need forgiveness and being shunned
@OreoBrownie (3755)
Commerce, Georgia
January 14, 2021 10:36pm CST
Please note that this is a long post. I took a lot of my brain power to write it.
So, hii everyone. It has probably been a year or more since I have posted anything. First I will remind those who remember me that I reside in a nursing home. I am here for life. Over the last year or longer I have been having declining mental sharpness and having terrible errors of behavior and judgment.
To bring you all up to speed, my doctor said that I have very slight dementia, but I have severe short term memory loss. I want to get back to what I mentioned about bad behavior and judgment about 6 or 7 months ago I had a long stretch of days and nights without sleep. This somehow got me in the mood to insult someone who was taking time out of her life to teach me about her religious beliefs. You see, she is J. W. , (I put the initials for the religion so maybe I won't break any rules). Anyway I messaged her after going through some sort of manic episode. (As far as I know I am not bipolar, so there's that.)
One morning, about 3 A. M., I was running crazy thoughts through my head about what I was trying to learn and understand. I said stuff about the JW Bible not making any sense in places. I said that it was way far off from my King James and NIV bibles. Anyway, I said that my cousin paired me up with her to teach me, since she is also of the same faith. I said to my cousin that if I didn't change my beliefs after having some instruction with her, that maybe I could just make a friendship with her. My cousin had assured me that maybe that could be so.
So, to try and come to my point, I suddenly went a little crazy that one night and said I had hoped to get to know her, but I didn't think I wanted to become a J. W. I also said that I saw on line on a video where the maker of that video said it was a cult and not a real Christian religion. What a stupid and mean thing to do!
Those who know me, should know (I hope) that I am not a mean person and I don't try to hurt people. I hate myself for doing what I did.
My doctor has had reports at how confused and agitated I get. I also had a mini-stroke and I had a bad case of COVID-19 that did some damage to my brain or my thinking. Whatever it is, I don't know. My doctor put me on an Alzhymers medicine three months ago. My short-term memory is so bad, and I will get to that in another post.
So, my teacher (that I hoped to be friends with) got really hurt and upset at the horrible things I said, and rightly so. She emailed my cousin who had paired us up and forwarded my message on to her. So my cousin waits a couple of months to message me, and when she did, she said it would be a very long time before she will ever contact me again. She said when I insulted my teacher, it was the same as insulting her.
Now, I love my cousin like she is my sister. But we lost contact with each other for about 30 years prior. It was over differences in our religions. I liked the holidays and she stopped observing Christmas, Easter and other holidays. Our differences caused a rift between us. She wrote me way back those 30 years ago and said she felt sorry for me. We never spoke again until about 2 years ago when she found out I was in a nursing home.
So now, here we are. Two women are shunning me. I have asked twice for forgiveness. I told them both how sorry I was. They ignore me. I don't exist.
So, I really want to make things right between us all, but I don't know how. Please help me to stop being invisible. I love my cousin so much. I know my cousin loved me before I went crazy and sent a hurtful message. We both felt so deeply for each other we would break out in tears sometimes.
So now what? Do I just go on with my life without my cousin in it?
I'm still very confused at where my beliefs lie. It is like I have walked away from all religious affiliations and I just believe in a higher power in the universe. I feel like if they would shun me, maybe God is doing it too, because I must be deserving of it.
I hope you can follow my train of thought through this long post.. please be gentle if you can. I'm already in tears as I write this because I feel so much shame for what I did.
Hope it all makes sense. I'm still recovering from a mini-stroke and a COVID.
12 people like this
11 responses
@owlwings (43910)
• Cambridge, England
15 Jan 21
First of all, let's get this straight. God is NOT shunning you. He cares for you and is helping you, though you may not be able to feel it right now. All you have to do is to say 'hello' and ask for His help. Then listen.
Your cousin seems to take her time about answering messages (she took a couple of months to message you after hearing from your teacher?) so it may be that she is thinking about the situation and not ignoring you. In any case, it seems that what you said about JWs was more of a comment about a stumbling block you had in learning about the faith than an actual insult, though it does depend rather on what you actually said.
I regularly have JWs call at my door. They are nice, friendly people but I don't want to be 'converted'. I let them leave the Watchtower (which I do read) and tell them that I already have a relationship with God, which seems to satisfy them. If your teacher felt offended or insulted by you, I think that is mostly her problem. Same with your cousin. People who are that sensitive about their faith may not be as strong in it as they think they are. Maybe you should pray for them (as, perhaps, you do already).
6 people like this
@Michellekidwell (29427)
• Sonora, California
15 Jan 21
I’m a Christian, and think your cousins actions are far from Christ like. I don’t think we deserve everything negative in life that happens to us, I’ve lost to many beautiful, good, kind people in my family to believe that! I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
5 people like this
@OreoBrownie (3755)
• Commerce, Georgia
15 Jan 21
thank you Michelle. It seems like people divide themselves from others if they believe in a different God or God. Or if they don't believe.
@Michellekidwell (29427)
• Sonora, California
15 Jan 21
@OreoBrownie Not all Christians are like that, though sadly many are!
2 people like this
@Michellekidwell (29427)
• Sonora, California
9 Mar 21
@OreoBrownie I am sorry to hear that, I’m a Christian, but to me that does not seem like a very Christian thing to do. I hope things improve for you!
