How to get over beeing abused?
By Marie2473
@Marie2473 (8512)
Sweden
December 29, 2006 10:04am CST
I admit that I am mostly a happy camper these days and that there is really nothing wrong with my life, but every once in a while I end up in that DARK spot where noone actually can reach me.
My life has been a rollercoaster. Started out with beeing abused as a kid, not by my parents but by my brother. He is my younger brother, but earlie on he started using drugs and aggression wasa fact, ofcourse since we were close - he took it all out on me.
I sometims looked like a swedish flag (wich is yellow and blue) and I kept all quiet for everyone. My parents were absent alot while i was growing up and i had to more or less raise my brother..
When I finally broke down and told my parents they thought i was exagerating, and that broke my heart. So I kept living like this for years - putting up a happy face - what was the point, noone belived me,,
Then one day - my brother finally punched my mother adn then they realised that I had been telling the truth all along.
this started a long journey and it came up that my brother was abusing and he was admitted to rehab at the age of 15..
There are so many things i could count up, like the fact that he once even cut me with a knife, that i found him in an alley stabbed witht he guy standing next to him with the knife still in his hand..
So many tears and so much hurt...
Anyways, my brother finally got caught and sent to Jail, at this time he was 19 and it changed his life. After jailtime he made a 180 turn and today he is free of drugs and have been for years. he is ashamed of the way he treated me and the rest of the family and I have forgiven him - he is my brother and no matter what I love him..
anyway, I also met a man who in the beginning wa the loveliest man ever. UNTIL he also started abusingme.. I was with him for 4 years - just didn´t have the strengt to get out..
No, after going troght all this - how do i REALLY move on, or will this hauntme for the rest of my life..
I now live in a healthy relationship with a man who would never even raise a had on me and i have told him some from my past - but not all - itis still to painful forme to talk about? Anyone have any tips to share?
Ps; if you read te whole thing - thanx! I know it was long =)
4 people like this
24 responses
@pendragon (3348)
• United States
29 Dec 06
Use the hurt you have suffered as a gift and turn any patterned behaviour around.You have the option of being very sensitive to others that other people don't.Think of the times you were hurt and shed new light on the psyche of your abuser.Soon you will rise above all they ever did to you.You will offer and kinder gentler hand to those around you.I was abused by my father, and this is my take on it. Dysfunction as a weapon of love,lol.Peace.
1 person likes this
@msbyte (219)
• United States
30 Dec 06
Exactly! I work in an alternative school, and I work with youth at my church. We take our experiences from our past and use them to help others. I was abused by family and friends, abducted by an old man once (thankfully he did not kill me) and abducted at knife point once. All were painful experiences, but they can't hurt me now unless I let them. I can teach others though, so they won't have to be hurt by the things that hurt me.
It's SO hard to trust, I have been with my husband 17 years, and there are even times when I regress and just kind of freak out, but I can pull out of it quicker now, especially with my strength that comes from my savior.
God be with you and keep Smiling!
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
30 Dec 06
Thanx, you are right, I am sure this is not the end of climbing either =)
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
30 Dec 06
Here socialworkers are notthe way to go. they do not help you if u have a house to live in and a job to go to =( But thanx anyways
@anne_143god (5387)
• Philippines
30 Dec 06
You should always forgive those who commit sin against you. For your sin will be also forgiven.
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
30 Dec 06
I wish their were easy answers. But the best thing (and hardest thing) is to forgive everyone! Forgive yourself (yes, whether we're at fault or not there's always some self-blaming going on) forgive your brother, forgive your parents. Try to understand why everyone did what they did and felt the way they felt. More than anything, do not fight these feelings but rather feel them and express them, and accept them, and analyze them. Most pain, mostly emotional but even some physical, is simply a residual--a build up of feeling that was not expressed.
Work on making beauitiful new memories everyday. Live in joy when you can.
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
30 Dec 06
I do belive that I have tried and succeded in the forgiving part - it´s the forget part i fail at =(
Thanx for your response
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
30 Dec 06
Thanx!
yeah I have come a long way if you compare to years ago. I am mostly happy now...
