What is your biggest and grandest JOKE?

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

She Was So Blonde -she sent me a fax with a stamp on it -she thought a quarterback was a refund -she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order -she thought meow mix was a record for cats -under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics" -she tried to drown a fish -she tripped over a cordless phone -she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate' -she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind -she got stabbed in a shoot out -she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK" -If you gave her a penny for intelligence you'd get a refund -they had to burn down the school to get her out of 3rd grade -she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept -at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius" -if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless -she studied for a blood test and failed -when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home she moved

If I tell you a joke you should laugh. Will you?

The Gambler During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Three men were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. one of the men pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under my skin." A few minutes later a phone rang. The second man lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The third man felt very low tech. Not to be outdone, he knew he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his bottom. The other two men raised their eyebrows and stared at him. "Well, will you look at that," he said. "I'm getting another fax."