Listening Challenge With Your Significant Other
By Jeff Unruh
@mypointsju (583)
Westland, Michigan
April 11, 2016 10:15am CST
About a month ago I went to a free course at my local library. It was discussing personalities (maybe one day I will write about the personality side in a post), but a small challenge they had us do was a listening challenge.
I have tried this challenge with other people and my wife and it is very interesting what you learn about listening. You know some people say "you have 100% of my attention and I am listening" (I would say that to my wife). Are we truly 100% listening? Usually the answer is no.
When people listen it is very common for people to begin forming words in their head about how they will respond while the person is talking (maybe you are thinking about how to add on to the story or your thinking about a subject similar to you). Are you truly listening.
I am not saying you should sit and listen and never respond (that is rude), but what you should do is once in a while, paraphrase or repeat what the person was saying. This not only helps you to remember the details, but it also helps with the person that is speaking to understand that you are focused on the conversation.
So, try this as a test with a friend our a spouse, etc. For 2 minutes, have them tell you about their day or the last vacation that they went on. You can't add to the story or can't ask questions and all you can do is repeat or paraphrase. Example:
Speaker: I just went to Miami and it was hot, but the resort had like 4 pools to swim in".
Listener: Wow, 4 pools is a lot for a resort.
Speaker: We went out on the water and fished for 4 hours. We caught a lot of big fish and had a great time. Then we got back to the resort and I realized that I forgot to put on sunscreen and I was burnt.
Listener: I can see how you could get burned on your skin if you were out on the boat for 4 hours.
Ok, you get the challenge. You will see that most people will have a tougher time with this challenge. We so want to add our 2 cents and we begin thinking about what is going to come out of our mouth, than listening to the other person.
Maybe you are a great listener, but the 20 people in the course had similar outcomes when they did the test.
Go ahead and give it a try. What is it going to do if you lose 2 minutes of your time?
11 people like this
10 responses
@CRK109 (14556)
• United States
11 Apr 16
I've always been a better talker than listener. when my husband was alive, we used to work very hard at really listening to one another. Now that I'm alone again, well, I guess it doesn't matter. I have no one to talk to and no one to listen to.
1 person likes this
@mypointsju (583)
• Westland, Michigan
11 Apr 16
I am of course a talker in my family. I am trying to be a better listener.
1 person likes this
@mypointsju (583)
• Westland, Michigan
11 Apr 16
I may be getting this wrong, but I believe we get 70% from non-verbal and 20% from the tones of what people say and than 10%. I remember hearing study and remember that the non-verbal was much higher than the words we speak.
@MALUSE (69373)
• Germany
11 Apr 16
@mypointsju This is an important observation. It explains why communicating online can go terribly wrong. All the smileys of the world may not help if we can't observe body language and facial expressions.
1 person likes this
@mypointsju (583)
• Westland, Michigan
11 Apr 16
@MALUSE I agree 100%. I have talked to my nieces & nephews about texting/emailing. I would say my communication to my friends and family is 80% via phone and 20% email/text. I try to explain to them, even though you can't see each other, at least you can pickup some tones in someones voice when speaking to them. You can't get that from an email/text.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
15 Apr 16
I learned to listen reallylisten from my teen aged son w a y b ack as hes 56 now
he said"Mom you are ot listening you are doing your checkbook this is important"
and he tooy checbok away hen told me he had been offered college courses while a seniorin high school and needed my signature after that I did really pay attention and repeated what the speaker had said. great post
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
16 Apr 16
@mypointsju es oes children deserve to be heard and we must listen
@mypointsju (583)
• Westland, Michigan
16 Apr 16
@Hatley I agree, children need to learn that they need to speak and we will listen.
1 person likes this
@arthurchappell (44998)
• Preston, England
14 Apr 16
too many people lack listening skills and think arguing is getting the last word in
@arthurchappell (44998)
• Preston, England
15 Apr 16
@mypointsju I wish many more people would follow your example
@mypointsju (583)
• Westland, Michigan
15 Apr 16
I lack listening skills, but I am working on it.
1 person likes this
@MarshaMusselman (38867)
• Midland, Michigan
11 Apr 16
That sounds a lot like a communication class I took back in the eighties when attending a Bible College. We paired up one day and one person would speak and then the other repeated what they said. But we'd repeat it back in our own words and more of what was said. One time, it took me and the other person almost the whole class time to just figure out two sentences. Words and ideas that one person uses aren't always the same ideas that the other will think they're saying.
@mypointsju (583)
• Westland, Michigan
11 Apr 16
The good news about this challenge was you did not have to repeat word for word, but you had to every few seconds repeat/paraphrase the sentence back to the person to show that you are listening.
1 person likes this
@MarshaMusselman (38867)
• Midland, Michigan
13 Apr 16
@mypointsju The thing we did was to see if we understood what the person was saying, not just to see if we were listening. No one can repeat word for word, but we all come from different backgrounds and will put our own interpretations onto what someone is saying which can totally change the basic idea of what they are presenting.
I wish my husband would ask what I mean more often at the time so later on when he does ask I don't have to try to remember. That's what he usually does.
@Traceyjayne (1784)
• United Kingdom
11 Apr 16
I work with children and we do this a lot when talking to them. It helps them keep on track.
@mypointsju (583)
• Westland, Michigan
11 Apr 16
LOL. No, I think you have it right. To remember a persons name, the best way to remember the name is first picture them doing something. Example: I get introduced to Jack. I think of of him climbing the vine in Jack and the Beanstalk". Then you need to use the persons name in a sentence (do this at least 3 times before you depart). Example: Jack, what do you think about.... or It is great to meet you jack. Of course this only helps with remembering peoples names.
@josie_ (10034)
• Philippines
12 Apr 16
A research found that people's attention span is shorter than that of a goldfish. Is it any wonder why I prefer to have a conversation with my pet goldfish than my husband?
. The art of conversation is a lost art. We don't listen anymore. I pay attention to the body language of a person I'm talking to. That way, I'll know when to end the conversation if I observe they are losing interest.
. The art of conversation is a lost art. We don't listen anymore. I pay attention to the body language of a person I'm talking to. That way, I'll know when to end the conversation if I observe they are losing interest.