@limcyjain (3516)
• India
29 Dec 06
you have really had a painful life and i pray to god that he gives you a loving partner with whom you live a happy life. I personally have not faced any such events in my life.
1 person likes this
@runsgame (2031)
• India
30 Dec 06
hai marie2473, thanx for posting such a nice topic for discussion .,
well, abuse is a such a word which is to be first clearly understood. is it good to get abuse or bad ., is it a necesary one or not .
every one in this world does not accept any advice or wants any advice . it is the TIME which decides every thing. if i advice to your opinion , if the advice is spelling u good u will appreciate my advice and even accept my advice. but if it is not good just imagine u start telling abuse and every thing. Just one thing keep in rememberance, be always true to every one u love and be honest. try to find the inner meaning of every thing. and try put more question on u itself first before putting other in question . u will find reply to all ur doubts/queries and problems within your self. no need to go any where. finally to be without abuse , make your mind to neutral position and treat all at par without showing your emotions to them . this is a good habit too. if possible do deep meditations to get more energy.
thanks for discussions
bye
@krislouiebaby (2346)
• Philippines
30 Dec 06
oh my god,
i really thank god for giving me a wonderful parents, brothers and sisters because we grew up loving and caring each other, we help each other in times of trouble and we overcome difficulties comes our way together..
i really admire you for being tough i know someday you will overcome evry bad things that happened to you since u were young,,time helas all wounds,,just believe and love yourself...
and be happy that you found your man,,goodluck,,stay happy.
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
30 Dec 06
Yeah - people shouldbe glad of what they have. i know there are so many people out there who are dealing with worse things than me and have noone to support them at all!
@nobodyspecial (1011)
• United States
30 Dec 06
Abuse leaves scars that can't be seen along with the ones that can.
Time does help, but it doesn't always heal. Sometimes therapy is needed to learn to cope with the results of past abuse.
Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome is common among the abused. It is a coping mechanism the mind provides when things get 'tight'.
It is also considered an induced disease that if not treated can get worse.
Sometimes simply talking things out those things will loose their power over you, other times it takes exercises a trained therapist or counselor can teach you.
Often an abused person will unconsciously seek out a partner with some or many of the same personality traits their abuser had. It appears you learned from such an action, something many abuse victims do not and are attracted again and again to the same type partner.
Some doctors who treat PTSS prescribe medications, these are usually for those who suffer frequent or continual episodes of times like your 'dark times'. I am not qualified to say whether or not you would benefit from medication, but I do believe you would benefit from counseling.
Learning new ways to cope with the triggers presented to PTSS might make a large difference in your present life and enable you to place more trust in a partner of your choice.
1 person likes this
@natuser28 (907)
• United States
30 Dec 06
You will moslty likey have to find other ways to get over your past. Theraphy for one and talking and sharing with others about your past.
1 person likes this
@pixielust (42)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I understand what you've been through. I can't say I know how you feel because nobody does, but you yourself. But I have been abused, and so have a lot of other people. Not everyone has the courage to talk about it, so I think that is a great first step. I'm not a psychiatrist or anything, but I find it helps to talk with a licensed therapist because she's not involved with my life, and I can tell her anything and she'll remain cool and professional.
1 person likes this
@bluej20 (113)
• United States
30 Dec 06
It sounds like a page from my life.My stepmother said to me you can forgive but you never forget.My mother abused me and then my husband.I too go to that dark place. Heavy sadness.Noone gets it.When you just want everyone to leave you alone .t They just don't get it.There is a book Your Best Life Now by Joel Olsteen.You can get it anywhere. It has helped me some.Maybe it will help you too.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36447)
• United States
29 Dec 06
Well, I can relate with what you are going thru, as I used to always find Men that were abusive to me, and I always felt as if this was the type I only deserved. Then for me because I also was suffering from PTSD also known as Post Traumatic Stress disorder, and in and out of Hospitals, etc. for severe Depression, etc. I knew it was time for me to get help if I was to ever become anyone or something in my life.
