Divorce advice
By pillowgirl
@pillowgirl (89)
United States
December 3, 2006 2:12pm CST
I am married to a man who is ten years older than me. We met online, and spent a lot of time getting to know each other. Then, he moved 2000 miles to live with me. We lived together 3 years before I found out I was pregnant. At that time, he was an abusive drinker. Before our daughter was born, he quit drinking. Things got better, and when she was born, he was thrilled and a loving father.
This lasted about 6 months. Then he started smoking pot. It used to be that when he was drinking I had to worry. Now it feels like when he runs out of pot, it is the same way. He doesn't physically abuse me, but he yells and insults me and throws fits when he is out of pot. He doesn't think he is addicted to pot, he just thinks I am a lousy wife, so there is no way to convince him that he has a problem. To him, I am the only problem.
I have tried to show him that his pot smoking habit is out of control. He says pot isn't addictive so I must be wrong. He won't give it up long enough to see if it is a problem. Our daughter is 2 and a half now. Today he got upset at me and was yelling and I was crying and she was in the room. She started yelling too, saying "Stop that". I don't thinka 2 and a half year old should be in this situation.
I have been trying to tell him I want a divorce because this never changes and it will never stop. He keeps telling me he is going to take my daughter away from me because I am an unfit mother. I don't know what to do, where to start, or how to protect my daughter through this. I have a disease called sarcoidosis that affects my brain and sometimes does affect my ability to care for my daughter, but we live with my mom and she is always there to help me.
Any advice on where to start? What to make sure I do to protect my child and hopefully not lose her because of a medical condition?
2 people like this
7 responses
@prettylykedrugs (430)
• United States
4 Dec 06
I would say give him a choice. You or the pot.
If he chooses the pot he is not worth your time anyway. And if he chooses you make sure you tell him that you do NOT want your daughter to go through this.
And if that doesn't work, divorce. Do it while your daughter is young.
2 people like this
@pillowgirl (89)
• United States
4 Dec 06
It's not about the pot. Personally I don't care about the pot near as much as I hate the things he says to me and how he likes to keep me crying and feeling bad about myself. He wants the impossible, wants a perfect housewife to take care of everything and still hold a full time job and keep up with a 2 year old... all the while, I have a medical condition that keeps me fatigued and worn out and nauseas if I overdo things.
I can't make him happy, I can't meet his "wants", and I am not foolish enough to think that our problems are all my fault... And no matter how hard I try, I can't make him see that I do everything I can to live up to his standards.
The time he is off the pot is te worst because he gets so irritable from that. That's just when we fight the most and he doesn't ever calm down.
1 person likes this
@prettylykedrugs (430)
• United States
4 Dec 06
Honestly, leave him because it will never get better. This has happened in my family and now I do not speak to either of my parents. It will effect you negatively and affect your parenting skills whether you want it to or not.
2 people like this
@rosey2006 (945)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I don't know your situation totally, but I think you know what the right thing to do is. You said it in your post. It sounds to me that you are the more stable parent and if you are living with your mom already she can help you with your daughter. You are a smart, responsible and caring person. Your husband is verbaly abusing you and if you don't like you don't have to take anymore. They do have woman's shelter to help woman in your situation. Here's the number for abused people in the U.S: 1-800-799-7233. Even if you don't use it today(please do you and your daughter deserve a good life) keep it handy ok. I really wish the best for you and your daughter.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
3 Dec 06
Well said and I totally agree
I hope you get this sorted I have posted because I feel for you and I really hope that you will get out of the situation
I will advise one thing get legal advise take your Mum with you and get legal advise if you can please let us know how things are
@pillowgirl (89)
• United States
4 Dec 06
I shouldn't need to go to any women's shelters. He lives with me in mother's house. It's just that I worry that if I try to do anything about this, he is going to take my daughter and leave and I am not sure how to prevent that from happening.
He keeps telling me that he would give me a divorce if I gave him full custody of our daughter, as if I would even consider such a thing. I feel like he is holding me hostage in this marriage because he threatens to take her from me. I don't want things to get violent because even though it is all just verbal I know he has the capacity to be physical if I provoke him about our daughter.
I don't think he is a bad father, in fact I think that is the only thing he is good at in this relationship, and I hate the thought that she would not be able to be with him all the time, but I also know it isn't right for her to see us hating each other and hear him saying the hurtful things he says.
Yes, I know what I need to do... I just don't know the smart way to go about it.
1 person likes this
@justiman (428)
• United States
10 Dec 06
Documentation. You must document the episodes in your life that are abusive. I say take pictures of the pot and whatever he has to go with it. i.e. pipes, bongs, papers. ...talk to a lawyer and explain the situation. It sounds like you wouldn't want him to get in legal trouble, but the more documenting you can do, the better off you are when it comes to settling this very emotional matter without dragging your baby through it and hurting her. I can say this with confidence because I went through a terrible situation with my ex-wife and I have custody of my two teenage daughters because I wrote down everything. When I went in front of the judge there was no question these things were happening because I had pictures and dates and it was impossible for her to argue. Good luck to you.
@prettylykedrugs (430)
• United States
10 Dec 06
and keep a journal. Everytime he gets abusive, write the date, what he said and did. How it made you feel. Then take pictures if anything was damaged.
My mother did this during her divorce (I was young 12-16. It was a four year long divorce) and it helped her greatly.
@moneyseeker (1024)
•
4 Dec 06
It's difficult to give advice to someone you don't know fully. However, I'd say that no one should put up with abuse. Life's too short for such things and, with a child as well, it's not good for her either.
I don't know about the medical condition but with your mother at hand I'm sure it will be seen that you can cope.
I'd just like to wish you lots of good things.
Good luck,
Mike.
@pillowgirl (89)
• United States
9 Dec 06
Is this a lame attempt to get credit for posting without actually contributing to the conversation? Correct me if I am wrong. Please.
@sireesuccess (1254)
• India
4 Dec 06
u said that earlier he was a drunker and he stop it after some while right .so why dont u take little more time to stop that pot too.and anyway u said that u have ur mom's support to.so its better tell them if thought i am not well and my husband is same like too then u take care of my child.but u said that u both love each other.so dont think of divorce bcoz it is very worse situation.
@pillowgirl (89)
• United States
9 Dec 06
Was there a point to this response? Pardon my bluntness but I sure wish there were a way for me to delete responses that are not conducive to a discussion.
