MIL and Memory Care
By much2say
@much2say (55912)
Los Angeles, California
September 20, 2024 3:49pm CST
My mother in law (MIL) was recently moved to the memory care wing of her ritzy senior living complex. It's not so ritzy there.
Her memory issues had been worsening, but still she is very much aware and doing better than many of the other tenants. The memory care wing entrance/exit is secured - only the staff can let anyone in or out, including guests. The tenants can only go through the door if there is supervision - it's for their safety. However, this means MIL is mostly cut off from the rest of the ritzy senior complex that she was used to . . . she is sad and mad she cannot go anywhere outside the wing at will.
We went to visit MIL . . . sister in law (SIL) gave us the tour. It was more than apparent that it was a drastic change for MIL. As always, SIL tried to make it sound like everything was great . . . that this was a mini version of the ritzy side - wink wink. But MIL wasn't buying it this time.
MIL was downsized to the teeniest tiniest room with less privacy. SIL tried to enthusiastically explain how great it was because one of things MIL can do is look out the window while laying down in bed. "That's what you do, right, Mom?"
"No, I don't" said MIL We rarely hear MIL stand up to her own daughter. We all even thought that "looking out the window" wasn't exactly thrilling to a woman that is active and social . . . it was a reminder of a freedom she has lost. It was a weird and lonely thing (one of the many) for SIL to say.
I don't know where I'm going with this, but it was a slice from our visit with MIL We are not local to her area, so we are trying to brain storm how we can make anything better for her, even with our visits. Any suggestions?
23 people like this
20 responses
@AmbiePam (93791)
• United States
20 Sep
That’s so sad. Can she have deliveries, like a bouquet of flowers every couple of weeks? Even if her room is small, and the bouquet is not huge, having something pretty and living might subconsciously lift her mood. Just visit as often as you can is the main thing (not being local makes that super tough I realize). Try to call as much as your mental state can take (because it can get hard, of course). I know you have to be a bright spot.
5 people like this
@AmbiePam (93791)
• United States
21 Sep
@much2say Well, shoot, if her houseplants are gone they may not allow flowers. Yeah, visiting more might be all you can do if she won’t answer the landline. But if you can just do it until she gets “used” to it…It’s so much easier for ME to say that though. I just remember my late grandmother having to go to a place like that, and we tried to set up visits from relatives and old friends, but everyone is so busy! She clung to her phone though, so we could at least call her.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
I'll have to check the policies . . . I did notice all her old houseplants were now gone. Oh but she does love beautiful flowers. Calling has always been an issue - she never got used to smartphones and she hardly picks up her landline . . . Hubby has a hard time getting a hold of her, so we have to go through SIL who gets back to us only when she feels like it. But yah, visiting more often would be ideal . . . even though it is difficult, now is a crucial time, so we really should try before her memory gets worse.
3 people like this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
22 Sep
@AmbiePam I don't know the policies of that wing, I'll have to find out somehow. It would be great if others could visit her, but there is literally no one else except us now. I am afraid that when/if she gets used to this new arrangement, she will have "settled" for what her life is and just go into deeper mental decline. It's happened each time she has had to move in this same complex . . . sadly, this is the 2nd downsizing in 6 months, which was not good either. Sigh.
1 person likes this
@rebelann (112962)
• El Paso, Texas
21 Sep
Someone needs to smack SIL upside her head, your MIL probably only has memory issues because she was taken from her home of many years and put in assisted living and now she is fully aware that her daughter is not nearly as bright as daughter thinks she is.
4 people like this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
Oh you know it - and there are many more things I'd like to smack SIL for. Well, MIL does have alzhemier's in her genes, but she was always so active that she was able to prolong it. You're right that all these moving changes and situations have most likely made it progress faster - I do believe that. SIL is micro-managing everything . . . and it's not fair most of all to her mother.
3 people like this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
@rebelann It's hard because MIL knows that her daughter is in control of everything, so she probably feels like that saying "don't bite the hand that feeds you" kind of thing. So she just let's her. But it's sad because this is her mother, who is aware and has feelings too. Yah, I'm sure if SIL were in one of those rooms, she wouldn't think it was so great.
