I don't want to lose my girlfriend... What do I do?
By smilekeith
@smilekeith (248)
United States
December 17, 2006 2:40am CST
Last week, my girlfriend and I had a talk. Mainly her talk, and my listen. She told me she's been concerned, and is on the fence as far as our relationship goes. In her mind, I am not driven and not as ambitious as I should. She sees herself going to work, and then going to school and working on the home she just bought. She sees me pursuing my real estate career, but stuck in limbo cause I don't want to be left without a job. The job i have pays my bills, but it doesn't do anything for me anymore. However, I don't feel that I can quit, because the real estate market is slowing, and I have a lot of things to learn.
But, this isn't her real concern. Her concern is that she loves me, and she is at a point where we have to move forward together or not at all. Apparently, I am everything she wants in a guy except for one thing. She's afraid that I don't have the drive to follow through on my dreams and she doesn't want to be with a man who doesn't dream. But, I do dream. And, I try to follow up.
She doesn't feel that I pull my fair share in the relationship. I am supportive, and always there when she needs me, but that's not what she's looking for. I know that I have problems following through. Last week, I sat at home all day. I wanted to get out of bed, but I almost couldn't. Not physically, but mentally. I have found myself doing this a lot lately, and I am not sure what to do. What's the problem? How do I move forward.
How do I get motivation and focus. I know I have a real talent with getting along with people and meeting people. I am excellent with making people feel at ease. (As if it makes a difference to me, she felt the need to tell me that EVERYBODY she knows, loves me. - but my concern is how she feels...)
I told her to break up with me if she feels that I am not the person she wants. She doesn't want me. She wants a modified me. I am not going to change my whole personality. I want to be mroe focused, more driven, but I don't want to be an a$$ to do it.
What do I do? Any ideas? Counseling? Hypnosis? Or do I cut my losses and move forward. She kissed me on the cheek the other day, instead of on the lips. So, I am guessing I already lost. Any last ditch efforts without making promises I can't keep?
2 people like this
65 responses
@Logodae (31)
• United States
17 Dec 06
I don't think you can or should change just because your girlfriend thinks you should, but it doesn't sound like your life is exactly where you want it to be, either. So, maybe this is an opportunity to look at your life and decide what *you* want to do with it, and how you're going to do it... and once you've got a plan, ask your girlfriend's opinion on it. Because if it were really definitely over, she wouldn't be kissing you at all. ;)
1 person likes this
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
17 Dec 06
My life is nothing like I expected it to be. I have been working at my job for eight years, but it is more or less because I got comfortable there. If I told her I loved my job, and jumped up every morning to go there, she might be happier. I definitely think she has been honest with me and isn't sure what she wants to do.
@Logodae (31)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Well, any ideas about what you WOULD jump out of bed for?
BTW, you might be interested in reading some of Steve Pavlina's stuff (www.stevepavlina.com). I haven't been impressed by most "personal development" gurus, but he's got some good insights. I'd skip the "intention-manifestation" stuff, though... he's kinda gone off on a weird tangent with that.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
17 Dec 06
For the Motivation you have to do that by yourself set a Goal and go for it work for it
Also councelling sounds good as you say mentally you do not want to get out of Bed go to your Doctor and explain that
And your Girlfriend should support you on that and possibly even go with you
Now to your Girlfriend, she has pointed out your Faults, what about hers, and what does she mean about the Relationship, what does she want out of it. If you are earning and it is paying your Bills, what is her Problem. Yes everyone would like to go forward in Life but it takes hard work to do it and of course support. Ha she not thought that you might be having Problems at the moment, so why not approach you that way first and help you
She needs to tell you what she is looking for, as I would have been happy if my Ex Husband would have been supportive and there for me, what does she want then. The Talent you have is great as it shows you must have a great Personality, is she jealous that People love you for who you are? Don't be to hard on yourself here as I think your Girlfriend also has a Problem. If you love her and want this to work, then you sit her down and tell her how you feel, or the other option is, ask her what she wants and if you can't give that then call it a Day and tell her good luck in finding what she is searching for. I know this sounds harsh but she is trying to change you drastically and not willing to change herself. To me that is one sided just like my Ex was. One sided.
