Needing advice about my husband PLEASE
By kitana710
@kitana710 (53)
February 9, 2013 9:30am CST
Here's my dilemma: My husband and I have been married for 3 years. During this time we've been together for a year and half due to the military. So during this time that we've actually lived in the same house together he's continually invited people (his family or friends) to live in our home (saying that it'd help us pay our mortgage). Mind you, we don't have a problem with paying our bills, it's just that he wants to save money. But we've never actually saved money with these people living with us. The housemates who have stayed here ALWAYS have issues with paying their bills!!! I was told they'd pay this or that and it'd turn into the next month and the next. NOt only this, but obviously we've had domestic issues, like not cleanning up after themselves or bringing "hood rats" over the house. We have an 18 month old and the people they bring over and the things they do does affect the way I think about what I allow around my daughter. I've been offended a couple of times as well by some of the things that were said as well and if it were up to me they'd be out just like that regardless of their unfortunate financial situations. You don't bit the hand that feeds you, right?
I've discussed it numerous times with my husband about not inviting anyone else into our home as well as getting the current ones out. Clearly he's not in favor of this. I've even tried to just compromise by saing I'd get my own place. I know that doesn't seem like a compromise but I don't plan on divorcing him even if I moved out. We have different styles of living and he's stated that he likes having a whole bunch of people in the home. I'm the total opposite. I've worked very hard to have my own things and don't appreciate walking on eggshells, being lied to, or offended by people in my own home. I love husband. And I'm one of those people who aren't trying to change my partner into someone they're not, but I also can't continue living like this. It's made me very angry, anti-social, and resentful.
If ANYONE has advice PLEASE don't hesitate to reply. Thanks!
2 people like this
6 responses
@toxic_lifestyle (1213)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
Well I guess you and your husband should talk about this thing again. Because it was really a family matter that only the two of you could settle this issue. :)
1 person likes this
@Raine38 (12250)
• United States
9 Feb 13
Well if talking won't do any good, maybe you should start to talk matters into your own hands. Do you earn your own money? If yes and I were in your situation, I would move out and rent my own apartment. I would still let him support me and our baby of course but I will put my foot down and I will think of my kid's welfare first before his or mine. If he doesn't want to go with me, fine he can stay in that house and be around those people because clearly his family isn't his priority. Sorry but at this point, the kid is still so young and would need my full attention and be my priority. I won't have time to even power about my marriage or his issues or mine, my kid's welfare will come first period. I will engage the help and support of my family if need be but until my husband starts learning how to compromise and what being a family man and a father entails from him, he will never see me nor our kid in our own house.
@kitana710 (53)
•
9 Feb 13
Yes I do make my own money, in fact I pay the mortgage so everyone pretty much stays in the house for free. They pay some of the utility bills but obviously that isn't the same as rent.
@kitana710 (53)
•
9 Feb 13
We have discussed this and we're at a standstill. That's kinda why I was asking if anyone else had any other ideas.
1 person likes this
@Kashmeresmycat (6369)
• United States
9 Feb 13
I don't understand his way of thinking. If it's not helping you pay for anything, then why do it. He doesn't seem to be taking your feelings into consideration and that would drive me crazy.
They certainly don't sound like the kind of people I would have wanted around my children when they were younger and they would be a priority for me, especially if you've been offended like you mentioned. That's a no-no, period.
I really don't know what to tell you other than I probably would get my own place, which you also mentioned. I understand you're not trying to change your husband...you're just trying to change a situation which is uncomfortable for you as you already said you're getting angry, anti-social, and resentful. Not good for you or the children.
Maybe someone will come up with a better answer than I can because I'm at a loss here. He seems very stubborn and unattentive to you.
1 person likes this
@kitana710 (53)
•
9 Feb 13
Thanks Kashmeres... I'll at least be looking for another place soon.
2 people like this
@Kashmeresmycat (6369)
• United States
9 Feb 13
That's so sad. I wish I could have helped you more with a better answer, but I really can't come up with one and I was hoping someone else could. I can't say that I blame you though for wanting to move out.....I don't know of any other alternative to this. 
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
9 Feb 13
hikitana I think its past time to talk it over again with him. find another place then start moving your things and tell him you are takingt a hiatus with him ands take your child or children with you. He might change if shocked into it. But from here it looks like
a Mexican stand off. If he still refuses to kick them out then I think you have come to the p[arting of the ways. His ways or your daughter.shame on him.
@kitana710 (53)
•
9 Feb 13
Thanks Hatley. I just hate to use her as pawn in our marital problems. I find it difficult to say I'll just take her and leave because he DOES love our daughter. He's a good father in that respect. And I couldn't do that to my daughter either. She adores him and I feel like just taking her out of the house would get extremely ugly.
@angelwithkids (1256)
• United States
10 Feb 13
I'm the opposite here. Just until last week, I've had roommates in our house for almost 2 years. The house is in your, his name or both?? I'd be telling everyone that they have 30 days to get out or be throwed out! I've had certain people try to tell me how to act in my own house, and I let it be known right off the bat....THIS IS MY HOUSE...THESE ARE MY RULES...DON'T LIKE IT?....DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU WHERE THE GOOD LORD SPLIT YOU!! Take control of your surroundings. Don't like the drinking/smoking/foul language....make it a rule. ALL SMOKING, DRINKING FOUL LANGUAGE OUTSIDE! They're not paying their fare share of all the house bills....they don't get a say what the rules are. Again, if they don't like...hit they highway!! YOU have to take care of a child....THEY don't. HIT THE ROAD! I wouldn't let anyone run me out of my house.....I made them run off!
@redredrose (1105)
• United States
16 Feb 13
angel i have had people living in my house as well and they have told me what to do and ordered me around in my home. I kicked them out and told hubby after the fact because he wouldn't kick them out or make them clean or pay rent or anything. So i kicked them out. Maybe she can do that as well. Glad i saw your comment because i remembered that i had people living with me i kicked out before. had forgotten all about that. Well i hope this helps.
@redredrose (1105)
• United States
16 Feb 13
The only other thing i can think of for you to do besides get your own place is go to counseling. Get an opinion from someone else. Or talk to your husband again. I wish you all the best with this situation and wish i could be of more help to you, but i really don't know what else to say. Wish you didn't even have to think of getting your own place but maybe if you do your husband will see what he's doing isn't good for you your daughter or the marriage and he might come around. I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us up to date on this and if i can come up with anything else to help i will let you know. have a great day.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
9 Feb 13
Well I think maybe just one more time you should talk with him about the issue and if he still doesn't want to change anything about it then you should take the next steps and let him know what the next step is. Which in your case would be moving into another place and he can have the home to himself and the people that he allows to stay over. Have you let him know that you are looking out for the safety of your child and that letting all these people in who seem to invite other people into your home that is putting the baby in danger. Have you talked to him about that see what he says. But basically if he seems to not reason with you then hun you do what you have to do and be sure to let him know about it. Maybe then he won't like the idea of you and the baby living somewhere else and then he'd want to reason with you and stop inviting people over or maybe even set some house rules when people come for a stay that they can't bring other people into the home. Good luck.
@kitana710 (53)
•
9 Feb 13
Thanks Trisha! I appreciate your advice. We haven't actually discuss that certain topic and I'm glad you brought that to my attention. Thanks again!
