Best Jokes

I think this joke is too old. Tell me some new and good one.

good man , keep on

The joke that I like best , now I share it to you Inflight Announcements Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane..." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane." "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft." Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!" Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!" An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more." Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: "Amen"

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?" The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that's how I strained my back" The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?" He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now.Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge." The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?" "Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

love to laugh thank you

"Mouse Balls & Mouse Ball Inspection" "If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse Balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

i am very bath in jokes. buth i like them well

I read the following joke in one of the magazines. A man sitting at his window one evening casually called to his wife, " There goes that woman Ken Roberts is in love with." His wife in the kitchen dropped the plate she was drying, ran in to the living room, knocked over a vase, and looked out the window. "Where, where? she asked. "Over there," said the husband. " The woman in the blue dress standing on the corner."" Why, you big idiot," she replied, "that's his wife.""Yes, of course," answered the husband with a satisfied grin.

"UK military forces may be making strides on the battle field in Iraq, but it was a different story on the soccer pitch for 11 Royal Marines. The British soldiers suffered defeat on the dusty streets of Umm Khayal, when they took on the local football team," reports the BBC. Our brave lads were, it seems, beaten like a red-headed stepchild, going down 9-3 to the locals. "In truth," sighed Leading Airman Dave Husbands, "they thrashed us." Next week: cheer as the Americans join in with the British soccer team, totally ignoring the referee, hospitalising nine of their own team-mates and blowing up the burger bar after mistaking it for a nuclear reactor...

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit. Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings": * The Engagement Ring * The Wedding Ring * The Suffe-Ring * The Endu-Ring

Great and hilarious....

Coool Jokeee! Please read all! 1.Start at LondonHeathrowAirport. 2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport. 3.Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport. 4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles. 5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for0.3miles 6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles 7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles 8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles 9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles 10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles 11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles 12.Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles 13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles 14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles 15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles 16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles 17.Arrive at the centre of town. please scroll down . . . . . . . . . . Now that's the fu#&ing way to Amarillo! SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . . .

The grand prize winner of the best joke according to my reference site is: During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one said, "I came here for blood test" Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid? " First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger" Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?" The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."

Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one said, "I came here for blood test" Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid? " First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger" Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?" The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."

yes,it is very funny!

Question: You know why the chicken crossed the Road????? Answer :Even I havent figured it out but if Mylot did not keep stopping when I was posting my responses, The Joke was much better than this

3 students...r not prepared 4 a test.they make a plan.they went to see their teacher next morning looking very dirty and shabby.they said"mam,v had gone 4 a wedding nd our car's tyre burst.so had to push all the way,couldn't study.teacher agrees nd gives them 3 days time.after 3 days all 3 were seated in different rooms.the question paper had just one question.can u guess?WHICH TYRE BURST???

pathar na maro meri deewane ko...bomb ka jamana hi udade saale ko