Parenting an Adult Child
By patgalca
@patgalca (18394)
Orangeville, Ontario
January 23, 2017 10:41am CST
My 23 year old daughter lives at home. She works at the airport and is striving to pay off her student loans and her VISA bill, and eventually buy a vehicle. We don't charge her for anything, not even her cell phone. My husband is weak and doesn't enforce any rules. No matter how much I beg him he just doesn't discipline; he never has.
My daughter and her boyfriend hang out with a certain group of people. First it was all guys with my daughter being the only girl. But now all the guys have girlfriends. But because of this my daughter swears like a sailor. The F-bomb is used constantly and I can't stand it.
A site I was on posted a link to check your speed of your internet. I found that my speed is so low that a message came with it - we can only use one device in our home for streaming. That means, I cannot watch live streams while my daughter is using Netflix. Why Netflix takes priority where the internet is concerned I don't know. I get frozen out yet Netflix never has a problem. I was discussing this with my husband, daughter and her boyfriend. I suggested upgrading, that it would help our internet and probably our satellite too. My daughter went on a rant about how I never watch HD channels and there is no problem with the satellite. (I hope this makes her get off Netflix when I want to watch a live stream). She was cursing her way through this discussion. My husband and her boyfriend had left the room so I said to her, "Don't talk to your mother that way." She continued to curse a blue streak so I added, "You have no respect for anyone."
She stormed out of the room, agreeing with me, but cursing her way out. When her boyfriend came down a while later I said, "K is pissed off at me." He said, "No," rather confused. She didn't express to him any anger. I am hoping I got through to her somewhat. It's a conversation that should have been had a long time ago.
I told my husband about the short discussion. I said it wouldn't be like this if he had stepped up a long time ago and said, "Don't talk to your mother like that." He nodded his head. I continued on, "Do you talk to your mother like that?" No. "So why is it okay for her to talk to HER mother like that?" All he could say was, "I don't know."
My father always stood up for my mother. "Don't talk to your mother like that", "Your mother worked hard to make this dinner", and the like.
Did I get through to my daughter? I doubt it. It is just another one of those things that makes her wish she didn't live here. God forbid we should make her PAY for things, or HELP OUT around the house. I've bitten my tongue for so long BECAUSE I don't want her to want to leave. My kids leaving are something I fear the most right now. I even got on FaceTime with my younger daughter right after this because I needed to talk to my [/i]sweet[i] daughter.
It just goes to show the importance of nipping stuff in the bud before they become out of control.
13 people like this
12 responses
@Happy2BeMe (99380)
• Canada
23 Jan 17
I am thankful that my children never spoke that way to be or to anybody. I think your husband should have backed you up on it and tell her that it wouldn't be tolerated. She is lucky to be staying there without having to pay anything. I am glad you have your other daughter to talk to.
4 people like this
@patgalca (18394)
• Orangeville, Ontario
23 Jan 17
I paid for a cleaning lady for my mother when I was living at home. That's all. My parents paid for my post-secondary schooling of which I dropped out after 3 months. But back then we had to pay our own health insurance (companies pay for it now), and I paid my own MasterCard bill and anything I bought on my own. But I never would have disrespected my parents. My daughter, by the way, wasn't directly swearing AT me, she was just dropping the F-bomb unnecessarily in her sentences. I'm not saying it's right. I should have stopped her a long time ago. It's a hard behaviour to stop.
2 people like this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
14 Jan 18
I never swore in front of my parents and in fact I don't ever remember cursing at all. I was raised in a strict home and paid room and board when I got a full time job. I paid for my own cars and also my bills. I also bought my own cloths after graduating school. I believe in the old days kids had more respect for the adults because we were raised so strict. Families also did not have money to throw away.
My 17 year old grandson goes to high school half a day and culinary school the other half. He helps my daughter with some bills and or food shopping and he does most of the cooking. My daughter had been divorced since my grandson was young.
1 person likes this
@NJChicaa (120188)
• United States
14 Jan 18
@patgalca you put up with a lot of garbage that you shouldn’t deal with. Until you put your foot down, things will never change. And I don’t know why you WOULDN’T want a 23 year old child to move out. It isn’t normal for them to stay at home forever.
1 person likes this
@silvermist (19702)
• India
23 Jan 17
@patgalca The thing is children this age think they have so many rights compared to duties and manners.Eventually they may understand what they did was wrong.But by then they would have their own children who behave exactly like this to their mother.
And yes,your husband should have admonished your daughter when she started to talk like this.
2 people like this
@patgalca (18394)
• Orangeville, Ontario
15 Jan 18
@ramapo17 Honestly, there are several places where this could all be coming from. Kids learn what they live. I had a quite the temper when they were younger, so that doesn't help. Her biological father's mother was not right in the head from what I understand. She is working hard, she goes off when she is tired. We take things out on the people closest to us because we know they will always love us. When she is tired she doesn't talk much or is angry, when she has had a couple of days off she is a sweetheart and fun to be with. I let he know when she has gone too far. Things are better these days.
Do you realize this discussion was posted a year ago?
1 person likes this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
14 Jan 18
@patgalca I do not agree with that. Most of the young people I know are very respectful. I do not know of any of my kids friends that are disrespectful. If they get in the wrong crowd and hang around with the wrong people that is what happens to them.
@Marilynda1225 (83103)
• United States
23 Jan 17
I hope you can find a way to co-exist with your daughter while she is living with you. I wouldn't be able to tolerate the cursing especially if it was directed at me.
