I just made the biggest decision of my life so far and.....
@browneyedwomen (1827)
United States
December 21, 2006 4:49pm CST
I dont know if it was the right one!
I've been with the same guy for 3 years and we got engaged a year ago! I recently told him I can not go any further in the relationship, because I need to figure out my life first! I love him to death and I dont want to hurt him, but Im ready to get motivated again, and figure things out...because I lost my life! I feel like I've been living someone elses life for this reason...
I told him that it didnt have to be over, but I know I cant expect him to wait around for me! Im just so lost, we've decided to suck it up until April for me to move out...and thats what the plans are so far! What do you think...Should I do this for myself or am I being selfish??? Im always unhappy and I dont want him to be...so this is what Im doing to prevent long term pain! Please let me know how you feel!
6 people like this
76 responses
@anaisnin (77)
• United States
21 Dec 06
i think you did the right thing....you can't expect to be able to make him happy if you your self aren't happy.
and i believe that if you really do love him and he really does love you that things will work them selves out, he seems understanding enough to know what you're going through and give you your space, just remember he may be very cautious thinking you'll run from him and not come back...that's common.
but whatever happens, happens, do not feel afraid to hurt someone to make your life more managable.
they have to understand that if you're hurting them this much now how bad it woul dbe if you made the decision later on in life when your life was more screwed up because of claustrophobia..
you know?
sorry if this is scattered and not too helpful..
i really feel you on this one though.
good luck
oh yeah, and absence does make the heart grow fonder so...maybe this will help you figure your stuff out as well as make the relationship stronger...
good luck honey..
@apostrofy (661)
• Romania
22 Dec 06
do what u'r heart tells u... i know it;s silly but i really believe in a saying ... if the 2 of u are meant to be, no time or space could dragg u 2 apart. if he really loves u, he'll wait for u.
@Kackie3 (345)
• United States
22 Dec 06
Yes, I agree,and its not being selfish to let him know so if he chooses he can move on if he wants. That is being very unselfish. When you do find yourself, you may find that he has waited patiently. Real love doesn't change just because you need a breather.
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
23 Dec 06
I thank you very much for the advice...I like thats you scattered minded because thats how I felt when I was writing this disscusion..I was worried that no one would be able to understand what I was tring to say...I really appricaiate the support I will need it...im just hoping for now that things work out for the best.
@jitu_anurag (603)
• India
24 Dec 06
Graet thinking..don't you have got time to think it first or in those 3 years spend with the guy...and what's that important has left in your life?you can achieve this with that guy only...just think it again
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
1 Jan 07
I dont think you quite understand...weve been happy in the past its just stupid things have come over us...weve been hating life with eachother for like a year...but we have been tring to work things out. Im not saying putting my self out there like that Im not going to get comments like that, but I guess I didnt put enough info up there. Im 21 years old, I dont know I think I have a long life ahead of me to accomplish marriage im not ready for it yet, so I dont know!
@msqtech (15073)
• United States
2 Jan 07
You are caught up in malaise because you arent headed toward a goal you have agreed to marry but didnt plan a future now you need some motivation. Choose your direction and then go toward it. Dont wait for someone else to decide your life course
@MIO82001 (594)
• Romania
29 Dec 06
I DON'T REALY UNDERSTAND WHY U SAY U LOST YOUR LIFE ....IF U LOVE THIS U MUST BE HAPPY TO BE WITH HIM OR TO DO THINGS WITH HIM ...OR NOT ?
OR U ARE AFRAID OF MARRIAGE ?OR MAYBE U DON'T LOVE HIM AND U NEED SOMETHING ELSE ...
THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT IF U CAN'T BE WITH SOMEONE U HAVE TO TELL HIM IT IS THE BEST THIG TO DO FOR THE BOTH ...BUT IF U LOVE SOMEONE U HAVE TO TRY TO MAKE LIFE BEAUTIFUL TOGETHER .
GOOD LUCK.
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
1 Jan 07
thank you...weve talked a lot about it...weve been trien to be real civil towards eachother, and its been helpen us become friends..this is how I feel like feelings and things can come back!
@drumm1n (499)
• India
23 Dec 06
i dont think evrything is fine in the realationship! i think that there is some problem and you are hung on to what the relationship was in the beginning! your clinging onto that and not wat you have now! the very fact that you calld off the wedding shows that your not happy with him!
