Should the mother always get the kids?
By speakeasy
@speakeasy (4171)
United States
January 30, 2007 2:49pm CST
A customer of mine stopped by the office last week and told me about the problems they had been having with her step children.
Her husband's ex got custody of the kids and he gets visitation during the summer and Christmas holidays. The problem is he keeps getting called "out of the blue" to go pick up the kids because their mother has been arrested AGAIN. He and his current wife then have to drive 3-1/2 hours to get the kids from neighbors, etc. and then another 3-1/2 hours back home with them. They really don't mind this part.
What they dislike is being forced to take the kids back when she gets out of jail and says she wants them back. She was arrested 4 times between Jan '06 and Dec '06. She is a drug addict and keeps getting busted on drug related offenses. She works only when she "feels like it" and quits her job any time "she doesn't feel like going to work" according to their oldest son.
He has gone back to court to try to get the judge to change the terms and give him and his new wife custody of the kids but the judge just turns him down and keeps saying "children belong with their mother". I think this judge is totally stupid and brain dead.
Why would anyone leave young children with a drug addict just because she is female when the male parent has a wife, home, a full-time job as a park ranger and no drug or other problems? (He divorced her because of the drugs.)
18 people like this
40 responses
@cassidy22 (2974)
• United States
30 Jan 07
NO, I don't think that the mother should always get the kids. Being a woman doens't guarantee you'll be a good mother.
I think if she is getting arrested, this man has a solid case to fight for custody and win. Those children deserve to be in a stable, safe environment.
3 people like this
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
30 Jan 07
No, the parent best for raising the children should get the kids. I think the customer and her husband should hire a goo lawyer and go fight for custody. Nowadays women are not just automatically given custody, the parents that fights the most is given custody.
1 person likes this
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
30 Jan 07
Not in this case. They have fought to get the kids - on 3 separate occasions. All the mother has done is show up in court and say she wants to keep them. Of course, this may be different where you are. This is AZ Family Court and the judge makes the final decision. I don't know how OLD this judge is but he may be a relic from "days gone by", his decision is definately a "relic".
1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
31 Jan 07
I am in Louisiana and you have to fight if you want your kids. If this mother was trying to get her kids and you had proof of everything, she would never get custody - maybe not even visitation.
@ElusiveButterfly (45940)
• United States
30 Jan 07
It surprises me that the judge would side with the mother on this issue when she is clearly unfit to raise her children. Sounds like the father needs to hire a better lawyer. Producing evidence that would force the judge's hand to turn the children over to their father may also be key in this situation.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45940)
• United States
30 Jan 07
Our legal system really needs to have an overhaul. It is unfair that father's don't have the same rights as the mother's.
1 person likes this
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
30 Jan 07
I agree but anytime they try to set limits or rules for judges - they get rejected out of hand or appealed and thrown out. I think it is because a lot of our politicians are also lawyers or related to lawyers and only a lawyer can become a judge..
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
31 Jan 07
OMG he needs to get a DAMN GOOD LAWYER! This judge is an obvious IDIOT...and is it possible for him to get family and children services (I think its called DSS in the states..in Canada its FACS) on his side, does he or can he get police reports on his ex's behaviour etc etc....Thats just CRAZY!!! Children belong with the parent who is stable mentally, physically and finacially....Children belong with the parent who is best able to provide for said kids on all levels and tat is NOT always the mother!! I'm really surprised the judge is getting away with that crap
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
31 Jan 07
omg that is just CRAZY! and the really sad and sick thing is the ones suffering because this judge is mentally unstable and flat out off his rocker are those poor kids! Ya know that is just unheard of to me...
@jbones32103 (717)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I don't believe it's right for the mother to have custody of the children if they aren't being taken care of properly. My husband and I have custody of his three children from his first marriage.They were abused, molested, and mistreated for four years. We did fight for them and are going to court again this year. The mother only sees the children once a year and calls when she feels like it. She has missed their birthdays, holidays, and knows nothing about how they are doing in school. We have tried to get her to come see the children out of respect for the kids but she always cancels the visitations. Now she's taking us to court saying we won't let her see them. She really wants us to let her claim them on the income taxes, but we feel why should she when we are spending all the money to take care of them. Some mothers are not mothers. Men can do better in some cases. Tell your customer to get physical custody with joint ownership of the said children. That's what we done in order to keep the children in our house. That's the first step.
1 person likes this
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I definately agree with you but I am not sure exactly what you mean by "physical custody with joint ownership of said cchildren". If this is something that would help them, I would like to get the information correct when I see her next time.
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I agree. The problem is one judge who has been given the power to make this decision with no limits or controls. I think most judges today would let the father have custody but there is nothing to make the few dissenting judges abide by today's standards.
@Lauraleigh99 (4718)
• United States
30 Jan 07
I completely agree that there are some situations that the dad definately deserves custody of the kids. I have a guy friend who has custody of the kids over a similiar situation. Dads raise kids just as well.
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
30 Jan 07
I know of several cases where the father has custody and the kids do OK. It is not like this is the 1950's when fathers paid little or no attention to their kids. Today both parents are ususally involved in raising the kids.
1 person likes this
@Mamaof2 (574)
• Canada
31 Jan 07
Wow..this is something that needs to be addressed properly..or taken to another judge. I believe that the kids should go (in any circumastance) where they are safe and provided for. Weither that be the mother or father. Any mother that chooses to provide a life like that for her children is not making the best choice and should not have the kids. The kids need a stable enviroment where they have time, attention, love ect. In which the father sounds like he could provide this life for them. Makes you wonder eh? :S
@Mamaof2 (574)
• Canada
31 Jan 07
I def think she needs to give them up first of all!! LAter on down the road when she is clean and sober..if she ever does decide to get help...then maybe visitation can be discussed. But def not until then..or at least not unsupervised. She can take care of herself...she cant take care of the kids.:S
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
31 Jan 07
She definately is not making the best choice for her kids. True love for her kids would be either getting clean and making a better life for her kids or having the strength to give them up and just have visitation privileges herself.
