DeadBeat Parents....

I agree with you on this. I think every child should have their mother and father in their lives but you cant force it. There are alot of them out there that decide to stay out for long periods of time then pop back in like nothing ever happened. I feel the children should be allowed to make the decision to spend time with them or not. They will get their own opinion. If he up and leaves them again, it may hurt them, but they will also see what type of person he is and become better fathers or mothers when its their time. You have dealt with the hurt before and you can do it again because in the end they will see you are the one that was there for them all the time.

No, I won't keep the boys from their father, if they want to meet him that is fine...They are old enough to decide on their own. But my fears are that once they start talking or my boys get used to having him to talk to, that he is going to up and leave again....It was totally his choice to leave in the fist place...He went into the store to buy diapers, and that was the last time I saw him...He never came back....So yeah, I would say that he didn't want anything to do with us....He currently will admit that he ran from us 15 yrs ago, he says he wants to make up for things, but I am not sure that you can make up for 15 lost years of your CHILDRENS life. Am I making any sense? I hope so.

I totally agree with you, I am currently going through this situation...It is very hard for me to let my twins talk to there real father, only for the simple fact that he hasn't been here for 15 yrs, and he now expects everything to be perfect, he wants us to be a family...He knows that I am happly married, but that doesn't stop him from telling my boys that we should all be together as a family....I have talked to him and explained that he can't do this kind of thing, and if it keeps up there will be no more contact between them....He is also making them promises of expensive items for Christmas...I don't think that is right either, and when I talk to him about that, he swears up and down that he is going to stick to his promises that he has made to the boys....I have tried to explain to my boys some things about there father...Also have told them not to get there hopes up about any gifts that he has promised them...I am sorry but I don't believe this man at all, I couldn't believe him 15 yrs ago, so why should I believe in him now, he has seemed to grow up in any way yet except for by his age...What else should I be doing?

This sounds all too familiar to me as well. We were considered "common law in TX" I could never get him to "really" marry me. He says we were married under the eyes of god and I will always be his wife, he still isn't w/ anyone, 5 yrs later and is always getting the kids to make comments about su getting back together and one day I would come back, that (I) broke up the home etc. grrrrrrrr

I understand that too, I felt the same way years ago...But as the kids got older and asked more detailed information about him, I began to think that they are old enough to make that decison on their own..My boys are well informed about their father...Mind u there is no visitation...The only contact they have is by IM or phone.

Who me? Keep having kids by different parents? NO WAY! I was 15 when I got pregnant with the twins.....There father made his own choice to leave, I had nothing to do with that....As for my third child, that one came from my husband....I have only been married once...And I am still married to the same person. So maybe I am a little confused by your comment...PLZ explain :( :(

No offense, but if you keep having childrenn by men who don't want to be around then that means it's time to look in the mirror. Either your picking the wrong men, or you may be pushing them away.

I am, I did say that it is up to my boys on wether or not they want to talk to him...! 1 is choosing to talk the other doesn't want to...

My boys are 15 yr old

thats good but how old are your boys?

Yes, my kids are making the decision on wether or not they want to talk with him

I can only imagine how challenging this must be for you to deal with, but I think you are doing the right thing and I applaud you for thinking of the big picture with your kids. Best of luck to you!

I can only imagine how challenging this must be for you to deal with, but I think you are doing the right thing and I applaud you for thinking of the big picture with your kids. Best of luck to you!

They ARE complete strangers....He just wanted to live his life the way he chose, didn't want to have to deal with kids at age 21! He was and still is a loser in my eyes! If I at age 15 could have twins and take care of them and deal with life and support my twins, then why at age 21 couldn't he? He was 6 years older than me! I will never forgive him for that!

Oh hun, I am sorry....You didn't upset me...Don't worrie about that.... :) No really, you said what you had to and that is great! That is why you are here...So I am fine, don't worrie about that... The boys do talk to their father, but they have no "want" to meet him...At least not for now...But when and if they do, we will cross that bridge when we get there.... Sorry it took so long for me to answer..

I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to upset you; I only wanted to write down my few on this topic. I can understand your grief and I can't agree with what he did, but realize what you did was a very brave thing; rasing twins at that age. Not many people will be able to follow in your footsteps. I guess he got very scared about it and wasn't mature enough to face the consecuences. It's not a good thing, but I hope you will see that in time. And I do hope you will allow your kids to get to know their father in the future, because we all want to know where we came from... even if he was a huge yerk for abandoning you. I wish you all the best and I'm very sorry to hear this has happened to you.

