Lost and Desolate
By Amber
@AmbiePam (93891)
United States
April 3, 2017 3:46pm CST
I don't know how to help my grandmother. A lot of you are familiar with my posts, but for those who aren't, I'll give you short recap. My maternal grandmother is now residing in assisted living, and she had to sell her house to get away from her son, who lives in the one right next to hers. Her husband, her daughter (my mom) are both dead, and all that is left is my thoughtless (previous discussions go into more detail) uncle who had my grandmother waiting on him hand foot (he has health problems, and refuses to let an aide come in). Because she "can't" say no to him, she sold her house, and car so she wouldn't have a way to get to him without someone else driving her.
She's miserable. She's been there for a month, and she's so despondent. She was crying, and she told me she lost her husband, daughter, and now she's lost her home with so many memories. She had to part with so many things because of her move, and she is stuck in the living facility. She's been so used to doing her own thing, and she doesn't want to do any of the activities some of the other residents do. She is a bit different from the other residents, because she told me the other residents are there because they have to. Their health problems necessitated their move to the facility. She misses cooking, and that doesn't surprise me because being a great cook was something she loved, and it was her way of helping others, and now she feels helpless.
I'm going to bring her some things when I see her next, but I can't think of anything that is truly going to make a difference. Some of her misery has been directed towards my sister and brother-in-law, which I'll get into later. She even yelled at me one evening on the phone, which she has never done before.
25 people like this
29 responses
@GardenGerty (160952)
• United States
8 Apr 17
@AmbiePam Not sure how it is in your state, just know the facilities here. Often the recreation director, or activities director, will plan cooking activities with residents.
2 people like this
@BarBaraPrz (47667)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
3 Apr 17
Since she doesn't need the help, she should have looked into a retirement facility that has housekeeping units. But maybe none was available at the time.
3 people like this
@BarBaraPrz (47667)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
6 Apr 17
@AmbiePam Definitely. She would have her independence but help would be there for her if/when she needed it. My godmother was in such a place and had only rented an air conditioner instead of buying one because she didn't think she'd live as long as she did after moving in... several years.
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
3 Apr 17
It's sad that she's feeling this way, but I think in time she'll get over it. She needs to meet a few friends there and play cards or bingo with them or something..
3 people like this
@AmbiePam (93891)
• United States
4 Apr 17
I wanted her to just try to do something with the other residents, but I could tell by her voice it wasn't a good idea to try to convince her, at least not yet. Because I agree.
On the plus side, she did go to the church service the facility has every Sunday.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
4 Apr 17
@AmbiePam Well that's a start. Perhaps she'll make some friends there. I am sure it's quite depressing to give up your entire life.. but she has to remember why she's doing it.
2 people like this
@Juliaacv (51588)
• Canada
4 Apr 17
I cannot imagine how difficult it is to be going thru this with her. I'm so sorry.
If it is any consolation, when I worked in a home, I can assure you that pretty much every single resident goes thru similar issues after they move in. Its almost a feeling of abandonment, that life has put them I this place and they don't know anyone and nothing is familiar and they turn to those that they know, their families to place the blame. But just try to realize that this is a transitional time in her life and this will not last.
3 people like this
@owlandbutterfly (304)
• United States
3 Apr 17
What about helping her find an organization that she can volunteer for, like a soup kitchen? She can help others in the community by doing what she loves.
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (160952)
• United States
8 Apr 17
@AmbiePam How about knitting or crocheting? She could make items to be included as fillers in Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes? She could do that sitting down and be safer.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (93891)
• United States
8 Apr 17
@GardenGerty Good idea. I ought to bring that up with her.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (93891)
• United States
4 Apr 17
I think that's a great idea, but she might be too limited. She walks with a cane, halfway bent over because her back surgeries were kind of wasted due to her being overworked by her son. Every time she walks I swear she looks like she's going to fall. But maybe there is something to your suggestion. Surely there is something. I'll start looking, thank you.
3 people like this
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
3 Apr 17
Can she move into an apartment so that she can be more independent and cook and do things she likes? I'm sorry she is so miserable. That was a huge change for her to make and she must still be in emotional shock from it. I hope it gets better as time goes by.
