she is seeking is no longer of issue, for she will be older and the priority will be changed to survival. If I was her I think I will just enjoy life with my children who are now teenagers.
1 person likes this
@namiya (1718)
• Philippines
19 Jan 13
Yes teo, you are right. This is the best she could do if she can't afford to live without her husband and prefers an intact family. I've advise her too to strive to live and enjoy life with her children and train herself to be unaffected by the blatant attitude of her husband. However, this advice is easy to say but very difficult to do if one is in her shoes.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
19 Jan 13
What she really needs now is a therapist to calm her down. It is really best to talk to a person who can best handle such situations. The question here is not just the solution to his husband's womanizing, but also a solution on how to make herself feel "whole"again.
@namiya (1718)
• Philippines
19 Jan 13
Her two children except the youngest wants separation from their father in defense for their mother and perhaps to make their father realize the effect of his actions but my friend is ambivalent on what to do for I think despite her comments she still deeply love her husband. She's now involve in church activities and it has somewhat calmed her down.
@namiya (1718)
• Philippines
19 Jan 13
It's not only me who had observed her stubbornness for even her sister, eldest son and only daughter want her to leave her husband or refer the matter to proper channels for an amicable settlement but she is not making any tangible action. There were times that out mixed feelings of uncontrolled annoyance and compassion that I almost scolded her and told her that unless she makes a firm stand, execute an action to put a halt to her sufferings from her husband's actions and be brave to face the consequences she should fortify herself to be a martyr for life and refrain from complaining for her husband's abuses.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
19 Jan 13
Involving herself with church activities may have somehow calm her down. But has she solved her husband's womanizing? Has she done anything to make his husband realize his mistakes? Has she done any step to make their marriage better?
I have nothing against church activities, but if that is all the she does, she is not solving her marriage problem at all but just make herself believe that everything would just fall in its proper place without having to do anything.
@namiya (1718)
• Philippines
22 Jan 13
I am trying to be patient with her for I know how it felt having been in that same situation years ago. What annoys me is her inaction that is maybe encouraging further abuses from her husband. I am hoping that she will muster enough courage to put an end to her sufferings that had gone on for years.
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
21 Jan 13
I never talk about my ex-hus womanizing or ask opinion from other people on what to do with our life.
I made my decision from what I feel and what I think is the right thing to do.
After many years of forgiving and giving my ex- a chance (still he keeps cheating on me) I decided to call it quits.
Now I am free and happy with my decision (I should have done it before)
Yes, I agree- some words of comfort from friends and family is good in situation like that (your friend's situation)
'But asking other's advice and relying on them is not good.
Maybe try to tell your friend that if all she need to do right now is ACTION- and not asking others opinion and saying the same thing repeatedly.
@namiya (1718)
• Philippines
22 Jan 13
Several people including her two children had been talking to her about this but it seems without effect and this is why I can't understand what she want's to do with her life. We had a similar experience jaiho and I am now happily living with just my children and is thankful I made that decision years ago for it had totally untied me from physical and mental tortures.
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
19 Jan 13
-sigh- The needy friends we have in our life. Some are just too needy if you ask me.
I think along the same lines as you are. You don't have to force yourself to understand. i think that just by listening to her all the time, you are doing her a great favor with your patience.
We can also understand why she wants a guaranteed solution to this. That's pretty hard to come by. She can listen to other people's advice but the way she is now, you can't be too careless and give her an advice she might regret doing if it fails and blames it on you in the end.
She'll have to come up with a solution herself or ask someone else who has gone through the same problem in the past and has overcome that problem.
She ought to know that she might have to go by 'trial and error' in this case in finding the appropriate solution.
If I had a husband like that, I think I'd just ignore the husband, focus on myself and the kids. I just have to make sure my husband is still providing us financial help and the attention and support the kids need.
@namiya (1718)
• Philippines
19 Jan 13
One reason why I think she pours these out on me is that I had been in this situation before but had successfully come out of it. However, there is no assurance that what I did may have the same result on her. She has to weigh circumstances and decide by herself and with her children what action would be more beneficial for all of them.
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
22 Jan 13
I see. I think she talked to the right person. Maybe telling her how you handled yourself before with a similar problem will help her find her own solutions?
@binaybbsr1 (375)
• India
19 Jan 13
You are very right that no one should advice for a family problem, at least, if that leads to any sort of separation. You can only try to find out the best reason of their living together in spite of all odds. It may be related to money or prestige/ image. In some cases, both persons of a family are busy in their own personal life/s, but they try to blame each other time to time. These types of persons are mostly indecisive in nature. They can adjust themselves in all odd positions and always try to find out an outer way to keep them happy. In all these cases, its wise to find their interest as i have told above. Then try to convince them that there is nothing wrong in living this type of life as you are getting all these. eg. money or image or even outside relation etc. These types of persons always wants to draw attention as they need sympathy all the time. Just enjoy by giving her advice. Dont get involved.
