I need your help
By Jenaisle
@Jenaisle (14078)
Philippines
June 9, 2023 8:16am CST
I want to know if there’s something wrong with the paragraph below with regard to grammar, spelling, inappropriate sequence of words, or incorrect prepositions. It is a paragraph in one of my short stories.
ORIGINAL VERSION:
“We went back to cooking barbecue and talking about his experiences: how he had slipped on a pond because he was rushing to school; how he and his brother enjoyed their first rodeo and many others. These were all new to me so I listened with awe.”
I received great recommendations from our friends here, and these are the versions I got.
EDITED VERSION 1.
“We went back to cooking barbecue and talking about his experiences. He described how he had slipped in a stream because he was rushing to school. How he and his brother enjoyed their first rodeo and many others. These were all new to me so I listened with awe.”
EDITED VERSION 2.
“We went back to cooking barbecue and talking about his experiences. He described slipping on the smooth rocks covering the bed of a stream while rushing to school one morning because he was late. His eyes lit up as he recounted how he and his brother enjoyed their first rodeo. I listened with awe as these and the other memories he recalled were all new to me."
EDITED VERSION 3:
"While I cooked the barbecue, he discussed his experiences. He described how he slipped in the stream as he rushed to school. He also mentioned that he and his brother enjoyed their first rodeo, among other things. These were all new to me as I listened with awe."
EDITED VERSION 4
“We went back to cooking barbecue and talking about his experiences. He spoke of the time he'd slipped on the slick rocks in a stream on his way to school. He was rushing because he'd stopped to feed a stray cat. His eyes lit up as he recounted how he and his brother enjoyed their first rodeo. I listened with awe as these and the other memories he recalled were all new to me."
Don’t hesitate to point out any errors, please. Your comments would be greatly appreciated. I edited the original paragraph according to the recommendations. If you don't have any corrections, could you choose the BEST VERSION among these three versions, please?
Thank you.
Image is mine
13 people like this
13 responses
@wolfgirl569 (107968)
• Marion, Ohio
9 Jun 23
Alice and Anna mentioned the things that I see.
3 people like this
@wolfgirl569 (107968)
• Marion, Ohio
9 Jun 23
@Jenaisle It's a lot easier to read now.
2 people like this
@GoAskAlice (5827)
•
9 Jun 23
I think perhaps slipped 'in' a stream instead of 'on', unless the stream was frozen.
3 people like this
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Anyway, your suggestion is well-taken. Thank you so much and enjoy your day.
@snowy22315 (182023)
• United States
9 Jun 23
@Jenaisle Instead of how he slipped on a stream, I might have said He described how he slipped in a stream.The way you have it is OK, but I would probably say it differently. That doesn't mean yours is incorrect.
2 people like this
@DWDavis (25805)
• United States
9 Jun 23
Is this now the edited version of the paragraph? I have an idea or two based on this version. These probably go beyond what you were asking for as suggestions. If so, please forgive me.
In the second sentence, think about saying, "He described slipping on the smooth rocks covering the bed of a stream while rushing to school one morning because ..." and think of a reason he was rushing. Was he crossing the stream because it was a shortcut and he was running late?
In the third sentence, you could add how his eyes lit up when he described the excitement he and his brother felt attending their first rodeo while and leave off the "and many others."
In the last sentence, you might reword it this way, "I listened with awe as these and the other memories he recalled were all new to me."
I hope this is helpful.
1 person likes this
@Jenaisle (14078)
• Philippines
9 Jun 23
DW Davis @DWDavis There's nothing to forgive, I asked for recommendations and I got them. I appreciate you taking the time to participate.
The second sentence turned out to be too long. Perhaps, I could split it up into two sentences? How could I do it? Thank you for these great recommendations.
1 person likes this
@DWDavis (25805)
• United States
10 Jun 23
@Jenaisle Depending on how it reads after your latest change, you could word it something like:
"He spoke of the time he'd slipped on the slick rocks in a stream on his way to school. He was rushing because he'd stopped to {fill in with what he'd stopped to do}."
1 person likes this
@Jenaisle (14078)
• Philippines
10 Jun 23
@almostoveryou That's great. Please watch Dongyi afterward. Have fun with your friends as well. Rainy days are here again. 
@almostoveryou (4805)
• Philippines
10 Jun 23
@Jenaisle you're welcome. kinda having a slow and gloomy saturday. light rains are here and i've been feeling sleepy. i'm on episode 36 of temperature of love. we go out later for dinner with friends. hope your day's going well where you are.
1 person likes this
@Jenaisle (14078)
• Philippines
9 Jun 23
@RebeccasFarm You're welcome and thanks too. 
1 person likes this
@RebeccasFarm (90339)
• Arvada, Colorado
9 Jun 23
@Jenaisle Yes I answered too my dear thanks
1 person likes this
@just4him (317249)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
9 Jun 23
You have past and present tense in the same paragraph. It needs to be one or the other.
While I cooked the barbecue, he discussed his experiences. He described how he slipped in the stream as he rushed to school. He also mentioned that he and his brother enjoyed their first rodeo among other things. These were all new to me as I listened with awe.
This keeps it in the past tense and makes it flow easier.
1 person likes this
@LindaOHio (181346)
• United States
10 Jun 23
I see others have made suggestions. In Version 1, "How..." is not a complete sentence. Edited Version 3 isn't bad. I think there should be a comma after "rodeo, among other things."
1 person likes this
@Omariba (24)
• Kenya
10 Jun 23
I like your writing style and you are grammatically correct, as a writer. As a writer, you need to be unique and stand out from the rest. Those other options are also recommended since they change the "taste" when a reader gets on. Remember that a story can be re written so many times while keeping the same narrative.
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