1 person likes this
@snowy22315 (182000)
• United States
21 Sep
Is it really absolutely necessary for her to be there in that wing at this time? It sounds like more restriction than she might need I think visiting as much as possible, and keeping her engaged in life would be quite important
3 people like this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
It's that fine line. She could still do many things on her own. But apparently she's been falling a lot and not remembering how she got her hurt . . . or she'd get lost in the complex and couldn't find her way to her room .. . . more than usual confusion. The facility actually recommended the wing move to SIL (I am thinking the facility doesn't want to be liable for anything that could potentially happen). She told us about it, but before we knew it, SIL had her moved. I wish there was a better "middle ground". SIL takes care of her a couple days out of the week . . . but MIL needs a whole lot more than that - more engagement than just with SIL. So many "purposes" in life have been taken away from MIL . . . yah, we should make it a point to visit her as much as we can.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
Yes and no. It's hard because she does fall with injuries and not remember - or she has gotten lost in her complex that she could not find her room. Certain memory issues. But it's not as far gone as others she is now having to be with.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38591)
•
21 Sep
I sure don't have suggestions, unless you can find another facility that's better. I wish I did. The memory care units are pretty much locked down, as so many residents have been found in the past that basically just walked out the doors, no matter where it is. I know it's very hard, I'm so sorry.
3 people like this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
SIL picked this ritzy facility for her mother, but we've always thought those pennies should have been saved for when the time came like this. "That" side is ritzy, but "this" side isn't exactly that . . . in any case it is a drastic change for MIL. As aware as MIL is, there had been some incidents that have shown that she does need to be watched at times . . . we just wish there was some better middle ground for her. Thank you - yes, it's hard and we hate to see her having to live this way.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
27 Sep
@MarieCoyle We have distant relatives that have tried to care for their spouses at home - right, it is not easy. And there have been instances where they did manage to "escape" locked doors - they were fortunate to have been found safely and be returned home. I hope they figure out a cure someday soon too.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38591)
•
22 Sep
@much2say
Even when a person with memory problems has a family member at home to try to care for them, often just one person has trouble keeping track, if and when they start wandering. It's just hard. Dementia/Alzheimer's are mean diseases, and they steal the memories of the person suffering from them. I do hope someday there is a cure!
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (168171)
• Boise, Idaho
21 Sep
How very sad. SIL must be great to be around.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (168171)
• Boise, Idaho
21 Sep
@much2say .......some people have to be bossy.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
27 Sep
@celticeagle Yep and it stinks when it is a family member 
.
.1 person likes this
@kaylachan (71590)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
20 Sep
My mother in law lived the last five years of her life in one of those. The place should have ways for her to be active and social. But, if not, you can ask about that. Furthermore, you can take her out sometimes and do things with her, just to give her a break while her mind is still sharp enough. Family members can take their loved ones out for a few hours during their visits. Check with the facility on their polocies reguarding this.
2 people like this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
Supposedly the staff makes sure the do not stay in their rooms all day . . . but I am still unclear about what activities they have them do. Previously there were all sorts of classes, events, trips and such that they could choose from - I doubt it is set up that way in memory care. We took her out in the past, but according to SIL, those days are over (even though she takes her out to lunch) . . . she also has some physical issues, but SIL doesn't want us to deal with that. We really should check out the policies - I know we can make it work somehow.
2 people like this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
@kaylachan You're exactly right. SIL is the bullying type . . . and gawd we have had to deal with her controlling ways. I mean, she does take care of everything regarding MIL (decisions, finances, etc) - but she doesn't allow anyone else to have input. We can't even visit MIL when we want to because of SIL, but that's another story.
At the ritzier side of the facility, it was literally like a cruise ship with classes, activities, events, parties . . . not all in MIL's taste, but the options were there. But I am not clear on what they have in the memory wing. Seeing the folks that live there, I suspect the wing is nothing like the previous side . . . and I am sure MIL is fully aware of that.
MIL has been wanting to go the beach with us. We have been trying to figure out the logistics to make that happen, but SIL is not liking the idea. MIL has balance, vision, and bladder issues too . . . but the trip would be short and sweet - I think we could figure something out. SIL says those days are over of being able to take her anywhere (yah, but she can take her out to lunch and shopping - makes no sense).
