Why Don&#39;t they Divorce?

celticeagle

@celticeagle (166761)

• Boise, Idaho

23 Apr 13

Poor little fellow. That is so sad.

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

23 Apr 13

Oh yes - the guilt that children suffer is awful. My Gs felt that his parents broke up as he was a bad boy

Took me a while for him to get out of that notion

3 people like this

Hopefull90

@Hopefull90 (921)

• United States

23 Apr 13

Many women don't divorce because they have no way of supporting themselves little lone their children. My sister was able to raised her two boys on her own so she got a divorce. I insisted that my girls learn a trade so they could support themselves. It was a good thing because they haven't found anyone they wanted to marry yet.

3 people like this

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

23 Apr 13

I am glad that your sister raised the children on her own. You are right - women stay because they cannot do anything to help themselves and so they have to stay

2 people like this

carmelanirel

@carmelanirel (20942)

• United States

22 Apr 13

Interesting that you started this Cythiann, I was going to start something on this topic when I had more time. One case where divorce is a must is when the spouse and/or children are in danger. My sister finally left her husband, but not until almost 30 years and 8 kids later and though I would never want to not have my nieces and nephews born, I wish she never married the guy. He was very abusive and even went after me once, that shows how messed up he was..

1 person likes this

carmelanirel

@carmelanirel (20942)

• United States

22 Apr 13

Yeah, I keep thinking if I could have made leave him in the beginning, (but her being 12 years older than I, I didn't see how bad it was until I was an adult) and even if she did leave sooner, then my most favorite niece, (the youngest) would not be here. So I have a glad she waited, but also I wish she left sooner, because that could be why her older kids are so messed up, living under all that fear had to be tough on them..

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

23 Apr 13

It is how we are socialized when young that affects us as adults. I lived out my childhood being scared and it so affected me. I am still fearful at times

1 person likes this

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

22 Apr 13

Definitely if someone is in danger. How terrible for your sister and thank G*d she did it finbally.

1 person likes this

TheRealDawn

@dawnald (85146)

• Shingle Springs, California

22 Apr 13

I often wondered why my parents didn't divorce. Things kind of went south in their marriage when I was still in elementary school, and it was pretty miserable until I was in college or so. For some years, they seem to have worked it out again, but it was never the same as the early years. Mom was depressed, and not good at dealing with children (not after we passed the cute toddler stage, anyway), and dad was often absent at work and pursuing a master's degree. Later, it went south again, and mom was always so hard on him. She was incredibly kind to other people, even taking them in when they were down and out, but she would never cut my dad any slack. There was some infidelity there, and she stayed because she loved him, but I really wonder if they wouldn't have been better off splitting. Mom was also very difficult to live with. But like my sister said when I was going through issues in my own marriage, nobody really knows what goes on inside a marriage unless they're in it. People choose to stay or go for their own reasons, right or wrong, and who are we to judge?

1 person likes this

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

22 Apr 13

I agree with you wholeheartedly dawn. Who are we to judge? Only the two people inside a marriage really know the truth.

2 people like this

carmelanirel

@carmelanirel (20942)

• United States

22 Apr 13

That's right Dawn, who are we to judge?

1 person likes this

TheRealDawn

@dawnald (85146)

• Shingle Springs, California

22 Apr 13

That's right, judging is Andy's job.

1 person likes this

Uncle Jay, Finding More Value in Your Machine

@mythociate (21432)

• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

23 Apr 13

A lot of times people don't get married to people because of "love." They get married to ease their parents' minds that they are now accounted-for by someone (so the parents don't have to worry so much). People generally get married to someone they 'wouldn't mind having to spend the rest of their lives with.' It's sad that you really believe your parents weren't happy with each other. I think they just weren't happy that they couldn't be perfect for each other ... that they couldn't change instantly without the 'iron sharpening iron' of nagging-etc.

2 people like this

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

23 Apr 13

They were a total misfit. I grew up never knowing that perent's shared a bedroom and when I found out this was the norm I was horrified. My mother hated my father and consequently despised me because I looked like him

2 people like this

maxfashioned

@maxfashioned (188)

•

23 Apr 13

I am the woman you are describing. It is scary. I am worried that if I were to divorce I might regret it. I am not abused but am not really happy either. I am content with my lifestyle and I love having 24 hr access to my kids. What if We divorced and.. I couldn't afford housing, food, clothes? What if my kids chose their fathers 'side' and they were angry with me? I have seen dads who only get their kids everyother weekend and when they do they totally spoil them with junk food, shopping, and going some place fun and expensive while the mom is scraping by with all the day to day to do's. Is it selfish to divorce while content but wondering if this is as good as it gets?

