Making him understand the difference between Wants and Needs
By scorpiobabes
@scorpiobabes (7225)
United States
April 25, 2013 2:54am CST
I've been frugal for nearly ten years now, primarily out of necessity. My boyfriend hasn't really had to I guess-his last wife made more than enough for the two of them, but she also didn't practice good money management skills.
Right now, we are just getting by. Our computer went down and once it was apparent that it couldn't be fixes, I suspended our Internet. That saved us a few bucks, but our cell phone account was all messed up, and we missed a payment. Right now, that's how I'm accessing the web. Got that straightened out, but suddenly we are WAY behind.
I follow Dave Ramsey's teachings. Our four walls: housing, food, utilities and transportation come first. Then we create a baby emergency fund of $1000, then we concentrate on paying our debt.
Right now, we finally got our electric bill taken care of, and we're on track to finally start paying it on time. Our cell phone account needs tweaking-apparently the last CSR was charging us for TWO data plans for $40, but the last one said we should only be charged the family rate of $30. Gee thanks AT&T! We are getting a deal on a 3-year old computer from a friend that's only $50. I'm cutting our normal $250 car payment temporarily to $234 (we've been paying extra on our loan) . I'll cut our food bill this month too, hopefully by $40.
All of that, in an effort to pay for unexpected bills due next week. But he started asking me if there was enough in the budget for some craft paint. It's anywhere from $6 to $10 a jar-and he needs three of them! And he's been pestering me the last couple of weeks.
If we hadn't needed to buy a new tire ($77.50!), we could have. Maybe. But we still don't know how much the water bill will be-and that MUST be paid on the first. Our entire budget is on hold because of this! I told him this, but he once again asked again, insisting that he "needed" it.
I'm struggling with helping him understand the true difference between needs and wants. Nothing seems to sink in either. I guess I'm not explaining it to him right.
4 people like this
14 responses
@dagami (1158)
• Rome, Italy
25 Apr 13
i suggest you show him the list of all the expenses, current and future. ask him to prioritize the future ones. if he still thinks that he "badly needs" his paint and this has higher priority over his foodand the roof over his head, then i think it would be impossible to make him realise the difference between wants and needs.
3 people like this
i'm guilty of this too. i smoke and i know how it feels. 
@marguicha (223776)
• Chile
26 Apr 13
It is not easy to stop smoking. But not buying some "toy" is something else. Why does need to keep busy? Does he have a job?
@randylovesdar (4932)
• United States
25 Apr 13
Randy was like this also until I had shown him what we need to pay and approximately how much things cost. I know some bills are hard to know how much to pay because they change from time to time. What I usually do is over estimate. For example, if my power bill was 50.00 last month then I will set my power bill budget to 80.00 (hopefully it will be lower than this)it is better to overestimate than underestimate. If by chance the power bill is lower than last months then you save that take that amount and store into your savings account. My rent is always the same, so is my prepaid cell phone, our car insurance, our life insurance, and our storage bin (this is always set ahead of time). Food bill changes (usually I spend less each week).
I know that this sounds weird, but could you possibly give your boyfriend a weekly allowance. I know he is not a child, but this may help him with his spending habits. I make extra money online and that money is not part of our budget. The extra money goes towards either my craft classes, materials I need for my crafts, or sometimes I will buy Randy something (a treat).
I am not sure how you feel about this. But I have a friend who uses a prepaid credit card to pay her bills. She takes her paycheck (she works part-time) and her husband's paycheck (he works full-time) and will take the money she needs for for the bills and puts it on her prepaid credit card. The money on this card is strictly for her bills. The left over money stays in their checking account which goes towards food, gas in the car and other things that may come up.
3 people like this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
25 Apr 13
He's getting a small allowance but it covers him getting something to drink at work-obviously it's not much. Our bills for cooking gas, electric, cable, Internet, Game Fly and cell phones are direct payments from our account. The car payment and the stereo sewer bills are paid in cash. Gas is usually paid using our ATM card or cash . The garnishment will be paid by money order.
Groceries are a pain, but I go in with a list and rarely deviate from it. I also make note of the dollar amount and round up. I'm isually pretty close with that method.
I can show him what the budget is until I'm blue in the face-I am looking for a simplier way of explaining what is a Need and what is a Want.
2 people like this
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
25 Apr 13
It really isn't a good situation for you. I think that you may want to re-evaluate things once you have been accepted into a college. Even though you believe that you need to depend on him, I think that you would be better off finding another path that does not include him.