You've taken such good care of your husband. It's been a long, hard road, but you made it work and I know you will both continue to do so. Look how far he has come!!
I do agree with you. Each time we have seen MIL this year, we could clearly see the decline . . . now is the time to pack in the good memories with her. Time is limited and too short. I'm sure SIL will keep trying to micro manage the show, but we'll have to work around that somehow.
1 person likes this
@kaylachan (71590)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
21 Sep
@much2say Don't let your sister-in-in-law bully you into doing or not doing things that might make your mother-in-in-law happy and give her memories and enjoyment. Now, I do know reguardless of it's memory care or not, they do have things to keep the residence stimulated and won't let them rot. We visited my mother-in-law once before she passed, and they had all kinds of games crafts and things for her to do. I am not sure about trips, because you need to keep a closer eye on those with memory issues as they are prone to wonder. However, at least where my mil was, she was encouraged to get out with family. And she used a walker and was in a wheelchair. Mobility issues are part of the job. We don't move as well the older we get.
Hell, my husband had a stroke and may always limp and drag his feet.
I'm sure your sil has good intentions, but stand up for yourself and spend time with your MIL as much as you realistically can. You don't want to have any regrets. You don't want her gone and say I wish I would've...
My husband's anxiety about traveling further then our current town, prevented him from seeing his mother before she passed. In a way, we believe this was a blessing in disguise ,, because he got to see her looking healthy and that was his last memory of her.
Treasure what you have. As hard as it will be to watch her mind decline, it's important you make the best of her remaining time.
2 people like this
@changjiangzhibin89 (16786)
• China
21 Sep
Does your MILsuffer from Alzheimer ? She seems not to go to the point where she has to move there .Your SIL made an arbitrary decision once again !
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
She does have Alzheimers in her genes, but she had been able to prolong it into her 80s! We believe her memory and such was going in decline due to lifestyle changes from moving to this senior place about 6 years ago. SIL thought it was great her mother no longer had to cook, clean, drive or do anything but with no purpose in life anymore, we think it really was not for the best.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
8 Oct
@changjiangzhibin89 We completely agree. We have a sick feeling that it is going to go downhill quickly for her . . . people need a purpose in life, and so much has already been taken away from her 
.
.1 person likes this
@changjiangzhibin89 (16786)
• China
22 Sep
@much2say In fact,the use of her mind and body is benefical to her ,on the contrary, having nothing to do all day would make her condition worse !
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (472004)
• Switzerland
21 Sep
I am sorry, this is sad and "confining" her is the worst thing to do. She is going to be depressed and her memory will suffer even more. People with memory problems need to remain active and interact with other people who do not have problems, this keeps them alert. I am noticing how much better my husband is when we work together all the day and we go out for a walk.
2 people like this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
She has gone from moving from her 50+ years house, to this facility and downsizing to a studio room, then moving earlier this year to an even smaller studio, and now to this memory wing. The continual downsizing and now confinement has made her depressed with memory decline for sure. SIL thought it was great her mother didn't have to drive, cook, clean, or do anything anymore but enjoy life (but the things they do there is not MILs idea of "enjoyment"). And currently she cannot roam as she likes nor see the friends she had made - that world is now on the other side of that door. Very sad.
How is your husband doing? The things you do for/with him give him a good quality of life. I hope you are doing well too . . . I know it is a lot to be a caregiver, especially to a loved one 
.
.1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
9 Oct
@LadyDuck I completely agree . . . a major change is not a good thing for older folks, especially if they are set in their lives and did not need any changes. Your grandmother did so well for herself for so long! I have distant relatives who had the same thing happen . . . they were went to a senior home by their kids where they did not have to do much - and in a year or two the memory issues popped up. My parents went to visit one such family member who boasted how she did not have to clean or cook or anything anymore . . . but in the following year she could not even remember my parents. I fear this even worse change of path for my MIL.
I'm glad to hear you are managing . . . I hope you are able to get some help there whenever possible. Oh my goodness, it must be like hide and seek to find things - but it's nice that he can live and be in the comforts of home with you. Big hugs to you both .