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
23 Dec 06
were both not happy, and I have clung on to anything I've just realized that we both need some space maybe he doesnt know that yet but I think he will be able to thank me one day! We both have been un happy for months and havent done anything about it because we were to scared to hurt the other...now thinking about our selves now we can be the people we always were or need to be. I'v noticed that we are becoming friends and I think that maybe were the problem started...we werent friends before we got involved and we needed to be!
@sanjuktadas (52)
• India
22 Dec 06
I firmly beleive that nothing is more important in life than being happy. So if you ae happy by what you have done then go ahead as what matters end of the day is your happiness.
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
23 Dec 06
well luckliy Im not married yet and no one has given up...weve been tring to be happy with eachother for a good 8 months to a year and we've just been happy!! Whats wrost is if I didnt do anything about it!! I think that weve tried so many things to make eachother happy and nothing has worked, that we just need to become friends before anything else.
@lovespecialangel (3632)
• United States
22 Dec 06
i agree but sometimes what makes you happy today wont tommorrow. so if all marriages was to just say give up instead of fighting for what you want we would all be divorced by the first 6 months.its a hard job to be with someone else and live with them.yes i said job.its the reward you get out it when you see it thru is what keeps marrages together.would you rather try to fix the things wrong or just move on to the next and try to fix the things that are wrong in that relationship.they are all the same. some make it harder than what it neeeds to be. you just ask yourself what brought us together in the first place.is it worth fighting for or was it a mistake and we got together for the wrong reason anyway.
@remaster74 (4064)
• Greece
22 Dec 06
Girl, you have made your life miserable and the sad thing is that you are not the only one paying the damages. Your fiance is paying for your thoughts also. You could have made your life as you wanted, if you haven;t devoted yourself completely to this relationship. But, if your fiance has done the same thing as you did, and he is also devoted, then you will ruin him and you will ruin your relaionship for good. Don't move out. Try to make little baby steps, both of you, so to feel more free. Good luck!
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
23 Dec 06
well I will be moving out in April or May if Im still feeling the same way as right now. We have discussed everything to try to make our minds up now...Im not trieng to ruin anything Im trying to make it better, by making me better, you understand??
@abhisree (520)
• India
22 Dec 06
my god!!you are so confused!!first u better make up your mind..u can either stay happy with this guy and b lucky enough that someone loves u equally or u can stay unhappy because u do not know why u r unhappy in the first place..choice is yours!!
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
23 Dec 06
I know that im unhappy with being in a relationship I know nothing about...if I wind up being unhappy for the rest of my life I guess that would only be my fault no one elses, along with no one elses problem...I think that I took all the possibilitys in and out on context to make sure Im doing the right thing...and the only thing that has made me feel any better is actually getting off my butt and doing something about my unhappyness...so basically I should make both os us unhappy because I am I dont know how that makes sence to anybody...I've done this for both of us...so in the long run we will always know that we did give it a shot or two!!
@teenal (1400)
• Dublin, Ireland
22 Dec 06
If you have doubts and feel that your life is not your own you must end this partnership and find yourself. In the long run you are no use to a partner if you arent happy yourself and you may find yourself in the confines of a relationship but if the changes you make dont suit him it will end up over anyway. Always follow your instincts. Listen to whatt your mind and heart are telling you and grow to be the person you can be. If you and this man are meant to be it will come about in time and you will be happy as there will be no doubts.
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
23 Dec 06
thnk you this is how I feel...Im actually the happiest I've been right now...I m starting to be motivated and do things that need to be done!! Even if this doesnt help our relationship I iwll know that I'v done everything I could for both of us to be happy and not just one or the other!!
You know I love him so much I just dont want to watch him suffer anymore than neccisary!!
@kingatul (849)
• India
22 Dec 06
I don't think u have to be away from him to rediscover ur living ways u can be with him and meditate on ur present life
Even he can assist u in doing so
Actually all u want is to be ur self and the guy who had been with u for 3 yrs can help u out in the best possible manner
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
23 Dec 06
I think that we need to become freidns before anything continues down this road!! Of course I love him but he cant turn me into a person I dont know that I want to be...I've been so confused all my life on what I should do and only I can figure that out...now if he would like to sit around and watch me go though that process than he ismore than welcome to but I refuse to continue holding him back from the things he wants out of life...he's his own man and he knows where he belongs he's had the chance to figure that out on his own now I think I deserve that time...is that so bad???