I really hope you can get this sorted out but please don't be to harsh on yourself
@bleedingportriate (641)
• Australia
17 Dec 06
sounds like she doesnt care about u that much and u dont care about her that much either.
i suggest u take up some marriage couseling , do not bother taking advice from people who are no profesionals, everyone has an opinion but u could make mistakes by taking them it might seem like good advice to u but maybe its bad advice.
1 person likes this
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
17 Dec 06
Wow, I wasn't expecting this much response. I will have to take time to read them all over time. But, to respond to this one first:
I actually have a doctors appointment on Friday. I will bring up this concern with her. I love my doctor, great woman. Anyway, I definitely think that is a concern, because no matter what happens, at the end of the day, if I am not motivated to get out of bed then I won't accomplish anything.
@sobeit (57)
• United States
17 Dec 06
sounds like she wants financial stability which she thinks only comes from you both working. I hate to say but NOTHING is secure or set in stone and even if you followed your dreams to the fullest anything can happen and put a bump or stop sign in your road to success.
I understand wanting someone who works hard and has drive but that does NOT make a relationship work. Money does Not buy happiness only things. Things are fun but they dont fix feelings... I dont think your job drive is the real issue.
1 person likes this
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
17 Dec 06
I have my real estate license. However, getting the license is the easy part. Trying to get people to trust you can do a full time job when you only have part time to commit to it is the hardest part. And, finding clients. Some days I feel like a sponge that is saturated, but still trying to absorb water.
As far as her financial stability. yes, that is important to her. And, I don't blame her.
@nhtpscd (1416)
• Australia
17 Dec 06
Sounds like the poster has a lot of mixed emotions and hence the drag to get out of bed. Take things step by step. Is there any way you have time so study for the real estate while you are still working? I can understand that quiting would be a financial burden so I would not suggest that. There are come online courses you can do on the net. But remember to do waht truely is right for you. If you are not happy with yourself then you won't be happy as a member of a couple
1 person likes this
@blury_b11 (44)
• Philippines
17 Dec 06
try to talk with her more and you'll find out more of what she really likes....i also somewhat agree with her a little i think you have to drive more its for ur future both of you i think you have to follow her advice as long as you can do it then when you're in it, do realize and recall if it had done good or bad.
1 person likes this
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
17 Dec 06
I am sure you agree with her a lot. I do. I Have to have drive. And the worse part about not having it, is when you sit in bed mad because you don't have it, it makes you even more mad. Thanks for the advice.
@theadvisor (147)
• India
17 Dec 06
sit and talk it out between the two of you and sort it out. every relation has its up and downs. dont lose hope.
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
17 Dec 06
We will have to do that. This time I can get advance notice, so i can have an idea of what I want to say and not be caught off guard with nothing to say.
@bbboricua03 (183)
• United States
17 Dec 06
I don't think that she's being selfish, or trying to be selfish at all.
Honestly, it sounds like she's really trying to do good for herself, and live the life that she feels that she deserves. It seems like she really wants you to be there with her to share that life with her. At the same time, she's seeing something now that she feels she doesn't want to live with, or that she can't live with.
I think she just wants the relationship to be equal, as it should.
1 person likes this
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
17 Dec 06
I definitely agree with you. She mentioned marriage and she would love to be married to me. But, she said it's not all about "kicks and giggles". So, she is thinking forward and wants to decide if the future that she thinks she sees is the future she will have. Hopefully, this is all something that I will find the right trigger response for, and will prove to her that I can strive to be the best me that I can be and share in all parts equally.
