Parental heartbreak..children punishing parents?
By nanna_m
@nanna_m (71)
United States
December 15, 2006 1:42pm CST
Why do teens continually break their parents' hearts? My 18 year old step daughter got mad at her father when she was still 17 years old and moved out of our house. She did not like our rules, which were strictly made for her safety and well-being. (Driving out of town late at night to see her boyfriend, among other things.) Her father begged her to come home and tried to work things out, but she refused. He did everything he knew to make things better between the two of them, but she refuses to even come visit or call him just to say hello. She and I have, up to this point, maintained a good raport, but she has "punished" her father and it's killing him. He has been through so much this past year with almost losing his life in a headon collision, after suffering work-related injuries which were made worse by the accident. He is only 40 years old and my fear is that with his luck, if something should happen to him, his daughter will regret her decision for the rest of her life. They were very close at one time, but as she grew older, she decided she could take care of herself an no longer needed her father around. I wish I could fix things between them and I've tried to stay mutual where they are both concerned, but my patience is wearing thin. I see how much my husband is hurting and it hurts me to see him like this. He doesn't talk about her anymore, but it bothers him all the same. Thank God for his other daughter and my children who are all very loving and understanding. But when that one sheep goes astray, it's heartwrenching. Any advice?
30 responses
@Tweety2035 (662)
• United States
16 Dec 06
I can relate to this.My teen daughter does everything she can to keep me upset.It's like a game with her but she doesn't realize that she is only hurting herself.All I can do is pray that one day she will wake up and stop being so selfish.
@nanna_m (71)
• United States
16 Dec 06
Judging from my own children, she may never stop being totally selfish, but she will come around and realize that you were only doing the things you do because you love her. I have three grown children ages 28, 25 and 24, and each of them has told me at one time or other that when they were younger they thought we were mean parents, but now that they're older, they see things differently and realize why we did the things we did. And I dare say they're grateful. They've all turned out just fine and I couldn't be more proud of them. Your daughter will come around, as will my step-daughter. It's just that long loney road we have to travel to get there. I know God is in control of every situation, but it sure helps to vent at times. ;)
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
16 Dec 06
I think you need to point out to her that it is time to make up with her Dad I am suprised that she didn't when he had the Accident
She needs to be made aware that Life is to short to carry on like this and how would she feel if something happened to her Dad and she would not have a chance to make up
Those things need to be pointed out to this young Lady if not by you maybe by a Friend or someone close to her
I really hope you will be able to sort this and I hope you keep supporting your Husband as it must be very hard for you
@nanna_m (71)
• United States
16 Dec 06
Thanks...I've tried that. Doesn't work. She thinks she has to be in control of everything. She makes all the rules. She has had a problem understanding who the parent/adult is and who the child is for the past couple of years now. My husband's accident was several months before she moved out and she cried like a baby, but I guess she's forgotten that now. It has really bothered me a lot lately with Christmas almost here. She says she loves her daddy, but she has a very immature way of showing it.
@taxuexunmei (22)
• China
16 Dec 06
you are a careful woman,and you must be a very good wife,aren't you?
@gau_veldt (63)
• Canada
16 Dec 06
Easier said than done. In fact this kind of action may even make the gap wider. The sad truth is only the daughter can make the decision to make amends. No one can do that for her. We all want the world to be ideal, including any children, but unfortunately this is not a perfect world and things can and do go wrong.
@nanna_m (71)
• United States
16 Dec 06
Tried that...tried talking to both of them together and separate. She says she has no quams with her dad, but she broke his heart when she told him that she would not be coming to visit him anymore because she'd rather be with her friends. I told her how bad he feels and asked her to please call him. She said she would, but never did. That was 2 months ago. On the flip side, he does not call her either. And when he does, he usually loses his temper and yells at her for not listening to his advice. That's when I give him the "she has to learn for herself" speech. I just wish she'd stop by more often. She works at Wal-Mart and when I see her, she always comes to me and gives me a hug. I feel we still have a good relationship, but I don't know why she won't come visit. Again..she feels she has to control every situation.
@enigmatic_ME (56)
• India
16 Dec 06
It's very sad but i think the real cause of this lie deep beneath her childhood days and the environment. In western countries children tend to do so because their environment forces then to change. I'm not saying that the environment there is not good but what i'm trying to suggest that they mistakingly tend to believe that they have become quite mature and can take their own decisions.