@GardenGerty (161080)
• United States
15 Jan 21
You make more sense than a lot of people. I will also say that if someone loves you, they forgive you. It still may not be possible for them to FORGET what is done and be in contact with you, I am sorry for that. Continue to seek after God, not religion, and God will reveal Himself to you. You have done what you can to make amends and now it is up to them to demonstrate God's love and forgiveness to you, even if they do not want to be in constant contact. I will remind you that you have many friends here and encourage you to visit us.
3 people like this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
16 Jan 21
First thing first, God has forgiven you and loves you so much that He gave His only Son to die for you. That is a HIGH price He paid for YOU! Just because people don't know who they were truly created to be doesn't mean God is anything like that, He is not. His promises and word NEVER come back void. He is a good Father. =)
You apologized, that is all you can do. Jesus is all about forgiveness and grace. I am so sorry they aren't showing you those! I don't follow religion, I have a relationship with Jesus and it is amazing!! All about love, grace, mercy, being selfless, blessing others and forgiveness. PRAY FOR THEM! Ask God to show them who they truly are, ask Him to open their eyes and hearts to Jesus. That's all you can do from here, I will be praying for them as well.
It's not about following holidays or not--and that is not a reason a relationship should end, in my opinion anyway.
3 people like this
@OreoBrownie (3755)
• Commerce, Georgia
15 Jan 21
thank you Judy. I keep going, but I think of her daily.
2 people like this
@OreoBrownie (3755)
• Commerce, Georgia
15 Jan 21
I do for awhile and then I get to missing Judy, and I think about wishing Martha would have been my friend.
2 people like this
. There are so many just around you who will give the love, care and understanding that you deserve.
@LadyDuck (472213)
• Switzerland
15 Jan 21
I am sorry to hear that your cousin did something so stupid. You have the right to celebrate the holidays as you like, she can do what she wants, but not impose her ideas, this is rude and ignorant.
Go on with your life, some people do not deserve your friendship.
3 people like this
@OreoBrownie (3755)
• Commerce, Georgia
15 Jan 21
I know, and she was my 'bestest' friend, sister and cousin. It has made me feel so sad to be rejected. She said if Santa Clause and Christmas is so important to me, then it means I love the holidays more than I love her. So she and Martha have both shunned me.
@LadyDuck (472213)
• Switzerland
15 Jan 21
@OreoBrownie You did not deserve such rude words and they are showing that they are selfish and careless. Love means to respect also what the other like.
2 people like this
@macayada (1497)
• Cavite City, Philippines
16 Jan 21
@OreoBrownie OMG, their childish thought. In my religion, we do not celebrate christmas too, only giving thanks to the Almighty but we do respect others in their beliefs. When Christmas is coming we also feel the air of enjoying it and the excitement in the face of the busy people as they prepare for it. I don't see anything wrong if others are celebrating, having fun. Just have Respect
3 people like this
@kareng (62441)
• United States
13 Feb 21
I think you have done the Christian thing to do and apologize. You don't need to do anything else. I do not belive in the JW way. I am a born again Christian. We all have our own flaws but that doesn't matter to God. He loves us all. I would keep your cousin and her friend in your prayers that maybe one day they will see the light and convert. Take care!
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
28 Feb 21
I think no one should be forcing their belief on you or anyone. We are living in America where you are allowed that.
Anyway it's her loss not yours. You give her love unconditionally . She is family and should be the same. I hope you stop feeling bad about it. That's all I can think to say. 
1 person likes this
@bird123 (10643)
• United States
1 Feb 21
Should you really need forgiving or to ask for forgiveness? I don't think so!!! Let's examine just what you did. You questioned. You placed Truth in their lives. I would say God is smiling not condemning you.
So many times people try to avoid Drama, however Drama is where most of the learning takes place. Drama should be worked through not avoided.
You are exactly who these people need in their lives. You weren't being crazy. You were being you. Great Job!!
No one can guaranty the actions of another. Allow the people in your life to make free choices. Do not beg forgiveness nor make excuses. Be who you are and be proud of who you are. Do what you have been doing. Share that which is Special about you with others even if some toes get stepped on.
Communication is key in every relationship. Give Unconditional Love to all those around you. Unconditional Love does what is Best for the other not give them everything they want. Do not speak of forgiveness. Speak of how you Love these people.
Unconditional Love is very powerful. Unconditional Love is very hard to walk away from. You might just discover those around you are crying for the Unconditional Love they are lacking in their lives.
Let's don't stop there. Giving the world and people Unconditional Love is like a magnet that will draw people toward you. It will not only change your life but all the lives around you.
Never apologize for living for you are here for very good reasons. You aren't done yet.
1 person likes this
@cmoneyspinner (9219)
• Austin, Texas
16 Jan 21
A mini-stroke and COVID? My dear, right now you need to focus on your own healing. Your physical and mental healing is your priority. In this life, family and friends can either be understanding and forgiving or NOT! The same for goes for you. You can be either be understanding and forgiving or NOT! Whatever decision they make, it's on them. Whatever decision you make, it's on you! Try to reconcile if you can. Take one day at a time. Do your best. That's all you can do.
2 people like this
@macayada (1497)
• Cavite City, Philippines
16 Jan 21
I read all the comments here and they are all healing kind of words. I hope an encouragement to move on will always be put into mind from now on.
@macayada (1497)
• Cavite City, Philippines
16 Jan 21
Dear friend, you already asked for forgiveness and that's it. They are in a position to be more understanding of your situation and at the same time they are religious and therefore should humble themselves in the eyes of our creator. There is love in caring, understanding and acceptance and you did that instead of them. You can find friends who will treat you more as a brother/sister and that is written in the book. Do not stress yourself in looking for them or waiting for them to appear. You should be the one to forgive them.
