I am not good with this emotion stuff.

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Yesterday was a day full of numbness and trying to stay strong. Of being the person that I needed to be for the sake of my family. Today has been about that too, but it's not been easy. Yesterday was scary because a part of me hoped she would be okay, even as the other part of me knew that she wouldn't be. I could not hide away, I could not run. I had to be the strong one and answer questions, and listen to things I did not want to know. I woke up this morning without my grandmother. I ate dinner last night without her as well. Now I must be housemaid (and admittedly I should have been better about that when she was living) and caregiver. I have to be out of my shell a lot more than I want to be. I have to be a better person for them, but also for myself. Yesterday I had selfish thoughts. I wanted her back. I wanted her back because things could go back to normal. Today I just want normal. I just want to go on and be okay without my grandmother. I will never be okay without my grandmother. She was a mother when my mother was going through her own health issues and unable to be a mother. She was a confidant and she was an adversary sometimes too. Our family is in shambles, but it was divided far before yesterday. I don't want platitudes (Platitudes are things meant to console a person that is grieving but that often times are over used so no "I will pray for you, I am so sorry for your loss." please. Though "I am thinking of you" is acceptable.) and I ask that you please understand I only posted this here because it helps me to digest the past few days.