.1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (472004)
• Switzerland
9 Oct
@much2say My grandmother was fine and happy until she could stay in her home, when she went to live with the younger daughter she felt useless. Doing nothing her memory issues started and she did not live for a long time.
They feel so lonely and useless that they lose interest in evrything. Nursing home are often sad places, where people are there doing nothing and staring at their windows.
It is a hard job to find things, my husband does not even remember that he took those things and misplaced them. I am doing my best to place important documents inside closed drawers, right now I am managing quite well without external help. Thanks for the hugs.
1 person likes this
@RasmaSandra (80659)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
20 Sep
Make sure she is comfortable and well taken care of, Find out if you can bring her some favorite food and other stuff,
3 people like this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
Last time she was overjoyed when we brought over ice cream! But that was in her other room where she had a kitchen and dining table . . . now there is none of that. But a favorite food is always a pleaser . . . we will try to figure out a way to bring her homemade food! I better check to make sure it's allowed.
3 people like this
@MarshaMusselman (38865)
• Midland, Michigan
15 Oct
So they have any activities for the residents on that side there?
When looking for a place for my mom some years back we didn't like what the ritzy places offered and most had a few for everything the resident needed. So, even though my mom could afford it we got her into a newer place.
They had a puzzle out in the main room. That didn't help my mom by then because she was legally blind and her dementia wasn't great. But others that were in the beginning stages could do the puzzles. If I remember correctly they had people trained that came in to do different types of activities possibly every week or so.
When you visit would it be possibly to take her to the other side to visit or might that make things worse for her? Plus it might not be allowed.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
18 Oct
They say the residents are checked on to make sure they are not staying alone in their rooms all day - but I'm not clear on what those activities are. I imagine they are not the type of activities she had in the regular part of the complex.
We didn't have a say in where MIL would move to. SIL sold MIL's house here and moved her to her area which is almost 2 hours away. If it were up to us, we would have kept her in this area where she could have kept in touch with her neighbors and church friends. A ritzy, expensive place was probably more for SIL's ego.
MIL's has macular degeneration - her eyesight is quite poor now. She loves to read and draw/paint and used to be quite social - she has dropped her interests in recent months.
Oh yes - that is exactly what we were thinking . . . to take MIL to the other side so she could visit with friends . . . even if that becomes "our" visit. SIL sees her, but I don't think she realizes that just seeing her isn't enough social interaction (as I said, SIL has a big ego). In fact, we saw that SIL snubs a lot of MIL's friends there . . . kinda weird.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
23 Oct
@MarshaMusselman Yah, SIL is a control freak 
.
I'm sorry your mother went through this with her eyesight and dementia, but I'm glad her "children" were able to make visits to her.
MIL is at the point where they say nothing more can be done for her eyes. Sight counts for so much. It is one of the bigger impact senses - I can see how dementia can get worse because of it.
I think we would be able to take MIL to the other side of that memory care door . . . but we really wish SIL would do that for her since she sees her more often.
.
I'm sorry your mother went through this with her eyesight and dementia, but I'm glad her "children" were able to make visits to her.
MIL is at the point where they say nothing more can be done for her eyes. Sight counts for so much. It is one of the bigger impact senses - I can see how dementia can get worse because of it.
I think we would be able to take MIL to the other side of that memory care door . . . but we really wish SIL would do that for her since she sees her more often.@MarshaMusselman (38865)
• Midland, Michigan
19 Oct
@much2say it's too bad that sil isn't more sympathetic with mil's plight and situation.
My mother also had macular degeneration. As it got worse so did her dementia. Three of my siblings live in the same area as Mom did so we all were able to visit her.
My mom was pretty social too but less so as her eyesight and dementia got worse.
I hope the staff there let's you take her out of that area to visit with her friends.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (341826)
• Rockingham, Australia
21 Sep
I'm sorry to hear this and don't really have any suggestions. Do you like writing? Could you send a letter/card on a regular basis so she has something to look forward to? Her daughter sounds a bit uncaring.
My mother was in a nursing home. I would email each week. My blind brother would print it out as my sister didn't have a computer. Then my sister would pick him up and they'd visit Mum and my sister would read it to her.