2 people like this
@patgalca (18394)
• Orangeville, Ontario
23 Jan 17
She has no choice. She can't move out until she purchases a vehicle, which she is saving to do and looking around for. And she and her boyfriend will be buying a house when they find the right thing. The cursing is not really directed at me. She just sprinkles that stupid F-bomb in her sentences like the guys she hangs out with do. My younger daughter has been very church oriented but after working at the car parts factory her language began to worsen. I was able to call her on it and she would apologize.
2 people like this
@patgalca (18394)
• Orangeville, Ontario
23 Jan 17
She has had issues for a long time. She was a very angry tween. She can't move out until she can afford to buy her own vehicle otherwise she can't get to work. When she was away at school and felt so terribly alone I talked to her often and I told her, "You will always have a home here." I can't really go back on that. My husband, however, had the mentality that you move out as soon as you turn 18, yet he hasn't enforced that with his own kids. No spine.
@stacysdeadright (232)
• United States
28 Mar 17
you are completely right. I'm not a parent... yet but I do agree with you having nipped in the bud early. Truthfully I do not think that you had to wait for your husband to discipline your child. I have been chastised by both of my parents and a little spanking did more good than harm on my behalf. I know for a fact that I would be more disrespectful if I had not been punished for my actions early on.
2 people like this
@patgalca (18394)
• Orangeville, Ontario
29 Mar 17
I had this conversation with my husband the other day and he said, in our day we got spanked. We can't do that now. His work partner's kids never liked their stop mother and disrespected her. There was nothing they could do because he would go to work and the kids would just leave so grounding did no good. But, we hit our kids today and we land in jail.
@ElusiveButterfly (45940)
• United States
26 Jan 17
My daughter once went off on me. I sat in silence and let her vent. My husband then came out and let her have it both barrels. She cried, went to her room and cried. Then we had calm.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45940)
• United States
26 Jan 17
@patgalca want me to send my husband to give him a lesson? He is good for standing up for me. Or I could send you my brass bells take out the e and and an a for you to give him.
1 person likes this
@patgalca (18394)
• Orangeville, Ontario
26 Jan 17
@ElusiveButterfly When my daughter turned 18 she wanted her curfew lifted. I said no. She said she is an adult. I said, "You're driving my car". So she went to her father who agreed that at 18 she didn't need a curfew. I was livid. I told him "You don't make the rules around here. You never have. She is driving my car, she needs to be home by 1:30." Well of course when I mentioned the car he agreed with me. But the damage had been done. I'm just glad it took soooo many years for my kids to clue in that their father wouldn't go against them.
Imagine what my kids would be like if I hadn't become ill and unable to work. They needed me home for very good reason. They need parenting, not babysitting.
2 people like this
@PatZAnthony (14749)
• Charlotte, North Carolina
28 Jan 17
Parents or those controlling the space one lives in have the right to have rules. Maybe put these on papers. Many with younger children do this.
@patgalca (18394)
• Orangeville, Ontario
29 Jan 17
With some you have to get them when they're young. Because my daughter was very angry as a tween, had an ulcer when she was young, and to this day has anxiety issues, I tend to tip-toe around her. I hate to add fuel to any fire. When I went to my grade 8 graduation class reunion last spring, I was told as a kid that I was the peace keeper, I didn't like people making waves, that I kept confrontation to a minimum. I had no idea but I guess I am still like that.
@Bella128 (2471)
• United States
23 Jan 17
Ugh, I feel for you. I went through a horrible divorce that wrecked me mentally so that's why I'm currently staying with my parents but I would NEVER act like how your daughter acts. I don't know if you can do this or not but I wonder if just changing your wifi password and not let her have it would send the message. That way if she wants internet she would have to get it and pay for it herself. As far as the cell phone thing, I don't think she should be getting the phone for free either, if that's what I'm understanding. Obviously I'm in a different situation and I've already moved out and came back but I'm paying all of those things myself and that seems to keep peace in my family and makes me work hard and appreciate what I have AND figure out what I really need. I hear these stories too much these days though and I think it's just the mentality of the "kids" that are this age. I don't know if you were looking for this kind of advice but if you don't enforce rules now things won't be changing anytime soon.
2 people like this
@patgalca (18394)
• Orangeville, Ontario
23 Jan 17
I'm not going to deny my daughter use of the internet. I do think she should be helping out financially but she needs to buy a car in order to move out, and she and her boyfriend are looking for both a vehicle and a home. It won't be too long before she moves out. I should have stopped the swearing earlier. She hangs out with guys that talk like that, even her boyfriend, and her boyfriend talks that way in front of his mother (not sure about his father) but when asked he said he does not swear AT her. They're also allowed to sleep together in his parents' home even though the mother admitted to me that she didn't like it. So many parents today are too lenient with their kids. I am both father and mother in this house as my husband won't do or say anything. It's his call as far as the money is concerned but he feels she has bills to pay and once she moves out she will be removed from the phone plan no doubt. The last thing I want to do is have my daughter move out out of anger and not talk to me for months maybe even years.
@patgalca (18394)
• Orangeville, Ontario
24 Jan 17
@amitkokiladitya I hold my husband equally responsible. He has a great relationship with my daughter and can talk to her because he has never argued, never stepped in, never disciplined. I talked to him about it. He really has to step up... but he won't.
1 person likes this
@amitkokiladitya (171927)
• Agra, India
24 Jan 17
@patgalca try talking after a few days and make her realize
@Slayqueen (918)
• India
23 Jan 17
I don't know anything about parenting because I am 19.. but I can never be disrespectful to my parents. My dad is very strict and my mom is very sweet but gets worried about me all the time.. sometimes i have to hide things from them and can't be open to them because I have to live by their rules till I move out..