@IshidaMitsunari (1026)
• China
17 Dec 06
I am very sorry to hear about this problem, and it sounds like a difficult situation. My advice is just sit down with her and tell her how you feel. Let her know what your goals and dreams are, but also tell her how you feel about those goals and dreams. Tell her the things you said here, and whatever else is on your mind. If the situation remains the same, it seems her faith in you is gone. My boyfriend always tells me that one of the most important things to a person is the faith their loved ones have in them. Without it, no one can remain together, no one can move forward, no one can trust. It is true. And it seems, as of now, her faith in you is gone. Again, I am sorry. It seems she is looking for a superman and no one is positive and optimistic about their goals and dreams all the time. I doubt mine and if I will ever reach them, but my boyfriend always has faith that I can acheive them and when I feel like just laying in bed and listening to music, he lays there with me and talks to me and helps me. Perhaps you need her to do the same for you. Perhaps you should tell her that as well...
1 person likes this
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
17 Dec 06
I think she will always be supportive of me whether we are together or not. I do know her faith has to be shaken in me, because I don't do the things with the determination that i wish I possessed. Honestly, she isn't the only one who wishes i had more determination in me. I do, too.
@kingadnan (1538)
• Pakistan
17 Dec 06
you should follow you career steps . as soon as you success your girl friend will back to you.
@sweetieBerry (235)
• Philippines
17 Dec 06
that's just the thing though - isn't your girlfriend supposed to HELP you attain your goals while also trying to attain hers?
isn't a relationship supposed to be a team effort?
this just confuses me how sometimes other people have set conditions with the people that they love.
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
17 Dec 06
The tree that bends gives fruit? I like it. I do think I can change, but not completely. Which is the situation. I am not opposed to making adjustments. I am very flexible in general, but LOL, I was going to say that my personality isn't flexible, but I just heard Tony Robbins say that people don't have a personality.
@TasksGirl (216)
• United States
17 Dec 06
My husband is like that also he is GREAT at making friends and making everyone love him .. when I'm not jealous I'm proud LOL. He isn't very motivated in school but I can deal with that.
Why is she asking this of you? Is it about money or is it just about your character?
Whatever you do - don't give up on her yet!!! That is exactly what she is EXPECTING you to do !!! Deep down she is TESTING you .. she is BEGGING you to SHOW her that you can be motivated and do something.. you need to do something BIG to show her that you love her and you do NOT want to lose her and will do WHATEVER it takes to keep her..
When you were talking about not wanting to get out of bed - it sounds like you may have a problem with depression you should maybe see a doctor. People who are depressed often lack motiviation.
I can tell from your picture as well that you would make a great salesman, supervisor, or manager. You are friendly and smart.. you remind me alot of my husband. People like this have a great talent and I would give ANYTHING for that talent over my stupid computer skills!!
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
17 Dec 06
Thanks for the compliments. You didn't say handsome, but my ego will throw that in there also. LOL.
I need to learn to harness the skill. I can easily chit chat with strangers without purpose, but I do freeze up sometimes when I need to talk to them with purpose.
I don't think money is her biggest concern, I just thinks she wants to see ambition. The one thing I've learned in life, is that the one thing someone loves about you, will be the same thing they will hate about you when things aren't great. My laid back personality is great, it's comforting and reassuring. It can be calming when YOU are having a bad day, and a calm guy is there to hold you. It can be annoying when that guy doesn't appear ready to give it his all and takes things as they come.
I am not ready to give up on her yet, but I am ready to move forward if I need to.
@TasksGirl (216)
• United States
18 Dec 06
oh yeah you are just like my husband LOL very laid back and sometimes its like HELP ME DAMN IT!!! lol
well I hope everything can work out !
@sweetieBerry (235)
• Philippines
17 Dec 06
first of all, i think it's really sweet that you went out there and bared your relationship problems to the world (well, to the cyber-world, rather). guys should do this more often - i mean, guys should talk more about their relationships and be open to other people's opinions.
