Cremation is not always the simple option

Tweet

Decades ago, burial was the ‘norm’ after death in the UK and cremation was rare. Many of my relatives are buried in the cemetery in the village where I grew up. But as cemeteries get fuller, and families more scattered, cremation is becoming more and more common. This has now led to another difficulty though – what to do with the ashes of the deceased? When someone is buried, it has to happen relatively soon and in a defined place, and that’s that – over and done with. When they are cremated, the ashes are returned to the family – and then what do they do with them? Some families keep their loved one’s ashes in an urn or pot of some sort in the house. Eventually of course that generation dies and someone else inherits the ashes. And then later they might be forgotten and rediscovered years later by someone who doesn’t realise what is in the pot, and just throws it out or accidentally uses the contents for something else, mistakiing them for pepper or something. Some people specify that they want their ashes scattered in a certain place – this can cause damage if it happens often enough – so many people have had their ashes scattered around the summit of mount Snowden (highest mountain in England and Wales) that it has affected the ecology of the area and changed the nature of the local flora! Others leave no specific instructions, so then what to do? This is on my mind as both my parents have died some years ago now and I still have the ashes here. I thought of scattering their ashes in places that each of them loved – but then they would be in separate places, would that matter? Should they be together? Should I inter them in the local cemetery with other family (although that would only be my mother’s family)? Should I scatter some ashes in a favourite place and the rest together? Or is it weird to divide up their remains? My Dad said ‘just put me on the compost heap Fleur’ but so far I haven’t quite been able to bring myself to do that! All these questions, and meanwhile the ashes stay here waiting. And all that agonising when in reality, I know that the person I loved is gone and the ashes are probably just the remains of the box or could even just be a scoop of someone else – who knows what really goes on behind the closed door of the crematorium! Having mentioned this to other relatives and friends I know I am not alone in this. One colleague kept her mother’s ashes in her filing cabinet at work for several years. Others divided up their relative and scattered the ashes in several places that were important to them. One friend’s mother buried her husband’s ashes in the garden and planted a rose bush – but then a while later she moved to a smaller house so she dug up the bush plus a bucketful of soil/ashes and took it with her to the new house. And then a bit later she also died so her daughter then dug up the rose bush again and took it along with some of the soil to her house. Another friend lives in Austria and her mother lived in Italy. When her mother died, her body was cremated (and the ashes were handed over still warm! That in itself is a bit hard to deal with!) but then her daughter was not allowed to take the ashes home with her to Austria – apparently it isn’t permitted to keep someone’s ashes there. So instead she is trying to arrange with her brother to collect the ashes and bring them back to Britain, where they are all originally from, so they can all get together here to do something with them. How complicated. I always thought I would prefer my body to be cremated. I don’t fancy having my body dug up and analysed in a century or so by pathologists who will sequence my DNA, examine my skeleton, investigate the isotopes in my teeth.... The results might be interesting, but I still don’t want to be the subject. Cremation removes that possibility. But then what? I thought I’d like to have my ashes scattered at sea, but would that damage the ecosystem? Of course it also carries risks to friends and relatives while carrying out my wishes – not long ago a man drowned after falling into the sea when scattering a relative’s ashes. And then there is the risk that the ashes might blow back into the faces of the scatterers – or even onto the picnic lunch of nearby innocent seaside visitors! Maybe burial is easier after all. And if you happen to be murdered the body can be exhumed for further investigations! All rights reserved. © Text and image copyright Fleur 2022.