3 people like this
@AmbiePam (93891)
• United States
4 Apr 17
It's actually financially better for her to go into the assisted living facility. Where she lives, and the places surrounding, the apartments are really expensive. I like your idea. I wish she would. But I think if she had her own apartment she'd eventually want her car, and she has told me over and over if she had a car she knows she wouldn't be able to keep from going over to his house and waiting on him. I'll never understand.
And thank you for your support.
2 people like this
@allen0187 (58582)
• Philippines
6 Apr 17
So sorry that you have to go through this. Hope things pan out right for you and your grandmother.
2 people like this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
8 Apr 17
yes she is terrible depressed. it happens when we no longer have any control over anything in our life. some of us just don't cope well with change and the loss of so much. did she get to bring nothing much with her like photos and things she treasured?
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (93891)
• United States
8 Apr 17
She brought as many things as she could. She was able to bring her own love seat and chair. She also brought the four poster bed my mom slept in as a teen, which was good. But there was not room for most of her things. One important thing she did get to bring was her late mother's beauty shop sign. In the 1940s and 50s her mom ran a beauty shop out of their home. My grandmother always had it in her yard wherever she lived. Thankfully, the facility let her put it right outside her "living room" window. That was big for her.
2 people like this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
8 Apr 17
@AmbiePam lets just hope it is taking her time to settle in and she will get better. i know i am concerned about moving to such a place also. just keep putting it off
1 person likes this
@Shellyann36 (11384)
• United States
9 Apr 17
@AmbiePam It sounds as if the place is being very courteous to her. Can you explain a bit more about the sort of place it is? When I think of assisted living, I see an apartment type dwelling where residents have their own little home, including a kitchen.
2 people like this
@OreoBrownie (3755)
• Commerce, Georgia
5 Apr 17
She should get a lawyer to get him off the paperwork so he has no authority.
3 people like this
@BelleStarr (61101)
• United States
4 Apr 17
Adjustment can take quite a while, I hope that she makes friends who she can socialize with, it is so important for the elderly.
3 people like this
@Marilynda1225 (83118)
• United States
3 Apr 17
Its sad to hear that your grandma is so despondent. It must be hard for her going from being so independent to having to live by rules and regulations. I don't know what's going to make it better but maybe in time she'll adjust? Guess all you can do is be a good listener so she has a place where she can vent
3 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
6 Apr 17
I'm so sorry that the transition isn't going well. Just know that the version of her that yelled at you on the phone wasn't the real her.... it's the version of her that is sad at this new transition. Maybe remind her that even though her home is sold - she stills has her memories and nothing can take that away. I wonder if staff there would come up with something so she could cook? Are there any units there with kitchenettes? If you ask me it is uncle who should be in a place since he obviously needs to bother your grandma in order to live, then he should be in a group home or something where there are able bodied staff to help him.... but I know it isn't always that easy. Best of luck...
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (93891)
• United States
7 Apr 17
She has a very small kitchenette, with a microwave and a very small fridge.There is no stove, unfortunately. I've asked a cousin who lives nearby about possibly having my grandmother over to cook for her, under the guise of her teaching my cousin some of her "famous" dishes. There are a couple of dishes of my grandmother's that everyone moons over. Right now that cousin is really busy, but hopefully, sometime in the future that will happen.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
7 Apr 17
@AmbiePam That was good thinking. I don't blame grandmother for being upset, microwave cooking, isn't cooking in my opinion.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160952)
• United States
8 Apr 17
I thought I had responded to this, but obviously not. I know that there are certain standards that care facilities follow that include planning activities and trying to involve residents, activities that are group or activities that are one on one with the social worker or social services designee, or activity director. Also, if there was one person your grandmother felt was being helped by her being there, it would cheer her. Perhaps there is someone who might need her company and caring.
1 person likes this
@Shellyann36 (11384)
• United States
9 Apr 17
I hate to hear that she had to get away from her son due to this sort of thing. I hope that it can all be worked out for her. Perhaps just letting her visit your home on the weekends or when you can, will be a great help.