I'm from India and traditionally we have a habit of respecting our elders but now a day here too people are becoming unconventional and trying to follow western traits.
@nanna_m (71)
• United States
16 Dec 06
There is a lot of truth to what you are saying. She lived with her mom and step-dad until 5 or 6 years ago. Her step-dad was very controlling and mean to her. We went to court over what we believed to be abusive issues, and that's when the girls came to live with us. Her mom finally divorced the creep, but I believe there are a lot of unresolved issues there from her childhood.
@sanju1588 (1)
• India
16 Dec 06
Hi,I do understand, as we had similar similar situation at home . Well, what i suggest is,...the best thing would be self realisation. in this case, the more you try giving her advice, more suffocating it becomes for her ( As per such kids ) she is growing and iam sure her friend circle must be the great influence on her. If and only if want to try having a night party at home and calling her friends at home, show them how lucky she is to have such a family, and such great loving parents.
You could ask your husband to be little more relaxed in terms of taking stress. as I correctly read " our rules strictly made for her safety) could be little more easy and relaxed. she is growing . she is changing . let her change naturally .you can spend some time talking with her during breakfast . Donot compare her to any of your other kids . let your other kid address her more respectfully and more lovingly.
iam sure she will change, some day.
@cloud9 (176)
• Philippines
16 Dec 06
For now just let it go. I believe she would realize her own mistakes. She still seems to be immature with how she deals with the family and other people. Let her grow and learn from experience so she could be humble and learn that not everything she does is correct. If she loves your family and her father, she'll return and apologize in the right time. Just let her feel that your there when she needs you and guide her for now espcially if you feel like she's about to make a wrong decision. I just hope that she'll realize her own mistakes sooner.
@sharkbiter (382)
• United States
16 Dec 06
The only advice I could give is to continue to love and support her. When I was 19 I thought I knew it all too and moved in with my boyfriend against what my parents believed. I didn't fight with them or turn against them , but I did do what I wanted and didn't listen to their advice. I know I hurt them, but they loved me very much and lived with my decision. I regretted my decision after the relationship became abusive and I lived that way for 4 years, but my parents were always there for me. I in turn have always remained here for them. I don't understand why children can't realize just how much parents do for them. I lost my Mother to a heartattack in Sept. and and am now living with my father who has Emphysema and only has 20% lung capacity left. I feel like my life is crumbling and it hurts me to hear stories about children who can't see what they have now. I wish you luck with your daughter and hope she realizes before its too late to cherish each precious moment with you and her father.
@nanna_m (71)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I'm very sorry to hear of your mother's passing, and to have your father ill on top of this. I know it's hard. I've lost both of my parents in recent years along with one sister. Cherish the time you have while you can and make lots of memories today. Thank you for the words on my step daughter. I know I need to just keep doing what I've been doing which is love her and accept her decision, but it's also hard knowing that the only time she will come to see us is if there is something in it for her. But again, that is her choice and we'll just have to deal with it. Take care and I'll be praying for you and your father. God bless.
@JulietsMom777 (1182)
• United States
16 Dec 06
I have a cousin who is planning on doing this, though she is 21 her plan is to never talk to her mom again. Knowing the way my aunt is she is going to fall apart when my cousin does this to her. I've told her she needs to patch things up with her mom and not do her like this. All I can say is to pray that she will soften her heart towards her father and that they can one day have that awesome relationship that they once had. I hope she realizes her decision was a mistake to cut her father out of her life and talk to him again. God Bless
@nanna_m (71)
• United States
16 Dec 06
Thank you. I think your cousin needs to "discuss" moving out with her mom and try to do it in such a way as to not offend her. She is 21 afterall. My son left home at age 18, but he didn't leave on bad terms. He and my husband had a few issues and my son decided that it was time to leave. He went to Bible College out of state for 9 months, and when he came back, his relationship with my husband was totally changed. He apologized to my husband for his part in their disputes and they hugged and still get along fine to this day. He's 24 now. My step daughter will talk to her dad and I know deep down she still loves him, but she has a lot of pride and so does he. Maybe they are just too much alike. He was around when my kids were teens, but he's finding out what it's really like now that his girls are teens. We have no problems with his younger daughter. She is a very special girl and has a heart of gold. But she loves her sister also so we try not to get her involved in what's going on.
