I didn't know where to start / myLot

Boston, Massachusetts

December 30, 2016 6:30am CST

And that's why I haven't written in so long. A thousand times a day, a thought will run through my head and I will think "I should write that on myLot". But how to start? So much to say, and how to say it? Those summer days spent at my sister's house, keeping her company and not wishing to think ahead - they are too far in the past now. They seem a moment and a lifetime away, all at once. She loved summer, but this last summer she was always cold. She could not get warm. For her, summer was the time to revel in sun and heat, to lie upon the sand and listen to the rhythm of the waves as they rushed to shore. She couldn't go to the ocean anymore, no matter how loudly it called to her. And she couldn't get warm. She hated Autumn. I would try to convince her that the colors and the crisp air made it the most beautiful season. All she could see in Autumn was that it led to death and unrelenting cold. She left on October 29th. We were all there, but I don't think she knew that. She didn't seem to be in pain, and I am glad she was not conscious. I am glad she wasn't aware, she would have felt such despair and defeat. She had fought - for four years she had fought so hard. Yet, she lost. When someone dies, we say "sorry for your loss" and that's because those left alive have lost something. They've lost someone who was important in their lives. But for me, the saddest part was that she lost. It broke my heart that she couldn't win. She tried so hard to win. And none of that is even what I want to say. I just don't know how to say it, or where to start.

20 people like this

21 responses

Heather Echola

@GardenGerty (160883)

• United States

31 Dec 16

I will say that I have been there for that type of battle and it is heartbreaking and gut wrenching. Hugs. You have said enough, and said it eloquently.

2 people like this

Claudia Kirkland

@CRK109 (14556)

• United States

30 Dec 16

When we lose someone we love so dearly, words really are hard to find. I also lost my sister to illness, and that was difficult for all of us. And then, more recently, I lost my husband very suddenly to an accident. All I could do after that was cry that I want him back. No other words seem to have much meaning anymore. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this very difficult time. I really am so very sorry for your loss.

1 person likes this

AnjaP

@Rollo1 (16679)

• Boston, Massachusetts

3 Jan 17

I remember you from Bubblews. I hope that you are healing. Words are so useless, I have none that help. I know your loss is a painful and life-changing one.

1 person likes this

Claudia Kirkland

@CRK109 (14556)

• United States

3 Jan 17

@Rollo1 Thank you. My life has definitely changed a great deal. I lost my house and am living in a little apartment these days, but that actually seems to be a huge blessing. It gives me a place I can afford and time to heal and figure out what my next chapter will be. I wish for so much for you. Healing mostly, and also people to give you real love during this difficult time. And if you ever want to talk, I'm here. At least, you know I understand. xoxo

Juliaacv

@Juliaacv (51461)

• Canada

30 Dec 16

When I express my sympathy, I often say that I'm sorry for your loss. And I mean that on many levels, the first word of a terminal illness, that's a loss, the demise of physical and mental abilities, more losses, and then the true and final loss, the loved one that no longer has to fight their battle. And I am sorry for your loss, for all of these reasons, but I welcome you back and hope that you can find some relief in your grief by writing about it.

1 person likes this

AnjaP

@Rollo1 (16679)

• Boston, Massachusetts

3 Jan 17

True, from diagnosis on, it's a series of losses - for the patient and her family. Thank you for your kind words.

1 person likes this

Juliaacv

@Juliaacv (51461)

• Canada

4 Jan 17

@Rollo1 I know its hard, try to keep your chin up.

Anna

@LadyDuck (472004)

• Switzerland

30 Dec 16

I remember you wrote about her in the past and I understand your pain. My sister in law is in this final stage, she is also losing her battle. There is nothing to say, the pain is inside us.

1 person likes this

AnjaP

@Rollo1 (16679)

• Boston, Massachusetts

3 Jan 17

It is hard to watch someone lose and be unable to help.

1 person likes this

Anna

@LadyDuck (472004)

• Switzerland

3 Jan 17

@Rollo1 It is hard and it is very sad. We know that my SiL only has a few days left in this world, we can do nothing and this is heart breaking.

