12/13/24 - Update On My Husband

Taking care of my mother at home almost literally killed my dad because of the stress (he routinely thought he was having heart attacks), and was very close to bankrupting him. That’s with me and a home health aide to help during the day. While she was on medicine to try to slow her dementia down, in the end our goal became to try to keep her as comfortable as possible. I’ll keep praying, Linda. I’ll pray my heart out.

Do you not have para transit services to aid him getting here and there? I think that I would consider taking it a little slower. He needs to see the doctor for a number of issues, and that is important. Otherwise, if he stays in the long-term portion of the facility, can't he come out on days that he is strong enough to? When my brother-in-law was in a nursing home, his wife would just book the para service and tell the home, she would go over and get his good clothes out the day before so that the staff could have him dressed up before the ride came, and then she would wait for him to be dropped off. I know that she would have loved more time at home with him, but that wasn't in the cards, and he truly needed the care. Her kids actually convinced her to let him have a little of both like that.

What a sad decision for you to have to make. I will continue praying.

I know that this is a heart breaking decision, but in your heart you know that home care is not going to work. You have to tell him that he cannot come back home, because it is too dangerous.

This is a heartbreaking decision but you know in your heart what the right thing to do is.

Forgive me if my questions are dumb...but can he not stay where he is for a few days (I know that won't be free) until he can go to the care provider? He does need to go see one for sure, but you are talking about taking him home for one day without any help, correct? We know what can happen in one day. He needs to be transported by medical transport, it wouldn't be safe to get him to the car with the steps, in and out, and then reversed. He spends a portion of each day/evening not being his normal self. It's doubtful that condition will improve, and it's hard for anyone to deal with. I know this all has to be gut wrenching, but to bring him home at all without help there the entire time could truly be disastrous.

Linda, a home health aid can not provide the care he needs. Why go through all the trauma of setting everything up just to have him home for a day or two? When my uncle was home he was very ill..but they had a nurse that was with him nearly everyday. I know it isn't easy..

I feel for you....hugs...yes, there are prayers too...wish god would listen...its been so long..

Why don't you look into para transit services. I know pretty much everyone and everyone has them. You could also schedule the appoitment while he's still in the ficility, and the ficility should provide transportation to and from just like they did for his heart doctor. Or, talk to his doctor's office to see if you can coridinate a telehelth visit. According to the medical professsionals, he should be able to get down three steps and in and out of a car. He should also be able to walk into a doctor's office, too. Plus, when you get to your doctor's office call them and tell them you need help getting him out of the car and into the building. Call yur local fire department non-emergency number, too and ask about transportation options as well. See what your options are, before you decide for him something like that. Be sure to get his input, too. I know you're scared to bring him home because it didn't work the first time. But, you don't know that. You can't know that. Don't write him off, give him a chance and more credit. Find out what your options are to get him evulated. Sometimes a doctor can take notes from a therapist and make a case to proscribe home health aide without seeing your husband in person. So, call, ask.

I'm so sorry that you have this decision to make and I'm sure it extremely hard. My first concern would be that he still has the catheter and that either has to be removed and/or someone who is able to take care of it. I think him going to see a primary physician is smart and I have to agree with others here that transportation should be available and not that you would be taking him by car yourselves. I wouldn't make a decision until I got a report from the doctor.

Oh I don't know what to say. This hurts my heart and head and I'm not even you. Will physical therapy really help your husband? I wish that a doctor would go to him and not insist he go to the Doc. Is there no emergency Doc on this planet that has a heart? I'm sorry to say that long term care looks like your only choice. You don't sound very strong and you have been under a stress that nobody should be under. My prayers are with you.

Oh my! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

This is a hard decision indeed. Will pray for both of you.

I can't even fathom the pain & suffering your having to live with on such a decision like this, & yet things like this is never easy to decide, but what else can you do ? I would be beside myself on such a choice, but we all have to make the right decision of what's best for both not just 1 or the other. I know it's not going to be easy & God knows what you're going through & we ALL FEEL your pain my OUR prayers are with you.

Couldn't you get the primary to visit him in the facility? I know many doctors do that. My father had several look in on him when he was in the nursing home. I know that is going to be a very hard decision. Just do your homework, and get all of the info and then make your decision. I had forgotten about the VA. They should also be able to help you.

The home should transport him again if you make an appointment. I can tell you it's extremely hard to take care of them at home. I did with dad until the last month. My step daughter did with her mom. And with being only in her thirties she was still wearing down. She also had people in except overnight.

that is a tough decision to make sending prayers and virtual hugs to you

I definitely missed updates from you. What happened? So he will never be able to come back home? That’s such sad news. I’m so sorry.

Does your town offer transit services? Our town has free vans that pick people up from their home and take them to the doctors, stores, wherever they need to go. Some vans are equipped to pick up people who need a wheelchair to get around. Can your husband and his doctor have a video appointment? I will tell you it was difficult taking care of my father in law for the last 7 months of his life at home. It is what mom in law wanted. She felt everyone would step up, not all did. We had hospice care, they only came out 3 times a week for an hour or so each time, and the VA sent a nurse out 2 times a week (different days than hospice) for 2 hours a week. I was thankful for the help they gave but the majority of it was on her and I. It was a strain. Physically, mentally and emotionally. He was completely bedridden, so we didn't have to worry about having to get him somewhere which was a blessing. If he needed a doctor, the one who works with hospice came out and checked on him. I know that this is hard for you both. Continuing to pray you make the best decision for both of you.

I am sorry that this is the point that you are at with things. That would be so hard, I can't even imagine. When my grandpa was sick, my grandma always questioned him going to a long term care place or staying at home because she couldn't help him anymore and he was able to stay at home because they had us to help, but nobody could come in and help full time (like a nurse or something) until the very end. And at that point we knew he only had day left... Just trying to say I can't imagine how hard that decision would be to make....