@apostrofy (661)
• Romania
31 Jan 07
someone shouldn't be allowed to raise children based only on the gender. i mean being a female doesn't necessarly mean u are a fit parent. i also know some cases like this. the mother isn't addicted or anything like that but i still think she's not fit as a parent. and yet the law favores women. i totally disagree with that.
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I know some men and women should never be allowed to be parents in the first place. But when there is a clear difference in the two parents, the kids should go to the better parent. The really hard cases are when neither parent is a fit parent.
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
31 Jan 07
Not only do you need a license to drive a car but you need a license to have a dog. Children are a bigger responsibility that a puppy!
@iamiramadnama (421)
• Canada
31 Jan 07
I know. You need a license to drive, but just any freak can have kids. I can't believe it sometimes.
@XxAngelxX (2830)
• Canada
30 Jan 07
Wow, that's crazy!!! Kids should go to the most responsible of the two parents. He needs a new judge desperately. His children are being exposed to god only knows what and it seems there is little he can do about it. This is a very sad situation. Hopefully he can find a new judge who is normal!
1 person likes this
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
30 Jan 07
I really don't understand a lot about how a judge gets assigned but from what they said the judge is "assigned" to their family and filing a new motion just gets them back in front of that judge again. Getting a judge out of office, I have heard, is nothing less than a miracle unless they voluntarily retire.
1 person likes this
@simplysue (631)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I'll never understand how some courts award custody to women who aren't fit to be mothers. This is such an unfair practice. Especially to the children who could be in a stable,loving home.
@5dollarmiracle (144)
• United States
31 Jan 07
My brother and brother in law both had full custody of their children due to the mothers being unfit. Mothers don't aways deserve the kids. If the judge saw her police report, I don't know how he could actually return the children to her.
1 person likes this
@Justareceptionist (869)
• United States
30 Jan 07
I never understood that law. The sad part is most of the time in this situation, the grandparents will raise the children. I say it takes away from "retirement".
1 person likes this
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
30 Jan 07
In this case, they have a loving father and a supportive stepmother to go to if the judge would just let them. Sometimes though, the grandparents are the only choice and I don't know of many grandparents that would let their grandkids go into the foster care system if they could possibly prevent it.
1 person likes this
@michelledarcy (5220)
•
30 Jan 07
I think the most suitable parent should get the parents. it should be the one that would take best care of them and money and their job shouldn't be a factor.
1 person likes this
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
30 Jan 07
I agree with most of what you said but not about the job. I don't think it matters what TYPE of job it is BUT it should be a good steady job, not their 5th job in 6 months. Kids need stability and it takes a stable income to raise them. Also, job hopping is not the type of work ethic you want to instill in kids. Yes, there are times to quit and there are times you get "downsized" but these should be the exception not a daily occurrence.
1 person likes this
@michele609 (1687)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I cant believe that she is getting the children after that many times in jail. I do believe that children belong with the mother but under these cicumstances I think that it is a whole different story. That is putting so much stress on the childrens life. I wonder what is the reason she is getting locked up for!
@dawn5679 (266)
• United States
31 Jan 07
Well If the father can prove the mother unfit and can show how many times she has been arrested it's more likely that the judge will give him custody and then tell the mother that she needs to go to rehab and other things in order to get her kids back.
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
31 Jan 07
He and his lawyer have taken in the arrest records and shown the judge. It didn't make a difference. As far as I know, she has never even been in rehab. If the judge would order her to rehab and upon successful completion award her the kids I could understand it. But the way things stand I don't understand it.
@samtaylorskykierajen (7977)
• Canada
31 Jan 07
I would have thought the judge would understand how dangerous a situaion this is for the safety of the children . I am not saying the mother doesn't love her children but at this point in her life she is not the best choice to be raising her children .
I believe the children should be with whoever can give the best possible care to the children . I have heard of men having custody of there children because of similar situations.
I think he should keep trying to get his children out of the mess there mother and society has thrown them in . He is their only hope for a normal and stable childhood . Hopefully someone will see the dangers of the children in this case and do what is right by them .
Is it possible he could get another judge when he goes back again ?
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
31 Jan 07
In our family court system, they felt it was better to have one judge who is familiar with the individuals involved and their cases. (Just like only seeing one doctor who is your primary doctor instead of seeing a different doctor every time who would be unfamiliar with you and your health history.) This time however, that concept has backfired and is hurting the very people it was designed to protect.
@Fallen_Gurl (480)
• Canada
31 Jan 07
i think a child shoudl be given to the responsible parent, i heard a story the other day, that a women was goin with this guy and got pregant, and never told the father, he found out after the child was born and the mother was goin to give it up for adoption, so the father fought for the newborn baby, howver forsumer reason the judge ordered that the baby be giving up for adoption rather then be given to the father, how screwed up is that??
@speakeasy (4171)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I know. Some people just don't think Dads can be good parents. Some dads can't, some dads won't , but other dads prove it can be done and done well if they are willing to learn and try.
@BobaFett (72)
• Sweden
31 Jan 07
I think there should be a trial to see which of the two that would make up the best parent. It would depend on social skills and economy and many more factors. Guess it would be hard to decide at times but then the parents could agree on something or they would share the children having them on different weeks.
@Joslyn77 (374)
• United States
31 Jan 07
I am in totally agreement with you. Just because she is the mother does not mean
she makes a good parent. I hate hearing things like this because it sounds like the
judge does not have the child's best interest at heart! How many chances is this
"mother" going to get before something really bad happens to the kid?
