My Christmas problem Please Help!!
By momof4boyz
@momof4boyz (17)
United States
December 23, 2006 2:26pm CST
Okay so here is my Chrsitmas problem. My mom, who I have never been away from on Christmas had to go help one of my sister's this Christmas. My dad also died last year three days after Christmas, so I have been really down in the dumps this year. I am supposed to go to my soon to be mother in laws house for Christmas, but that is the problem. My fiance and I have lived together for about 2 1/2 years. We have a 14 month old son together, and I have three other children from a previous marriage. I have known his family for as long as we have been together, but they have made no effort to get to know me, or like me. I will admit I am a shy person, and can come off as a bit snooty sometimes, but 2 1/2 years should have been long enough for me to be welcomed into the family. We are never treated as part of the family when we got to gatherings. In fact we are never honestly invited, and the only ones we do go to my fiance asks if they are doing something, and they say yes, and he says then we will come. For instance the fourth of July they were having a picnic, his mom works 2 minutes from our house, but we weren't invited because she said she lost all 3 of our numbers, our email address, adn apparently she forgot where our house was becasue she couldn't stop byu to tell us about it. Anyways my fiance called her at the last minute and asked and she said oh yes I ahve been trying to reach you, and invited us. So we get there and everyone is talking about what they have been doing together at all their other get togethers which I might add we were not invited to,a nd making other palns together without inviting us. I mean they do this right in front of us, is this not rude? They still do not know which of my children go with which name, and my youngest who is her grandson has seen her a whole 3 or 4 times. We ask to come over and she says we can't cause her house is a mess, and she never comes here. I have tried everything, and I don't know what to do. When I go there I always leave in tears. We are outcasts. For Christmas she asked what we could bring to the dinner, and I said mashed potatoes. First off all we have like no money, and I am not kidding, we are broke, not a penny in the bank. So last night she called,a nd said that since potatoes don't travel well we shoudl bring the ham. The "HAM" are you kidding me? Could there be anyhting more expenssive. My question is this I really don't want to go. Would it be horrible of me if I sent my Fiance and the kids ahead and stayed home? This is my first Christmas since my dad died, and my first on without my mom, and I just don't think I could handle it, I am afraid I might say something I would regret. Thanks in advance for your help! Also I am so sorry it is so long!
3 people like this
21 responses
@GardenGerty (160466)
• United States
23 Dec 06
Your fiance and you should stay home with the boys. Make it the best, most fun time they can remember. They are your family. You know your mom would be there if she could. It is not fair to ask you to bring the ham to a dinner that you were not invited for in the first place. How is he with the idea of NOT going, himself. If he is to be your life partner, he needs to take care of you, and let you know that he loves you, more than his family.They do not sound like they miss him much. Maybe it is not you, but him, they are avoiding. From a practical point of view, many communities have a Christmas dinner for families or people who are away from their families. It is usually cheery for all. They often just go by donation, what can you afford, and no one is turned away. One of my lonelier Christmases, when my kids were young, and we could not travel, I dressed the table as festive as possible, got out a fancy coffee service, and made hot cocoa in it, and we had a luxury breakfast (pancakes are cheap) and enjoyed being able to be in our own home to play with our new toys and be together. You cannot choose what your in-laws do, only how you respond. If you are cheerful, and celebrate, your children will have a wonderful memory, and never know they have been slighted. If they go, those insensitive slobs will make them feel second class, especially if you do not go with them.
@momof4boyz (17)
• United States
23 Dec 06
Thank-you for your advice. I know that is what I should do, that is what my family keeps telling me. I just keep thinking, that if we stay home, then it will drive a wedge even further between us and we will never be able to get along. I want so badly to fit in and be accepted by them, but I am at a loss on how to make this happen. They are always polite to your face, but then they will make casual statements like what time did all of you say we were meeting at the fair? Which we weren't invited to or included int he planning at all. They have to know that this is rude, and maybe tehy are doing it on purpose? I really don't know.
1 person likes this
@cassiem0221 (274)
• United States
23 Dec 06
I agree with the comment above. STAY HOME! Have a family meal with your actual family. I have had an experience where I was treated similar and I thought it was my oldest son because I had him with a previous marriage and as it turns out, the family was avoiding my husband, not me! So, stay home with the kids because I think that is best for you all. If you weren't actually invited, it has been my experience that gifts are exchanged at most gatherings and it would be aweful for your kids to see other people getting all these gifts and them be left out. On the other hand, if you just must go, I would take a small gift for each of your children just incase. I have been in this situation and wouldn't relive it for anything! You could have a much better time at home with your family than in a place where you are all uncomfortable. I hope it all works out for you. On another hand, if you need extra money, I have found a site that pays by check that might could help and it is free. I have more too if you are interested in them all, just let me know. I will only post one for now and let you check it out. www.cashcrate.com/index.php?ref=149530 GOOD LUCK
1 person likes this
@shirgie (230)
• United States
23 Dec 06
I read your whole post carefully. The thing that has me the most curious is if your fiance's family likes your kids. Three additional kids at a family get together plus the new one they got to know more gradually, is a bunch to get used to even if they are well behaved. If they are anything but angels in training, perhaps that is part of the reason you are getting left out. On the other hand, I would definitely be asking your fiance if things have changed since you have been around or if this is the way it has always been for him.
There is no way I would send the kids especially yours from a previous marriage to the party without you. Unless they dearly love kids, you will not gain any popularity points. Just think of the damage 4 kids can do to a house without plenty of supervision. I only have 3 but the thought of 4 under the not so watchful eye of my hubby in his parents house is enough to cause a nervous breakdown.
