MIL and Memory Care
By much2say
@much2say (54916)
Los Angeles, California
September 20, 2024 3:49pm CST
My mother in law (MIL) was recently moved to the memory care wing of her ritzy senior living complex. It's not so ritzy there.
Her memory issues had been worsening, but still she is very much aware and doing better than many of the other tenants. The memory care wing entrance/exit is secured - only the staff can let anyone in or out, including guests. The tenants can only go through the door if there is supervision - it's for their safety. However, this means MIL is mostly cut off from the rest of the ritzy senior complex that she was used to . . . she is sad and mad she cannot go anywhere outside the wing at will.
We went to visit MIL . . . sister in law (SIL) gave us the tour. It was more than apparent that it was a drastic change for MIL. As always, SIL tried to make it sound like everything was great . . . that this was a mini version of the ritzy side - wink wink. But MIL wasn't buying it this time.
MIL was downsized to the teeniest tiniest room with less privacy. SIL tried to enthusiastically explain how great it was because one of things MIL can do is look out the window while laying down in bed. "That's what you do, right, Mom?"
"No, I don't" said MIL We rarely hear MIL stand up to her own daughter. We all even thought that "looking out the window" wasn't exactly thrilling to a woman that is active and social . . . it was a reminder of a freedom she has lost. It was a weird and lonely thing (one of the many) for SIL to say.
I don't know where I'm going with this, but it was a slice from our visit with MIL We are not local to her area, so we are trying to brain storm how we can make anything better for her, even with our visits. Any suggestions?
12 people like this
10 responses
@AmbiePam (89335)
• United States
4h
That’s so sad. Can she have deliveries, like a bouquet of flowers every couple of weeks? Even if her room is small, and the bouquet is not huge, having something pretty and living might subconsciously lift her mood. Just visit as often as you can is the main thing (not being local makes that super tough I realize). Try to call as much as your mental state can take (because it can get hard, of course). I know you have to be a bright spot.
4 people like this
@much2say (54916)
• Los Angeles, California
38m
I'll have to check the policies . . . I did notice all her old houseplants were now gone. Oh but she does love beautiful flowers. Calling has always been an issue - she never got used to smartphones and she hardly picks up her landline . . . Hubby has a hard time getting a hold of her, so we have to go through SIL who gets back to us only when she feels like it. But yah, visiting more often would be ideal . . . even though it is difficult, now is a crucial time, so we really should try before her memory gets worse.
1 person likes this
@kaylachan (66088)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
6h
My mother in law lived the last five years of her life in one of those. The place should have ways for her to be active and social. But, if not, you can ask about that. Furthermore, you can take her out sometimes and do things with her, just to give her a break while her mind is still sharp enough. Family members can take their loved ones out for a few hours during their visits. Check with the facility on their polocies reguarding this.
2 people like this
@much2say (54916)
• Los Angeles, California
1h
Supposedly the staff makes sure the do not stay in their rooms all day . . . but I am still unclear about what activities they have them do. Previously there were all sorts of classes, events, trips and such that they could choose from - I doubt it is set up that way in memory care. We took her out in the past, but according to SIL, those days are over (even though she takes her out to lunch) . . . she also has some physical issues, but SIL doesn't want us to deal with that. We really should check out the policies - I know we can make it work somehow.
2 people like this
@kaylachan (66088)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
50m
@much2say Don't let your sister-in-in-law bully you into doing or not doing things that might make your mother-in-in-law happy and give her memories and enjoyment. Now, I do know reguardless of it's memory care or not, they do have things to keep the residence stimulated and won't let them rot. We visited my mother-in-law once before she passed, and they had all kinds of games crafts and things for her to do. I am not sure about trips, because you need to keep a closer eye on those with memory issues as they are prone to wonder. However, at least where my mil was, she was encouraged to get out with family. And she used a walker and was in a wheelchair. Mobility issues are part of the job. We don't move as well the older we get.
Hell, my husband had a stroke and may always limp and drag his feet.
I'm sure your sil has good intentions, but stand up for yourself and spend time with your MIL as much as you realistically can. You don't want to have any regrets. You don't want her gone and say I wish I would've...
My husband's anxiety about traveling further then our current town, prevented him from seeing his mother before she passed. In a way, we believe this was a blessing in disguise ,, because he got to see her looking healthy and that was his last memory of her.
Treasure what you have. As hard as it will be to watch her mind decline, it's important you make the best of her remaining time.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (164392)
• Boise, Idaho
1h
How very sad. SIL must be great to be around.
1 person likes this
@rebelann (112387)
• El Paso, Texas
3h
Someone needs to smack SIL upside her head, your MIL probably only has memory issues because she was taken from her home of many years and put in assisted living and now she is fully aware that her daughter is not nearly as bright as daughter thinks she is.
2 people like this
@much2say (54916)
• Los Angeles, California
32m
Oh you know it - and there are many more things I'd like to smack SIL for. Well, MIL does have alzhemier's in her genes, but she was always so active that she was able to prolong it. You're right that all these moving changes and situations have most likely made it progress faster - I do believe that. SIL is micro-managing everything . . . and it's not fair most of all to her mother.
1 person likes this
@RasmaSandra (78025)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
6h
Make sure she is comfortable and well taken care of, Find out if you can bring her some favorite food and other stuff,
2 people like this
@much2say (54916)
• Los Angeles, California
1h
Last time she was overjoyed when we brought over ice cream! But that was in her other room where she had a kitchen and dining table . . . now there is none of that. But a favorite food is always a pleaser . . . we will try to figure out a way to bring her homemade food! I better check to make sure it's allowed.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (34575)
•
1h
I sure don't have suggestions, unless you can find another facility that's better. I wish I did. The memory care units are pretty much locked down, as so many residents have been found in the past that basically just walked out the doors, no matter where it is. I know it's very hard, I'm so sorry.
1 person likes this
@snowy22315 (177351)
• United States
2h
Is it really absolutely necessary for her to be there in that wing at this time? It sounds like more restriction than she might need I think visiting as much as possible, and keeping her engaged in life would be quite important
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (335364)
• Rockingham, Australia
2h
I'm sorry to hear this and don't really have any suggestions. Do you like writing? Could you send a letter/card on a regular basis so she has something to look forward to? Her daughter sounds a bit uncaring.
My mother was in a nursing home. I would email each week. My blind brother would print it out as my sister didn't have a computer. Then my sister would pick him up and they'd visit Mum and my sister would read it to her.
1 person likes this