... what hit me most was when you mentioned that she wants a "modified you". and it's so sad.
i know that relationships, at some point, need to go to the next level but the adjustment from moving from one step to the other is not always easy for the people involved in the relationship - like how it is with you...
my husband had the same problem about a year ago and i was about ready to give up like your girlfriend did cos i thought that we would never become succesfull unless he got out of bed and worked! luckily, my parents and i are close and they advised to wait awhile and just be there for him.
so that's what i did. i waited - and let me tell you, it was not an easy wait, i had almost given up close to a dozen times during that wait period.
it took a lot of talking and reasoning and fighting and arguing. my point when we argued was always: what more motivation do you need other than waking up in the morning, looking at me and your daughter and knowing that we need you and love you?
and that just stumped him each time i said it.
i realized after that it wasn't me or our daughter that could motivate him but something that came from inside him. but he did tell me something to the effect that sometimes he just couldn't MOVE because i was suffocating him. i did feel guilty about this cos i always had him at my beck and call.. later, i just let him indulge in his hobby - fixing and riding bikes. i guess that helped him too because to this day, i still don't know what motivated him to change and move further but right now he's doing what he needs to do... of course, we're working on other issues now - it's only been 4 years and we're constantly adjusting to each other.
hopefully, by now, everything's ok. one thing that i need to say to you though, if someone really loves you, that someone wouldn't want a modified you but rather an "improved" you - there's a difference.
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
17 Dec 06
You said:
"i realized after that it wasn't me or our daughter that could motivate him but something that came from inside him. but he did tell me something to the effect that sometimes he just couldn't MOVE because i was suffocating him. i did feel guilty about this cos i always had him at my beck and call.. later, i just let him indulge in his hobby - fixing and riding bikes. i guess that helped him too because to this day, i still don't know what motivated him to change and move further but right now he's doing what he needs to do... of course, we're working on other issues now - it's only been 4 years and we're constantly adjusting to each other.
hopefully, by now, everything's ok. one thing that i need to say to you though, if someone really loves you, that someone wouldn't want a modified you but rather an "improved" you - there's a difference. "
I think she realizes this also, however, that scares her. I am not sure what it will be that motivates me. It has to be internally, not from someone else. I hope she is as patient as you were, I love her. And her support has always been there. I think the word "modified" was a word that I used in our talk because that is what came out. With hindsight, I would have thought up the word "improved", but that was during a more defensive conversation. I hope that you are correct.
@sweetieBerry (235)
• Philippines
20 Dec 06
no problem.
you used the term "modified" becuase that was what you felt.
and once again, the motivation should come from the inside.
:o)
take care.
keep us posted.
@brmj41975 (68)
• United States
17 Dec 06
Advise coming from a woman:
One : Be who you are
two: Always try to be the best you can be
three: always treat your girl with dignity and respect
four: always try to strive to do better
as for your path in life , you do what you have to do without putting yourself or your finances in jeapordy.She may be pulling away to make a point, BUT you can not change someone, people are who they are. As for the not having the mental ablity to want to get up i would say stress or depression. Either way relaxation will help. Hope this helps.
1 person likes this
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
17 Dec 06
Relaxation? Hmmm, I should give that a try also. Unfortunately, I don't project stress outwardly, so she might not even know how really stressed out I am right now. I can tell her, but seeing is believing and I don't show it. Do you know any good relaxation techniques?
@198112 (335)
• United States
17 Dec 06
Well try to work it out but don't get yourself too down if a break up occurs. It hurts but over time, eventually you will get over it. Then hopefully the next person that comes in your life will be meant for you. A lot of people tend to hang onto the ones that isn't much benefit for them. Also you can't make anyone want to be with you or love you. So if it is actually over accept it and move on.
That experience will be a lesson learned and next time you will know exactly the type of qualities you want in a women.
1 person likes this
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
17 Dec 06
So true. And, I will move on if it comes to that. I just don't want to move on until I give her an opportunity to catch a rising star.
@paravai (25)
• India
17 Dec 06
try to understand others.if u want some worthy thing u have to change ur self. i meant if she is worthier than ur wishes u have to compromise.otherwise she will go.because she think u r not worthier than her wishes.i know u will not be happy with my answer.but always truth will be hard.result of truth will be nice.
1 person likes this
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
17 Dec 06
I might not be the happiest person today, but I can always handled well intention advice when I ask for it. I don't have to like your answer to accept it. I asked. You answered.
