I hate my parents

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Why do I hate my parents? Is it normal to hate your parents? Trust me, the feeling is real. I am not underage, I don’t have any mental disability, I have thought it through and it’s a disturbing feeling. The little things i can ignore, but what about the everyday arguments? Everything i do is wrong, maybe they wanted a male child instead, maybe i was born unintentionally, maybe i am not their biological child, i ask myself tons of questions. What’s worse, i have no enough finances to depend on myself cause i would have left without thinking twice, yes, they do the normal responsibilities, that is, provide me with shelter, food and clothes. But the rest, nope. They say very mean things on purpose to lower my self esteem. I feel like every time they are not in a good mood they have me to use as a punching bag. It’s sad that they don’t do this to my siblings. When u cry, they laugh, it’s like they think i am a robot, i don’t have real feelings, i shade crocodile tears. I wish to get someone to hear me out and help but I fear it will be hard for me to prove how badly they treat me as long as they give me a place to stay and food, people would think I am just overreacting and that I am just seeking more freedom. They are not understanding so even if i talk to them about it, they don’t give me a chance to express myself and shut me up with more hateful words. They can never understand how what they say is hurting me. They can’t control themselves. I don’t hate the core person but their actions and words. My dad does not want ne to follow my dreams, he wants me to be a banker like him, follow his dreams. He is constantly picking fights with me, i am always reminded of how stupid I am, every time i do something he doesn’t like, he reminds me of all my previous past mistakes. I hate my mom more cause mothers are more sympathetic but she is not. My dad was never this way, she made him despise me, what mother does that? With the way she treated me from birth, it made me love my father more and she knew it, it got her upset more, i was in pre school when i told her I hate her after she hurt me, and guess what she answered? “I hate you too”..Maybe my father’s love for me was a threat to her that’s why it was important for her to destroy the beautiful relationship I had with my father, he is like her now. Even when i used to beat the pass mark, also be among top ten, top five, top three, he would never congratulate me, neither buy me any gift even if i became the second in class he will always compare me with the first person in class. “What does he have that you don’t? He is that brighter than you?” So I studied so hard and became the first in class, I was so happy, I thought he would have felt the same way and he’d probably get me a gift but no, he told me it will be good if I will maintain that position, I gave up trying so hard to please him ever since...Mom used to take away money from me, once my money for swimming lessons that dad gave me, so now i can’t swim. When my dad gave her money for our shopping, she’d use it all on my younger brothers and say they need it more, i have more than enough but she will take me for shopping some other time. I used to not eat sometimes, i’d save money for future use and give her to keep the money for me, one day I asked her where it is, she said she doesn’t have it. I wasn’t even a teenager yet, why take money from a child? All I ever did to help her out when she needed help, I’d split my school allowance to give her some, as a student not even his sons do that, all they do is drain her, but that has never mattered to her. She made me too worried about pleasing. My whole life, i felt isolated and alone, even at school because her words got to me, i felt maybe i truly don’t deserve love from other people, i felt maybe i was too weird and unlovable, i can never find anyone who can stand me. I spent my whole life seeking live from friends, boyfriends cause I wanted emotional support, to feel that I can be loved by other people, that I am not as bad ad I think of myself, I would rather have fake boyfriends to tell me lies just to feel good about myself. Cause i was breaking, Some people can never understand what I am facing because some feel like they went through what U am going through right now at some point in their lives but no! I know experiences differ, my experience is one of a kind. Only someone going through the exact same thing would understand, they are our parents after all. She invades my privacy all the time, I once had a diary that I wrote all my secrets, and she read it. She attacks me with words anywhere and in front of anyone, i feel stripped off all the time, I feel like my siblings can never really respect me because of that. They allow my second younger brother some things they refuse me to do, like driving...If I wear something she doesn’t like she would say I look like a village house maid. “You look rough......you love to wear those ugly shoes, you have many shoes in your closet, why not wear them?....I won’t walk with you wearing that, don’t even talk to me when we are on the street....even if our destination is the same, let us take different routes, you look like a grandma wearing that” Maybe it’s true that I sometimes don’t look my best but there is a better way for a mother to talk to you about it, she is very mean. I don’t even cry anymore cause my pain has turned into anger and that has affected my relationship with others, I feel like it affected me psychologically, at some point, I started treating others the way they treat me. I once ran away from home because I qas tired if the way they treated me plus they were forcing me to study what I am not enthusiastic about but I couldn’t, I called her to pick me uo, I thought it would have atleast be of concern to them and treat me better, but I made it worse, they were like “this is what we deserve for everything we have ever done for you?.....running away doesn’t help and it won’t change anything, you will do exactly what we want, it won’t stop us” Once I got a boyfriend I felt like he was my savior, for once i had someone who made me feel good about myself and happy, I never went back home cause I finally had a big break from them but worse enough I got pregnant before I was married, it gave them reason enough to prove all they said about me was true all along. It’s like life finds a way to make me look bad and make them seem right with the way they should treat me. And I have suffered for that. I still try to find my way out and I know I eventually will some day. Some consequences I have noticed to have had: • Inability to make decisions (second-guessing and more second-guessing) • Never able to articulate what I want, because I never seem to know (Should I stay in this job? Leave? What do I want to do instead?) • Loss of self • Too eager to please • Too accepting of responsibility for others (from family to work responsibilities) • Susceptible to criticism • Lack of resilience • Incapable of joy/prone to sadness • Susceptible to guilt, shame • Lack of boundaries • No vocabulary to express self • Anxious demeanor (waiting for the next bad thing to happen) • Watchful, attuned to the states of mind of other people What to do when you notice you have these signs?