Excuse me, please? Just what is proper to say?
By Marie Coyle
@MarieCoyle (38590)
July 20, 2024 2:17pm CST
More and more through life, I realize I was brought up rather ''old school.'' I guess that makes sense since my grandmothers and my aunt were such a big part of my upbringing.
One thing they were big on was teaching my sister and I to be polite and respectful. Yes Ma'am, No Sir, using Mr. and Mrs. instead of just first names (unless we were told not to) please, thank you, and excuse me.
We were taught when we walked in front of someone in an isle, such as the grocery store, etc. we could do that and temporarily sort of block their line of site, but first we must say ''excuse me!'' It's so ingrained in my, I say this automatically. I have had others say it to me as well, but I realized the other day that the ones who say this are not young people. I guess they are not taught this anymore? Do you say this?
The son of a nearby friend is a cashier at big box store while he attends college here. He said he learned the lesson of not to ever say ''Ma'am'' or ''Sir'' unless he was absolutely positive of the person's gender, which as we know is not always possible to know for sure. He said ''Sir'' to a customer, and it was a lady. She threatened him, yelled and screamed and made a scene, and the manager had to call the police.
I can't change myself, it's the way I was taught, I will not apologize for who I am. Sometimes, it's hard to fit in this weird world we are trying to live in.
16 people like this
15 responses
@wolfgirl569 (107932)
• Marion, Ohio
20 Jul
I say excuse me. But we called most family and friends by first names. Acquaintances were called mister or missus. But he is right that when you don't know it can be safer not to say either
4 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
21 Jul
That's for sure--if we aren't positive which gender a person is, it's best to say nothing at all!
3 people like this
@xstitcher (32685)
• Petaluma, California
14 Aug
@MarieCoyle and it sad that you can't tell a man from a woman half the time.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
15 Aug
@xstitcher
When I have the problem of not being able to tell the difference, I just keep it very low key...it''s best not to ruffle feathers!
@Deepizzaguy (104008)
• Lake Charles, Louisiana
20 Jul
The same with me that I was brought up to be respectful to adults myself. It is a shame that some people have gone on record being offended over being called "sir" instead of "Ma'am" or else face jail time.
2 people like this
@Deepizzaguy (104008)
• Lake Charles, Louisiana
21 Jul
@MarieCoyle I got the idea from a Three Stooges video short called "What's The Matador?" when the boys asked a Mexican where they could find Dolores who had their suitcase by accident and the Mexican guy spoke to them in Spanish and told them to jump into a river and drown.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
20 Jul
It just seems wrong sometimes to offend someone without even trying...you and I were brought up to show respect for others. For some people, I guess that can be offensive without us even trying.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
21 Jul
@Deepizzaguy
Oh, my. How many times in our lives have we heard the old ''Oh, go jump in a lake!'' I never realized it was anything but just a joke. Maybe because you named a specific body of water? I think we all know you well enough here to know that you are no terrorist, George.
1 person likes this
@kareng (61309)
• United States
25 Jul
@MarieCoyle Right! We have one that works locally that everyone wonders about. I do believe she is a female but has a lot of male hormones that gives her facial hair. My hubby, on the other hand, thinks she is transgender.
Just best to keep your mouth shut in those situations.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
21 Jul
I have often been helped in a store or some similar situation when I was very unsure of the gender of the person helping me. I just stayed polite and thank you, etc. I haven't made the mistake of calling someone sir or ma'am if they weren't, but when in doubt, it's just best not to use those terms.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
25 Jul
@kareng
It really is sad. To struggle with who you are and make those type of decisions is often so traumatic I think it makes some people spiral downward.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121659)
• Gainesville, Florida
21 Jul
I'm like you, I'm old school, but I have learned not to say ma'am or sir anymore because it is getting so hard to tell a person's gender these days. But other than that, I do still say all the other polite words. And I raised my kids to do the same thing.
I know I'm getting older, but one thing that bothers me is when young people call me Mr. or sir. We have teenagers at work who address me as Mr. Jeff. I know it's a sign of respect, but I keep telling them over and over again to just call me Jeff. I'm like, "It's just Jeff." So a few people at work have nicknamed me "Just Jeff." I think it's pretty funny. "Hey, Just Jeff, can you please help me with something?" haha
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121659)
• Gainesville, Florida
23 Jul
@MarieCoyle Several years back I was on a conference committee for my industry's professional association. We all had to wear badges at the conference, and I snuck into the computer at the registration/check-in desk and printed out a name tag that said "Just Jeff." I wore it the entire conference, and it gave quite a few people a good laugh.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
21 Jul
Maybe you should just embrace being ''Just Jeff'' and go with the flow? I bet you are a fun boss, anyway. Hey, get yourself a name tag that says that...get some laughs out of it! 
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
24 Jul
@moffittjc
I bet it did get some laughs! And as we know, our world needs a LOT more laughter!!
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (341820)
• Rockingham, Australia
21 Jul
@MarieCoyle That's very true. A very short fuse indeed.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
21 Jul
It also seems like there are a lot of people who have a very short fuse, and the anger can just explode from them at times.
2 people like this
@porwest (92463)
• United States
21 Jul
It is part of the reason all this gender identity stuff is NOT something meant to bring people together but divide them. I am the same as you. I will NOT change my behavior nor words to suit someone else who lives outside the societal norms.