1 person likes this
@Shellyann36 (11384)
• United States
11 Apr 17
@AmbiePam Oh that much distance always makes it tough. I hope you can get it all sorted out. I know how it feels to have a loved one in such a place and they don't like it one bit.
1 person likes this
@TiarasOceanView (70022)
• United States
4 Apr 17
Hi Ambie.
It was your grandmother's choice to go into the nursing home?
Or was she forced out by social workers?
Sorry just not clear to me, though I remember you telling us about her before.
I am also a similar situation with my Mother.
She waits hand and foot on my useless 22 yr old nephew but he actually lives with her.
She just won't stop and it is her choice. As you know she just got finished with treatment for cancer.
The situation is beyond words.
So I have to just leave her to it, as this is the way she wants it.
My wicked sister has POA on my Mom, but lives in another state and so I can't do anything.
It is her apartment and he is on the lease also, tho he pays absolutely no rent.
She pays for it all, food and everything. There is more to this than I am saying here but it is causing me great stress, worry, and rage to say the least.
She is a free agent however, and I cannot interfere, so I can only let her live how she wants to live.
If it were my Mother in that home, she would be the same way..so I know what you mean.
It is so difficult and you have my compassion about this.
It was your grandmother's choice to go into the nursing home?
Or was she forced out by social workers?
Sorry just not clear to me, though I remember you telling us about her before.
I am also a similar situation with my Mother.
She waits hand and foot on my useless 22 yr old nephew but he actually lives with her.
She just won't stop and it is her choice. As you know she just got finished with treatment for cancer.
The situation is beyond words.
So I have to just leave her to it, as this is the way she wants it.
My wicked sister has POA on my Mom, but lives in another state and so I can't do anything.
It is her apartment and he is on the lease also, tho he pays absolutely no rent.
She pays for it all, food and everything. There is more to this than I am saying here but it is causing me great stress, worry, and rage to say the least.
She is a free agent however, and I cannot interfere, so I can only let her live how she wants to live.
If it were my Mother in that home, she would be the same way..so I know what you mean.
It is so difficult and you have my compassion about this.1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (93891)
• United States
4 Apr 17
Oh wow, you're in a bad situation too. I am so sorry.
My grandmother chose to go to the assisted living facility. Her sisters brought her to the hospital with pneumonia, and she literally went from the hospital to the assisted living facility. She was just completely spent. She tried to get my uncle to go to a place so she could sell his house, but he threw a fit and she relented.
1 person likes this
@TiarasOceanView (70022)
• United States
11 Apr 17
@AmbiePam Oh dear, what a mess she has to deal with so sorry to hear this Ambie. Yeah nothing has changed here. I am well fed up. All I have done gets no thanks just more abuse all around. I am done and spent.
1 person likes this
@jillybean1222 (6407)
•
10 Apr 17
aw, i'm so sorry. i dont' have an y advice. Just sending some positive thoughts your way
1 person likes this
@CRK109 (14556)
• United States
8 Apr 17
How old is she? It's so sad that there was nowhere else she could have gone where she could have lived more of her life on her own terms. I understand her frustrations so much because I'd feel the same if it had all been taken away from me like that. I hope and pray that she's able to find some peace somehow. She definitely deserves that.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (93891)
• United States
11 Apr 17
She is about to turn 80. Maybe in the end it's for the best. She fell once in her driveway, and had to call for help on her cell phone. She wasn't hurt, but if she hadn't had her phone I don't know how she would have gotten help. Her useless son couldn't have gone out to help her up. I think if only she'd had time to prepare for it. But she did it so quickly there was no time to adjust.
@Gita17112016 (3611)
• Trinidad And Tobago
11 Apr 17
This is so sad to hear and so hard to bare. What is the world coming to when children abuses their parents? I think it is hard to lose family, a house and your freedom all at the same time. The fact that she sold her house is sad. Wow! is that her real son?
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (93891)
• United States
11 Apr 17
He was born three years before my late mom. I don't know how they ended up so different. My mom was an angel. So was my late grandfather. I don't know how my uncle came from the same genetics and turned out so badly. Unfortunately, my grandmother just constantly made excuses for him.
He's still oblivious to the fact that this is all his fault.