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
23 Dec 06
well its not that im giving up I just want to make sure that marrying him would be the best thing for both of us...Im not just giving up...but i feel like Im tring to fix something!!
@natuser28 (907)
• United States
23 Dec 06
Yes, you are selfish but for the right reasons. You don't love so its time to move on and explore with your life.
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
23 Dec 06
I dont know how you get that I dont love..I've mentioned in so many ways how much I love him and why I 'v had to do this and why its so hard for me to get through...do you understand!! I dont know love him I just think we both allowed our selves to fall out of love...no matter what happenes I will always love him...he could leave me and never talk to me again and I would still love him because he taught me everything i know he taught me to become an adult now I have to prove to myself I can become one!!!!
@openedone (240)
• France
22 Dec 06
so the consequenses what tell you if the decision is right or not !
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
23 Dec 06
I was in the situation where i didnt feel ready to get married but engagements can last years...I didnt think i would have a problem with getting used to the idea...and I still think everything would work out I just need to get my self taken care of before I can join my life with his...he's my love and no matter what I will never regret being with him for any reason!
@vipul20044 (5793)
• India
22 Dec 06
Hey DOnt fret on your decision
just be positive and be happy with what you did, atleast its better to come out of all of this
You aint being selfish
Everyone is selfish if its for them and you are just being normal
So just be happy for your decision
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
1 Jan 07
hey thank you very much..you made me feel real good about my decision..I mean I'v already been feelen pretty good about it...thank you
@birthlady (5609)
• United States
22 Dec 06
If you are always unhappy, and you feel you are living someone else's life, I know how you feel! And I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. You don't say your age, but this can happen at any age! Give yourself your own life, then see if you want to share it with him. No, you're not being selfish.
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
1 Jan 07
well Im 21, and he is 30...we see things a lot differently but we should at least be happy with each other...we act like were gonna try to be better people but it never happens...we stopped communicating...just plain unhappy. I thank you for the kind words, and feel im doing the right thing..thank you
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
22 Dec 06
You have to follow ur heart and if u need to find yourself then i think you should take a break from everything otherwise you might just regret it later.
Good luck!
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
1 Jan 07
thank you but I really feel like I did the right thing..I feel like Im at a new begining in my life...I can start all over and not be to scared about it.
@Noxmorexlies (739)
• United States
22 Dec 06
I think you did the right thing, looking for something to figure out what life is about if something makes you feel like you have lost your life then you need some time to your self and go out and remember who you are. Best of luck :)
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
1 Jan 07
hey thank you very much...sometimes its hard to take the comments that are on the other side but it feels good with supporters like you...thank you
@shyam4uall (1002)
• India
22 Dec 06
I don't think there is anything you should feel sorry for.All have the right to maintain some privacy in their life and want to be an established persona in their life..if you want to wait for a long term relation before you are established when you have the right to think so.If you both are really in love with each other and after being spending atleast 3 years together,then there must be a better mutual understanding between each other.So you need to talk to him before making any decision ..
Also the pure and perfect love happens only once in a lifetime and it is really hard to find someone on whom you can believe with your eyes closed.So think of him,his feelings regarding you and then step forward with your decision.
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
1 Jan 07
I've already made my decision...and I feel like I made the right one...I feel like all the pressure and the stress was lifted frommy shoulders...I mean a lot of it has been replaced with a bunch of stressful situations, but I know and feel like god answered my prayers and told me where I need to go! I've been praying to god a lot more lately to find out what his plans are for me...I've really been tring to figure out what just happened in my life...I got a real horrible phone call about my grandma and that my mom will need as much help as she can get with her, so my plans now are to move up close to my moms and spend time with my family!!!
@vinod4net (628)
• India
22 Dec 06
no i dont think you are selfish, you are just thinking about your future and everybody has the right to think for it or else if your partner decides to leave you after some time you will in a mess had you not decided about your avenues. I hope your partner will understand your feelings and will act accordingly
@browneyedwomen (1827)
• United States
1 Jan 07
Hes been acting great, I mean he's very sad but also very suportive...he sees that we needed to do this, and that its gonna be real hard for sometime! thank you for being supportive!