No, I'm not just referring to his unwillingness on this point. I'm also referring to the many other things you have mentioned over time--such as him essentially ditching you in public places because you move slower than he.
2 people like this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
29 Apr 13
There's a lot going on right now. I feel like I'm playing a game of Monkey in the Middle between him, his wife, and Chase, their mortgage company. His wife left him three years ago and told him she wanted a divorce. All that time, he's been getting notices from Chase because no one had paid the mortgage in at least three years! And his wife called on NYD to ask about short selling the house.
I'm so helpful-I find them a company that guides sellers through the process. I compile my boyfriends half of the paperwork, spending hours scanning and organizing everything. The house is finally listed-one bid that was rejected, with showings with less than complimentary comments.
A notice comes in the mail several weeks ago-a sheriffs sale date was set for May 24 next month. Finally! I redo our budget, we're paying for garbage pickup and sewer charges there, even though its been a year since we moved out-and we get another notice from Chae yesterday-they post poned the sale until July!!!
I told Jim today that I'm getting sick of this crap. I don't think I'll live long enough to see his divorce through at this rate because his wife won't divorce him until the house is out of her name! And that I'm sick of playing Monkey in the Middle with the three of them!
1 person likes this
@ladynetz (968)
• Canada
25 Apr 13
It is very hard to keep everything balanced and paid up to date. I had a long period of time when I used coupons. Used them my self, what I did not use I exchanged with others for something I needed. At times it could have been a gift card to one of the chains I buy food, or just money to PayPal. Every bit helped. Now I am not so much into in, not because I am rich, but I feel like everything I do is for nothing. More I save, more we need to spend on other "urgent" things. So as of now, I'm taking some "time off" and try to understand the bigger picture.
2 people like this
@ajithlal (14716)
• India
25 Apr 13
I am also confused before should I go for things that I need or should I clear the debts that I have. I think right now I am trying to clear the debts and then go for things I need. I think it is always good to clear the debts as soon as possible.
1 person likes this
@tiffnkeat (1673)
• Singapore
25 Apr 13
Tell him you take over the finance of both of you. Then if he has anything he wants to buy, he will have to ask you. You assess if it is a need or not. If it is, teach him to source for a cheaper yet item with similar function and quality.
If it is want, tell him why you think so.
In any situation, both of you must promise to each other NOT to quarrel over money. It's not worth it.
2 people like this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
25 Apr 13
Well, I already handle the finances, but I try to keep him informed. His last wife handled everything and that's why he's losing his home to sheriffs sale next month.
I'll try to find a better way of defining the difference between the two.. Thank you for your advice!
2 people like this
@AidaLily (1450)
• United States
25 Apr 13
I have worked with a lot of people who don't understand it even a few high school students whose parents want them to learn fiscal responsibility with their part-time and soon to be summer seasonal jobs.
One thing I have told some of the clients I have is to NEVER ever ask themselves IF they need something. It is one of the most basic things that every financial planner, accountant, etc. will tell someone to do. They will tell them to ask if they need it. In my experience with clients, that is when people start convincing themselves they NEED something. I've heard everything from they need it because they just do to they would feel as though they were dying without it when it comes to things like nail polish unrelated to their careers.
For him, I would suggest asking him WHY he needs it. Sit down with him and ask why does he need craft paints right at this time. Tell him you currently don't have the money for the craft paints but you will see what you can do later on.
It does sound like he is used to a different lifestyle and so he hasn't been able to adjust to living frugally. It isn't easy, but it needs to be done.
3 people like this
@ajithlal (14716)
• India
25 Apr 13
I think most probably it is good to save money and also try to budget things. I think budgeting always helps to spend money in a wise way. I think most probably it is always good to buy things that one needs and then to buy things that one desires. I always have desires for lots of things, but I am putting them back right now and trying to save money and hoping to buy them with the money I saved.
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
29 Apr 13
Yes, we do have a budget, but not everything goes as planned. Our food budget and our utility budgets very each month. All we can do is try to spend less each month.
I window shop, and take pictures of things I like. I'll wait until I have enough money, but I look at the picture on my phone first. If I'm still interested in it, I'll go to the store and buy it. If not, I delete the photo. More often than not, I end up deleting the photo.
1 person likes this
@sizzle3000 (3036)
• United States
26 Apr 13
My family is not frugal but we do watch what we spend. When my daughter and her husband came down to live with us we had to teach him to not always buy brand name. He was raised to always buy that stuff and we just can't afford it. After three years of tight finances and the move and being here he's finally learning that not all name brand is worth it and the no names are just as good. Now if we can just teach my daughter that books aren't always needed we may have room to move in the house.
