Are there some ways in which people simply do NOT change across the lifespan?
By The Horse
@TheHorse (220068)
Walnut Creek, California
December 6, 2016 2:37pm CST
I had a girlfriend in high school. I liked her because she was smart. But she was very unsupportive. I always felt like everything I did around her was wrong. She didn't care for the music I listened to. She didn't laugh at my jokes. She never came to one of my baseball games. I recently joked with a friend (on a hike) that even when she kissed (I think we kissed twice), her mouth was shaped on the word "no."
Over the years, we've been in touch a bit. She married and moved to Paris. She wrote a book about teaching writing to children, and asked me to edit it for her. I did so, free of charge. She asked me to write a positive review of it on Amazon. I did.
Recently, my old high school classmates started chatting away in a big group email. We've discussed what we've been doing, where we've moved to, etc. Finally I mentioned that I've been playing a lot of music recently, and sent a YouTube link to one of my songs. I got the expected "nice job!" "glad you're back into music," and "I remember you jamming with so-and-so" from my classmates. From my ex--the one whose book I edited--nothing.
I dropped her a note and asked, did my song come through? Her response: "Yes."
I realized that in well over a quarter of a Century, she has not changed at all. Nor has the way she makes me feel about myself. Of course, that got me to thinking about how we change, and how we don't change. I've always loved music and always will. I've always had a touch of melancholy behind my positive outlook, and always will. But I've also switched majors from math/physics to psych/music. I've (mostly) abandoned piano and gotten into guitar, bass and mandolin. I've become a better listener.
I've had friends who are drug addicts and are now successful professionals. I've had one friend who went from being a Harvard University graduate to being a bum, living on the streets of Boston.
Can you think of ways in which you have changed? Really changed? And ways in which you have been, and always will be, the same?
19 people like this
19 responses
@Sasquatchy (1131)
• Canada
6 Dec 16
Yes everyone changes.
I remember my high school sweetheart. She was nice, slim, cute, and blonde.
I remember her dad too. Short, fat stalky guy, that looked like a cross between a Mayan and an Indian.
Well, guess what. At my friends wedding I seen her. I swear she got shorter, and turned into her dad.
3 people like this
@TheHorse (220068)
• Walnut Creek, California
6 Dec 16
@Sasquatchy Heh. Probably best to leave it alone. Maybe my ex- resents me for having been through hard times but still having a positive attitude (and some measure of success in what I do). I've been to some (but not many) reunions. Interesting how some people look just the same and others look entirely different.
2 people like this
@Sasquatchy (1131)
• Canada
6 Dec 16
@TheHorse They were Mayans. Native Americans is what I mean by Indians. :)
But ya, you are right...their attitudes might stay the same. Not too sure.
I bet my ex still doesn't like me just the way she did before. I won't find out though. My wife probably would get mad if I did.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (168126)
• Boise, Idaho
6 Dec 16
I've always been introverted, negative and a romantic. I have become less shy for when I was young I was very shy. I have become more loving and affectionate. I love to laugh and make others laugh. Family is very important to me.
I feel sorry for this friend of yours. She just doesn't plug in. Seems she was successful in her life. I wonder what her life would have been like if she had been more personable.
3 people like this
@celticeagle (168126)
• Boise, Idaho
7 Dec 16
@TheHorse ....Takes all kinds to make a world.
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@TheHorse (220068)
• Walnut Creek, California
7 Dec 16
@celticeagle It does. I feel both frustrated (for me) and sad (for her). Maybe she's in her comfort zone, though.
1 person likes this
@LilyBeBack (1994)
• United Kingdom
7 Dec 16
This is such a big question, I don't think I dare even answer it. This is the kind of thing I'd have to spend days thinking about before I could respond properly...
As for your old girlfriend, it sounds like she could be the jealous type. She sounds ambitious, but also like she doesn't like it when others succeed. She wants to be the only winner.
2 people like this
@LilyBeBack (1994)
• United Kingdom
7 Dec 16
@Mike197602 You on about me or the girlfriend?
2 people like this
@Mike197602 (15512)
• United Kingdom
7 Dec 16
@LilyBeBack the gf..you're not a narcissist at all
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
7 Dec 16
I think that comes down to parts of our core, vs the stuff on top. I think the core doesnt change, it's too much part of our basic makeup, but the top parts can and do (and we can hide our core). Here I would have commented, how nice, even if I didnt think the music was nice, lol. but part of my core is, well, the need to fit and belong and be liked.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (220068)
• Walnut Creek, California
7 Dec 16
Well said. We're social beings, and I think we all (at our cores) need a feeling of connectedness, meaning, etc. Core "issues" may start to develop really early in life (before language even). That's why I'm so interested in "attachment theory" (Ainsworth, Roedell & Slaby, etc.)
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (341752)
• Rockingham, Australia
8 Dec 16
You've put it well Jessica. I need to fit and belong and be liked too but if I feel I mightn't be I try to disappear into the background. And fear of not fitting/belonging/being liked stops me approaching people or opening up to them.
2 people like this
@teamfreak16 (43418)
• Denver, Colorado
6 Dec 16
The only thing that comes to mind at the moment is that I don't drink nearly as much as I used to.
3 people like this
@crazyhorseladycx (39509)
• United States
8 Dec 16
@TheHorse i agree, hon ~ that 'big picture' 'tis the culprit 's i still maintain faith'n humanity'n small numbers. big hugs!