@neon2000 (2756)
• Philippines
16 Dec 06
Give and Take. Give your daughter a little freedom. If she wants thing you do not want to give her because it is will be bad for her, compromise. Tell her in a nice way not in a shout or agumentative way, most children doesn't want to be shouted and being embarrassed.
@nanna_m (71)
• United States
16 Dec 06
I think that is a lot of the problem between she and her dad. I've always been the mediator, but he tends to get a little overwhelmed and ends up in an argument. Then I have to go break it up and try to calm everyone down. I will say on a positive note, it has been a LOT more peaceful around here since she left. We just miss her. We don't want her to move back...I've told her our home is always open to her if she changes her mind...we just want some type of communication. On her MySpace profile she states that one of her enjoyments is 'spending time with those she loves'. Go figure.
@chimex4real2k2 (1853)
• Nigeria
16 Dec 06
kids of nowadays behave funny they feel they can take care of theirselvs as early as 17 well i just pray she comes bak to her senses and come back home because relly there is no place like home
@nanna_m (71)
• United States
16 Dec 06
She is living with her grandma and has strict rules over there. Maybe even more strict than here, but that doesn't mean she obides by them. Her mom (who also lives there) is on the road a lot so she is unable to keep close tabs on her. We hear from other family members how disrespectful she is to her grandma and mom, so things are no better there. Thanks for your comment.
@ThulsZ (784)
• India
16 Dec 06
I'm having lot of constraints as a teenager since i'm doing so, and I have done pretty well with my life. . I think the fact that my parents basically just asked that I let them know I'm fine made me feel really respected, and trusted.I support myself, don't have abuse problems etc etc
@nanna_m (71)
• United States
16 Dec 06
She had almost everything she could ask for. We allowed her more freedom than any of the other kids ever had. All we asked was to call us to let us know when she went somewhere that she was there and safe. It was just the one incident that her daddy did not want her going to her boyfriend's house that night. She had called me earlier and asked permission and I told her to wait a couple hours because the weather was really bad..tornado watches.., but if it cleared up, then I had no problem with it as long as her daddy didn't mind. But also, if we told her no to something, she would not let it go. She would push and push until we gave in. She really isn't a horrible person. She's a very sweet girl, but she just has to control everyone. She also loves to argue and she admits to pushing people just to get in an arguement with them. Hopefully she'll grow out of it soon. It's good to get different view points on here from different people. It helps just sounding off. I know in my heart that one day she'll come around. I just hope she doesn't have to live with regrets if she waits too long.
@beautyoperater (1890)
• United States
15 Dec 06
I had the same problem with my daughter while she was in high school. She moved out her senior year and wouldn't come home. She hated the rules and really doesn't like her step dad (which is funny because he's been more of a dad to her then her own father was before he killed himself)
Anyway I didn't push the subject and I was heartbroken. She finally came around after graduation. For a little while. Broke up with the boyfriend she had and became a human being again.
Anyway she got a job in another town and has a new boyfriend. She just turned 20 this month. She calls atleast once a week or stops in when she can.
She is regreting leaving home and not going to college now but I keep telling her she can still do the college thing but she says she would if she still qualifies for volleyball.
We are still a little touchy with each other but I let her live her life now and she is actually saying she loves me which she never did.
There is always hope. Keep the faith that she will come to her senses and feel bad about what she did or has done.
They do grow out of it sooner or later.
@nanna_m (71)
• United States
15 Dec 06
Thanks...that's encouraging. I know from my kids' experiences, they usually start showing signs of maturity by age 23...hopefully! :) It's just tough going through it. But my kids never did anything so drastic and at such a young age (17 and also a senior) to hurt us. I'm glad things have worked out for you and your daughter.
@nobodyspecial (1011)
• United States
16 Dec 06
I found that when a child decides she no longer needs his/her family the best thing one can do is let go.
Letting go was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And there was no doubt I had to do it for my sanity, my other children and my daughter's.
Because I let go 15 years ago, my daughter today is closer than ever before. She tells me the things she didn't feel she could when she was younger. She calls and actually values my advice.
I have just recently had to let go of another daughter...it hurts as much as the first time...but I know that when she learns whatever it is she needs to she'll be calling once again, wanting the mother she left behind.
I can't say how long it will take, but I can say they always come home, sooner or later, they always come home.
