Ode to my father who never wanted to be one

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Yes,father. Even though i used this title in recent years cause i was feeling distant to him and said that to him,he sad okay and accepted it. Of course,why troubling yourself with being closer to your daughter? He has backpain,diabetes,maybe even depression,i know he drank or still drinks antidepressants and his world is lying,sitting and sleeping on his couch. The couch is set in the dining room and he called it his bachelor room which he many times warned noone to touch it. And yes,he acted like that,hostile towards people touching his things while he could enter and touch other people's things,without permission. Not sure how about you but i loved my father and growning up,i realised many things off and that i can't overlook them anymore. Me trying to share some serious issues, he laughed it off calling me a little girl.when i had a fight with him,mother or my sister,i was a little girl again and i didn't like that belittling. I found him funny at first rolling eyes when my mother spoke but then i realised he disrespected her and his gaze was angry towards her, unusually angry. When i confessed him in high school i was bullied in primary school by children of his childhood friends, i received an answer they are good boys now,all grown up. Wow. I realised his biggest love was his job but hoped after retirement he would find some time for me. No,he expected of me to call him or message him first. Under influence of diabetes or not,he called me piece of something and didn't apologize. A few days later perhaps but ignoring or being silent was his common communication method so i would have to figure it out on my own. When i didn't feel good,he suggested me to take pills instead of trying to talk to me. I was betwern angry and sad realizing his first family came first. He would call his sister,my aunt 3or more times a day and me barely. When i desperately complained, he replied this was my mother's doing,like i don't have a brain on my own. When i said in revolted way why didn't he divorce my mother,his wife, he didn't say anything. He doesn't have a low pension, he can afford a maid cause,that's what she always had been to him,sadly. No, he liked his image and still is. Too late in my life he became angry at people not wanting to hire me and he also didn't ask for his company could i at least volunteer,no,no comment from him. He blamed mother for not engaging him in my upbringing but when he could,he was too tired cause, he worked. And a few times i asked him something,basic question, i got the response go and ask your mother. Thanks. The last message that i sent him was i don't see myself talking to him and i don't want to be a burden and he only answered,you and your antics and if someone touches his peace again,this person will regret it. These dialogues were often said to me while he couldn't touch my sister but me,always there,happy to be treated like this. I phoned him saying i won't ever bother him anymore and he said no,i didn't mean it. Of course he didn't mean it but to be a punching bag,i wasn't interested anymore. My problems with hips,knees,even shoulder recently,he brushed it off like he is the only one that is in pain,older and that.He knows or should know that 2years i'm struggling with this and it is not easy just to forget or that it will pass cause it is just in my head. Always being a joker,not a father figure. He even said in a joke that he can't wait for me to take care of him when he really gets older cause that's the children's purpose. I answered if you were nice to me,maybe and that's not my purpose. Yeah...