2 people like this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
That was a wonderful mail arrangement you, your brother, and sister had for your mother! There was a time when we wanted to write often, but it turns out MIL rarely even checked her mailbox. And we knew SIL would open things up for her, give her a quick look, and then quietly throw things away so stuff did not pile up. I think we will see about the mail and delivery policies now as we can't visit too often.
1 person likes this
@aninditasen (16505)
• Raurkela, India
21 Sep
Can any arrangements be made to take her out for a walk or sit in a park and watch people talk.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
My SIL takes care of her a couple days out of the week, but I am not certain what happens at all other times. The staff is supposed to make sure they are kept occupied, but I am not clear on what exactly that means. She loves roaming freely and talking to people on her own, but this situation makes that difficult now.
1 person likes this
@aninditasen (16505)
• Raurkela, India
23 Sep
@much2say She should be allowed to mix with people or else her health condition will be affected.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
9 Oct
@aninditasen I completely agree. I fear what we will see the next time we visit her.
1 person likes this
@RebeccasFarm (90294)
• Arvada, Colorado
29 Sep
I am so sad for that lady your MIL..my God what a prison that sounds.
That SIL sounds like you know who..
I can imagine how much this is bothering you..and of course your dear Hubby.
I can imagine how much this is bothering you..and of course your dear Hubby.1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121659)
• Gainesville, Florida
21 Sep
It almost sounds like SIL is doing what's most convenient and easy for her, not what's best for MIL. So sad. There is nothing worse than losing personal freedoms, especially if you are person who likes to be social.
Does MIL have a computer, or access to one? If so, maybe she could join chat sites or even myLot and foster friendships and interactions that way. My mom did that when she was on full disability and immobile towards the end of her life. She discovered Facebook and we couldn't keep her off of there!
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121659)
• Gainesville, Florida
28 Sep
@much2say It's sad when people feel empty and alone and hopeless, and just give up interacting with the rest of the world. I hope that your MIL doesn't get completely to that point.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
22 Sep
Yup - that's exactly my SIL - always been. And now she is controlling everything that goes on with MIL . and it's not always sensitive to MIL's (or our) feelings. MIL has been downsized not only in her living space, but with everything else in her life . . . I do think it made the memory decline happen even faster.
MIL used to go online, but besides vision problems now, she cannot handle "technology". She never got the hang of a smartphone - and she barely picks up her landline. She will even say she doesn't have much to tell people anymore - so she keeps calls extremely short and no longer writes to anyone. Facebook could be a great window to the world . . . feeling "connected" is so important and I'm glad your mom had that!!
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
8 Oct
@moffittjc It's been heading in that direction . . . and I'm afraid of where it's going to go as she continues to live memory care (no matter what SIL says, it's just NOT the same at all as the rest of the complex).
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
24 Sep
I think at one point she was doing them - yah, it's good for the noggin. She has vision problems, so it's hard - it's hard for her to read books now and she was an avid reader. She is an artist, but she's not drawing or anything anymore . . . if you can imagine, her talents are well beyond these senior art/craft classes.
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
22 Sep
Yes, loneliness is hard. SIL takes care of her when she can, and we try to visit whenever possible, but we worry about what is happening the rest of time with her daily life. Interaction is so important . . . we fear she may not be getting enough.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
The staff recommended that she move to the memory wing. They told my SIL she was confused more than normal these days. She fell a lot and did not remember where or how she got injured. She would get lost and could not find her room. She needed to be watched now because of these incidents, but now it is too much restriction, we feel. We will try to visit her more often, but it is difficult as she is far from us.
1 person likes this
@LindaOHio (181331)
• United States
21 Sep
That's very sad. Is there a better facility where she can go? Being in a memory wing doesn't have to be miserable. I would do some research. Have a good weekend.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Sep
The whole facility is "ritzy", like being on a cruise ship, they say - that's why SIL picked it out. The assumption is the memory wing is good too, but it's definitely not like the rest of the complex, though understandably. I think it's miserable for MIL because her memory and awareness is still quite there . . . it doesn't feel like a cruise ship anymore. Thank you - you have a good weekend too!
1 person likes this
@LindaOHio (181331)
• United States
22 Sep
@much2say That's too bad.
Thank you very much.
1 person likes this