2 people like this

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

23 Apr 13

It is scary as it is a mega life change. I also understand your concern about the Dad being so wonderful at weekend whilst the mother is hustling. I had a great marriage (am widowed) but quite honestly, if he wasn't abusing me, then I would proabbly stay in the marriage too. We women make sacrifices so that we provide a stable environment for our children. Women like you are the true heroes in life and then kids wonder why when they are grown their parents get divorced. Usually the mother has made the sacrifice and put her children before her own happiness. You must find things to do that make you happy and think seriously of you/husband can resurrect your marriage so that it is better

1 person likes this

jillhill

@jillhill (37354)

• United States

22 Apr 13

My friends parent got divorced about 3 years ago....they had been married over 50 years....it was never what you would call a great marriage...but he fell working and got a head injury..it changed him so he was so abusive to her she just had to leave....she is so much happier now. Wishes she had done it years ago. I know several couples I think should split....you only get one shot at life...you have to make the best of it!

1 person likes this

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

22 Apr 13

Oh Jill - I have so much respect for your mother for leaving as she could not take that at all. Many blessings on her and yes, we only get one shot of life

dragon54u

@dragon54u (31634)

• United States

23 Apr 13

I had a friend with unhappy marriage but no real skills to make a living and her husband told her that he would get custody of the children as he could support them. She hung on and tried to make the best of it and in the end he left her so it all worked out. She did love him, and he loved her, but neither of them had any idea how to make a marriage work. The children were relieved when the parents divorced, although they were in their late teens when it happened. Women feel very insecure when threatened with the loss of their children and they will do anything to prevent that, especially if the father isn't a very good parent, especially if he becomes violent at times or verbally abusive. She reasons that she can act as a buffer rather than losing the children. I knew another couple that were childless but their marriage was more like two roommates. There was no joy there, no passion, but they were in a comfortable habit. Finally the woman realized she was drifting through a life that would never yield any real happiness and she divorced him. They are still friends.

1 person likes this

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

23 Apr 13

Everyone has shared many different reasons but the underlying factor is that many women are scared that they won't be able to manage on their own. And this is a reality too. Sad isn't it that our young men are not taught to be men?

katsmeow1213

@katsmeow1213 (28716)

• United States

22 Apr 13

My in-laws probably should have divorced, but they were raised not to. For me the question isn't so much about my lifestyle, it's more or less the fact that I couldn't afford to raise the kids on my own. Not that I'm seriously considering divorce... I would first try everything else like counseling. My husband, although he appears sweet and loving and all that.. he gets stressed so easy and he takes his stress out on us sometimes. He doesn't mean to, he says he's sorry and all that.. but he's not trying very hard to change it. He's been in counseling but it hasn't helped much.. he thinks just being at counseling and talking about the problems is going to help him. But right now divorce is not an option, for many reasons.. partly being that I still have hope he'll change this behavior and it's really not major anyway. He doesn't hurt us or call us names, he just gets mad a lot.. and I have to remind him to calm down.

TheRealDawn

@dawnald (85146)

• Shingle Springs, California

22 Apr 13

I hope it helps too. Honestly, taking it out on the family is what eventually ended it for me...

katsmeow1213

@katsmeow1213 (28716)

• United States

22 Apr 13

He changes for a little while.. but eventually just goes back to his "normal". He's in the process of changing counselors and I'm hoping the new one helps more than the last one did!

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

22 Apr 13

Many men do take it out on their families when they are stressed as there is no one else to take it out on. But I do hope that he learns to let it out on something else and not his family. The thing with counseling is that it does take a lot of work and soul searching and honesty to make progress. I hear you though as it would be difficult/impossible to manage on your own.

lelin1123

@lelin1123 (15595)

• Puerto Rico

22 Apr 13

I believe there are many couples who wish to divorce but know that their spouses will take them to the cleaners. So staying together is cheaper for them. I think its crazy because you are living a very unhappy life then. I believe my parents should have divorced years ago because they just bicker and bicker. I think they stayed together because they didn't know how not to live with each other. They have been married for 57 years now. I think deep down there is love and respect but being around each other everyday especially since retiring can get irritating after awhile. Reasons they get divorced is usually about falling our of love with each other or someone cheating on the other one. However, I have heard though of people getting divorced because the wife ends up sick and the husband can't deal with it. That happens more times then I care to mention.

1 person likes this

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

22 Apr 13

The latter reason is prevalent in our society too. It has always amazed me that oif your spouse/partner becomes ill then you just throw up your hands and be done with it. I know a couple married 60 years and they are not happy but he is so rich. The wife never worked and he knew that she knew enough law to take him to the cleaners. So she always turned a blind eye to his affairs and has spent his money like crazy. she can have anything but is not happy

1 person likes this

lelin1123

@lelin1123 (15595)

• Puerto Rico

23 Apr 13

To have everything and not be happy is not worth it to me. I rather have nothing and be happy and in love.

randomarts09

@randomarts09 (1405)

• Indonesia

24 Apr 13

May be they just need some more time. However, back to their own choice. Christianity prohibit the divorce, so I think it can’t be helped, but they can be flexible, they don’t have to too strict about their religion, its all about happiness and goals in life, including their children.