For me it took lots of Counseling, and finding an Adult Survivor group where we could share our Abuse stories, and learn how to become a Survivor, and proud of who we are yet to become. I Look back at my life now, and know it was the change I needed as I have been Happily Married now for almost 8 yrs. and I would rather have my life now than what I had before, and even when it is not easy, I know I can make it thru.
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
2 Jan 07
I am glad to hear that u are ok today. i guess i am as well, but still think it might be a good idea for me to work it through properly since i never did that
@sbeauty (5865)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I don't think you'll ever forget the things that have happened, but if things are stable for you for long enough, you'll get past them. It sounds like your life has changed for the better, so why not concentrate on your blessings instead of the pain in the past. Leave the past in the past.
1 person likes this
@magikrose (5429)
• United States
29 Dec 06
becareful of what you tell your new mate. my friend was in a really bad marriage and was also abused as a child. when she got the strength to leave her husband she was afriad to get in volved with anyone. she had found a really nice man. they were together for 3 years. her kids really loved him. they even started to call them daddy. that really made her happy. well she ended up paying for someonelses mistakes. she almost lost her kids and her job. when she finally came back from her so called vacation she found that the man of her dreams was gone. she was very upset that he had left. she was very happy to see her kids. she tried to come to a concluetion of what to do about her situation. the only thing that she could think of was to go on with her life. she thaught that she was over him until he starts to come around agian. i do not know what is worse liveing with a husband that abuses you or a bf that loves to lie and play games with your head and your heart
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
2 Jan 07
I do belive that he can handle what i tell him and also not use it against me. I think he is a reat guy, thanx for posting
@mbs730 (2147)
• Canada
29 Dec 06
I'm really sorry to hear this, you having to face this not just once. It takes strength for you to forgive your brother for what he did to you. Even though he is your brother, if it were me I dont think I could ever forgive him, then getting into an abusive relationship. Well I am glad you found a good man. Unfortunately I cannot give you any tips because I have a lot to overcome and get over myself and not sure if I will. I was bullied in junior high, not physically but emotionally and people were just really mean to me. I still havent gotten over it. And the sad thing is I know I am the one who is losing and they are winning but I cannot really get over it and I admit I have a huge chip on my shoulder as a result. To make things worse, I have been taken advantage of by those who I thought were friends badly. So I will not trust easily again. But I don't really like to talk about my past with those who I am close to... with strangers I have an easier time opening up about stuff like this. Just give yourself time to talk and when you are ready to tell him everything, then the timing will be right. I am hoping and praying the same will go for me.
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
2 Jan 07
I also have troubles talking to people close to me, i prefer strangers coz they have another perspective of things. I also belive that i will get over it, but i guess i just have to give it time!
@binacheri14 (299)
• United States
29 Dec 06
i think that the negative events that happen in our lives are thought of more than the positive events but we somehow have to move past them. its normal to think about our past from time to time, but hopefully this wont effect your relationship its good that you have talked to him about it open up at your own pace. its always good to have someone to talk to
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
2 Jan 07
Yeah, i am so glad that i have him in my life, thanx for posting!
@cgrayflorida (22)
• United States
29 Dec 06
It does take time to heal but you will. I was abused too and I didn't finally come to terms with it until I was 35 years old. It was when I finally told myself that although the experience was horrible it made me a stronger person for it and those experiences made me who I am today. I decided not to live my life as a victim and I promised myself I would never treat others the way I was treated.
Everyone comes to terms at their own pace and for their own reasons though. Sometimes moving on can be as simple as forgiving the other person for the things they did to you. I figure that my abuser has it worse then me because he has to live with his past actions every day. I don't think about it every day anymore.
The best advice I can give you is to see a therapist. They can really help you to put it all in perspective. It helped me a lot. It does take time for the pain to go away, but it will.
Sincerely,
C. Gray
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
2 Jan 07
I do belive that I am a stronger person now, but i also think a therapist would be a good idea, thanx for your response