@namiya (1718)
• Philippines
20 Jan 13
yes binaybbsr i had made it clear to her that it should be her decision not someone else. I just hope that she will come to her senses soonest so as not only to relieve herself but also the people around her who are affected by her problem most specially her children.
@jalucia (1431)
• United States
19 Jan 13
It sounds like your friend wants someone else to act on her situation, rather than acting on it herself. I would just listen to her, give her one line of response like, "That's horrible," and change the subject. I know women who will talk about men in their lives for years, but never get rid of them. No one can do this for them. When they really feel to, they will leave.
@41CombedaleRoad (5954)
• Greece
19 Jan 13
It sounds to me as though your friend enjoys the drama that her husband puts into her life with his womanising. If it really upset her she would leave him even if it was a hard thing to do. If my husband was unfaithful I would not want to spread the news around, it would be too humiliating, but she seems to thrive on it.
At some point you need to change her record, change the subject even if you have to be abrupt about it. This behaviour has now become a habit will continue to upset you unless you take steps to bring it to an end.
@namiya (1718)
• Philippines
20 Jan 13
That's precisely the reason why I can't understand her. She kept on complaining but it's obvious that she couldn't leave him. I also know it is not for financial reasons for she and her children are working hand in hand to provide for their needs for this is the least of her husband's concern. Problem is, if her husband shows a little meekness she easily softens. As of now they seem to be good again but expect a week or two and it would be back to problematic scenario again. Despite my annoyance at her stubborn stand however, I can't be completely rude to her specially when I see her crying.
@rizzaspeaks (391)
• Philippines
19 Jan 13
If she's asking your opinion, tell her first that you can only base your opinion on her story and not on their story and that she should not blame you if you give an advice. It is her choice to follow it or not.
If she really wants an advice, tell her "if you are willing to stay inside your house after being aware of your husband's womanizing, then stick with the routine of having that pain over and over again..but if you can't bear the thought of thinking him with the other women, go separate ways. Now if you want to give him 2nd chance, give him. If your 2nd chance in your relationship doesn't work, no need to act a fool."
In the end of your conversation tell her "Everything I've said were merely my opinion, the decision is still on you so don't ever try to blame me 'coz we don't have the same story. Now, if you want to spend our whole day stressing ourselves over men's infidelity, soon enough we would have heart diseases and I don't think your husband will even care"
@namiya (1718)
• Philippines
19 Jan 13
I've told her over and over again that she just have to choose between having an intact family and be a martyr all her life or, be away from her husband, take charge of her children, suffer for sometime but with the possibility of healing as time passes on but she has to make the choice based on her own volition and not by someone else. She has already given her husband not only a 2nd but a countless chance to no avail. Imagine she discovered this when the youngest is barely two years old and is now graduating in high school
. We became neighbors when we transferred here five years ago but I learned about this more than a year ago when she tried getting close to me. Her two older children except the youngest are in favor of separation as they too had somehow lost respect for their father hence maybe her irresolute stand plus the love for her husband which is obviously taken for granted by him. I've even told her upfront that if you could not live without your husband then take him as he is be a heart of stone and stop complaining just to bring her to her senses.
. We became neighbors when we transferred here five years ago but I learned about this more than a year ago when she tried getting close to me. Her two older children except the youngest are in favor of separation as they too had somehow lost respect for their father hence maybe her irresolute stand plus the love for her husband which is obviously taken for granted by him. I've even told her upfront that if you could not live without your husband then take him as he is be a heart of stone and stop complaining just to bring her to her senses.
@edvc77 (2140)
• Philippines
19 Jan 13
It is really hard for your friend to have that problem. Just keep on listening to her and make a way that she can forget her husband at the moment or just simply say, "let's forget your husband and have a good time at the moment," when you find it stressful already. Your friend really needs you at the moment and pray for her too. Anyway what are friends for.
@namiya (1718)
• Philippines
19 Jan 13
That is usually what I do, listen to her for I know how she felt for I had been in the same situation years ago and I think this is the reason why she pours out her heart on me. Often times I turn it into a joke to lighten the mood. However as I see it she has to make a stand now to put an end to this but she has to decide it for herself and not someone else.
@CarraC (69)
• Canada
19 Jan 13
Alot of the times friends come to us for advice and they don't use the advice we give. I often wonder why they ask for advice in the first place. Coming to you over and over could be very frustrating considering the fact that you already gave your take and your possible solution. I know that feeling. What can I say? Be her friend and listen ti the same story another couple hundred times. Until she's ready for change, nothing will happen. She need to stop blaming other people and start blaming herself and her husband.
@namiya (1718)
• Philippines
20 Jan 13
I had to admit that there are times that I just pretend to be listening to her out of pity for her plight while occupying myself with whatever task I had to accomplish at the time. And when she seemed to have calm down I divert the conversation to lighter topic as there seems to be no more use for an advise.