No my boys can have contact if they chose so....One wants to, the other one says HELL NO

Well thank you very much...My kids are wonderful..I thank god for them each and everyday... :)

Yes children are astute and it is interesting to read that one wants contact but the other doesn't. I am sure that they both know you love them, so I am sure that you will have no problems with them at all. Good luck to your family. :)

I see it the same way...I have been married for 10 yrs, and one of the very first things "their father" says to me is, hey want to get married and be a family! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT! I haven't seen him in 15 yrs, have no clue where this man has been for 15 yrs, and now he falls out of the sky and expect me to drop everything and except him back into our lives? This man is NUTZ! Now I really know he wants something

um yeah - i wouldn't fall for it. he left you for 15 years the best years of his childrens lives. You haven't come into money and he's found out??? lol. But no think seriously about letting him back in, fine if he wants to see his kids and they want to get to know him, i suppose you will have to risk the fact he could let them down again but you will be there to pick up the pieces and you wasn't the bad guy who wouldn't let them see their dad. But if i was you i would be saying been there done that - i've moved on!!!

I understand that completly...I said the same thing when the twins were born...At that point, I said that he would never be in there lives...But I have had a lot of time to think about that, and if the kids want to know their father they have every right...So I will stand behind them 100% no matter what they chose to do about there father

I complement you ladies, it is hard to step back sometimes and just be there when your strength is needed. You also won't be the one guilty of hiding the existence of the other parent.

My mom is the same way. Whenever he tried to contact us, she let us know and reminded us that she was always behind us 100%

They don't even know him, so there would be no immediate connection with them....He has already up and left again, so I think my kids understand what I have explained to them is true about him...I still have all of the say in the world, cause they are only 15, not 18, until then I have all control on what they do...But if the kids want to talk to him or see him, they know that I will stand behind them 100%

My daughter, went through a little something of a, "it's your fault" thing and you know what I told her, you find that b**** and ask HIM why he decided not to acknowledge you. He was only a sperm donor, your real daddy has taken care of you your whole life.

They really can't stand him...They don't like anything he has to say or that he cares to talk about..He is a complete stranger to them.....

Then they shouldn't be forced to see him. Down the line somewhere they may change their minds, but it's all up to them now.

They want nothing to do with him.

We cannot blame the kids if they want nothing to their father. After all those years, it would be hard time for them to unite as father and children. Besides, for that long years, better persons have stand their way and hold on to his obligation. Isn't it too late for him either to rebuild the lost years? I don't think he would be able to patch things up...maybe, the know-him process would be okay...

I would have to say NO visitation at this point, the kids have no clue who he is...They don't want to see him

Unfortuntaley-a if a DNA test proves they are his kids-he MAY (an probably will be entitled) to something. If that is the case, suggest visitation only. The children usually cannot detemine which parent they want to live with, unless they are above the age of 14.

No, I can't really say that I "hate" him, but I really don't care for him or his pack of lies he has had for all of these years either...But I will stand behind my kids no matter what they choose to do.

It is a terrible thing to do to children. Leaving is one thing but coming back makes it worse. (I think) Too bad there isn't one right answer on what to do but I think your decision is commendable. It is good that you choose to allow them to decide. You are a good mom.

you are right.

thanks for your comment.

Are you saying that you wouldn't let your kids see their other parent after 15 yrs of seperation?

It's so unfair to the kids! Parenting makes you a parent, not just helping to create a child. When they abandon that child, they have given up the rights a parent has, like making decisions or being a part of something that's important to the child. These deadbeat parents chose to make that child and then chose to desert them... sometimes, I think that the kids are probably better off for not having been influenced by someone so inconsiderate, selfish, irresponsible and unreliable. I have not worn those shoes, but I think if I was in that position.... I'd have to remind that person, not a parent, of the fact that they are virtually a stranger and do not deserve to know a child that they never even tried to know.

oh yea! That is exactly what they are! No jokin on that one....He doesn't have a clue on who they are...It really bugs me when he says "our sons" when he refers to them...THEY ARE MY SONS...not his, he has been gone 15yrs, what makes him think they way he does? I don't know, I still think the man is crazy!

Good plan.

Well my kids have asked about their father over the years, I have been totally truthful with them...They are now 15 (Twins) and I am letting them make the decison on wether or not to talk to him...But all phone calls are recorded, and all IM's are saved...Their father knows this, so that part is not hidden from him...This way there is a record of every conversation...

I understand what you are saying, but somewhere down the line ( 10,12 ) you are going to have to sit down with your son and explain who his real father is...

No cause my husband is a real father, the other was just a sperm donner. No let me correct myself my husband is Daddy and there is a true difference. When my child was abused my husband went through five months of my son being afraid of him and any other guy, while his real father knew what happened and he did nothing. I'm not trying to be mean or anything but its hard for me to explain it. When I told my son's biological father that I was pregnant he beat the crap out of me and told me he was going to kill the baby. But thank god for my dog whom attack him to protect me. Now that same dog is going to protect my childern. This guy never wanted me son but my husband has always wanted kids and that is his boy totally.