Maybe the ham is a test. I would NEVER have the mashed potatoes brought in, so I don't blame them in not wanting you to bring those. They should be hot and freshly mashed. I would think they would also want the ham there too. Perhaps they don't think you will bring a ham so are purposely hoping that it will keep you from going. You didn't say if you agreed to bring the ham or if said you could not. Basically, I think the whole thing comes down to how badly you want to fit in with them. You can be excused easy enough but not going isn't going to help get your accepted into the family. I must say that it isn't sounding so good anyway but the only way to get accepted as far as I can see is to make the best of the opportunities you get. I agree with the other posters about staying home with your kids and make it a really good day for them, being a good option. It is wonderful to belong to a loving extended family if an accepting one exists. However, being the outcasts will get picked up by the children if that continues to be the case. Your kids have to come first. If you are anxious, it is likely that they will pick up on it. I wish you the best. Sorry you are so stressed at what should be a wonderful time of the year.
@momof4boyz (17)
• United States
25 Dec 06
Okay, first I would like to thank everyone who has responded and for all of your kind words. I have decided to go, for the sake of what our family could one day be. My sister gave me the money to go get a Honey Bked Ham so that I wouldn't have to cook one, because our oven is kind of broke and takes twice as long as normal to cook something. So I would have to get up at 5 am to cook the ham. Anyways she gave me the ham as my Christmas present. So they will be eating my Christmas present tommorow LOL. They are always kind to my children's faces most of the time. They do not let them do all the things that they let other children in the family do, but that will change in time I hope. The first year we went for Christmas they did not buy presents for me or the kids, so we sat and watched everyone else open gifts, but we had only known them for a few months, so it can be forgiven. Last year they gave gifts, and this year they will too, so we had to come up with gifts for 18 people which wasn't easy financially. I have the gifts ready to go, and the ham ready to go, and I am going to put my best face forward, and be optimistic. I have made the decision though, that if I leave in tears this year, I will not be returning. Thanks again, and I hope you all have the Happiest of Holidays, however you choose to spend them!
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
23 Dec 06
First of all don't worry about it being so long as we need to know the Story
Personally I would do what you are planning to do as you have enough to deal with and they sound awful they really do
If you know that you will loose it then you are better of staying at home and I would do the same
I hope you will come to the right decision as you do not need the extra grief on top of what you have got already
@WhatsHerName (2716)
• United States
24 Dec 06
I agree with the above posts, stay home. Chances are if they ever accept your youngest son, they will never accept your other children and that isn't fair. In my opinion, if you don't like all my kids, you don't like me and I'm not going to be around you.
Call her quick so she has time to buy her own expensive ham. What the heck is that? The person having you to dinner makes you bring the main item? Potatoes travel well anyway.
Stay home, make it the best Christmas ever!
1 person likes this
@hardwrknmama (22)
• United States
23 Dec 06
I agree with Gerty. It would be best if you stayed home. You have to take care of your own well-being and your children.
1 person likes this
@sweetdesign (5142)
• United States
23 Dec 06
All of you should stay home it is obvious that she, for whatever reason, does not want to include you and that is ultimatly her loss. She will be losing out on the grandkids (sorry but she could be a grandmother to your other children if she chose to). I think she is out of line to ask you to bring the ham that is the main course for pete's sake that is the host responsibility not the guests. Guests bring side dishes and desserts not the main fair! Cut your losses, stay home with your children and soon to be husband.
1 person likes this
@vmoore709 (1101)
• United States
24 Dec 06
If you really feel that this will be a terrible experience, don't put yourself, and your kids through it. Just explain your issue to your fiancé and hopefully he will be supportive and understanding. My family is like that at times and my husband has stayed home because of it. Don't feel bad about it either. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It must be difficult to lose someone so close around the holidays. Use the time alone to collect your thoughts.
@anuragmishra (127)
• India
24 Dec 06
dont go ny where.. enjoy at home.. its better to b at home in christmas.. cooool
@jessicacuite (45)
• United States
24 Dec 06
well if they don't like you and is your finance awear of this or have you told him that you think his family doesn't like you and its ok i don't have my mom or dad around me at christmas time it makes me sad but i can't do noting about it well i wish my grandmother was up here by me too i i know she can't she has to take care of her husband because he can't walk
@MzLefty (311)
• United States
24 Dec 06
I am sorry that you feel the way that you do,people can be so cruel,If I were you I would not go either.maybe that will send them some kind of a message.you should not have to subject yourself to that emotional abuse. Merry Christmas. and thanks for the discussion
@vinothcer (19)
• India
24 Dec 06
it's better to stay at home and look after your children.try to keep them happy and be a sweet mother to your children as they don't have anyone you are their world...happy and bright christmas. bye my dear friend.
@mack_john123 (42)
• India
24 Dec 06
you can cook some good food at your home and enjoy with your children..It will be better for you..hee hee hee
@josan181237 (1204)
• Philippines
24 Dec 06
yes staying home is a good idea. you can enjoy Christmas with your family. and its cheaper too. Merry Christmas to one and all! :)
@Danielu (599)
• Romania
24 Dec 06
I read this true story and i can`t say something... it`s not good that this things are happening. but i`ll wish you luck and be strong. And... Merry Christmas. On christmas day stay with people you like more or if you can`t go with your dog at walk , or with other dog