Jabo

@jaboUK (64354)

• United Kingdom

30 Dec 16

First of all - I'm so sorry about your sister, it must be very hard to lose someone as close to you as that. I know that everybody who reads your post is going to say the same thing, but we genuinely mean it. You've been missed.

1 person likes this

AnjaP

@Rollo1 (16679)

• Boston, Massachusetts

3 Jan 17

There are only so many words and none are adequate, we all know that. But still, we try. I know no one can say the right words, but it's good that they offer what they can and it's appreciated.

1 person likes this

Fiacre Banks

@xFiacre (13122)

• Ireland

30 Dec 16

@rollo1 I wanted to say something in response to what you have written but once I started I realised that I've got not very much. I want you to know that I've read what you have written; your words have been heard.

1 person likes this

AnjaP

@Rollo1 (16679)

• Boston, Massachusetts

3 Jan 17

I know words well enough to know that, although powerful, there are things they cannot convey and things they cannot overcome. Thank you for reading.

celticeagle

@celticeagle (168126)

• Boise, Idaho

31 Dec 16

Good you knew how to start that. Sorry to hear of your sister. I usually just start writing and can edit and change later. Happy New Year!

1 person likes this

aubrey

@averygirl72 (37845)

• Philippines

31 Dec 16

It's sad to lose our loved ones. It's painful but we will learn to accept the situation as time heals. Hope to recover soon from your lost.

1 person likes this

Arthur Chappell

@arthurchappell (44998)

• Preston, England

30 Dec 16

Your memory of her keeps her alive in many ways - had she not fought she might have gone much sooner - she sounds very brave but it is a fight none of us can win in the end - good to see you back - hope 2017 is a much happier year for you

1 person likes this

AnjaP

@Rollo1 (16679)

• Boston, Massachusetts

3 Jan 17

I think there were several points where she could easily have given up sooner than she did. But that's not the kind of person she was.

1 person likes this

Belle Starr (Iz)

@BelleStarr (61102)

• United States

31 Dec 16

I know that there are no words to make this better for you and it will take a very long time for the hurt to become a dull ache. It is our faith that keeps us going and the sure knowledge that we will all be together again someday. I know this is cold comfort right now. We have all missed you terribly and know that you have lots of friends here who care deeeply about you.

1 person likes this

Jekca

@Jessicalynnt (50523)

• Centralia, Missouri

30 Dec 16

that was a sad, bittersweet, and lovely tribute to the time you were away and your loss. I leave a basket of flowers to brighten your day.

1 person likes this

AnjaP

@Rollo1 (16679)

• Boston, Massachusetts

3 Jan 17

What a nice thought. Thanks.

1 person likes this

Kimberley

@mom210 (9115)

• United States

30 Dec 16

I am so sorry, I certainly understand why it was hard to sit down and write. You must have been going though so much. It is good to have you back

1 person likes this

ARM

@responsiveme (22926)

• India

31 Dec 16

Sorry, that you suffered such a loss. I know I don't know you well but I am genuinely sorry. That was a great tribute to your sister.

1 person likes this

Kathy Loving

@katloving (15)

•

1 Jan 17

Hi, I am sorry about your sister. But I understand what your sister was going through I was born in the winter time. and could never get use to the cold winter bring. I use to say I hate winte,r but it had me bet its gone to come whether I like it or not. So I parpare myself everything i put on was by two.Two pair of pant, two shirt, two pair sock. and a very heavy fur hat. see me if you can. no wind shall touch this skin in the winter time. The worse part for me is I have allgery. I think Iam allergic, to winter?

1 person likes this

@MGjhaud (23240)

• Philippines

30 Dec 16

I'm sorry about your sister. I fought for something/someone this year and i lost. i was shattered for a while, i still am but.. life, you know. it is what it is.

1 person likes this

Kevin

@kevin1877uk (36988)

•

30 Dec 16

So sorry to hear about your sister.

1 person likes this

OtakuNerdyChica

@DanieGirl80587 (2713)

• United States

30 Dec 16

I'm so sorry to hear of these rough past months for you and your sister. May she rest in peace and that she is no longer in pain. She may have "lost" the battle, but she gained heaven and will forever be hugged by God. I know you will forever miss her and I hope through your grieving and pain you can find some solace.

1 person likes this