1 person likes this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
26 Apr 13
I would consider you frugal if you're careful about your money. I used to think that brand names were the best because you could get coupons, but I've come to realize that's not always the case.
As for your daughter and all the books, does she have a library card? I'm a huge reader, but our apartment is very small. After a year, I broke down and got a library card. Now I can read to my hearts content, but after two weeks, I can return the books for more space!
1 person likes this
@oneidmnster (1384)
• United States
29 Apr 13
I understand this. I work in home improvement retail. Our customers walk up to us and say they need something all of the time. We don't sale a single thing that people actually need to live on.
Maybe I feel this way because my wife and I always decide if we need something when we shop. Of course,there are times that we splurge a little but it's very rare.
You need to explain to your boyfriend in no uncertain terms that if he thinks he needs extra things,he might want to get an extra job.
1 person likes this
@artemeis (4194)
• China
26 Apr 13
The way I see it, I think it is about time that he gets involved with you actively in budgeting and managing the family's money. On one hand, I feel that he would be having a direct knowledge without your preparation of the statements. On the other, it will provide him the necessary knowledge to enable him to manage when you are inconveniently incapacitated or away.
For a start, you can always assign him to update entries, check bank statements and even pay some of the utility bills. Then, when there are extras, he can then buy whatever he wants or save it for that time to arrive. It would also motivate him to find ways to pay less for the bills that he is responsible and hence making some money available for his or family's other disposal.
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
30 Apr 13
We did do something similar-I asked him to let me know how much he would need daily to survive. He came back a week later, and said he only needed $4 a day, as long as he was fed a good dinner. $4 times 5 days a week is $20-down from the $50 a week he originally asked for.
We're also talking about our budget together more now, and it seems to help. He can see where the money is going, and has come up with some ideas to try to cut costs. Because my health isn't the greatest, I'm considering filing for SSDI. My boyfriend is a disabled vet; he's working full time again, but it takes a lot out of him.
@Shellyann36 (11384)
• United States
26 Apr 13
I wonder if being without water would wake him up out of his own little world? Every once in a while it takes a little rattle of the tree to get the attention of the inhabitants..... Perhaps you should play a little trick on him and turn the main line off to your home and tell him that the water bill was not paid and they cut the water off. I wonder how he would react?
1 person likes this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
26 Apr 13
I can't do that-we live in an apartment, and I won't inconvenience myself to teach him a lesson. Water is a necessity-and he's the one who is working. But that isn't the problem-it's covering his hobby.
1 person likes this
@Shellyann36 (11384)
• United States
27 Apr 13
Well I meant it to be fictional not real. Every faucet and toilet has a knob that can turn the water off to it (or at least here in my house it does). I am fortunate that my house also includes a main in the house that controls all of the water inside and outside. If you wanted to give him a taste of reality you could try it. When a hobby interferes with daily living needs the person with the hobby needs to wake up and smell the paint.
1 person likes this
@Camylo57 (86)
• India
26 Apr 13
Well! scorpiobabes The subject Economics clearly differientiates the difference between Needs and Wants. Certainly all wants are needs but all needs are not necessarily your wants.
In life you will have to consider this in mind and act accordingly. You will have to prioritise your needs and then make them your wants. You will have to make this list and show it to him and then take the decision according to their importance.
Instead of you taking the decisions alone, get him involved and then he will surerly understand your position and your difficulty in managing the wants.
1 person likes this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
26 Apr 13
Thank you for explaining that in a way he actually might get!
I don't think I was making all the financial decisions alone on purpose; rather, he basically insisted that I help straighten him out financially. But at this point, I'll try anything once!
1 person likes this
@louilmarces1986 (65)
• Philippines
26 Apr 13
Ill understand you girl on what u like to do to lessen everything that was not necessary yes being frugal is not bad is the key for you to become financially stable in the future nowadays the wants are likely are needs like for example cellular phone, gadgets etc. in our working environment we use gadgets to communicate others so the previous wants become needs because of technology innovations so lets identify the needs and wants for us to become stable in the future if it is not needed dont buy it.
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
26 Apr 13
I don't think that hobby paint would be considered a true need, unless you were painting models for resale-and he isn't. This is for enjoyment alone. If we still have one household bill outstanding, but aren't yet sure of how much it will be, I'd rather wait to spend money to be safe.
1 person likes this
@sunilmishra7756 (4263)
• Moradabad, India
13 Oct 13
We want many things, it means we may do without it but needs are those,we can not do without them.
Thanks