Breaking the line of sight is one of my pet peeves when people do it and DON'T say excuse me. I ALWAYS do, and like you, it is ingrained in me. But then I also make sure of a couple of other things which seems to be becoming a lost art.
Scan the items on a shelf AWAY from the shelf and don't block it with your cart. And be aware of people coming toward you and near items you ARE blocking so that you can make way for them as well.
If there is one thing I am acutely aware of, it is that I am NOT the ONLY person on this planet.
1 person likes this
@porwest (92463)
• United States
23 Jul
@MarieCoyle The world needs more of it. Somewhere along the line I think social media has detached people from the real world a little too much. It's a problem.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
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24 Jul
@porwest
There is an entire upcoming generation that barely interacts in person with others, only online through texts or TikTok or Instagram or whatever...put them in a room without a phone and and I bet they can't even start a conversation!
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
21 Jul
There has been several occasions when I had to pass in front of someone ''line of sight'' and said excuse me that the person I said it to said, ''For what?'' to which I answered that I cut off what they were looking at, and that's just what I do, say excuse me.
We need to stress being kind and polite to each other. Small steps to a better world.
1 person likes this
@snowy22315 (182000)
• United States
21 Jul
Most young people (teens) are fairly polite in these parts. I haven't had problems with any of them.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
21 Jul
Oh, we see good ones as well. Rude people seem to come in all ages and sizes. A person just never knows.
@xstitcher (32685)
• Petaluma, California
14 Aug
My brother and I were raised like that, too, and it still sticks with me. It irks me to the core when a child is rude/inconsiderate. One time one of my nephews called me "Stacey" without using "Auntie" and my feathers got ruffled. I'm pretty sure I said something like, "Excuse me, I'm your Auntie Stacey...." I seem to recall one of them referring to my brother by his first name, and him saying, "What did you just call me!?"
When we were kids our parents were friends with a couple who had two sons our ages that referred to their parents by their first names--and the parents thought nothing of it. Even at 6-7-8 years old I remember being blown away by that.
1 person likes this
@xstitcher (32685)
• Petaluma, California
15 Aug
@MarieCoyle Absolutely. "Mom" and "Dad" are some of the most important names in the world.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
16 Aug
@xstitcher
They really can mean so much, it's a name I treasure above all others. 
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
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15 Aug
I had a friend back in high school who referred to his parents by their first names. I was really surprised, but I discovered that all their children called them by their given names, that the parents had actually requested this!? Me, I guess I am old fashioned--I cherish the name of ''MOM'' with my whole heart.
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
21 Jul
I guess that would be like a Miss vs. Mrs. We used to be able to tell, sort of, if we saw the flash of a wedding ring. But now that's really no proof, some people never wear one.
1 person likes this
@Marilynda1225 (83074)
• United States
23 Jul
Being "old school" myself I was taught manners (please, thank you, excuse me, etc.) I still say it even if it's not as common these days as it used to be.
Your friends son made a mistake calling that person "sir" but I think it's a bit overkill to make such a scene that the police had to be called.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
24 Jul
Some people have to just scream about anything and everything. Either that, or they just have a very short fuse.
I remember being with one of my young grandsons at the store once. Someone was restocking the dairy case and we stopped there for something. On the way to the check-out, my grandson said, Grandma, was that a man or a woman? I told him I was sorry, but I did not honestly know. He said, so what do I call people if I can't tell? We had to discuss that using a term like sir or ma'am may not always be appropriate, and if he was ever in doubt, he could just say the simple excuse me, or thank you, or whatever.
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
21 Jul
Yes, be careful of who you are kidding around with and how you say things, it is often misconstrued to mean something insulting, when it really isn't.
1 person likes this
@LindaOHio (181320)
• United States
21 Jul
I always say Please and Thank you, etc. My husband said, "It's not always necessary to thank me for what I do for you". Yes it is. That's the way I was raised. Have a good day.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
21 Jul
That's the way it should be. I say it and mean it, and I am sure that you do, too.
1 person likes this
@grenery8 (11100)
• Zagreb, Croatia (Hrvatska)
23 Jul
i belong to younger generation, not that young but i also use mr/sir or ma'am and i felt uncomfortable when at work some would say i can address them only by their first name. i did that by time but still in formal way. that is a sign of respect. i also say excuse me in the same manner as you, it is implemented in me but, i find it sometimes sad or irritating how other people can't even utter a word of that. today, there was an older lady, in her 70s who stood in my way, she half blocked me, i could barely walk next to her and she could have moved but didn't want to. i barely exited the store. i mean, was that necessary.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
24 Jul
It is sad when people are rude and impolite. I hope I don't ever do that, as I know from experiences it's just not always pleasant.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
25 Jul
@grenery8
I think all we can do at this point is to try to set a good example, maybe it will become a ''trend'' we can hope!
1 person likes this
@grenery8 (11100)
• Zagreb, Croatia (Hrvatska)
24 Jul
@MarieCoyle yes, rudeness doesn't recognise age anymore. it was not pleasant. thank you and i hope there will be more polite people in this world.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38590)
•
21 Jul
It didn't sound like she/he wanted to be a lady at all. Sometimes, it's just hard to decide what people are/were...like I said, it's a weird world for sure!
1 person likes this