@nanna_m (71)
• United States
16 Dec 06
Thanks for the encouraging advice. I've tried to let go, but with the holidays here, it's really hard. Sometimes I just want to go see her and tell her things that I'm sure I would regret. But that wouldn't help the situation. So I just smile and avoid any conversation that might veer to a negative side. I want her to look at me one day as the mom (she still calls me mom although I'm the step-mom)who didn't judge and never gave up on her. I just keep my true feelings to myself when I see her.
@knskys12 (60)
• United States
16 Dec 06
Although, it's hurting your husband to see her leave him. You both must learn "TOUGH LOVE"
Sometimes, with teenagers they have to go through things (even the worst of things) before they realize the grass is not always greener on the other side.
Hopefully, she'll come around before either he or she leaves this earth.
@sharkbiter (382)
• United States
16 Dec 06
The only advice I could give is to continue to love and support her. When I was 19 I thought I knew it all too and moved in with my boyfriend against what my parents believed. I didn't fight with them or turn against them , but I did do what I wanted and didn't listen to their advice. I know I hurt them, but they loved me very much and lived with my decision. I regretted my decision after the relationship became abusive and I lived that way for 4 years, but my parents were always there for me. I in turn have always remained here for them. I don't understand why children can't realize just how much parents do for them. I lost my Mother to a heartattack in Sept. and and am now living with my father who has Emphysema and only has 20% lung capacity left. I feel like my life is crumbling and it hurts me to hear stories about children who can't see what they have now. I wish you luck with your daughter and hope she realizes before its too late to cherish each precious moment with you and her father.
@icequeen (2840)
• Canada
16 Dec 06
You just have to let her go...hopefully she will think about it and contact you. She will need you one day....I would just concentrate on your other children and your husband. It sounds like you are a loving family....and your daughter will realize that when the cold hard world smacks her in the face and she needs you....until then you just have to keep loving and living as a family...
@vipul20044 (5793)
• India
16 Dec 06
If u ask me to say reasons of why do children disobey there parents will filled hundreds of pages but not end . In this independent world everyone wants to leave there lives at there own wish. And if sometime concerning if we say something to them they will say that its my life I will live it with my own wish. Who are u to interfere. And that very time we will have no reply but feel that our broughting up has been bad. I'm too a daughter ,but I would never expect happiness and comfort giving sorrow to my parents. Because in the legs of ur parents lies ur heavenss. But most of us don't like to believe in this things. There is no place for morals and ethics in there lifes.
1. bad parenting-skills
2. lack of attention from the part of the parents.
3. wish of living there life with own way.
4. seeing everythings with there own veiw
5. making bad friends and having a great influnce
6. conflict of understanding between parents and children.
7. problem in the relation of mother-father
8. want to take all their decisions on their own wish
9. want of bying expensive gifts and un-needed things
10. curious about things around them
11. going party with friends and coming late at night
12. parents being too consernative
12. want freedom
13. television having a great influence
To genuinely say, I don't feel that children should not hurt or disobey there parents. Because they do alot for us .And in turn to give something to them, the best would be good behaviour, careness ,love and togetherness.
@kaspyv (1011)
• United States
16 Dec 06
have you tried talking to her and telling her how you feel about this and how much its hurting her father? maybe it would help if her father would acknowledge to her that he realizes she is an adult now and can do as she wishes. there has to be a neutral ground for them somewhere....who knows maybe she is hurting as much as her dad is.
@chiquita1977 (1706)
• United States
16 Dec 06
I think alot of kids that are 17 or 18 do these kinds of things to their parents.I do not think they want to intentionally hurt their parents i think it is because they are trying to find themself and they want to be their own person who dont depend on the parents.I think your husbands daughter will eventually come around hopefully it is sooner that later because she dont want something to happen to him and then end up regretting the last conversation she had with her dad.if i was you i would try and talk to her.
@gopal_85 (509)
• India
16 Dec 06
just as the childrens got matured counsel with them and do what they need if they want to separate make it for their happiness. then they will praise you and make you feel good for the rest of time
@ganeshkr12 (18)
• India
16 Dec 06
Dont worry, keep doing good to your children. During teen age most children wont obey their parents. But After 25 when they realise everything around them the most worst children will turn around to a most best children, Its true. Keep informing your children that you are always there for them thts enough. So Dont worry, be happy !!!