@FreddyLim (161)
• Singapore
18 Dec 06
I dun think you had lost your galfriend... She loves you and wanted you to move forward... progress together toward another phase and many phases of your life together. You may wanna consider attending some of those motivation seminar and get motivated...
Seriously what I think you need to do is to come out with a plan on how you going to move forward, be it your career, financial status and life & dream... pen it down and sit down with your galfriend again to talk about it...
You not motivated to get out of bed would be due to many reasons. You may had been working too hard... maybe should go for holidays. After what you heard your galfriend you feel sad and depress that resulted in this... whatever it is I hope the above suggestion can get you out of the present situation.
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
19 Dec 06
I thank you for your hope. I hope you are right, and I know I need to do some motivation thing. I am going to practice some positive affirmations, and I just met with my productivity coach in real estate.
@superhiiro (496)
• United States
18 Dec 06
im a teenager and maybe a lil young to help, but my girlfriend also told me that our relationship was breaking up and that i was all she wanted but something wasnt there. she wanted me to change sometimes too. but the thing is....its not ur fault, my ex girlfriend now used to tell me to change...and its not that she wants a modified you...shes trying to find a way to make it work. and the thing is...you have to do something to make it work out, do something to make her love the way you are. i didnt do that..and i lost my special girlfriend. She might just need her space too and some time enough to notice how much she really does love you. the kiss on the cheek, it happened to me too. just try to have her change her mind about you, do something romantic and make her smile. me and my ex could never hang out..so i didnt have a chance to do anything...but im sure you have more chances than me. just try it..and if it doesnt work out...just give it time and space.
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Emotions are emotions. Being young or being old, they still have to be dealt with. Sorry to hear that your ex and you couldn't hang out or get together to work things out. The same things will apply to you as they apply to me. If it's over, its over and the faster you allow yourself the time to feel your pain, and then heal your pain. The better off you will be.
@natuser28 (907)
• United States
26 Dec 06
Start bringing other women to ur house. Now that's a good method
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
30 Dec 06
LOL, that will guarantee a quick kick it to the curb ticket. That's quite alright. I will listen to a few Anthony Robbins CD's and learn to re-invent myself.
@snugglepot_0886 (15)
• Australia
18 Dec 06
Perhaps all you need is a challenge and since you have been in your current job for a length of time then i suggest you stay in the Real Estate Business but maybe transfer to a different company where you have to "learn the ropes again"! If you dont want to move from your position perhaps trying climbing higher up the ladder! Manger, assistant manager etc. If this doesnt interest you but you are committed to the real estate industry, talk to your girl about ideas and advice on what she thinks of you starting up your own Real Estate Business. Maybe go into business with her. Say something to her like: "I have been thinking babe and I need a career change but I really like the Real Estate Industry, how do you think I would go starting up my own business, what qualifications do you think I need, what do you think about the whole idea"?
This shows her that you are in fact "dreaming" and including her in your dreams!!!
Good Luck!
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
19 Dec 06
I don't think the dreaming worries her. She likes that. She doesn't like the inaction towards that dream. But, I am talking to a productivity partner, who will help show me the ropes in the r.e. game.
@sharksfin (1091)
• Philippines
30 Dec 06
For one last time, try talking with her. Tell her how you feel and your reasons for not changing. Yes, you're right that you shouldn't change anything about yourself. She has to accept you as you are. But, maybe she's just helping you to become a better person. Maybe she can see that you can go farther. Don't miss that reason. Of course, any partner would want his/her loved one to be somebody. She maybe proud of you. Be open. Talk your heart and thoughts out. Maybe you can still work it out. See if you can still agree. If no, then, that's the time you decide.
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
16 Jan 07
We didn't really talk it over. I know she wants the best for me, but it didn't work. I am talking to a therapist, and the therapist recommended that I recognize that I have a slight depression that might be holding me back. Hopefully, that will work itself out. Maybe one day we will continue to be friends, but this week has been rough and I am not ready to talk to her any time soon.