1 person likes this

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

24 Apr 13

Yes, you are right. Not even a VChristian should be expected to stay in an unhappy marriage

pomwango

@pomwango (1353)

• Kenya

23 Apr 13

i have a friend in an abusive marriage ,the husband actually beats her up, even in public.he is cruel to her and will even embarrass her where there are people or his children,she seems unable to leave him because they have six children and she has no proper source of income since she also did not clear her education.i think she just stays on because there is no way she can take care of the kids without himad she does not want to leave him with them either.

1 person likes this

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

23 Apr 13

Do you know why this is so sad? It is because her children will have witnessed this and think that this is the way to behave as adults. This is the way to behave when they get married. I am sorry for her. Her sons will beat their wives and her daughters will expect to get beaten

RAJASB

@RAJASB (109)

• India

23 Apr 13

People get married with many wishes and desires in mind but, in true sense marriage needs a good understanding between two individuals and should not commit for the marriage unless you have a proper understanding as it's a long time relationship. Misunderstandings and never compromising attitudes lead to divorce which is a very pity and stressful. Whenever any problem crops up, wife and husband should sit together and solve it out rather than jumping into a conclusion for divorce.

1 person likes this

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

23 Apr 13

Yes, communication is very important between husband and wife and they should also seek therapy if necesary.

Eden Goldie

@WillowHolmes (46)

•

25 Aug 15

This is such a sensitive subject for so many, but I admire your curiosity and have also wondered similar things. For example, I lived next door to a married couple for over a year and almost every day we would hear them arguing. They were violent towards each other, had apparently cheated and very rarely spent time together not shouting...after calling the police for the billionth time we were informed that they had a child with severe autism so we're extremely stressed (hence the arguing). For a long time we felt empathy and tried our best to ignore the fights but after months of being woken up at 2am for hours on end we began calling the police again. My point is, there is a lot more to life than we first think and many reasons to keep trying...even the most simple marriages are hard work. I do, however, agree that the child would have been happier had the parents been apart. Imagine spending so long with one person, being so close and knowing that even if you aren't in love with them, you'll still always love them on a level. That takes guts to walk away from. Love isn't always kissing in the rain or butterflies, it becomes more about company and sharing wonderful memories with someone great! :)

1 person likes this

pergammano

@pergammano (7682)

• Canada

23 Apr 13

Aha....When ONE spouse is a BULLY, and the other is demoralized, ONE is so insecure, have had the "rug pulled out from beneath them" so badly....they are afraid to attempt to even try and make it on their own, let alone look after their child! Been there, done that...a very, very, very HUGE step to take! I have ALL the sympathy in the world for spouses whom have lost their way, in an ugly marraige.

pergammano

@pergammano (7682)

• Canada

24 Apr 13

I was sooooo afraid of the world, the safety/health/security of my son, I retreated to a 24' boat, with nothing....petrified, and it took me nearly 4 years to put a FOOT FORWARD, and even get some child support, from an AIRLINES PILOT making over 7 grand a month....I lost everything, a business ONLY I had run for 14 years...and he takes all the money, because he was the Principal and spent it on a $450,00.00 dollar boat for his NEW lady and sold the Marina out from underneath me.....DON'T ask why they don't divorce, if you hold ABSOLUTELY NO purse strings...you can't even hire a lawyer! I have been away for nearly 30 years, and the fact that I didn't pay (he wouldn't allow me, as he gave me 1 percent of the Marina) my Canada Pension, I lost 14 years..... Guess this still RILES the HECK out of me, when someone asks that question! I have MADE it on my own, but there were the darkest days I have ever had in my life! DANG it, I gave up a fine career to marry him, and come and Manage a Marina for him...for 14 years, whilst he flew around the world, came home and gave me crap for everything....I felt less than a stewardess, whilst he cooked the books and robbed me................I was a professional, he usurped the BEST of me, pulled my career out from underneath me...and I end up with NOTHING...not even enough money for a lawyer. AND, as a survivor, there was one time I worked 9 jobs to keep food on the table, and a roof! One has to get to the point of "surival mode" before one just walks. I am sure I speak for many, it's just not as easy as marrying. Cheers!

1 person likes this

@cynthiann (18602)

• Jamaica

23 Apr 13

Of course, I agree with you, they are scared because they have been made to feel worthless and useless and cannot manage without a man. And the reality is that many could not find a well paid job to look after their children

1 person likes this

changjiangzhibin89

@changjiangzhibin89 (16758)

• China

26 Aug 15

It is better to end their marriage ,If the couple are simply not compatible with each other .The problem is that it is the kids who bear the brunt after parents get divorced .This is why some couples put up with each other .

bintang9

@bintang9 (196)

• Indonesia

23 Apr 13

There are many reason for being divorced. Especially when they do not get any similar vision on their family, they do not love each other anymore, one of them having other woman or man, the husband do not give any responsibility, economic factor, having no children. But the main case is that they do not love anymore. But actually the divorce could be avoided as long as they remember their children. When their children want them to get together, I think we should consider to decide, divorce or not. The children is everything. The divorcing couple very often feel regret to their decision and decide to get together again, after they feel that the condition after divorce not really just like before