Give me your best jokes!

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

Employer: "For this job we want a responsible man" Applicant: That's me, wherever I have worked, if anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

Needs Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me." The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. " The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank. " No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

Girls night out Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

sean and michael were typing in the pub one night, vowing their lasting friendship they made a pact. whichever one passed on first, the other would pour a bottle of the finest irish whiskey over the grave of the departed. sean replied "aye tis sure i will, michael but do ye mind if it passes trew me kidneys first?"

Three old ladies were sitting at a park, when a flasher came by and opened his coat in front of them.. Two of them had a stroke ! The third one, being a bit older, couldn't reach that far !!

Criminal Masterminds When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he had bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesperson said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven. God says, "There are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell." So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell. Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell. On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate. Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, "what are you laughing about?", so she replies, "I just got the first joke!".

A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!

The Scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the but!t of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on thier way. After about 5 minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says, "I said don't do that again." The rear tiger says "Sorry" again and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, What is it with you, anyway? I siad to stop. "The rear tiger says, " I am really sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out og my mouth."

For the time being enjoy this one babes.... A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?” The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place" "That should have worked," said the friend. The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

hi, i have one for you. Q: What is the most musical part of a roasted turkey? A: The drumstick!!

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard; I just got laid. -- What did the blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic boy get for Christmas? Cancer. -- What is the difference between a boy and a girl? The boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.

there were three engineers in a car; an electrical, mechanical and a Microsoft one.suddenly the car stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers looked at each other wondering what could be wrong. the electrical engineer suggest the stripping down of the electronics of the car and trying to trace the fault. the chemical engineer suggested that the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.Then the Microsoft engineer Comes up with a suggestion,"Why don't we close all the windows,get out,get back in,open the windows again, and may be it will work". !!!!