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (220068)
• Walnut Creek, California
8 Dec 16
@crazyhorseladycx We can only do the best we can with those around us.
1 person likes this
@1creekgirl (41690)
• United States
6 Dec 16
I believe we can change to a certain extent, but I think a shy person will always tend to be shy and a really outgoing person will keep that basic trait.
Our circumstances can certainly affect us, though. Sounds like your old girlfriend hasn't changed much for the better!
2 people like this
@hereandthere (45645)
• Philippines
7 Dec 16
i think a change in circumstances (good and bad) can bring out good and bad traits too.
1 person likes this
@1creekgirl (41690)
• United States
7 Dec 16
@hereandthere That's true. Our circumstances can certainly affect us.
@JamesHxstatic (29413)
• Eugene, Oregon
7 Dec 16
I am more tolerant than I was as a young man, more patient, but not always patient enough. I have lost all the racial and homophobic prejudice I was raised with. I have become a better writer, particularly poetry, than I expected to. As we get older, once liberal people (supposedly) become conservative. I have moved farther to the left as I age.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (220068)
• Walnut Creek, California
7 Dec 16
I think I am more patient, but less tolerant of ignorance, or people who speak without thinking. I wasn't raised with racism or homophobia, so those things were never an issue for me. The moving father to the left is interesting. Maybe it depends on our starting point. I started way left and am still trying to "save the world" for the poor and under-served. But some of my *thoughts* have moved to the right a bit. It upset me when I realized that Liberals were just as subject to "confirmation bias" and spouting memes with out doing research as Conservatives were.
1 person likes this
@Morleyhunt (21744)
• Canada
6 Dec 16
It's been hard won but I have a lot more sense of self worth. I still tend to be quiet around people I don't know. I've also learned to take the bull by the horns when something needs doing.
2 people like this
@JudyEv (341752)
• Rockingham, Australia
8 Dec 16
@TheHorse We had a good friend once but she always managed to very subtly put me/us down. Then she went very 'organic'. We visited there once and took some cherries which were just starting to be offered on roadside stands. She had one but when I offered to leave the rest, she asked if they were organic. I didn't know so she said no thanks and said she'd only toss them out if we left them. Only a small thing but only one example too. Yet she is a great person too and we've had lots of good times together.
Some people too find it hard to accept that others might be doing as well as/better than they are themselves - even if it is in different fields.
@JudyEv (341752)
• Rockingham, Australia
7 Dec 16
I'm sure you don't need me to tell you but you would be better off without this 'friend'. Your question about change is hard to answer really. I still like my own company. I think I come across as rude or uncaring because sometimes I think 'they wouldn't want me to join them/talk to them/visit them' and so I don't. I guess that's the bit I'm trying to change.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (220068)
• Walnut Creek, California
7 Dec 16
To me, you seem very engaging. I've been told I look "aloof" until you get to know me. But I think that's just me not wanting to interfere. Even my gas station attendants know I'm a "nice guy" or "cool dude" once we start chatting, and continue to do so over the months.
2 people like this
@JudyEv (341752)
• Rockingham, Australia
8 Dec 16
@TheHorse Thank you. I suppose that's why I enjoy this site so much. I can dodge any confrontations and people mostly welcome comment and chat so I feel quite at home here. If I know people well I'm more outgoing but it takes a while to reach that stage I guess.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
4 Jan 17
I have become more oiutgoing buit I was a shy child a shy adult and stillk oprettyshy elderly ladt=ty.I am niot sio u optight noiw as I was as ayoung woman and working as a nurses aide I dd get better at relating to people for I had compassion for ill people.
1 person likes this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
7 Dec 16
I've always been stubborn as a bull (but that's because I'm a Taurus); so nothing will change there @TheHorse . My desire to help people hasn't changed. The one thing that has changed though is that I always believed 'there would be a tomorrow'. Over time I have come to understand that is not true and all the "woulda, coulda, shoulda's" don't mean anything. A person should make every, single day count; because there is no guarantee of a tomorrow. Live, laugh, love, share, care and delight in the sights and sounds around you.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (220068)
• Walnut Creek, California
7 Dec 16
I think I embrace Carpe Diem a bit more each day. But I can't take it all the way, as there are things to get done. Else I'd be at a Cafe in Paris right now, sipping coffee, smoking a Marlboro (popular in France), and trying to impress some pretty gal with my guitar playing.
1 person likes this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
7 Dec 16
@TheHorse LOL, when is that flight to Paris taking place?
@just4him (317249)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
7 Dec 16
Change is always good. Having some sameness in our lives is also good. For me I'm more accepting of myself. Growing up with rejection it was hard to accept anything I did as good, but I've come to know that my writing is accepted by a lot of people, and the comments made are great and hard for me to deal with at the same time. As for being the same - I've always had a positive attitude and inside never wanted to grow up - I always wanted to feel young and carefree, not the no nonsense mature adult that seems like they are wrapped in something binding they can't break free from.
@ms1864 (6885)
• Bangalore, India
7 Dec 16
I actually feel like i have personally grown a lot in the past 6-7 years...i do notice a ocean of change in myself... there is one other school friend of mine who seems to have changed for the better over the years..
but i have also noticed how many people i knew from school and college have been the same....there doesn't seem to be any growth...and in some cases...no maturity...
So i guess it goes both ways. .depending on how willing people are to change. 
1 person likes this
